If you had not married earlier, would the wedding still matter now?

[Cheesychipsandbeans]

We"ve been married for 11 years and when we got married, I was very fresh out of university and new to my career. We had been long distance for years whilst I studied away and when we got engaged we still lived with a house mate who moved out leaving us living alone together for the first time just 4 months before our wedding. We'd been together 5 years and nothing was more exciting than finally moving to the next phase of our life and being married... It really felt so significant to us at the time and it was. I loved our wedding and the time between getting married and having children is probably the happiest I've ever been (not in a I'm not happy since having children way, I wouldn't not have them for the world but there's no denying I was day to day far happier before haha and I cherish that phase of my life).

I was just pondering, if we hadn't gotten married then but everything else has been exactly the same, we'd done literally everything else as we have, we just hadn't got married, would I want to get married now. Same children, same dogs, same home, same jobs, same garden in desperate need of rotavating. Would getting married feel as important to me now as it did then?

I think if we had never gotten married then, I think I would perhaps get married but not have a wedding now. I loved my wedding and at the time I honestly do not remember being at all bothered how much it was costing, because it was the most important thing I me at that phase of life. But now? I don't that I would want to spend £12k on a wedding only to feel that the following day everything was exactly the same as two days before and I think I'd be far too aware that there are so many more things we could do if we have that kind of money over what is essentially just a party.

So I suppose I just wonder for those of you that did get married before lots of other big life events, if nothing else in your life was different, do you think you would want the wedding / marriage in the same way now as you did then?

I guess we’re all different. My mum was unhappily married so I knew that wasn’t for me.

I got married in my late 40’s with our 5yr old child in attendance. I finally felt ready for marriage. It was an inexpensive Registry office do with just a few close family in attendance. (Both sets of parents deceased).

I really wasn’t interested in getting married when I was younger as I preferred being an independent woman getting by on my own.

Also, I have never been keen on a flashy wedding as that smacks of playing Cinderella to me. I thought she was a pretty pathetic role model for little girls, waiting for some rich bloke to come along to save her. Why couldn’t she save herself? 🤔

I'm older generation.
When I started living with my then bf, later H, it was definitely not the norm in my home town. But I was away at university in a nearby city and whilst my mother suspected about my living arrangements it wasn't ever talked about.

I married my bf in a ceremony with just 2 witnesses without telling my family. The marriage didn't last . I went on to marry my second H in just a very small wedding but with some family there.

So I think at heart I was always and probably still am, a traditionalist and valued the stability I thought marriage gave. But the weddings themselves were never particularly important in that the razamataz of the event doesn't interest me, just the exchange of vows and the commitment. I also over the years have become very aware of the financial implications of whether people in relationships are married or not married

So in answer to you your question I still see the wedding as unimportant but being married as important.

I had been married twice before I met my DH. We lived together for 10 years before we got married as I wanted to be entirely sure this relationship wasn't going to be a failure as well. No children together, but we bought a house etc.

We had a small wedding with only about 40 close family, and it was just perfect. I am very glad we got married, it was just the cherry on the cake of our relationship.

We're in our early 60s. If we weren't already married, I'd be suggesting a trip to the register office for future probate ease, if not inheritance tax purposes, among other things. Followed by a lovely lunch.

I met DH at university but we only married when I was 39 — I was a bit dubious about it, but he’d always wanted to. I said fine, with the stipulation we just did it with two witnesses. Our relationship has always been strong and happy, and having one another’s backs meant we both did things we probably wouldn’t have done alone, but marriage has altered things at all, and the wedding wasn’t at all important. I wouldn’t do anything differently.

We had a big wedding 14 years ago, and while I loved every minute of it and don’t regret it at all, if we hadn’t done it then and were doing it now after kids etc it would just be a registry office and nice meal with a few guests.

We ended up needing IVF and I'm glad we were already married. IVF felt like it came out of the blue and I do sometimes feel like anything else could too. We had to have very deep conversations about what our life together could look like and it felt slightly easier with us already having committed to marriage .

Next year I'll have been with my partner 20 years. We're in our 50s.
Marriage is becoming a conversation for practical reasons eg IHT.

I always knew I'd never have the big cinderella wedding in my 20s for example.

