Any advice for happy intergenerational living?

[Thedogscollar]

Hi, as you can tell by my title I'm looking for advice on precisely this.
My son, dil and grandson age nearly 5 are moving in with us so they can save money towards getting a house of their own. They were in rented accommodation but it was over £1k a month with another increase pending before any bills.
We all get on well but I realise living with each other is a different thing completely. I already do a lot of childcare, pick ups from school which will be even further away and I have said about looking at transfers to more local schools. We are also possibly looking at an ASD diagnosis as gc on reduced timetable due to problems at school which presented within a week of him starting last Sept, EHCP referral is ongoing.
My son and dil both work I'm recently retired but husband still working.
Has anybody got advice how to deal with any problems that might come up. Oh and I nearly forgot their dog is coming too, a spaniel puppy very cute but very active. I've never had a dog so don't really know what to expect.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

@damekindness
I'm glad to hear it worked out OK for you. As you say there were bumps along the way but this is such an opportunity to help out when they need it, then off they go to get on with their lives.

Wow, they have a very sweet deal at your expense.

Im moving home after living abroad for 15 years, and my parents are allowing us to live with them for up to 2 years as we finalise our house sale here, start our new jobs, and qualify for a mortgage in our home country.

My parents’ property is HUGE and they will live in one of the separate dwellings, we will take the main house. We expect no childcare for our 3 DC aged 8, 4, and 2 unless they offer for us to go out for an evening. All DC will be in nursery/before and after school care.

We have no pets.

We will pay all bills plus a small amount of rent.

It’s incredibly generous and I’m really thankful for them. Hopefully we’ll be out and living in our own place within the first year.

You have your eyes open, but it will be hard as everyone points out. SiL has moved in with PiL a few times over the summer when doing house renovations, SiL thinks all went well but MiL always complains behind her back.
But before anyone moves in, have a ground rules meeting with your son and wife. He'll fall into "being at home" and expect you to be in charge. DiL will resent you being in charge. Have the hard conversations before they arrive.

How lovely for you that you also have kind parents that have stepped in when you and your family have needed a helping hand.
Unfortunately I don't have a huge house that I can offer them and go and live in a separate dwelling. That must be so lovely that your parents are offering your family their main house.
My son and dil won't totally be living at my expense. They are going to pay rent towards utility bills. They will be buying their own food toiletries etc. You sound like you are in a very good position with jobs etc and already owning a home you are in the process of selling.
Our circumstances are vastly different to yours. I wish you well in your relocation.

Set your boundaries early on. Tell them what you will and won’t do. You have offered a roof over their head, that doesn’t mean you are free, permanent childcare, they need to organise that. Have a rota for cooking and cleaning. Have a set of house rules everyone agrees with.

Make your DIL your partner in crime. Side with her even when you don’t want to. She will feel ganged up on if you don’t. Ask her what she needs and how things can be arranged to help her. Maintaining your relationship with her is really important.

This is kind of different but my dad and step mum lived with us for 6 months a couple of years ago. They were out most of the day but we would eat dinner together Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. It was good for us to have set time together and set time where they were out the house. SM is a wonderful house guest but my dad sometimes not so much, so having a schedule really helped us. Also put him to work a few days a week cooking and doing a bit of babysitting. It honestly made us closer but it really could have gone the other way so I suggest you have rule and boundaries.

Obviously it’s a bit different though but that’s my two cents. We actually had a blast and I would 100% let him live with us again.

@BoredZelda "Make your DIL your partner in crime. Side with her even when you don’t want to. She will feel ganged up on if you don’t. Ask her what she needs and how things can be arranged to help her. Maintaining your relationship with her is really important."

So the woman who actually owns the house and will be subsidising this pair (along with free child and dog care) should keep her bloody mouth shut about anything and everything? What if she feels ganged up on, or doesn't that count because she isn't young any more? I think the OP is going above and beyond to help, without having to prostrate herself at her DIL's feet and ask if she can do even more.

Good luck op, you sound like a lovely mum and nan, just make sure you don't get put upon.

@Thedogscollar Why isn't DIL working full time if their son is now school age? Is she increasing her hours so they can save faster? You are already giving them financial benefit by letting them live with you, why are you giving them additional money? Can you afford to just give them the "gift" and not have them move in so they can apply for a 100% first time buyer mortgage?

@popsicleyes we are two adults a child and a dog. My parents have a 3 bed bungalow. My siblings both have partners and two children each (one has a dog).

Agreed it is a mental decision!

We had friends and their toddler stay with us for an extended time. We sat down and had proper meetings to work out how it would work. We even kept minutes. We did our minutes almost tongue in cheek but it meant we all had to really think about what we could do to make sure the arrangement worked.
We were honest with each other and it worked really well and we are still friends.

