Any advice for happy intergenerational living?

[Thedogscollar]

Hi, as you can tell by my title I'm looking for advice on precisely this.
My son, dil and grandson age nearly 5 are moving in with us so they can save money towards getting a house of their own. They were in rented accommodation but it was over £1k a month with another increase pending before any bills.
We all get on well but I realise living with each other is a different thing completely. I already do a lot of childcare, pick ups from school which will be even further away and I have said about looking at transfers to more local schools. We are also possibly looking at an ASD diagnosis as gc on reduced timetable due to problems at school which presented within a week of him starting last Sept, EHCP referral is ongoing.
My son and dil both work I'm recently retired but husband still working.
Has anybody got advice how to deal with any problems that might come up. Oh and I nearly forgot their dog is coming too, a spaniel puppy very cute but very active. I've never had a dog so don't really know what to expect.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

You’re going to be very crowded.

I would re-think the ‘own food & cooking’ - that means two time slots for the kitchen each evening, & frankly, they’ll very quickly end up with dibs on who gets it when, because they’ve got a small dc with additional needs who will need feeding. You’ll end up fitting in with them to sort out your own dinner. & then there’s the cleaning up - either waiting for it to be done, or trying to cook amidst someone else’s dirty washing up.

I would just dish up dinner for everyone & ask for a contribution to costs & that someone else did the washing up, personally, or would be happy to swap over so a couple of times a week they cooked.

But attempting to ‘timeshare’ kitchen facilities in a small house doesn’t work unless everyone is under 21 & mostly subsisting on Pot Noodles.

You also need to think about the living spaces: are they in their room every evening so you have your living room? Or are you all watching tv etc together? Where is dgc sleeping? Have your ds & dil got a space to retreat to?

How do you propose to monitor if they’re saving or not? They’re adults - you can’t check their piggy banks! Another source of potential conflict every time they order a pizza or one of them comes home wearing a new shirt…

It sounds challenging all round. I would definitely make it a fixed period arrangement - they move in for x length of time because they have calculated they can save y amount of money which will be enough for a deposit - if there isn’t a realistic forecast with an exit strategy, it’s not a plan.

Finally…statistically, there’s a probably better than evens chance they split up. Then ds is even less likely to be able to afford his own place, & you’ll be housing him permanently, with dgc part time.

Sorry to be the voice of doom, & I get you want to help out, but this should be the absolute last resort option - it’s really not going to be fun for anyone.

…oh & the dog is now going to 100% end up being YOUR dog, so you need to do some fast thinking about whether you’re up for that. If not, they will have to try to re-home it (& WTF were they thinking getting a puppy right now?!).

Do you think they are realistically capable of saving up that much in that time frame?

Getting a puppy shortly before moving in with parents seems … I don’t know? Impulsive? Thoughtless? Irresponsible? It seems crazy to take on the financial burden of a pet in these circumstances.

It’s important to go into this with realistic expectations. It won’t be good for anyone if you’re gritting your teeth at their spending habits. Different generations can have different expectations of what saving up looks like.

What happens when they've saved a few thousand and then puppy needs vet that costs hundreds or thousands? Vet costs mount up quickly. It could really hinder their ability to save.

Puppy things that hit us with puppies early on - bad bout of gastro requiring admission overnight. Impacted teeth requiring dental surgery.

Even the cost of routine dentals is pretty high.

We have vet insurance but that doesn't come cheap either.

My friend did this, moved in with her parents with husband and child around age 5. Also small 3 bedrooms. I don't know what was discussed re chores but her mum and dad were very clear they would not be baby sitting and had to plan accordingly so not both out at same time. Parents also said not to get pregnant either. It was about 3 years in the end with saving deposit/ buying process. Also my friend wasn't allowed any friends over. As in I would visit my friend in their rental but couldn't visit when they had moved in with Parents

I really hope it works out Op, you obviously want to help them. There's just such a lot to consider.

They could still go on the council list while they're saving, nothing to stop them doing both.

When are they meant to be moving in?

Getting a puppy seems a bit mad when they should be saving.
How much is DIL earning as an apprentice?

Dogs are expensive, unless you don’t bother to spend the money learning to train them…….. they need weekly lessons for a couple of years at least, if they are to be pleasant to be around, unless experienced dog owners…….

I know your heart is in the right place but this is going to be hell

Mum and dad moved in with us. It was a planned move, we bought a huge house, they lived downstairs - they got two bedrooms, ensuite, family bathroom was downstairs, their own living room. We had 3 bedrooms, own bathroom, own sitting room, we all just shared the kitchen/diner and family bathroom ( the only bath )

Even though they were independent, it came to pass that it was easier that I did the cooking , otherwise it would be 9pm before me and DH sat and ate, after they had cooked and cleaned up - or I ended up having to clean up after them so we could eat. It also came to pass that it was me that did all the cleaning of shared areas and whilst we split the bills for the utilities, ours doubled as now we had two people at home all day with the heating on 24/7 in a bloody big house

Now we were lucky that we had separate living areas as it meant we still could have some sort of social life - how are you going to manage having friends over?