I got married in my 20s when I had been with him for 4 years. We had lived together for a year before getting married. Marriage was important to me though I don’t know why exactly. DH died suddenly less than 20 years later, and, from that experience and the experiences of others in a similar situation who weren’t married, I would get married again even if it was just a legal process, because the practical issues that need sorting after the death are much easier if you are married. No one expects to be widowed in their 30s but it does happen. I wouldn’t necessarily have the same wedding if we had got married later after buying a house and having children, but getting married would still be important.

We had almost 100 people at our wedding it was in a registry office with just a buffet from caterers and a disco. Pretty basic especially by today’s standards. We spent about 2k in 1999. I made the cake, the photographer was a professional but a good friend and I had modelled for him so he just asked for travelling fees and did it for free. We made our invites. I was earning 22k PA and DH was earning 26k PA, our house cost 63k. Just to put it all in perspective.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

I'd get married but not have a wedding.

We’ve had to update our wills a couple of times because of changes to our circumstances, and being married carries legal ramifications so if we hadn’t been, it would certainly have been up for discussion.

I would have happily skipped the wedding then, and nothing would persuade me to have a big wedding now.

I'm glad I got married as it saved me from being financially shafted when the marriage broke apart. I was a sahm because he was incapable of being a husband or father but unfortunately these failures didn't manifest until I was well and truly trapped. Took me way too long to escape but I/children are not on the breadline due to that pesky piece of paper.

Edit - we had a low key registry office wedding as neither of us like being in the limelight. Just had his parents, my mum and grandmother, no siblings.

I loved our wedding but it was a bargain one.
Going back there are people we felt obligated to invite but wouldn't again .
It cost no where near 12 grand.

I wouldnt have had children without being married. We had a big wedding and spent a lot and it was a fantastic day that I have no regrets about. Been married nearly 30 years.

We’ve been together 20 years not married, 3 kids but own a house together
not remotely bothered to be married or to waste money on a wedding either.
it’s individual choice tho isn’t it? X

To be honest, I think getting married and having a wedding are two different things. You can get married and show your commitment to one another with just a handful of witnesses. A wedding on the other hand is the legal marriage bit plus a massive 'occasion' with all the pomp and ceremony, and which costs a fortune.

It depends what is important to the individuals concerned.

As for whether we'd get married now if we hadn't at the time - yes, I think we would.

Same, we only had a very small wedding on a very tight budget because we were young and furiously saving for a deposit. It was a really lovely day, I have some amazing memories and photos from it, and it was a nice way to mark our marriage, but it wasn't the main event, just a means to an end.

We had a small very cheap wedding over 40 years ago. It was important to both of us to get married but the wedding itself we were not really bothered about. We didn't live together first and got married 5 months after meeting

Being married was and is important to me. If I had my time again the wedding would be very close family and a picnic. I don't regret the money that was spent exactly, but it all seems a bit pointless and ridiculous, and ours wasn't that extravagant by some standards because even at the time getting married was more important than the wedding.

I've been married 12 years, got married age 26 and now have 2DC.

I would keep everything the same apart from the wedding dress...I played it safe and wore a wedding dress from monsoon but I should have got a giant princess/merengue dress...when else will I get to wear a giant princess dress?!

My ideal dress would have been the wedding dress in mamma mia, or something a bit fairy like with flowers.

I’m in my late forties and have suggested to my DP of 13 years that we do the same thing in a decade or so. He is very anti marriage, and I don’t really care one way or another, but what I don’t want is a probate mess should one of us die unexpectedly. My paperwork is in order but his is a mess.

I'd get married for the legal stuff it simplifies.

I didn't bother with a wedding then and I wouldn't now.

I Got married 3 years ago at 53, we’d been together 28 years. We never really wanted to when we were young but discussed the tax/ inheritance implications and said we would/should.
He proposed so we planned it and we had a small wedding within 3 months. 12 people including our daughter. Then afternoon tea. Cost a lot less than £12,000.

I was similar to you OP - married soon after university. Definitely needed to as travelled the world so Visas would have been a real issue. Knowing my legal rights and what we've "signed up to" so to speak was also essential for me before combining finances and having kids.

But completely understand why that's not important for others. I would say some of my "mum" friends aren't married to their partners ( and some who are, are getting divorced) but at least one couple did a quick Civil Partnership or wedding to get the legalities in place. Another of them is fairly independent in terms of income too so no worries about being a SAHP etc if needed (past that stage now).