Grandparents not being grandparents anymore ?!

[gns68]

I feel like I don’t have the “village” everyone talks about, and it’s really starting to weigh on me.

My son’s dad is a bus driver, and he complains every single day about how demanding his job is. I don’t want to be unfair, but from my perspective, it’s frustrating—especially because on his two days off, he doesn’t really step in to help with our son. He’s currently staying with me while he’s house hunting, and I still have to ask him just to take our son out so I can get a break, or even to clean up after himself.

We’re not together, and most of the time I feel like I’m doing everything on my own. I’m the one caring for our son 24/7. Even when his dad does take him out, there’s always an attitude, like he’s sacrificing his only free time, rather than just being a parent. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t even know how to parent—I still have to remind him about basic things like dressing him properly or bringing a jacket when it’s cold.

My mum isn’t much support either. I honestly envy women who can rely on their parents for help and get regular breaks. When I leave my son with her, she complains constantly and makes me feel uncomfortable. Yesterday, I asked her to watch him while I prepared the house for new carpets—it was just for safety. Not even an hour later, she called me saying I should come get him because “I’m not doing anything anyway.” Then she showed up at my door with him.

It feels like the only time I ever get a real break is when I leave the country and have to pay my mum or sister to watch him. That’s the only way I can get any time to myself.

I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m doing this completely alone, and it’s overwhelming. Lately, I’ve even been thinking about moving to another country with my son, just to start fresh and build a happier, more peaceful life for us.

And who will help you in this new country?
i get where you are coming from. If the child’a father doesn’t step up are you able to get paid help?

@Truetoselfmy background is Caribbean (Jamaican)I have so much help when I am in my family country with cusens and aunties and friends and my son has so much the atmosphere is so much better and peaceful I don’t know how to explain the feeling of you know you know

and my son has soo much freedom I wouldn’t feel so much pressure and stress

That sounds really tough. I think many single parents will understand where you are coming from. Your Mum, whilst not obliged to help you at all seems particularly mean. I suspect because you have paid her at other times (if I understand correctly) she now feels resentful doing it for free. That's really sad. My dm lived too far to help regularly but would awlays jump at the chance to help out.

The only thing you can do really is to pay someone else for childcare to give yourself a break and if you can afford it get someone to clean for you too. It will get a bit easier as he gets older.

his father can block you going. Tell him he needs to do some actual parenting or you’ll consider it. If you can earn a decent living I’d go there in a heartbeat in your shoes!

I am not sure I understand…you are unhappy because no one gives you a break from your child? Unless you go out of the country and then you have to pay them?
Did you think being a mother was a part time thing?

@GOATYOAT It feels like you didn’t actually read what I said.

I never once said I have an issue with being a mum, so I don’t understand why you’re responding as if I did. What I made clear is that I don’t have the “village” that people always talk about. My point was about the lack of support around me — not motherhood itself.

I specifically spoke about my child’s father, who should be sharing the responsibility of raising his child. That’s what I was addressing. So please go back and actually read what I wrote.

And this whole idea of “what did you expect motherhood to be like” is exactly the kind of mindset that pushes mothers away from wanting more children. People say “it takes a village” for a reason. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean your family shouldn’t help.

How is a child supposed to build close relationships with their grandparents or extended family if there’s no involvement? It’s not like how it used to be. Families were more connected — cousins grew up together, children spent time in each other’s homes, and support was shared.

That kind of community is missing now, and that’s the real issue I was talking about.

I guess the OP had a very reasonable expectation that the child’s father would do some of the parenting. She isn’t complaining about being a mum, she’s rightly fed up that the father doesn’t do his share

Why is your title about grandparents when you are actually moaning about your child's shit father.

If he won't clean up after himself then kick him out, but you can't force him to parent. Would he block you from leaving the country?

@INeedAnotherName I’m clearly talking about both grandparents not stepping up, so actually read before you start commenting.

Some of you come on here just to talk and completely miss the point. I already mentioned the father not doing his part and the lack of support from family. What do you want, a whole essay in the title spelling it out for you?

Are you here to give real input or just chat nonsense about a title that obviously caught your attention? It brought you here, didn’t it?

If you’re not adding anything useful, keep it moving.

This. WTAF is GOAT gibbering about?

OP why is your ex staying at your house if he doesn’t help? Why are you acting well while he’s acting poorly? Tell him to bugger off or parent.

@MrsTerryPratchettbec he said he wanted to save to find a home as he doesn’t have anywhere to go he pays to stay here so I thought it was great idea with the extra hand in the beginning it was fine he did his part but he’s gotten to comfortable so I need to tell him to leave I’m better off in my own home alone !

There is no such thing as ' the village'. I don't know why people think there is. Many people today live miles from family, siblings work, grandparents are either working or have retired after a lifetime of working and want to do their own thing. Sorry, but I just think it's a slogan put about to con people.
Your ex needs to do more, but I think you know that's not going to happen. He's the one I would be angry with.

It’s not, you know. But you have to build it, mostly. We had DS in another country to all of both our families, so we had to make our own ‘village’.

Having said that, the OP’s problem is that her child’s father isn’t doing half the parenting. That’s not a lack of village, that’s just a crap dad.

Society here is I imagine very different from Jamaican life.
Grandparents here will not necessarily expect to ‘step up’ in the way you think they should.
How we parent in different countries will be different. And I suspect that extends to grandparents too.