I also know that when we have the grandchildren over to stay over the holidays , the tv when it goes on is on kiddie channels or YouTube

20 years to the day we finally got our house to ourselves and I have to say I resent those 20 years wasted living old peoples lives. Even with separate living areas, we still had to be considerate , keep the music down, not rolling in at 3am , not being able to walk about as we wished, spontanious displays of affection

And the worse, not being able to have a row. Seriously one day we drove to a car park to have a good old screaming session ( we never take each other seriously and sometimes we wind each other up so much that a good yelling session is required )

The total lack of privacy

@CorvusPurpureusYou make some very good points which I'm going to bring up with them.
They don't really watch TV they are on their phones or laptop. They will all have their own bedrooms.

@pinkyredroseThey are moving in next month. All the replies are definitely food for thought and thankyou to everyone who has replied. I'm making a list of things to discuss with them this weekend.
I never thought this was going to be easy and I will stand my ground re dog and child care. I'm sure they want their privacy too as I do so hopefully that will make them save well with an end plan in sight.

If the DIL is only working 2 days a week in a training role she must be earning practically nothing. Surely it makes more sense to rent and get some universal credit to top up income at the moment and think about buying in a few years when she’s earning proper money. Unless your son earns a lot the utopia of a mortgage doesn’t make much sense when they can get help if they rent but not if they buy. It all sounds a nightmare in such a small house. I’m bad at biting my tongue I couldn’t do it. Good luck but I don’t think it’s a good idea. The puppy is so ridiculous too especially when their child needs a lot of attention. Don’t be a martyr and miss out on having a lovely first few years of retirement. How can you have friends round for lunch and a chat in the garden all summer with DIL there and grandchild and puppy charging round the place and spoiling the peace. I’d say back out now

By default you will become main carer for the dog as you will be the one there all the time. If you are not prepared to do that I would say now that the dog needs to be (properly and ethically) rehomed. You might totally fall in love with it and become a dog person but if you don’t it will become a huge source of resentment, you also need to set boundaries around childcare and not allow assumptions to be made just because you are around.

Have you had a conversation about what happens if the arrangement doesn’t work out for you? A really tough one I know but you need to know that there is a way out if necessary.

This sounds very very difficult and unless you are extremely careful you are going to end up default childcare and dogwatcher. Honestly I would encourage you towards hobbies that take you out of the house, not to chase you out but to keep you sane and prevent you being massively taken for granted.

If your DIL only works 2 days a week you shouldn't be on the hook for more than 2 days' worth of pickups. Obviously if she could increase her hours that would help them save up faster, but maybe that's difficult with DGC's needs. There will be a lot of hours to get on each others' nerves if she is only working 2 days pw.

Think about how you can use the whole of the house all day. TVs in adults' bedrooms make a lot of sense so you are not fighting over the remote. Think of bedrooms as daytime private bolt holes as well as sleeping quarters. A timetable for bathrooms and kitchen might be worthwhile - maybe the younger adults could eat early with DS. I've not had to share cooking facilities with an adult child but I think I would revert to our old house share rules - everyone has their own stuff, and anyone cooking takes priority over anyone washing up if there is not space for you both. When you have finished cooking & eating it's acceptable to leave your crockery in one tidy pile by the sink until you deal with it, eg to keep out of the way while someone else cooks or if you have somewhere else to be, but try not to leave it overnight if you can help it.

As a general principle the fastest way to drive each other mad is if you are relying on them to do a thing before you can do your thing, so try to avoid this. For example if it's your son's job to empty the DW every morning and he doesn't, that will drive you mad all day because it stops you being able to stack things into it. So don't make it his job unless he will reliably do it. Similarly I would have set halves of the week for laundry or something, to minimise the potential frustrations of someone having clean washing still in the machine, or dry stuff filling the airer etc, when someone else wants to use it. Similarly using separate kitchen stuff prevents the annoyance of you not being able to use your frying pan because your son hasn't washed it up yet. Try to minimise "crossing points".

How very kind of you to do this for your son, but be very careful.

I was going to say this.

I would also put a hard deadline on the time they are due to stay e.g. they need to move out in maximum 2 years time.

Definitely get a cleaner, although you will still need to clean up behind yourselves.

I think it sounds wonderful. A precious chance to have time with your son and grandson- a moment which will never happen again, and which will have its challenges, but could also be such an opportunity to reconnect and become close in a new way.

(I would try to have those meetings where everyone gets to vent- there are sure to be issues and annoyances.)