DH, DS and I lived with my parents for years on and off. I would live with them now if I could 😂. They did a little bit of childcare for us but we would never expect it. Honestly just open communication, we respected their boundaries, if they asked us to do something we made sure we did it. We bought all the food for the house as they never charged us rent, but my DSM did most of the cooking as that’s what she likes. We had a cleaning schedule between she and I, as both DF and DH worked full time and we didn’t and we always stuck to it. We made sure we never had disagreements in front of them because we didn’t want anybody to feel like they were forced to pick a side which I think massively helped. Their house is a bit bigger than yours so there was a couple of reception rooms so we weren’t together all of the time, we could spend evenings separately. Weekends away were a bit of a saving grace.

There is no way I would do this. I would also question slightly their ability to assess the situation appropriately/realistically. I assume unless their financial or housing situation has drastically changed that they have managed to live this way for some time, chosen to have a child AND a puppy (which seams mad honestly), whilst potentially underestimating the financial impact?

Could they not rent somewhere cheaper for say 5 years, save more slowly and everybody maintains their independent living spaces? A three bed with 1 bathroom, 4 adults, a child and a puppy sounds very intense.

It's commendable that you want to do this for them, which is lovely, however from your OP it sounds like you're already maybe rightly anxious about it.

My daughter, SIL and granddaughter lived with us for 18months, again due to expenses of renting. We were fortunate to have enough space, they had our conservatory as their living room, two bedrooms, and we shared one bathroom, one kitchen and we have an outside loo.
I'm not going to say it was always easy, for any of us, but we talked about issues that bothered us, kept our sense of humour, and I was privileged to spend that time with my granddaughter (from 14months to 2&1/2)
I did a lot of childcare, as her parents both worked, and it was hard, but very rewarding.
If you have a good relationship, and if you all feel able to raise any issues that arise, from my experience, I would say go for it, but be prepared for a lot of give and take

Are you definitely committed? You would be so much better getting a lodger and sending them the money to save instead 😁 the lodger will have to follow your rules and might spend a lot of time out seeing friends and family etc.
I'm saying this as someone who lives an a3 gen household with separate kitchens bathrooms and living rooms 😆

Please read up on puppies. OP you'll be landed. Puppies are extremely hard work. If they are both working, who looks after the dog? It's beyond cruel to crate them all day.

Does not sound ideal .
You will be on tap if you do not set boundaries

1k is 500 eaach so not huge? They could rent a smaller place cheaper and spend some weekends with you for the gardn

I think it is possible to make this work but it will be hard. I would give them a year. That may not seem much but they could save a lot in that time if they put their minds to it and it will feel like a long year to you.

If everything goes swimmingly who knows, you might feel up to letting them stay but you need to give them a hard deadline and look like you mean it. I’m sorry but it wasn’t very responsible of them to get a dog with all the work and expense that entails. I think they are being fanciful about their finances and you could get caught up in that.

putting my baby to sleep Op just wanted to say how lovely you are! Your son and daughter in law are so lucky and your grandson and grand-dog are going to be just as lovely with your influence xx

Oh that's such a lovely message. You've really made my night. I've been in all day clearing out and cleaning, prepping for them moving in next month.
Some of the comments have been on my mind all day some very valid points have been raised. We will be discussing everything before they move in so we all know where we stand.
Thankyou so much though for taking time out of your busy schedule to leave that lovely comment. Time for you to put your feet up after settling your baby.

The thing to do is set boundaries from the beginning. My son and his 2 children are with me, saving for a house deposit after his last relationship broke down. It is MY house but HIS children, so what I say goes when it comes to the house and what he says goes when it comes to the kids. They also brought their dog with him, and they are responsible for feeding and walking the dog, although I am doing a lot of the grooming at present as she's having a spring moult so needs a lot of brushing to keep the dog hairs at bay.
We share chores (if I cook, they do the dishes and vice versa) and I insist on some quiet time each evening - the kids spend the last hour before bedtime in their room, reading or playing games so that I can chill in the lounge.
It's honestly not difficult to get into an amicable pattern, as long as everyone treats each other with respect.

Thankyou @Jaybail yes I think boundaries will need to be set from day 1. Thankyou for sharing your experience though and I'm glad it's working out for you all.
You just do your best for your family don't you and it won't be forever.

You say you have no experience with puppies or dogs. I would read up on spaniels. They are a particularly energetic breed who need LOTS of exercise and training. I would share cooking as two people in one kitchen preparing two meals would be a complete pain. Do a shop together and have a rota for cooking and meal plan for the week. Make sure one of them poo picks the garden daily if your grandson is going to be playing out there. And I wish you good luck, it will be awkward at times but if you retain a sense of humour you can get through it.