What age did you allow your child more independence?

[CharlieWeasleysWife]

At what age did you start to allow DC some freedom and independence?

DC9 has been asking for some time for some freedom - to walk to the shops (10 mins each way, no major roads to cross but some questionable teenagers hanging around), stay at home for half an hour while I pop out etc. Walking to school is not an option, too far and down country lanes with no footpaths.

So far I have allowed him to walk round large supermarkets to browse/fetch things for me whilst I am shopping in the same supermarket (he actually wants to do a full weekly shop for the family 🤭), enter a small local shop alone to purchase agreed items while I wait in car outside, always allow/encourage him to go up to the counter to place orders in coffee shops, soft play etc....

It is tricky as we live on a busy through road so no opportunity to play out independently and local parks often have groups of (sometimes unpleasant) teens hanging around.

No phone and don't intend to give him one anytime soon, although considering a Karri if anyone has similar and can recommend?

Age 5, but we live in an estate. DS goes around with older kids who have younger siblings. So, they are trusted to mind the small ones. I’d allow him to do his own thing in a shop or supermarket. And he has always loved meeting new people (talking to strangers) since he started walking & talking! He is not shy at all & likes connecting.

Depends on the child and where you live. Below is approximately what we allowed.

Out to play to tiny park around the corner from our house age 6
Go to the 'big park' from age 8
Leave our estate from age 10
Get the bus into town, leisure park, swimming, cinema etc from age 11
Get the bus or train to other towns or cities from age 14

The level of freedom you've described, ordering alone at a counter or fetching an item from another part of the shop is the sort of responsibility afforded to a younger child of about 7. My 6 1/2 year old can and does both.

At 9 walking to the shop or being left alone for a brief amount of time seems much more age appropriate freedom. It's important to build it up over time. Will he be travelling to secondary alone?

This is really tricky as two kids the same age can be totally different and other factors like location. When dc was 8/9 they would go into local shop for 1 or 2 items while I wait outside and only now at 10 we have moved to a rural village has dc started going out independently to local park. We lived in a busy city before and if we still did I would feeĺ dc too young

Yes, to be fair, my 5 year old and 3 year old (with help from his siblings!) can and do do these things too.

Bit of a drip feed but we have a swimming pool so leaving him at home is more risky than in a house without one.

About 9 for walking to school (very close, crossing 2 minor roads). At 10, going round the corner to play with friends, corner shop, local park. Walked to a friend's house further away once or twice but no major roads.
I would have allowed it a bit sooner but she didn't want to. She's starting secondary in September and will be travelling by bus so I'm trying to encourage more independence.

Get him a brick phone for emergencies as in old button style phone just so you have some security and reassurance for yourself. Only give it to him when you’re going to be separated.

From age 8 we sent them to corner shop (50m away, one driveway to cross) to get things

Oldest walked to our from school (about a mile) from age 10, and sometimes walked about 15 mins mostly across a park to friend's house. Let them go into central London on tube alone or with friends from 12ish, they were very competent and mature.

They started going out in evenings from age 16, they tend to be back at sensible times anyway as they get tired quite easily. They're nearly 18 now and occasionally are out after midnight.

A bit later for youngest as he has ADHD and is less self possessed or able to cope with setbacks, and all his friends are neurodivergent so it's taken them all a little longer to become independent, but at 14-15 they're all starting to go out together now.

My daughter is 11.5.
She’s been playing out with her friends in our fairly quiet estate since about 7.5, that’s developed over time from only in our street and the little play areas at either end, to the park a little further away, to further afield but still within our village.
She’s been walking to school with friends since 8.
Going to the local shop with friends since 10. She doesn’t go on her own, but she wouldn’t want to anyway.
She doesn’t get the bus into our town yet, she’s not quite ready for that yet.
Left alone in the house while we pop to the shops or go short errands, in the last six months or so. Now she’s going into high school soon she’ll let herself in after school and be on her own till dad and I get home from work.
She’s been dropped off with her pals at the swimming or to wander round a shopping centre and picked up after.

Played outside as soon as long as I can remember. Went to the park it seemed like every day aged 5 with my friend. Older brother sometimes came too.
Once moved, played outside again a lot. A green outside the house often.
Also ventured around to the large park and would have been six. Again with friend.
Took two buses to school aged six. With brother who was eleven.
Went to newsagents aged six.

I think going ti the local shop at this age would be fine.

