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Original poster

If you had not married earlier, would the wedding still matter now?

59 replies

Cheesychipsandbeans · 10/05/2026 09:14

We"ve been married for 11 years and when we got married, I was very fresh out of university and new to my career. We had been long distance for years whilst I studied away and when we got engaged we still lived with a house mate who moved out leaving us living alone together for the first time just 4 months before our wedding. We'd been together 5 years and nothing was more exciting than finally moving to the next phase of our life and being married... It really felt so significant to us at the time and it was. I loved our wedding and the time between getting married and having children is probably the happiest I've ever been (not in a I'm not happy since having children way, I wouldn't not have them for the world but there's no denying I was day to day far happier before haha and I cherish that phase of my life).

I was just pondering, if we hadn't gotten married then but everything else has been exactly the same, we'd done literally everything else as we have, we just hadn't got married, would I want to get married now. Same children, same dogs, same home, same jobs, same garden in desperate need of rotavating. Would getting married feel as important to me now as it did then?

I think if we had never gotten married then, I think I would perhaps get married but not have a wedding now. I loved my wedding and at the time I honestly do not remember being at all bothered how much it was costing, because it was the most important thing I me at that phase of life. But now? I don't that I would want to spend £12k on a wedding only to feel that the following day everything was exactly the same as two days before and I think I'd be far too aware that there are so many more things we could do if we have that kind of money over what is essentially just a party.

So I suppose I just wonder for those of you that did get married before lots of other big life events, if nothing else in your life was different, do you think you would want the wedding / marriage in the same way now as you did then?

OP posts:
TheChiffchaff · 10/05/2026 12:51

We were together for 18 years before getting married. It was a quick register office job not a wedding. Neither of us was interested in fussy but we were thinking of having children and felt we preferred to be married for that and longer term for legal benefits. No regrets, that was 33 years ago.

RS1987 · 10/05/2026 12:52

I wouldn’t bother with a wedding now. So many better things to spend money on. Not sure about marriage - it’s just a piece of paper but then again why not?

CloudyBayPlease · 10/05/2026 12:58

I find weddings a bore, always have done. I really hate what modern weddings have become. We have been invited to a destination wedding this year. I think it will cost us 10k. This is for just the 2 of us. There is also a dress code which has had me eye rolling.

I do think marriage is important and I’d marry my husband again in a heartbeat. It was important to us to be married before we had kids. Now we’re older, I realise how important it is financially to be married.

Interested in this thread?

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Marriage & partnerships Weddings
Forty85 · 10/05/2026 13:03

Hmm if we weren't married yet and were going to get married right now at this stage in my life, I think we'd just do it abroad as a small intimate wedding that cost less. Three out of four parents dead, not as close to the majority of the extended family really now due to that tie being severed. Now wer 40/41, we have a smaller friendship circle of people we really get on well with rather than the larger, different groups of friends wev drifted away from for various reasons.

EffortlesslyDistracted · 10/05/2026 13:08

We had a smallish, fairly low budget wedding, partly to keep costs down and partly because I was too self-conscious to want a huge crowd watching. If I was doing it again now (25 years later) I could afford to do it bigger, am more confident about being in the spotlight and would invite all the people we didn’t invite first time and more, we have far bigger circles of friends with everyone our age having children. But keep it local and low-effort for attendees. Just a big party really with a simple ceremony at the start.

sunnydisaster · 10/05/2026 13:17

No, I loved my wedding and have great memories of it 25 years later. We lived together for 6 years before we got married too. I didn’t want children before we got married, I wanted to enjoy my 20s and dh had reservations about his extended family and thought invites etc would cause ructions. We def made the right call apart from my mum died before we got married (it was all planned so we stuck with her wishes even though we would’ve done things a bit differently.)

PygmyOwl · 10/05/2026 13:18

I'm a bit similar to you OP. DH and I had been together for 6 years when we got married but living together for less than a year because it was a long distance relationship for two years while he was working abroad. Our wedding cost about the same as yours too.

Getting married was really important to me at the time and still is. I realise that you don't have to be married to be in a committed relationship, but for me personally it's important, especially when you're planning to have children. I loved our wedding day (we had over 120 guests) and looking back I wouldn't change a thing. However we were in the fortunate position of both being high earners at the time and having a contribution from both sets of parents - it would be different if we'd had to save up for ages.

BrownBookshelf · 10/05/2026 13:21

The wedding and being married are two different things.

Being married would be more important now, since we have DC and I earn less. Neither of those things were the case when we got married.

I think I'd still want a wedding, not least as it'd be easier to afford, but it would look different.

ShizeItsWeegie · 10/05/2026 13:22

I would not have had the engagement ring because it's beautiful but I have never worn it. We've never worn our wedding rings either.

I would have the wedding we had but not the evening do with the people I invited, just carried on with the rest of the day with the people that we invited to the wedding so it was an altogether smaller affair.

TokyoSushi · 10/05/2026 13:23

I’d still want to get married but I definitely wouldn’t have the same wedding as we did, we had the whole ‘as expected’ early 2000’s wedding, right down to favours on the tables etc etc, it cost £18K! 😳😳😳

I’d have a wedding for about 12 people now with a lunch somewhere like The Ivy afterwards and a fabulous honeymoon!

