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I honestly think this is unfair. Thoughts? (Sorry a bit long)

58 replies

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:09

My DD14, year 10, has had a terrible school year. She was finally diagnosed with autism in January, and went through the assessments in October (Two appointments, both in school time as no out of school hours appointments were available and we've waited ages for this assessment).

She's also been having severe gynaecological issues, has been in extreme pain, has been to a&e twice with it as she was showing symptoms of going into shock, cold clammy skin, rapid breathing, literally collapsing on the floor, extreme confusion. She's been referred to the gynaecologist, but is still on the waiting list. I've chased and been assured she's on there but waits are long and they've not got to her date yet.

Because of this she only has 95% attendance. This is purely due to medical issues, no random days off, no school avoidance. No late marks. We had parents evening last month. All very positive, been told she works hard, interacts well, is doing well in her subjects on the whole.

She's also been the subject of a bullying campaign. School got on top of it, it's stopped the the kids involved were dealt with.

So now we come to the end of the year rewards trip. I've been informed that my daughter can't go on the rewards trip as she didn't meet the criteria. This is based on attendance, award points, and negative behaviour points.

Apparently she has -3 behaviour points, this was news to me. It turns out that on the day of her first autism assessment she was marked as extremely late. Despite it showing in the school app as authorised absence. And me clearing it with the school in advance. So she's been marked as both extremely late and authorised absence for the same day, I'm querying this with the school.

Achievement points, she only has 49. No idea if this is good or bad. It's a Hogwarts style system with teachers randomly assigning points as they see fit rather than having clear goals for attaining them. It tends to be that they get assigned to less high achieving kids who work hard according to DD, but she's 14 so I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.

So between this apparently low amount of points, the medical absences, and the -3 behaviour points my daughter isn't eligible for the trip.
Every single one of her friends is attending this trip. So she's going to be stuck in school that day on her own.

I can only think it's the attendance that's really wrecked her chances. But 95% isn't that low. She's never had a detention or been in any trouble.
She's qualified for this trip every year so far. The child who was bullying DD got 3 days detention, but is eligible for the trip.

I'm not going to be that parent and make a huge fuss, but I'm gutted for her. She really doesn't get why she's being "punished" (I mean she isn't, but she's not being rewarded) especially as the time she's had off school is all for medical appointments or trips to a&e. She feels she's being punished for being ill whereas people who have genuinely behaved badly have been rewarded.

I just don't know what to say to her.

OP posts:
Walkerzoo · 14/04/2026 17:12

I wouldn't be happy either.
The example of the kid who was deemed as the bully gets to go. Nah. Not sure what you can do but hopefully others will have more advice on that.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 14/04/2026 17:12

give her the day off and take her where the trip is and go enjoy yourselves. Fuck the school!

timeforteaandcakes · 14/04/2026 17:16

I would contact the school and be that parent. It sounds very unfair.
Failing that o would keep her off school that day and treat her to her own reward day out.

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purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:16

I'd bring it up with school. Ask why exactly first of all then see where to take it, if anywhere.

And yes I would actually keep her off in this instance if that's what she wants. And I don't even usually say that

murasaki · 14/04/2026 17:19

Another vote for taking her on a nice day out.

WednesdaysChild73 · 14/04/2026 17:19

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 14/04/2026 17:12

give her the day off and take her where the trip is and go enjoy yourselves. Fuck the school!

I’d be inclined to go with this option too

DreamyJade · 14/04/2026 17:19

Be that parent! It’s discrimination, and it’s illegal.

EamonnFyre · 14/04/2026 17:22

On this occasion I’d definitely be that parent. Schools are mad at this sort of stupid random punishment and the fact that the bully gets to go would be enough to make me go in and speak to someone. The message your dd is getting from that alone is not ok.