I’d leave home alone before I let my children wander the local streets. My 10 year old been home alone while I pop out collect her brother from childcare for a couple years now, she knows not to answer the door etc. I’d let her wander around a supermarket to get a meal deal or whatever while I was in the attached costa probably from age 7 ish? But not out on the streets. But there is broken glass and litter everywhere around here. In the last couple years there were two pedophiles in the paper one from my road and one from the next road. I had a lot of inappropriate behaviour directed towards me as a young girl growing up around here in a local village not the actual town so not sure even village life would make me feel better. so no fucking way will I let my dd fall victim to that. Dd knows to shout I don’t know you leave me alone/don’t touch me etc and I feel like I’m a super market that would be protection enough but not on the streets away from other people/women.

if we lived in the countryside and kids had phones and i knew the neighbours and I trusted their stranger danger I’d let them to the shop and park age 8 ish I think if they were with friends. Never alone. I trust the kids not society. I can’t think of a single year (maybe even term) we’ve not had an alert from the school that a local child was followed/attempted abduction please take care of they walk to school alone.

I know I’m in one of the most deprived areas in my county but I honestly don’t think it’s that. I grew up in a very affluent village just a handful of miles away and this shit was happening there too. A school peer was raped walking home from school age 12 ish, someone else was flashed age 11 in this nice expensive village. Just too many stories

My ds is 11 and when we lived in our old house I let him walk to the shop, but we’ve moved now newrer to town and on the main road into town, he’s asking to go to the local garage and I’ve had to tell him not yet. He would have to cross at 3 crossings, plus he’s autistic and I just can’t risk it yet. Following this thread though to see if I’m being mean !

My son is 11. He can go out and play with friends on our estate. But there’s no way am I ready to let him walk to school yet (other side of town). And the roads off our estate are too dangerous for him to cross. There are some idiot drivers in our town that use the road like ots a race track. Yes, I had more freedom when I was his age. But that was 30+ years ago, and I don’t think the world is as safe for children now as it was back then.

My DD is 9 but one of the youngest in her year (August born, year 5). I'm starting to leave her home alone for up to 30 minutes, but there is nowhere for her to go on her own really as we are nowhere near her school friends and on a main road with no other kids so nobody to visit or play out. She's really sensible and trustworthy but it still feels very weird

11 years old, in groups of three or more in case something happened then the third could run and get help.
I suppose it depends how sensible they are and where you live?

I wouldn't think of it terms of what age can they do X, but as a continuously ongoing process where once they've mastered one task you start immediately on another.

With staying at home:

Can he use the phone? Do you even have a house phone? Can he call 999 if needed? Do you have friendly (or at least helpful in an emergency) neighbours that he would go to for help? Can he open the door? Can he do basic first aid? If yes, then, leave him for ten minutes and build up.

With walking to the shop, similar questions. Can he cross the road? Can he ask for help? Does he know who to ask for help? Can he be trusted to never wander off with a stranger/be tempted into something? If yes, then first step let him walk to the shop with you walking behind and on the other side of the road. Next step, go with him to the shop but send him home alone. Then he can do both ways etc.

It's constant skill building, not suddenly reaching an age where you can do something.

6 and 5 year old are allowed to go to the park/ shops with their older cousins. I pay my niece (13) when she takes them, just a couple of quid for a few sweets. It’s not far from our house though and my brother and SIL live basically opposite the park.

10 and a half mine started walking to the corner shop and back
11 she started walking back from school by herself sometimes. (20 minute walk. That one was along a busy road).

It’s always a shock to me to read about what NT children are able to do as a mum of 3 autistic kids.

Such a sad world we live in. I'm 59 now and used to go out to play all day sun up to sunset. Everybody did it.

Even with a pool at 9 he should know not to go near it and I assume you have safety features in place to stop your children going near it/being able to access it.

My 11 year old has been walking to and from
school by himself/with his friends since the Start of the school year. He’s allowed to stay at home alone for an hour or so during the day if I need to pop to the shops or walk the dog, and he walks to the shop to pick up milk/bread/sugar etc for us sometimes and to buy sweets with his pocket money. He wants to go to the cinema just with his friends while me or my husband drop him off and pick him up, which I’d be fine with if the other mums were but not all of them are. He’s also used the local village bus a few times to get to school on rainy days, but it’s not like using a bus in a city or big town. And he walks himself to his friends houses that live nearby now, and sometimes they’ll go out together to the park or the little
supermarket in the high street. So I think he has a quite a lot of independence, maybe a little more compared to a lot of his friends, which I think is a bit of a shame.

The sad world in this context is basically cars. That is the only threat to children playing out that has dramatically changed in the last 50 years

It really is an "it depends" question.

Partly on where you live, and partly on the personality of your child.

But we did as you seem to be doing - build it up gradually. Encouraging them to speak to other people from a young age (eg ordering from the person behind the counter themselves, but when you are standing by them) then letting them go in the shop themselves whilst you are outside, etc.
Some of it has to be a bit to do with the school year they are in too - as a 9 yr old with a Summer birthday is still going off to secondary school by themselves in a little over a year's time, whereas a 9 yr old who has had their birthday this school year, still has 2 years to go.