I agree that you’re really going to have to hold your boundaries with regard to childcare and the dog. Perhaps start some activities (volunteering/hobbies) that keep you out of the house at least a couple of days a week (not necessary all day, but enough time that you’re not available for care).

It could be lovely but I think you’ll end up doing far more than you anticipate. How are you splitting bills? Your utility bills will increase a lot.

This is a really bad idea. Are you really going to be happy for your DIL to be around the house on her days off? Add a puppy and a small child and it's going to be chaos.

Unless there is a savings plan and move out day set in stone I wouldn't attempt this at all. Your house is too small for so many people. I say this as someone who lived with their in laws for years, the only way this works is if you can stay out of each other's way when necessary.

No to the puppy moving in
No to cooking two separate meals, that’s loads of storage space needed and double fuel cooking bills. Are you in a water meter?
How much can they save per month? Plus she only does 2 days a week so needs more hours

People that need to save money and then buy a puppy, it was probably at least 1k unless a rescue are fiscally incompetent.

Multi generational living can work but this has disaster written all over it.

Whose idea was it?
Is your DH actually on board ?

I don't think the puppy is a good idea.

You need a space you (any of you) can get away from the others.

My aunt and two cousins stayed with us for a few months when I was 11. I was sharing not just a room but a bed with the girl cousin. I was once found in the back of my dad's car doing my homework because it was quiet.

If you can't have physical space then some other form of space, maybe a cinema trip once a week or a long walk in the park.

Set rules and stick to them.

Your GS will be awake early mornings, it should be one or both of his parents getting up to make him breakfast not you.

I agree with the planning of when to move out. They should be able to save that £1000 a month they are not spending on rent. That's £12000 + interest in a year.

If you are feeding them and not charging 'board' then they can save more

Several things strike me as problematic. Dgs on a reduced timetable, dd working only two days. Will she try to increase her hours and use you as free childcare? It’s hard to refuse when dgc are involved.

How do dgs’s challenges manifest themselves? Does he have behavioural difficulties such as meltdowns? Have you and ddil discussed how to make sure your approaches are consistent with each other?

Same with puppy, without wanting to sound flippant. It needs consistency, socialising and adjusting to a new environment.

Disagreements over central heating timer, thermostat. Rapidly rising fuel bills and how to divide them.

Two years of sharing fridge, kitchen, washing-machine, etc. It nearly drove me crazy as I had settled into a relaxing retirement, and DD had developed her own way of doing things, and we were on completely different pages by the time she moved back with gamer DP, toddler, baby. Temporarily, and a flooding emergency. I’d never have said no, but it pushed me to the limit.

And how does your DH feel about this?

The fact that despite knowing they needed to save and that they would be moving in with you, they went and brought a puppy anyway suggests a very irresponsible and adolescent take on life

but as it's happening anyway, boundaries boundaries boundaries. Put everything doen on paper and give a time limit. I know you worried about being over bearing but honestly they're moving into your house having already made some questionable choices, I'd be overbearing aand if they don't like it will then they have a choice

Don’t do it. Them getting a puppy when this must have been in the wind is a huge red flag and shows upfront their disrespect.

I’ve said this on MN before and people hate it- I was a conveyancer who assisted 1000s of people buy their own home. I can count on 1 hand the number of first time buyers I acted for who went from “living with mum and dad to save money for a deposit” to actually buying a home. It almost never happens and you will end up being miserable in your own home or being a big meanie who has to kick out your family.

Sit everyone down and have an honest conversation about how bills are split and chores completed. If the feedback is we will figure it out as we go along - stop that dead.

There will be 4 adults and a child and dog. There are certain non negotiable along the lines of cooking and cleaning and washing and laundry as well as childcare that as the retired person you are not doing solo.

make a plan with them before they move in and then every month have a family dinner and discuss what works what does not.

Communication is key and a timeline to move out.

I would tell them they need to organise doggy day care on the days your DIL is working, particularly if you’re doing childcare on those days. Getting a puppy in their circumstances was madness and it’s tricky to balance the needs of a young child and a puppy and you shouldn’t have to.
What do they do currently with the puppy when DIL is at work ? If the answer is crate it for 8 hours, I would tell them that’s unacceptable and either they get proper care or they can’t bring the dog - it’s a puppy so should find a new home through a rescue easily enough, better now than when it’s older and undesirable through poor/no training.

If I were in your shoes I’d rather go back to work for an extra year myself and gift them my wages than have them move in with me.

If I had the money, i’d rather help them out than have them staying for 18 months. It could sour the relationship forever. I guess from their point of view, they are the parents and i’d avoid criticising any parenting. From yours, they need to pull their weight and not put too much on you. Set your boundaries early, and don’t become default childcare. Can DIL up her hours, and use wrap around care some days. Now her child is in school.