Help me

[UniqueKhakiCat]

My daughter is 3 YO and 3 months she doesn’t meet any diagnostic criteria but she is not neurotypical. She is highly verbal not hyperlexic , full back and forth conversation since 2,5 , always been aware of social cues , rule follower never had a meltdown and tantrums are extremely rare ( once a month ) she always takes “ no” in her stride and she is flexible in her playing and socialising with other kids , also with changes in routine . She is very good at focusing on all sort of tasks the ones she enjoys and the non stimulating ones , she is very low energy and high need sleep baby , good eater and very empathetic since she was 2 always makes sure other people around her are happy , can follow structure and instructions and always well behaved outside , plays well with other kids especially 1:1 interactions following the other kid’s lead like sharing a puzzle together , playing hide and seek etc But she also 1. gets overwhelmed in busy environments but not in playgroups or playgrounds ( it is situational ) . She shakes and says “ mommy please can we go home “ but totally fine in some busy restaurants , she sits and eats and colors . 2. She is very in tune with others feelings 3. Asks philosophical and deep questions 4. Lots of worries for her small mind 5 she has huge separation anxiety and always needs us close She is that sort of kid who would say “ mommy can we go and watch the world go by “ rather than being in a chaotic environment. she talks a lot and still I can’t potty train her ( she pees and poo in the potty but still lots of accidents as she doesn’t tell me when to go)
I wouldn’t say she is shy , she loves going up to people at the park singing her songs to them or showing them her toys . She asks “ mommy can I say hi to the lady “ kind of questions Now , I know lots of you will point at neurodivergence but those traits don’t meet any diagnostic criteria ( already been through a private and nhs assessment done by a neuropsychiatrist and there is nothing I can do at this stage ) . Did you have a similar kid and how did he / she turned out ?

Thanks ☺️ what age did he grow out of it

"she wants everybody to play with her and starts talking a lot over people which she normally doesn’t do"

I think almost every child I've ever known is like that around visitors! It's so exciting for little kids to have different people around that they can show off their toys too! Chatting away (even talking over others or stumbling over their words in their eagerness), bringing toys overs, wanting to show visitors around the house and garden, play games with them - all very normal.

Yes to all of that and also being an only child and I am always available to her than maybe that’s her temperament ?

I am also a big confused by the fact that she never plays independently at home

Op the silly and hyper with people over personally I’d see as normal, people are coming into her space and she’s excited and possibly nervous. The watching the world goes by really resonates with me, my 13yo has always been a serious little man and a deep thinker. In your case could be nd could be her age mixed with a more ‘thoughtful’ personality

Why Nd ? I thought to be diagnosed ND there has to impairment across multiple settings according to the diabetic criteria

She can’t sustain independent playing at home

That's because she doesn't have to. Mummy is there to entertain her.

UniqueKhakiCat
I only mentioned md because you were asking could it be that she’s nd?

If you're always available then she possibly hasn't learned to play independently. Plus she could be a person who thrives on social interaction so she's not interested in being on her own for very long.

Exactly how long are you expecting her to play independently? I now have this image in my head of you expecting her to greet visitors and then wander off to play quietly on her own for ages while the adults converse. Which is a somewhat unrealistic expectation of a 3yo, especially one who seems to enjoy company. Some kids are happy to be on their own, nothing wrong with that - just as there is nothing wrong with being a little social butterfly! Some kids are a mix, very sociable in some situations, not so much in others.

It seems that you're worrying very much about your toddler's behaviour and your expectations of her are very high. Why is this, where is this worry coming from - is there someone in your life who is regularly telling you that your 3yo is not developing in the same way as other children, the same person who gave you the ridiculous potty training advice perhaps?

It does sound familiar?

There is another poster who posts quite regularly regarding their concerns about their child being ND.

This reads quite similar.

Don't look for issues that aren't there. 3y 3m is still relatively early to toilet train in the grand scheme.

The advice I've always followed is if they are still having accidents after 3/4 days then stop all training and go back to it in a months time.

I'd wait for warmer weather, keep her nappy off and maybe see if she prefers the toilet to potty.

3y 3m isn't a concerning age for me.

The rest of it doesn't sound problematic either.

She's 3, it's totally normal for her not to sustain independent play for long.

I think you are worrying a little unnecessarily or prematurely and I say that as the parent of two ND children and a strong believer that girls on the spectrum are often overlooked.

Both of my children could 'entertain themselves' (not play appropriately) at home, they didn't seek my interaction too much. Neither sought to be the centre of attention with strangers, the opposite really.

I know lots of NT children who were late to potty train and sometimes being a very responsive mum can actually heed some of the developmental processes, eg. If they never get wet and uncomfortable, why would they wish to change things? That's not a bad thing at all of course, it just can mean that it takes more time for the child to want to be proactive in potty training.

Also, if this child is an only, their main interactions with others are with adults who give them lots of attention. Therefore they can seek or expect that. Your child is very young, so with more interaction with her peers, she could learn that this is not always appropriate.

