What age did you allow your child more independence?

[CharlieWeasleysWife]

At what age did you start to allow DC some freedom and independence?

DC9 has been asking for some time for some freedom - to walk to the shops (10 mins each way, no major roads to cross but some questionable teenagers hanging around), stay at home for half an hour while I pop out etc. Walking to school is not an option, too far and down country lanes with no footpaths.

So far I have allowed him to walk round large supermarkets to browse/fetch things for me whilst I am shopping in the same supermarket (he actually wants to do a full weekly shop for the family 🤭), enter a small local shop alone to purchase agreed items while I wait in car outside, always allow/encourage him to go up to the counter to place orders in coffee shops, soft play etc....

It is tricky as we live on a busy through road so no opportunity to play out independently and local parks often have groups of (sometimes unpleasant) teens hanging around.

No phone and don't intend to give him one anytime soon, although considering a Karri if anyone has similar and can recommend?

At 9, go to local cornershop and walk to school (about 1k local streets)
Currently at 12 cycling everywhere in our part of the city. Taking bus to city centre to go to cinema/arcade games/mall with friends.

Pretty much the same, but when she went to boarding school she and friends were put on a train in Edinburgh and escorted through london. By 12, either me or another parent would follow behind "as they knew the route/underground" tbf it was kingscoss to Waterloo so one tube.

I've built it up gradually, from about 5 they could play in the park next door whilst I watched from my driveway. Then when they were a bit older I would sit in the garden, then the house with the windows open. Now they are allowed to roam around the estate at 8 and 10.

I walked behind them to go to the shop 5 minutes away or to school a mile away to check they were ok with everything. My youngest isn't really allowed to walk on his own own but I don't think it will be long before I let him.

I'm sure once my eldest starts high school in September he will start wanting to get the bus into town with his friends so that's something else I'll have to get comfortable with.

Just as I start to get comfortable with the freedom they have, they suddenly grow up and it's time for the next step! I feel like I will wake up tomorrow and they will be passing their driving tests!

There isn't a one size fits all situation, if I didn't have the park that was basically my garden then they wouldn't have been allowed out unsupervised until they were older. It was only because I could hear them/look out the window and see them that I let them. I knew they wouldn't run away and that a kidnapper was highly unlikely and that they wouldn't go with a stranger anyway. Someone could easily overpower me but I'm still allowed out unsupervised (although honestly sometimes I really shouldn't be!!)

The best thing to do is start small and build slowly.

Delighted to say that still happens in Scotland.

11

I think its one of those how long is a piece of string questions it completely depends on the area you live and the individual child. One of mine would of been completely fine doing any of these things yet my other one had absolutely no common sense it was actually unbelievable.

That seems a bit late, for all the dc who head off to secondary school then, traveling on their own and many arriving back at an empty house.

Not allowed out on their own at 11! There is more danger on the internet. My niece hadn't been out at 12 on her own and was so frightened to be out. What you see in the papers, on news sites, facebook etc is the pick of the bunch. Rarely anything like normal life. Youngsters are being made incapable of independent thinking and encouraged to have MH issues.

It’s so difficult, I’m a single dad and my daughter is 15 this year and I still worry about her going out on her own.
to be fair she hasn’t gone out on her own, she has gone out with a mate for a little bit but that’s it…

now this weekend, for the first time she is walking out the house, locking up and walking down the street to meet me. I’m scared shitless but I know she will be fine….!!

she is my world and will always be my little girl… why do they have to grow up?!?

I think this is the best advice. It’s too variable by kids and location so what works for us wouldn’t necessarily work for you. But it should be continuous growth.

anecdotally my son is 9 and stays home alone for maybe an hour now and again. He can go to the corner store and walks the mile to school on his own. He’s asking about taking the bus on his own but hasn’t told me where he wants to go yet lol.

My daughter is 13 and goes around town on the bus for her clubs and shopping or whatever she wants. She stays home alone or looks after her brother if we are out in the day, but we haven’t done nights yet. Might try it soon - she’s super responsible and we live in a culdesac and know everyone in our street so there’s be plenty of doors to knock if needed.

I would hope either of my kids would know not to go swimming on their own by now so maybe that’s something to really hammer home.

my son has an Xplora watch which has been brilliant for him for playing out and making plans with his friends.