DeftGoldHedgehog · 10/05/2026 13:26

I wouldn't have done anything different than what we did/spent 22 years ago. We could afford it and didn't go into debt. People still talk about how great the wedding was. No regrets at all.

Mumdiva99 · 10/05/2026 13:28

We got married when the kids were 10, 8 and 6 approx. We hadn't married earlier for lots of reasons. We had a lovely wedding and reception - informal by lots of people's standards. 60 guests i think and about 10k. A fab memory. Did it change anything- on a day to day basis no. But legally we are entwined further than we were...so for pensions, probate, medical power of attorney etc it's easier. We did have wills already to put most of that in place.

djnvjdhfjfn · 10/05/2026 13:29

I got married 19 years ago, before having children, and to us it was about the marriage not the wedding. We had a small wedding with 12 guests and did everything cheaply, although we did pay slightly more to marry in a location that meant more to us than a registry office. We used the money we would have spent on a house deposit and have had no regrets - we’d do exactly the same again.

ScotiaLass · 10/05/2026 13:37

We spent quite a lot of money on our wedding because we were young, childfree and had quite a lot of disposable income and having a big party was important to us. It was also important to me to get married before we had children, but if we hadn't done before they arrived then I'm not sure if we would do it now. If we did it would be a registry office wedding and a meal with close friends and family afterwards.

MegaMewtwo · 10/05/2026 13:38

RS1987 · 10/05/2026 12:52

I wouldn’t bother with a wedding now. So many better things to spend money on. Not sure about marriage - it’s just a piece of paper but then again why not?

Well yes, it's a "piece of paper" like an employment contract or general agreement is. It entails various legalities that can be very important in many circumstances - but not all.

1980isitjustme · 10/05/2026 13:40

I really hope the woman who posted her dissatisfaction with her OH not arranging a video/photographer for the proposal reads this thread and realises that the public show is not the point/focus.

I personally used covid as the perfect excuse to avoid a big wedding. I’m so glad we did it then as it brings a different type of stability & commitment in my mind (although we had already been together over 10 years and had kids).

mondaytosunday · 10/05/2026 13:43

I got married at 40 after knowing my DH just over a year. Only one of three girls in my family to get married, it was a a black tie do in central London, with about 20 people flying in from abroad and 100 others.
He died seven years later but if I was to get married again it would be a very quiet affair. Perhaps a small ceremony in at my late parents house in Spain with my siblings and a couple friends. I’d have the ceremony but definitely small scale with a dinner afterwards.
My BIL had a registry wedding with just family first time. His wife obviously regretted not having a big one do ten years later they had a big church wedding with the dress and bridesmaids etc and sit down dinner reception. You’d never know they had married ten years earlier - the invites said ‘blessing of their marriage’ as the only clue. They are now divorced!
I think many want that one big party.

newusername4321 · 10/05/2026 13:51

I absolutely couldn’t be bothered about a wedding now. I might stlll want marriage but absolutely no big wedding. Personally, I feel our wedding marked the start of our journey to start our family and step into a new phase of life in that sense. If I was to marry my DH now, it would feel much more like just a legal contract. We had already committed and started our family years ago.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/05/2026 14:11

MegaMewtwo · 10/05/2026 13:38

Well yes, it's a "piece of paper" like an employment contract or general agreement is. It entails various legalities that can be very important in many circumstances - but not all.

Show quote history

What I was going to say! It's not right for everyone but having your relationship recognised in law makes life a lot easier for many. It makes an enormous difference in inheritance tax for those to whom that is a concern.

MegaMewtwo · 10/05/2026 15:48

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/05/2026 14:11

What I was going to say! It's not right for everyone but having your relationship recognised in law makes life a lot easier for many. It makes an enormous difference in inheritance tax for those to whom that is a concern.

Show quote history

'General agreement' should say 'rental agreement ' in my post! Not sure what's happening with my phone keyboard!

SpiritAdder · 10/05/2026 15:52

I would not change anything.
Married while on a gap year from university…college here in the US
Did not have a wedding. Waste of money.
Marriage meant I could then qualify for student loans so I could finish my degree.

yeesh · 10/05/2026 15:55

We were together a fairly long time before we got married (our son was 11). I didn’t feel ready before then, I wouldn’t change anything. It was the right time for us and we loved our wedding.

mindutopia · 10/05/2026 16:43

Yes, absolutely would still have gotten married exactly as I did. I wouldn’t particularly care much about the wedding. I had a lovely expensive wedding and it was beautiful, but I didn’t personally pay for a penny of it. 😂 My family has money and mine was the only wedding in my generation. I don’t think it’s worth it spending that much money on a day, but they did, so okay, that’s fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I absolutely would want to be married to Dh though and have no regrets about the marriage at all.

Additup · 10/05/2026 16:44

We had a smallish wedding almost 25 years ago and are still married. Would I still marry now? Absolutely for the legal protection and framework marriage automatically provides.

Ontodaysepisode · 10/05/2026 16:47

Yes, I’d still want a wedding.. the wedding I had? No. Far too expensive, many things I paid for I didn’t even remember, have a go at/taste of ect. A lot of my wedding felt absolutely wasted on me, even if it wasn’t to our guests… selfishly I think if I didn’t get to enjoy it why did I pay for it 🤣

now it would be registers office with our nearest and dearest, then off to the local pub to celebrate.