How is her eye contact with strangers? Can she follow a point? Are there certain foods she refuses to eat or clothes she refuses to wear? Does she repeat what her friends say? Does she answer out in class a second after the others? There are lots of subtle signs of ND that are not only being old fashioned or late to toilet.

I will say that my autistic son got his diagnosis a year after they were pretty certain he was ND because he had been at home with me and hadn't been to nursery before the age of three, that can make a difference to early interactions.

Thank you so much for your answer yes no concerns with the questions you asked in that she is that kid whom when we allow her to get a toy goes to the counter by herself and we give her money and she can wait in line her turn , intersect with the cashier etc .. no issues with food , she eats pasta , meat and fish and veggies but for the life of me I can’t get her to eat eggs 😅.. with kids her age she just met a little girl and can share the same puzzle like my child would give her the pieces , play hide and seek or board games together ..
one thing you mentioned is nursery .. my child still doesn’t go to nursery so that’s a big unknown at the moment . I am looking into any setting that could help her with her personality . She goes to three different playgroups run by the church and she does partake in activities, eat at the table with other kids but she is a bit slow to warm up and again I am sitting back but I am there .

for potty training she does pee and poo in the potty but rarely tells me when she needs ( for wee only ) to go so I guide her there . She normally wakes up dry from naps and in the morning and then pees in the potty but until we crack the code nursery is not an option I guess.

About 7 or 8, he started to calm down but always needed a lot more exercise than other children!

I am not sure my expectations are that high .. at nursery they expect at that age to focus for 15 minutes of every structured activities like coloring circle time arts and crafts

I am not sure my expectations are that high .. at nursery they expect at that age to focus for 15 minutes of every structured activities like coloring circle time arts and crafts They are too high and she doesn't go to nursery so hoe do you know she wouldn't focus on a task for 15 mins?

Why the hell has she already been through a private and nhs assessment done by a neuropsychiatrist?

I am not sure my expectations are that high .. at nursery they expect at that age to focus for 15 minutes of every structured activities like coloring circle time arts and crafts

Children can behave very differently in a classroom environment compared to how they are around family.
As @BleedinglyObvious asked, how do you know she wouldn't be able to focus if she doesn't attend nursery? You say she's good at following instructions and is well behaved, so she is likely to follow along and do whatever she sees the other kids doing. I think it would be of great benefit to her to attend nursery.

How has she already been through an nhs assessment done by a neuropsychiatrist if she's only 3 and a bit?

I suspect you are the poster who has posted about this multiple times and have been told repeatedly that your child is too young for the myriad assessments and obsessions your anxiety is putting her through
Also this is an internet forum where none of us are even vaguely qualified to either diagnose or reassure.

I don't understand this either

Jeeez
Chill out love 😵‍💫
I’d be more concerned about you being so concerned about this perfectly normal kid 😳
Why on earth has a 3 y/o been through neuropsychiatric tests!!
The dramatic post title and desperation to find something “wrong” is not normal and suggests you need help …. for you not her

Which is normal for a 3 year old. 15 minutes on an activity like circle time is probably the upper limit for attention at this age and the ones you are seeing that manage to do it are likely at nursery so they practice it everyday. I’d suggest you find her a nursery and then you’ll likely see that’s she’s similar to the other children in her class.

OP please stop worrying about your perfectly normal-sounding 3 year old, and get some psychiatric help for yourself. This endless obsessing over whether or not she is neurodivergent is damaging for both of you.

But it IS normal. It really is. It may not be something that every child does but a great many do get like this. My parents’ generation referred to this as children being “overexcited” when people came over.

Everything you have described is normal for a 3 year old. Children are not machines that are expected to function in some uniform, textbook way or else they’re faulty. At 3, their brains are developing very fast, changing very fast, their emotions can be extreme, and their behaviour can be quite weird at times. They are all very different from each other. It’s all normal and they grow out of it. It’s the start of them finding their own way and at this stage they’re barely beginning to understand themselves. They don’t all have a disorder or need to be forced into conforming to some ideal that books and other people tell you about.

My kids weren’t potty trained until 3 and a half - earlier attempts failed completely. Other children are potty trained at 2. It doesn’t matter, at all.

In one of your later posts you’re worrying about nursery and you say you’re looking for a setting that will “help her with her personality”. This is very sad to read. She doesn’t have a faulty personality that she needs help with. She has her own personality, she sounds rather lovely, and she doesn’t need moulding into something she isn’t just because you have fixed ideas about what a 3 year old should be.

One of the most important lessons we learn about parenting is that our children are very much themselves, with their own personalities, likes and dislikes, views and opinions, and their own outlook on life that is inevitably not the same as ours. They are not clones of us, they may not grow up to be how we predicted they would be, and we can’t shape them into some dream child. Please don’t try to shape her into something she isn’t when she’s just a toddler. There are years of development and increasing independence ahead, and you’ll drive yourself frantic with anxiety if you can’t accept her personality.

He did in nursery but been fine with school!