Looking at my own parents they did not have a village either. Nobody in fact. Grandparents lived hundreds of miles away. And some families live close by and are considered close where they see each other every other day etc. Many don’t. And live far and wide.

Don’t expect the same as in Jamaica.

I don't get your point either. Your title mentions grandparents, but you say it's actually your son's father not stepping up.

Lots of people don't have "villages". Lots of people don't have a great deal of help from the other parent. Lots of people don't have useful grandparents.
Yes, it's shit and it would be much better if this was not the case, but you're not remotely alone in having to do everything yourself. TBH if you got your mum to watch your son for an hour while you did carpet prep, that's an hour more than many people get. Just to provide a different perspective.

How is a child supposed to build close relationships with their grandparents or extended family if there’s no involvement? It’s not like how it used to be. Families were more connected — cousins grew up together, children spent time in each other’s homes, and support was shared.

That certainly wasn’t the case for either me or my parents - not sure about grandparents, but how far back are we going here?

I had a close relationship with my grandparents despite not living in each others pockets. And cousins are largely irrelevant for most people, and have been for years.

@redskyAtNigh You’re still not getting my point.

How would you feel running around your own home trying to get things done, you finally drop your child off with your mum, and within an hour she’s calling you saying you’re “not doing anything that important anyway”? You don’t even get time to properly start anything because the phone won’t stop ringing with complaints.

Then less than an hour after dropping him off, she brings him back to your door.

That’s the frustration. It’s not about expecting too much — it’s about the fact that I literally arranged this with her yesterday, she agreed to it, and then turns around and does this anyway.

And as I already said, my post clearly mentions both my mum and my child’s father. I can’t spell out every single detail in the title just to satisfy people looking for something to pick apart.

If you’re not here to understand the actual issue I’m raising, then honestly, move on.

It’s the little one I feel sorry for because no one seems to want to be with him, I hope no one lets him know how much they don’t want to spend anytime with him.

You are very angry and clearly feel unsupported here. If the child’s father agrees, move to the country where you have experienced help. Make sure the help would be there if it were a long term need tho.
Life is often rosier in hindsight.
Your child will grow up and need less commitment from you eventually. Children need their mothers. It’s tough but rewarding.

@AlcoholicAntibiotic I dunno from my perspective black families and other cultures grow up differently most of the black people and other cultures I knew grew up with each other cousins etc a lot of white people don’t thou I realise

I don’t think most of us have a village.

Obviously, your main problem is that your ex sounds like a useless dad. I get a break pretty much whenever I need it. I don’t work currently (due to chronic illness) and Dh runs a busy business, but still always has time for our dc. He’s had them a good chunk of this weekend as I’ve not been well. There are times when he has to be away for work. But otherwise, he’s fully present and just does everything.

But beyond co-parents, I don’t think most of us have the sort of village you have in Jamaica. Certainly, none of my dc’s grandparents have ever had them to their house overnight or cooked them a meal or taken them on a day out. My eldest is 13! They aren’t tiny and have been part of the family a long time. When I was a child, my grandparents had me for sleepovers and took me on holiday to the beach and I ate dinner at theirs several nights a week and they took me on days out. My dc, in 13 years have never spent the night at a grandparents. They’ve never had dinner with one either. Grandparents have a handful of times come to ours and I’ve left a pizza for them to cook. But literally never in over a decade have my dc been invited to visit their grandparents without us. Maybe a few times when eldest was a toddler, we visited for lunch as a family. My youngest is 8 and has actually never seen either of his granny’s houses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Amongst friends who do have parents around, it’s mostly polite visiting or they are primarily carers. It’s not a warm, loving, involved relationship like Dh and I both had with our grandparents. I can think of only 3 families I know who have involved engaged grandparents and extended family. Otherwise, it’s us as co-parents doing it all on our own together, with little in the way of even emotional support.

Moving is one option, but do consider the impact on your son, not just you. Don’t remove the possibility of a loving relationship with his dad, nor the educational and career opportunities he may find here.

Some grandparents just aren't interested - that's it, nothing more to understand.
You are right however to expect more of your son' father

Seriously consider going back to Jamaica, BUT you can only go if the father agrees, and you must have a long term plan.

What are the job prospects like in Jamaica? Do you have a professional qualification or a proper 'career' to go back into? How will you support yourself?
Do you have dual citizenship? Could you get back into the UK if a future government tightened the rules around immigration?
What is the healthcare like?
What are the schools like?
What is the housing situation like?

If Jamaica is not a realistic prospect, you need to build your own network. Offer babysitting to friends, and ask them to return the favour.

Get your ex out of your house ASAP - that is not a healthy way to live.

@Mere1 Would you call it anger, or just frustration with people who don’t use one of their basic senses — like looking, reading properly, and actually making sense of what they’ve read?

Because at this point it’s not even about emotions, it’s about people not taking the time to properly read before they respond.

why would I ask permission from someone that doesn’t help what would he be missing out on he can come and visit I’ve had this talk with him he kind of just says go for it really

I’m clearly talking about both grandparents not stepping up, so actually read before you start commenting
You didn't mention his parents once, I have no idea if they are even alive. Read your opening post and title again.

If your child's father was a decent parent you wouldn't be moaning about a lack of village. But as pp said - YOU need to put the effort in to creating this village it's not for others to become it.

But I'm out. Can't stand snippy OPs who aren't clear in their posts in the first place.