Funeral - sensitive question

[theedgeofthecloud]

I'd be grateful for some advice. My mum died on Saturday (6 days ago). For various reasons the funeral won't take place until 20th May, so 3.5 weeks after death. I'm completely torn and in great torment about whether to have her embalmed. Funeral Directors say it's an entirely personal choice and there's no pressure, though I get the slight impression they perhaps think it's for the best. No-one will be viewing the body, and I've always been instinctively averse to embalming and in many ways just want my poor mum left alone. But 3.5wks is probably just past the point of ideal, and I'm worried about how deteriorated she could be and in particular if there may be a smell in the church? Any wise insights would be very welcome thank you. My brain is spiralling.

So sorry for your loss, sending you a hug.

I couldn’t bear the idea of my sister being embalmed, seemed so intrusive once I looked up the process, she’d been through enough. Her funeral wasn’t until just over 3 weeks after she died and there was no smell. But it was also January in Scotland and her coffin was covered in so many flowers which maybe played a role.

Stick with your instincts on this. I’d hope the funeral home aren’t pushing embalming as it would make things easier for them or maybe would up their fee, I really don’t know.

My mum's funeral was nearly four weeks after she died and there was no smell at all. She was cremated but the coffin was in the chapel during the service. Three weeks will be fine.

So sorry for your loss, its so much isn't it 💖

Oh and my dad was five weeks after death, again was fine. No one ever suggested embalming him tbh but I wouldn't have anyway. We didn't have flowers because they weren't my parents thing and still no smell at all.

My mum wasn’t embalmed and we had to wait 6 weeks, it was fine don’t worry.

I’m so sorry for your loss, it does get easier I promise

Sorry for the loss of your dm. We didn't have my Aunt or fil embalmed. We went to view both bodies and they were fine. I personally wouldn't get it done

Don’t worry about it. My MIL had a naturalist funeral over four weeks after she died. They don’t embalm the body and she was buried in a wicker coffin. There was no smell.

Fil had his funeral 6 weeks after he died and wasn’t embalmed. No issues, funeral director actually advised against for some reason (I didn’t meet them, dh and his sisters did so I don’t know why). No smell in the crem, his coffin was carried in.

@theedgeofthecloud this immediately takes me right back to this time last year when I was in exactly the same situation as you with exactly the same concerns at such a difficult time.

I didn't want any embalming for my mum but equally had no experience of what I was going through so wasn't sure what was necessary.

We didn't and there were absolutely no issues.
Sending you a big hug and I hope you have real life support around you to lean on. ❤️

There was an inquest after my Dad's death which delayed the funeral. We did have him embalmed as some relatives wished to see him. I suppose I'm glad we did it for them, but it upset me because despite the embalming I didn't think he looked right at all.

If no one had been viewing him I wouldn't have done it. The fluids are toxic and as pp have mentioned, there won't be a smell.

I lost my Mum on the 18th April last year, and I lost my Dad on the 22nd April this year. Mum's funeral was, and Dad's will be, on the 20th May too and neither were embalmed, both cremated. There were no issues with my Mum, and that included transporting her across the country for her funeral. Unless it's an open coffin, then I see no reason at all to do it.

As we will be saying a last goodbye to our parents on the same day, I'll be sure to include you and your Mum in my thoughts that day x

I think some responses are assuming different things. If the coffin was being kept at home then the temperature would lead to different outcomes than the deceased being kept in a cold location at the undertakers.
Very sorry for your loss

Don’t worry about it. My mum had to wait over a month for the funeral and everything was fine. It’s quite normal. The funeral directors deal with this every day.

My mum’s funeral was also 3.5 weeks after her death and I can absolutely confirm that there was no smell at all at the funeral. The funeral home treated her very respectfully including proper cool storage and it wasn’t an issue without embalming. I would say you only need embalming if you want an open casket viewing. Otherwise, with either cremation or burial, you probably want the natural processes of death to proceed undisturbed so that your mum’s body can be reabsorbed into the natural world and you can know that she is at rest.

My husband died 22nd August and funeral 22nd Sept last year. They said there fridges were so good he would not need embalming. They also said they would give us plenty of notice if they felt he would need embalming. Relatives saw him day before funeral and it was all fine. I am sorry for your loss.

Yes, it feels shocking to realise you're being upsold by funeral directors, but they're a business like any other and the "sales" people at the chains have targets like other salespeople.

Again, I really can't thank you enough for sharing difficult personal experiences and wise insights. It's helped me more than I can say today, I'm very grateful to you all.

That’s sweet and sad that you have the same date. But a Memorial Day for the future. Hope it goes smoothly.💐

I am so sorry x

its ten hes since my mum died and she wasn’t embalmed. There was no smell in the church. I also went and sat with her in the funeral home. There was no smell there either although the room was cold.

Sorry about your mum. I’m sure you are in bits,
Funerals for my mum, dad, aunt, uncle etc all took place several weeks after their deaths. No embalming required.or offered, IIRC! No odours or anything unpleasant.

My mother's funeral was 4 weeks after she died. She was not embalmed. We buried her in a wicker-basket coffin, in a natural burial ground. One of the rules of a natural burial is that the body must not be embalmed, otherwise it would not decompose properly.

I think embalming is only done if the person is to be buried in a vault or crypt, in a lead-lined coffin, or if the body is going to be on display before burial. Otherwise, there is no point to it.

Hi OP, sorry for your loss.

I used to be a funeral arranger. If no-one is viewing your mum then there's absolutely no need to have her embalmed. The funeral director will keep her resting in a suitable temperature to help delay any deterioration. You're correct that the embalming process is invasive, so don't have it done if it's not needed. My DH had his funeral a month after he died and his body was fine. If mum's body should deteriorate slightly then the funeral director can add some neutralisers to the coffin that will absorb any aroma, so don't worry about that.

We waited nearly 7 weeks before we were able to bury my mother because of coroner involvement.

The funeral director said there was no need to embalm and no need to buy an expensive coffin.

please don't feel pressurised to do anything or to spend more than you are comfy with - we were fortunate with our choice of funeral director

Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your losses and very touched by your comments, thank you.

My mum’s funeral was a month after she died, she had a natural burial so no embalming. There was no odour or fluids present, admittedly it was outside but I have a heightened sense of smell . Sorry for your loss ❤️

I had to decide to put him on end of life on the 18th, and I was absolutely expecting him to go that day. I can't get over them going in the same week. It was my Dad's birthday on the 19th, so they both narrowly avoided that.

Apparently, they just couldn't be without each other.