AddictedToTea · 14/04/2026 17:23

This is just a case of the criteria being applied fairly but not equitably. Just calmly email the HoY with what you’ve said here. Query the late mark for an authorised absence (this might be a new teacher not quite completing the register correctly e.g if she was retuning from an authorised appointment 50 minutes into the lesson, the teacher will have wanted to mark her present so clicked ‘late’ without really thinking) and then simply ask that your daughter be added onto the trip.

With over 200 students in the year, the odd error is made. Be that parent. School won’t mind. I’d rather 100 emails than one student miss out on a reward trip unfairly.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/04/2026 17:24

My kids used to complain about the fact that the disruptive and badly behaved kids got to go on a day trip to Alton Towers if they managed to - I dunno, not kill anyone for a fortnight or something. It really was as slight as that. I know it was done to encourage improved behaviour, but the kids knew how to game the system and would stay out of trouble for the qualifying time, get an all expenses paid trip to Alton Towers, while all the 'good' and non-disruptive kids had to stay at school.

Even my youngest left fourteen years ago and she STILL says how unfair they all found it. So don't dismiss your DD, OP, because things like this really rankle.

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:25

If this is as strict a policy as you say - then presumably many other students are also not permitted to go?

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:27

She's also been the subject of a bullying campaign. School got on top of it, it's stopped the the kids involved were dealt with.

So a really effective and responsive school?

newornotnew · 14/04/2026 17:28

I don't understand what you mean by 'I'm not going to be that parent' - if my child was treated so badly by a school I would escalate it to the headteacher as a formal, very polite, complaint.

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:29

I've emailed the head of year. Apparently they only take the top scoring 200 kids per year, she came in at 257 according to them. However that was before she told me about the bully going. So I've replied to the head of year that I want a meeting or phone call where I'll go over the medical issues etc and see where we stand.

I understand that the cutoff point has to be somewhere. But she's NEVER been in trouble or had a detention, and until this year she's had 100% attendance barring a single day in year 9. So it does seem she's being penalised for her health issues, while kids with less than perfect behaviour but who haven't had any days off are still fit to go.

OP posts:
Restlessdreams1994 · 14/04/2026 17:34

So they can only take 200 kids and she’s been able to go the last three years when she’s had higher attendance? Doesn’t seem unreasonable that someone else gets a chance to go this year.

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:35

The latest update does make a bit more sense!

Beamur · 14/04/2026 17:37

I'd be that parent and appeal the decision.
If not, my DD would certainly be 'ill' on that day otherwise.

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:38

Ok so loads not going and she wasn’t even particularly close to going

Beamur · 14/04/2026 17:38

Top 200? How unfair. That's a horrible decision by the school.

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:38

Beamur · 14/04/2026 17:38

Top 200? How unfair. That's a horrible decision by the school.

How many in the year?

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:40

Sorry been dealing with a very emotional DD. Yep. It's definitely the attendance that has swung it.and while that was the only criteria I totally understood it.
What's made me question it is that the bully who got 3 days detention is allowed to go.
Working it all out my daughter has had 7 days off this year. 4 of those were appointments and two were a&e trips. The last one was the day she told me about the bullying. So we went to the school and while she was technically there but not in class so marked as absent.

OP posts:
IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:41

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:38

How many in the year?

500 ish

OP posts:
murasaki · 14/04/2026 17:42

It would tend to imply that the bully didn't get much of a sanction in terms of points.

begonefoulclutter · 14/04/2026 17:42

Bastards. Talk about kicking a kid when she's down. I would be livid.

Escalate it to the Head and the Chair of Governers, and mention that OFSTED will be hearing all about this unless the situation is resolved to your (and your dd's) satisafaction. This is absolutely not on. Copy your local MP into all of it.

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:43

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:41

500 ish

Ok at they’ve taken the top 200

This seems reasonable to me

I think you’re on a hiding to nothing

You say the school was very on top of the bullying and dealt with it effectively. The head immediately responded to this concern.

the school is doing a good job and more than 300 pupils won’t be going

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