Any advice for happy intergenerational living?

[Thedogscollar]

Hi, as you can tell by my title I'm looking for advice on precisely this.
My son, dil and grandson age nearly 5 are moving in with us so they can save money towards getting a house of their own. They were in rented accommodation but it was over £1k a month with another increase pending before any bills.
We all get on well but I realise living with each other is a different thing completely. I already do a lot of childcare, pick ups from school which will be even further away and I have said about looking at transfers to more local schools. We are also possibly looking at an ASD diagnosis as gc on reduced timetable due to problems at school which presented within a week of him starting last Sept, EHCP referral is ongoing.
My son and dil both work I'm recently retired but husband still working.
Has anybody got advice how to deal with any problems that might come up. Oh and I nearly forgot their dog is coming too, a spaniel puppy very cute but very active. I've never had a dog so don't really know what to expect.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Sounds awful. Good luck, you’ll need it!

I think this has disaster written all over it, and that most of the effort, stress etc will be yours, OP. Bluntly, I would prefer my adult child struggled to save for a deposit (why isn’t DIL working FT if they’re trying to save? Why buy a puppy if they’re trying to save?) than put myself through this.

Agreed.

By the time they move out you’ll want to keep the dog - it will bond with you as the person at home all the time lol.

The fact they have just got a puppy despite a) trying to save; and b) being about to move in with you, shows both a lack of commitment to saving and a lack of consideration to you and your husband. Not a great start!

Even having an adult child move in is an adjustment. An adult child + their partner and child + a dog is a whole new level.

Sharing a kitchen will be particularly tricky I think - if you can’t cook until they have cooked and cleaned up, and/or end up doing their cleaning up so that you can actually cook your dinner, resentment will soon set in

OP has said that dgs is on a reduced timetable, so this is probably why the ddil is part-time.

pick ups from school which will be even further away and I have said about looking at transfers to more local schools. We are also possibly looking at an ASD diagnosis as gc on reduced timetable due to problems at school which presented within a week of him starting last Sept, EHCP referral is ongoing.

May be hard to move schools during the EHCP process.

You’re probably right, but if anything that adds to the OP’s problems, with two extra people, one of them a child with possible ASD, as well as a very ‘active’ puppy, around during the daytime in her comparatively small house, doing school runs for a child who can’t move from a distant school because of the ECHP process etc..

We moved back in with my parents for 4 months when we relocated back to our home country and were waiting on our house being built. It was great. Loved spending time with my parents. They were both retired so we were out of the house mon-fri working at school and parents made us dinner every day. I usually did a big online shop and did breakfasts/ lunches for us. After we left they had both my siblings (separately) and their families move in for similar periods whilst they had building work done.

Is their house bigger than OP's? Did you have children and a puppy? Four months might be okay but this is going to be a lot longer if they are saving a whole deposit.

You are so kind, Op, and optimistic

Stick to honest feedback and discusssion once a month.
Don't be losing out financially with the bills.
Plan some meals together. It could be chaotic with two sittings for every meal, every day.
Time slot for washing machine.
Have calendar for child care, as you don't want to be, all of a sudden, without warning, the main child carer.

Be tolerant of tantrums. Make a santuary of relaxation in your own bedroom so you can withdraw for sanity, if need be - that goes for all of you.

So lovely that you have a beautiful garden.

You have one bathroom and one kitchen between 4 adults and a ND DC. You’ll need a very strict timetable to make this work.

For example, if your DH usually showers at 7:30am before work everyday, then your son and DIL either need to shower the night before, or both be up and showered before 7:30am so your DH can get in, or recognise that they won’t be able to use the bathroom until your DH is finished (which may be too late if they work and commute and the school run is a long way).

Your DGS (& others) may need to brush his teeth in the downstairs loo in the morning, so you’ll need toothbrushes and paste in there, because you won’t be able to get in the bathroom to retrieve them.

If DGS and others are going to be using the bathroom in the evenings, you might want to put a time limit on that, depending on how loud the shower/extractor fan is. For example, if showering at 11pm is keeping the person/people in bed awake, then you may have to agree a “latest time” for showers at night.

Similarly with the kitchen. If you’re honestly planning on cooking two dinners every night, then you’ll need time slots. If you usually eat dinner at 7pm, do they need to have eaten and cleaned up before you start cooking at 6/6:30pm (possibly difficult, but a child-friendly time for them to eat), or do they eat after you’ve finished and have a late dinner (possibly fits in with working hours, but not a child friendly time).

You’re suggesting trying to live essentially separate lives (you & your DH Vs your DS, DIL & DGS) but every thing you do in the house will have an impact on the other “team”. It’s not undoable, but it is tricky and resentment will quickly kick in over “small” things, like the knock-on effect of someone being in the bathroom for 10mins more than the rota dictates, or a meal taking longer to cook which means other eating really late.

