Grandparents not being grandparents anymore ?!

[gns68]

I feel like I don’t have the “village” everyone talks about, and it’s really starting to weigh on me.

My son’s dad is a bus driver, and he complains every single day about how demanding his job is. I don’t want to be unfair, but from my perspective, it’s frustrating—especially because on his two days off, he doesn’t really step in to help with our son. He’s currently staying with me while he’s house hunting, and I still have to ask him just to take our son out so I can get a break, or even to clean up after himself.

We’re not together, and most of the time I feel like I’m doing everything on my own. I’m the one caring for our son 24/7. Even when his dad does take him out, there’s always an attitude, like he’s sacrificing his only free time, rather than just being a parent. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t even know how to parent—I still have to remind him about basic things like dressing him properly or bringing a jacket when it’s cold.

My mum isn’t much support either. I honestly envy women who can rely on their parents for help and get regular breaks. When I leave my son with her, she complains constantly and makes me feel uncomfortable. Yesterday, I asked her to watch him while I prepared the house for new carpets—it was just for safety. Not even an hour later, she called me saying I should come get him because “I’m not doing anything anyway.” Then she showed up at my door with him.

It feels like the only time I ever get a real break is when I leave the country and have to pay my mum or sister to watch him. That’s the only way I can get any time to myself.

I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m doing this completely alone, and it’s overwhelming. Lately, I’ve even been thinking about moving to another country with my son, just to start fresh and build a happier, more peaceful life for us.

@StandingDeskDisco I’m currently seething up an Airbnb rental there so that would be our main income I have a home in Jamiaca already I was born in the uk and my child I wouldn’t have any issues come back if I wanted to

like I said my family is Jamaican I’ve been going to Jamaica since birth I know a lot of schools etc

Everyone I knew who had children of my own children's ages worked full time. Every single person who I was friends with was the same. So, it was really difficult to find a person willing and able to give practical help. They were just too busy. I actually am from a village in, what was, a very rural county. There were grannies /grandads, wider family who could help when I was growing up. We lived different lives, because it was rural, adult children didn't move far and I was related in some way to most of the actual village. Life has changed for most of us. Many parents only have each other.

It is sad. We're turning in to a very individualistic society, so much of 'not my responsibility'. I do think so many people having intense work schedules, more people moving away for work and social media having people think they need to be busy with activities and have a pristine house all play a part in it. I'm only 40, but things felt so much slower and people were more connected during my childhood. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and neighbours were all a big part of my life growing up. I think it really benefited me having that and I feel for the children of today who don't have that.

@INeedAnotherNamein my title it already mentions grandparents, and in the post I clearly explain both situations as well. I’m not going to write an essay in the title just to make people feel better.

The title is meant to get people to read and comment on the post — that’s the whole point. It says I don’t have a village, which includes both my mum and my child’s father. That’s exactly what I explained.

So instead of picking apart the wording of the title, just read the actual post properly or move on.

So it could be a realistic plan.
Have a back-up source of income to the Airbnb, as the tourist trade could take a hit at any time, e.g. a bad recession or disruption to flights due to war.

@JLou08 finally someone gets it I can tell the worlds changed from the answers I’ve been getting “your responsibly deal with it” I see why a lot of women my age group in their 20’s refuse to have kids and I don’t blame them if the only time we can express ourselves to other mums and that’s the response you get it’s wild that’s why I’m so grateful I had 1 child and done

I grew up in the eighties and there was very much a village feel. Grand parents, great grandparents and other mums helping each other out and non of the women worked. Also kids just played out all day. Much simpler times.

i had a lot of help with elder dc from ex’s parents (a mixed blessing) but very little support with younger dc (except for dh) but now elder dc are adults they do help so lucky. I will definitely support my dc.

Is moving back an option? If you have a good network of support there, could you move back permanently? I mean, it's not like your parents have a super strong bond with your ds, if they only have him when you pay them.

No village here. Our parents have moved away (we’re ten miles from where we both grew up), our siblings have helped in emergencies/covered a wedding but live 100 miles away.

We knew that when we discussed having a family. It sucks massively, particularly when our friends have their Mum doing the school run or their brother taking the kids twice a month so they can go out. No point getting down about it though, nothing is changing and we knew what we were getting when we started a family.

If the other parent is crap, though, you have every right to address that.

How is a child supposed to build close relationships with their grandparents or extended family if there’s no involvement?

I feel this so hard.

I'm an only child and my Mum and dad were never close with their siblings enough for me to have relationships with cousins.

