Think he just wants a pen pal

[notsurewhattodohelpme]

I’ve been messaging someone online for about 3 weeks now, we have moved to WhatsApp, I enjoy messaging him, but I’m getting bored, I think it’s because I don’t exactly know who I’m talking too, I’ve asked him to meet up, he said yes but we haven’t arranged anything, its like he’s waiting for me again to suggest meeting up. Everyday is the same we ask how each other’s day has been, tv programmes we are watching, the weather, but it’s getting a bit weird, does he want to meet or not, I just don’t know whether to stop messaging.

Yes stop messaging. I don’t engage with these types they just enjoy having the attention of someone to chat with.

I use the burned haystack method and if they can’t plan a date then they’re not for me

Doesn't sound promising, OP.

If he was genuine, he would be suggesting a meet-up.

He could be married, in a relationship, a player, just plain weird - it doesn't really matter.

What he is for sure is a waste of your time.

But he seems keen in his messages it’s all a bit strange

Yeah I’m beginning to think he’s married or something

You say - hey are we arranging a date? I'm not looking for a penpal. If he fobs you off say, as I said I'm not looking for a penpal so let's leave this here.

And then mean it and leave it.

But in my experience men that are interested will have done that already themselves.

Waste of time otherwise

What has he said when you’ve asked if he’s available to meet up?

I’ve already asked him, he said yes but he hasn’t mentioned it again.

He just said yes that would be nice

He’s definitely coming across as married or just getting you on the hook while he explores other options first.

It’s not your job to figure out what’s going on here. If constant messaging with nothing else is not what you want it’s perfectly acceptable just to end the messaging and move on with your life. There’s clearly an incompatibility here so why continue?

Say, 'let's meet on Saturday at x time in x place'. If he doesn't want to, bin him.

I think I’m trying to convince myself he’s one of the better ones, maybe he just wants to message for a while to get to know me, but then on the other hand he’s not asking to meet up, maybe I should ask him if he wants to speak on the phone.

Yes I would book a date in then talk on the phone.

Text him now - hey are you free on x or y to meet up? If he doesn't say yes or no but I can do z, you bin him off. 'im not looking for a penpal so let's leave this here'. The end.

If he says yes and you book a date say - id like a chat on the phone before we meet. Can you talk at 8pm?

A man who is serious will not be put off by any of this

I’ve just gone straight in and asked if he would like to speak on the phone.

This happened to me a few years back, somebody who followed me on Twitter and asked me if I’d agree to meet for dinner. I thought “why not”. It became ridiculous and as you say, weird. He treated WhatsApp like it was a relationship. Guess what? Married. He was really upset when I said that was the end of it. Didn’t see it as “cheating”. Absolute moron. Tried to get in touch with me again recently via a different channel. Blocked and ignored. If he doesn’t agree to a date or firm plans, I’d throw this one back!

And what did he say

General rule from experts for successful app dating is that you meet within a week of first contact for coffee to see if there’s any attraction and to weed out the timewasters.

Reason being is that constant messaging builds up a false sense of a relationship and you may continue with that once you meet in person simply because of the attachment formed by the messaging and not because of any actual connection.

Yes he’s agreed to a telephone call Friday afternoon and meet up next Saturday.

There’s a reason he isn’t suggesting you meet up. He could be married but wouldn’t he be wanting to turn things more sexual if he was? I mean, if a married man was looking to cheat, why would he only want to chat about the weather and how your day has been? What would be the point?

My guesses would either be that he doesn’t actually want a relationship but is a bit lonely and enjoys the contact without having to put any serious effort in, or he’s been less than honest in his profile and has zero intention of meeting up because he doesn’t want you to discover that he’s not the man in the photo, or he’s unemployed and living with his mum, or he’s housebound etc. Or he’s just a bit of a drip who needs a rocket up his arse to do anything.

I think suggesting the phone call is a good idea. You could suggest a video call after that if you feel it’s worth pursuing.

This is what I was thinking.

A phone call in 48 hours? And then no date for 10 days. Blimey. Glacial pace. I'd lose patience.

These were my worries, but he’s agreed to meet, so I guess time will tell.

He said it gave us time to think of questions 😂 and apparently he is working late tomorrow night.

It's not about having questions to ask. It's about a quick five or ten minutes to say hello, and check they're not a mentalist. You can tell a lot about someone in a quick phone call. It needn't be some big performance with lots of questions.

Are you talking to anyone else op? Get another date with someone else booked in this weekend

Yes I am, I’m not holding out much hope with him to be honest.

why waste your time then? Just send a final message wishing him well and unmatch.

Im struggling to see why you would even consider meeting him.