Throw in a puppy and a small child and that’s not a very relaxing way to live for two years.

It's the little things. Like when you go to make your dinner and they've used your favourite pot or a utensil is a mess in the sink. Or when your shower routine is disrupted. Or they pop out and ask you to watch the kid for a bit, and it starts happening a bit more often. Or the eggs in the fridge run out but no-one bothered telling you they were taking the last one. Or you want to put a load of washing on but the machine is already on.

Could you help with a deposit instead? Sounds extreme perhaps but would be best for both parties I think? Or even subsidise their rent so they can save. But all of you and a puppy in 3 bed house sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sorry if that’s a bit blunt.

Completely agree.

It:s also worth reflecting that DGS being on a reduced timetable means he is not coping with school. Not coping.

It's asking an awful lot for him to cope with this big change on top.

In your DS's position I would be keen to secure a mortgage while they are both holding down jobs, so I can imagine this feeling necessary, but if DGS stops being able to manage school then either they need FT childcare (you?!) or one of them stops working. It's a precarious time to commit to a mortgage especially if they need both salaries coming in to pay for it.

I don't know anything about them but would the family backed mortgages being advertised be any help? Or they could look at shared ownership which would give the security of a mortgage without so much deposit needed.

You sound so, so kind.

My family lived with my grandmother for a couple of years and my parents ended up divorcing - not blaming her exactly, but she admitted later that she wasn't always the most helpful. And we had far more space (but my brother and I were teenagers so that was a different scenario).

I think the puppy is a massive red flag that they aren't focussing properly and that you will be tied down to a puppy and a child with additional needs far more than you are thinking right now. Getting a puppy just now is genuinely the stupidest thing I've heard so far today. And a spaniel at that. The mind boggles.

Cooking two separate meals every night is a bad idea. You should take turns - either one week on and one week off (so you and your son take turns providing the main meal, the other person takes charge of cleaning the bathrooms and other spaces that week) or maybe a more complicated rota around working schedules. But you shouldn't both be trying to cook and wash up in what sounds like not the largest space. Really problematic to have 1 living space as well so I'd prioritise setting up the bedrooms as lounges as far as possible - you want to keep your GS's toys in his room, maybe get a telly each. You'll want to think carefully around expectations of noise and timings and babysitting - they will be super likely to just 'pop out' as they know you are right there.

I really, really think this is a terrible setup and you should consider helping them financially instead.

Good Morning everyone and thankyou so much for all your advice.
I must admit I've shed a tear reading them and going over in my head what this could potentially lead to.
I've made a list of everything and I mean everything dividing it into 7 sections
Money
Kitchen/food
Chores/shared spaces
Puppy/grandson rules
Privacy/Peace
Monthly meetings
Plan if not working
Planning to discuss all this in detail before they move in.
As said previously we will be gifting money towards a deposit and need to know an end date for them.
I'm really not going into this thinking it's going to be all lovely happy families. We want to do what we can right now to help get them off to a good start in life. Families come in all varieties, none of them perfect and hopefully with a plan in place and monthly meetings to iron out differences and tweak arrangements we will all survive.

I know your heart is in the right place but this is going to be hell

Sadly I agree with this

You sound wonderful OP, your son and DIL are really lucky. Wishing you all the best.

They don't need two years of puppy classes. Where had this rubbish come from. My two dogs (one a rescue) have never been to a class. We read a couple of books, and a bit like our kids were consistent, trained through rewards and routine. There have been bumps along the way but they are very obedient and have no bad habits.
Its the overthinkjng, anxious dog owners in the park that go on about it all the time feom when they are little pups that seem to end up with dogs with all the issues around here!
Doesn't mean dogs aren't expensive though and bloody hard work so a stupid decision by them.

Your plan sounds like a recipe for disaster honestly… your house isn’t big enough you will end up doing most of the childcare and housework

I know you want to help but this can have long term issues

I ended up taking in my daughter and grandson for similar reasons about 6/7 years ago - which covered the pandemic period ! It worked ok - there were a few bumps along the way but I loved being part of my (then) small grandchild’s life. It also broke my heart that they were living in a dingy flat - smelling damp on a small child made their request to move back home an easy decision for me. We have a 3 bedroom terrace - not enormous but enough for us. They moved out to their own place once debts were paid off and she was back on her feet with better housing.

I struggled with only one toilet in the house!

Now we’re retired we are talking about them coming back to live with us in the future because in the current cost of living crisis it just makes sense to pool resources.

Thankyou so much for your kind words.
For everyone else saying it will be a disaster well that remains to be seen.
We will deal with the problems and niggles as they come.

It's putting in the hours with the training though, isn't it? Which DS & DDIL somehow have to make time & energy for alongside a small and very high needs child... or find someone else who will!