My parents are long divorced. Dad doesn't keep so well but turns up once a month-ish and really tries to foster a relationship with DS (13). He puts time in, tries to spend time with DS and spoils him a bit when he can.

My Mum was still working full time until DS was 8ish so obviously I didn't expect her to be spending her only day of a week looking after DS, but she always spoke about how when she retired she could help with school pick ups and have more time with him. It never materialised.

She's losing her relationship with him and she's obviously sad about it but she can't be arsed to do anything to improve it.

I'm lucky DP is such a good Dad but i do mourn that close family bond I see all of my friend's kids having with Grandparents and Aunts/Uncles and cousins. DS will never have it and it's a real shame.

It sounds like life would improve for both you and DC if you were to move to Jamaica. I'd be giving it serious consideration.

You’re right, it is quite cultural. That said, my husband was from a family that lived in the east end of London, who moved to Essex after the war. Their family outlook was very much like ours (African immigrants). He grew up with a bunch of cousins, as did I. His parents and my mum and sisters all helped to bring up our kids in a tight knit family, helping out with our kids during school holidays.

I work full time, so I can’t devote quite as much time to helping out with my grandkids as I’d like, as I don’t have nearly as much holiday entitlement, but between my family, my husband’s family (her cousins, with whom she and her siblings grew up with) and her partner’s family, we’ve pretty much managed to keep the village going. Whilst it may not exist for everyone, I don’t believe that there is no such thing as the village, not when I look around my friends and family.

OP effectively you are a single parent with no external support. On top of that you are housing an adult who contributes nothing but causes more work for you. This clearly has to change.

Option 1 - kick the adult out and go it alone. Expect nothing from him.
Option 2 - go to live in Jamaica where you have supportive family and means to financially support yourself
Option 3 - do nothing, carry on as you are

If you are absolutely certain that Option 2 would work, that family will definitely be available to help you, not just empty promises, and that you can definitely afford to support yourself, then I would do that.

Your husband drives a bus…. In what way is this demanding? It must be one of the lowest effort jobs one could do.

I think your husband is lazy. Your parents don’t owe you babysitting favours.

Why are you even with your husband?

Your child’s dad- absolutely should be stepping up. If he’s not going to, tell him today he can find somewhere else to live. Yes you’d be on your own but I’d rather be genuinely on my own than feel on my own while living with someone who should be stepping up & isn’t.

Grandparents though, I think you’re unreasonable really. Being part of a village doesn’t have to mean childcare and they don’t need to provide childcare to have a great relationship, could you not do things together? I would say I do have a village in that my parents are brilliant grandparents but they don’t do any childcare and I wouldn’t expect them to. They join us on park trips etc, we do Sunday lunch together, they come see the kids and we go see them but they don’t have the kids on their own. Not providing childcare does not = bad grandparents.

I agree. Except to say that there never really was this mythical "village". Some women got help years ago and some didn't. But mostly once you got married it was your home, your kids, your husband and largely your problem. The idea that life was like a episode of "Neighbours" where everyone looks after everyone else's kids and dogs at the drop of a hat is a case of rose tinted glasses on steroids I'm afraid.

same. its unnatural and it sucks and it is what society has done to families...

The village is supposed to be a support. Some of us do not have it.

So go out and build one. Many of us live and rear our children in different countries to family, so if we want a village, it’s a matter of making one.

Like its that easy! lol...

Well, the village is either there or it is not.
Some families still are very close, live close by and see each other a lot.
Many don’t.
We became a very mobile society. People no longer stay in a village, town or city. But move. And live in different parts of the country.

My parents never had a village. Mum was at home. And had to get on with things while we were around her. And did.

And society has been this way for some time. Some families close. Some not. Probably more not than are. It is not something new.

The point is support does not have to equal childcare.

If you would have more support in Jamaica I would definitely explore that option, although your XP could potentially object. Would he stop you from taking DS away?

@gns68
I think the replies you’re getting are unfair, and some irrelevant.

Was your experience more of an extended / village with your Caribbean family in UK growing up? And now are feeling the contrast of not having that support in the next generation? Some people reply only from their own perspective, and are from families that have been more dispersed for economic reasons for many more generations.

Also I think bus driving is a stressful job!

When you have a child, I don’t think you can automatically rely on people helping. Did you discuss that at all before your child was born? Only you can decide whether to move abroad is the right thing to do.

Breaking news: “the village” doesn’t exist or is very rare indeed. I don’t think it ever did, certainly not 25 years ago when I had my kids. But kids grow up and rely on us less as they get older.