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Original poster

Any advice for happy intergenerational living?

107 replies

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 21:29

Hi, as you can tell by my title I'm looking for advice on precisely this.
My son, dil and grandson age nearly 5 are moving in with us so they can save money towards getting a house of their own. They were in rented accommodation but it was over £1k a month with another increase pending before any bills.
We all get on well but I realise living with each other is a different thing completely. I already do a lot of childcare, pick ups from school which will be even further away and I have said about looking at transfers to more local schools. We are also possibly looking at an ASD diagnosis as gc on reduced timetable due to problems at school which presented within a week of him starting last Sept, EHCP referral is ongoing.
My son and dil both work I'm recently retired but husband still working.
Has anybody got advice how to deal with any problems that might come up. Oh and I nearly forgot their dog is coming too, a spaniel puppy very cute but very active. I've never had a dog so don't really know what to expect.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 21:57

Anyone???

OP posts:

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 28/04/2026 22:00

Will you have your own living space such as living rooms? How will you share the cooking and the cleaning etc? What about bathrooms? This is where conflicts tend to happen?

Holesintheground · 28/04/2026 22:05

Are you absolutely sure about this? It asks a lot of you. And your grandson has done only one year at school but will now be moving. Is there a projected time length for you all to live together?

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Smittenkitchen · 28/04/2026 22:05

I'd try to make sure you've got open dialogue to discuss any issues as they come up to try to avoid resentment building. Try to work towards compromises and mutual understanding and frame discussions in a positive way of opposed to an accusatory tone. It's probably a good idea to agree to things like how chores might be shared so everyone's on the same page. Remember that although it is your home, it will also become theirs as soon as they move in, that's a significant shift compared to the dynamic when they were just visiting. Best of luck!

mynameiscalypso · 28/04/2026 22:09

Space is really key here - there’s a big difference between a 2 bed flat with an open plan living area and no garden vs. a 4 bed house with big garden and several reception rooms with doors. If you haven’t already, I’d definitely be getting a cleaner and splitting the cost.

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:10

Hi thankyou for replying.
We live in a 3 bedroomed house, so not huge. No separate lounge. They will buy there own food and cook it. I suggested a rota of cleaning bathroom, only 1 and downstairs loo.
It's gonna be a tight squeeze but we just want to help them out. It's family and they just need a little help.
I would want to see that they are infact saving but don't want it to come across as being too meddling.

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pinkyredrose · 28/04/2026 22:15

Why on earth did they get a puppy!! You know it'll be you picking up shit and piss in the house and trying to stop it chewing everything to bits.

How long are they proposing to stay with you?

I think it'll be awful, if they sort thier own kid and puppy out it might work but they both work so who's going to do it? You that's who.

They may take advantage if living with you as the default dog/babysitter.

I wouldn't do it or if I did it would have to be without the puppy.

mynameiscalypso · 28/04/2026 22:17

Do you have a time limit on it? ‘Saving for a deposit’ could mean anything from a couple of months to a couple of years.

pizzaHeart · 28/04/2026 22:19

I think it depends a lot on how much space people have and on their personalities. My sister lived with our parents for a bit with her DH and baby and it ended in complete disaster but the space was very very limited. DH’s sisters both lived with MIL at some point of their lives and it went much better as there was more space. Also MIL was better in keeping a bit of a distance.
I would think about expectations and practicalities. Look at yours and theirs routines now and think where you do things very differently. Then think if compromise is possible or not. If not how to avoid clashes.
One of the main problem for my sister was noise. Her baby was a very bad sleeper whereas our dad liked watching TV very loudly until very late. Dad was diagnosed with hearing loss later but no one realised it back then.
I would make a clear timeframe, you don’t want them to live with you forever, believe me. I would check carefully with your DH, what are his red lines? Also do they have plans for another baby?

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:19

To answer a few questions.
Projected time scale is 12 to 18 months to save enough money. We plan to gift them some money also when they have saved enough for a deposit.
Yes an open dialogue is so important. I did think of a weekly or monthly chat with everyone where we can iron out any problems.
We have a big garden for gc and lovely walks around village with the dog. As said previously I've just retired so don't really want to end up doing loads of childcare and dog care. Son works FT dil works PT.