8 walking to shop 5 mins walk, one way street to cross.
8 cooking a meal under supervision
8 going to park with friends. (Rural village, no main roads, most other kids including rowdy teens known to them)
10 walking to and from school alone and home alone for 30 mins
12 bus to town alone.
12 cook their own tea if we're not home or if they want something different.
14 bus/train to work experience
16 going away to a YHA with friends or camping with friends at a festival where we're present but elsewhere.

With DD, holding her back was an issue. With DS getting him to do things was a challenge.

DD and DS were different ages due to different levels of maturity. Only you know your son’s level of his understanding of safety/ following rules/ looking both ways. I got a pair of long distance walkie talkies for my son, so I could check in on him whenever I wanted. After a month or two I grew more comfortable that I could trust him and then stopped using them.

DS is very independent in general. Been to several residential camps since 8, with one / no friends he knew in attendance - his choice. He can cook several proper meals from scratch. We encourage outside play, den building, free climbing, fire lighting etc. So we are not hugely risk averse, in fact I'm sure many of our friends and family think we are not risk averse enough 🤣 We both agree the key criteria for successful parenting is making your kids competent and independent....however we live on a busy road with no footpath on one side, poor visibility and cars travelling at 50mph, there are some dodgy teens hanging around the local parks and shops and school is too far away to walk (5+ miles), so giving further freedom is difficult at 9. This thread has given me a lot to think about though and some useful suggestions. I think the next step is short stints of time alone at home.

Would you walk on the country roads by yourself?

Because if there is a way to do things safely, you can teach a child to do it (better a child than a teen tbh).

We grew up in a rural area and learning safe road position was just part of growing up.

No unfortunately not, I wouldn't walk myself or want my husband to. Mixture of busy A roads between towns with no path, frequent accidents on the road. And normal country roads that you could walk down and teach a child to walk down. But a good 5+ miles in total so just not feasible due to both distance and safety.

Such a sad world we live in. I'm 59 now and used to go out to play all day sun up to sunset. Everybody did it.

Same here. And the only phones then were in big red boxes! They would not have done me much good because my parents were not on the phone until the 1970s.

From age 10 I travelled across Liverpool by tram to see my grandmother and from 11 into the city center alone or with friends. At 14 I had a part time evening job in the local chip shop which taught me to handle money confidently, deal with sometimes cheery customers straight from the pub and keep busy when the shop was empty. My parents took little account of my school doings and none of my friendships.

When I read these long threads about helecoptering every interaction and curated play dates I shudder for the next generation.

Such a sad world we live in. I'm 59 now and used to go out to play all day sun up to sunset. Everybody did it.

No, "everyone" didn't.

I'm a bit older than you but my sibling is 57. We certainly didn't disappear from "sun up to sunset".

You are either using some rose tinted glasses, or your parents were neglectful, or you lived in a very different part of the world from me.

Fgs shes 15 years old, why are you scared shitless about her locking the house up and coming to meet you? You sound over protective and anxious, thats not going to set your daughter up well for life

At 9, I would leave ds at home to go for a run, maybe 40 mins. He had a phone and could call me if anything was up.
At 10 he could walk 100 yards to the local shop in our village during daylight.
At 12 he could catch the bus or cycle to the library (across the common, no traffic) 4 miles away.
But he was always sensible and risk-averse.

Well done for giving her a bit.more freedom. At 15 she needs to learn fast so keep adding a little more every month.

I wouldn't leave my 9 year old at home alone with a pool. No way.

Not my 12 year old either tbh

Well you are a delight, thank you for your valuable input. :)

Dd was walking to local shop, walking to school and being left for a bit by that age so what you are proposing sounds reasonable to me. You know your own child though, would he stay away from the pool if you told him?

Yes it’ll be no time at all before she’s 18 and like my dd going off to Magaluf with her friends and moving away to uni. So you really need to make sure they know how to risk assess and keep themselves safe. The only way to do that is to allow them to take some risks and this may well be out of your own comfort zone sometimes.

DD is 10. Just before she turned 10 we started allowing her to walk home from school or stay in the house for 30 mins. She has also recently walked to the corner shop herself. We are in line with other families locally. Some started doing these things a bit younger, some still aren't allowed.