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Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:28

@pinkyredroseI completely agree re the puppy just a mad idea but he's here now.
Yes I think I'll be saying he's their dog not mine. Was planning to keep dog in kitchen during the day unless out walking.
The dog is still in a crate I've no idea when they stop that and just sleep in a bed. I'm clueless re dogs.

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Holesintheground · 28/04/2026 22:30

That 12-18 months though is to save for a deposit so it's then going to be another 12 months realistically while they find a property, complete the purchase and move in.

Can you put some weekends away in to give you all a break from one another? Maybe once a month alternate between you and your husband going away somewhere, and then them visiting friends or staying with your DIL's family one weekend the next month?

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:31

@pizzaHeartNo plans for another baby as yet, dil training/apprenticeship

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Popiscle · 28/04/2026 22:32

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:28

You can't lock a dog in a kitchen during the day. The poor thing will go nuts and you will need to give it toilet breaks. Nor can it be crated all the time. It needs to be among the family. It needs walks. You may find you enjoy that in retirement. Usually puppies are toilet trained reliably at night by 16 weeks, so that's a good time to think of when they are likely to sleep on a human bed.

Good luck OP. I hope it works out well for you. Just remember it's your house.

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:34

@Holesintheground
Yes realistically we're looking at 2 years, I can see that. Re weekends away, most definitely doing that which was part of retiral plans but will be more needed than ever now.

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pinkyredrose · 28/04/2026 22:35

Yes I think I'll be saying he's their dog not mine.

That won't matter when the puppy is destroying things and shitting in the house.
If they're not there you're going to have to deal with it.

I'd honestly say the dog can't come. Spaniels are notoriously crazy at the best of times!
They need to get thier own place and then get a puppy.

What hour's does Dil work?

Tryingtobenormal124 · 28/04/2026 22:36

Dont get involved in their arguments, or childcare disputes. Walk away. Try to live by their childcare rules and let them get on with it. Do enjoy more time with them cuddles with gs. And all of the other comments 😍

pinkyredrose · 28/04/2026 22:37

I've just retired so don't really want to end up doing loads of childcare and dog care.

You will be.

northstars · 28/04/2026 22:40

”free childcare” and “free animal care” were the first things I thought when I saw that your son and DIL work and you are recently retired. I wish you all the best - it may be useful to have some honest conversations and clear boundaries before they move in about everyone’s roles and responsibilities.

BreakingBroken · 28/04/2026 22:40

i know a couple families that do this but have massive sprawling estates, i'm a firm believer that physical space is necessary.

pinkyredrose · 28/04/2026 22:42

Was planning to keep dog in kitchen during the day

That would be very cruel.

I'm clueless re dogs.

You don't say!

This has got disaster written all over it. Why don't they go on the council list?

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:43

@PopiscleSorry I wasn't clear. I spend most of the day in my kitchen when I'm home and I meant the dog would be with me when I'm home in the kitchen. When I'm home I'm more than happy to take him for a walk and he will be more than welcome to sit in the lounge with us in the evening.
Thankyou for your info re dog beds.
As much as I want then to feel welcome I have to remember it is my house.

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pinkyredrose · 28/04/2026 22:43

Op did they ask to move in after they knew you were retiring?

Popiscle · 28/04/2026 22:49

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:43

I have a dog with a fair amount of spaniel in him. Realistically he'll be in the kitchen looking at you with a hopeful face. In between, he's likely to be sleeping on the furniture, barking at passers by on the street if he has a view (obviously you'll need to address that), needing to be let in and out regularly (even when you've just sat down for quiet tea), needing walks, needing feeding, then there are vets/groomers appointments, puppy training and socialisation, toilet training time is intense.

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 28/04/2026 22:54

@pinkyredroseThanks for your input, yes I am clueless re dogs as I've never had one but I can learn and we plan to do dog classes held in the village hall.
My dil works 2 days a week.
Re council list you are literally on it for years. In the area I live in it is very very difficult to get a council house.
@northstarsyes a conversation re boundaries and roles will be held. Thankyou.

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