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I honestly think this is unfair. Thoughts? (Sorry a bit long)

58 replies

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:09

My DD14, year 10, has had a terrible school year. She was finally diagnosed with autism in January, and went through the assessments in October (Two appointments, both in school time as no out of school hours appointments were available and we've waited ages for this assessment).

She's also been having severe gynaecological issues, has been in extreme pain, has been to a&e twice with it as she was showing symptoms of going into shock, cold clammy skin, rapid breathing, literally collapsing on the floor, extreme confusion. She's been referred to the gynaecologist, but is still on the waiting list. I've chased and been assured she's on there but waits are long and they've not got to her date yet.

Because of this she only has 95% attendance. This is purely due to medical issues, no random days off, no school avoidance. No late marks. We had parents evening last month. All very positive, been told she works hard, interacts well, is doing well in her subjects on the whole.

She's also been the subject of a bullying campaign. School got on top of it, it's stopped the the kids involved were dealt with.

So now we come to the end of the year rewards trip. I've been informed that my daughter can't go on the rewards trip as she didn't meet the criteria. This is based on attendance, award points, and negative behaviour points.

Apparently she has -3 behaviour points, this was news to me. It turns out that on the day of her first autism assessment she was marked as extremely late. Despite it showing in the school app as authorised absence. And me clearing it with the school in advance. So she's been marked as both extremely late and authorised absence for the same day, I'm querying this with the school.

Achievement points, she only has 49. No idea if this is good or bad. It's a Hogwarts style system with teachers randomly assigning points as they see fit rather than having clear goals for attaining them. It tends to be that they get assigned to less high achieving kids who work hard according to DD, but she's 14 so I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.

So between this apparently low amount of points, the medical absences, and the -3 behaviour points my daughter isn't eligible for the trip.
Every single one of her friends is attending this trip. So she's going to be stuck in school that day on her own.

I can only think it's the attendance that's really wrecked her chances. But 95% isn't that low. She's never had a detention or been in any trouble.
She's qualified for this trip every year so far. The child who was bullying DD got 3 days detention, but is eligible for the trip.

I'm not going to be that parent and make a huge fuss, but I'm gutted for her. She really doesn't get why she's being "punished" (I mean she isn't, but she's not being rewarded) especially as the time she's had off school is all for medical appointments or trips to a&e. She feels she's being punished for being ill whereas people who have genuinely behaved badly have been rewarded.

I just don't know what to say to her.

OP posts:
quocket · 14/04/2026 17:44

Why shouldn’t you be ‘that’ parent. You should be! Advocate for your child who is being treated unfairly

PinkNailPolish2026 · 14/04/2026 17:44

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:41

500 ish

It seems reasonable to me, 300 children aren’t going on the trip.

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:45

Sorry if I'm missing things. Happy to answer.
Loads not going, yep that's true. But she's autistic and literally all her friends are going, not a few. Every one of them. Most of the ones not going are in the lower "streams" she's in the highest stream.

As I originally said I don't want to be that parent. And tbh until this year I didn't even know the criteria, because she just got the letter and that was it, so I assumed it was all kids with decent behaviour and attendance could go. I only knew it's not linked to grades as they made that clear.

OP posts:

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StealthMama · 14/04/2026 17:47

its clearly discrimination if some children with additional medical needs can never attain the required results to achieve the goal. As someone else said it’s not an equitable allocation.

so once you’ve explained the medical needs that were outside of her control and authorised, ask them to explain how else they expect she would have been able to achieve the unachievable.

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:54

Oh, just to add. This wouldn't be a free trip. We would have to pay for it. Just in case that makes a difference.
Sorry didn't occur to me that I should add that info

OP posts:
Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:55

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:45

Sorry if I'm missing things. Happy to answer.
Loads not going, yep that's true. But she's autistic and literally all her friends are going, not a few. Every one of them. Most of the ones not going are in the lower "streams" she's in the highest stream.

As I originally said I don't want to be that parent. And tbh until this year I didn't even know the criteria, because she just got the letter and that was it, so I assumed it was all kids with decent behaviour and attendance could go. I only knew it's not linked to grades as they made that clear.

There will be a number of children in that 200 who are ND and have autism. Guaranteed

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 17:56

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:55

There will be a number of children in that 200 who are ND and have autism. Guaranteed

Yep totally true. Only added that because she feels that she's failed by being ill and is blaming her medical issues and autism for not being "good enough"

OP posts:
Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 17:57

Take it up with school but I would be astonished if the school now allows number 257 to go

anotheranonanon · 14/04/2026 18:01

Why would you not be that parent. Defend your child.

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 18:02

I'm not saying they should. I just think that if it's a trip for good behaviour, advertised as such as a rewards trip, they should have been a bit clearer. I only found the criteria after enquiring, she had no idea that her medical issues could affect her eligibility. Although knowing her if she had known that she would have probably fought me on attending her assessments. But we needed that diagnosis and wait times are crazy.

OP posts:
Jemminy · 14/04/2026 18:08

The achievement points give me the rage. There are usually certain teachers who hand out tonnes and certain teachers who don't. The ranking system completely depends on whatever formula someone has come up with pull all the factors together. Use a different equation and you get a different top 200. You'd think we had moved on from seating children in order from highest to lowest achieving, like they did in Victorian times.

Do what you can but ultimately I think this kind of policy just forces us down the route of teaching our kids to roll our eyes at whatever systems school come up with. Not how I thought I'd be parenting my teens, but she will be stronger for knowing you are on her side whether you change the outcome or not.

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 18:08

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 18:02

I'm not saying they should. I just think that if it's a trip for good behaviour, advertised as such as a rewards trip, they should have been a bit clearer. I only found the criteria after enquiring, she had no idea that her medical issues could affect her eligibility. Although knowing her if she had known that she would have probably fought me on attending her assessments. But we needed that diagnosis and wait times are crazy.

It is a good behaviour reward
and your daughter has displayed good behaviour

but…. Along with more than 300 others, it didn’t make the cut

im sure 201-256 are also feeling a bit put out!

DamsonGoldfinch · 14/04/2026 18:09

Fight it. She has exemplary behaviour. Absence for medical appointments is a blunt and totally inappropriate tool. She’s essentially being discriminated against for her disability. Make that point to the school. EA applies. They need to make reasonable adjustments.

Not relevant to you at the moment but my autistic child missed a lot of school - to a level which triggers an EWO visit - but the school fought back and we never got one. They sent letters that said ‘we have to legally send this but’. That’s the kind of support schools should provide to kids with SEN.

Grammarninja · 14/04/2026 18:15

Restlessdreams1994 · 14/04/2026 17:34

So they can only take 200 kids and she’s been able to go the last three years when she’s had higher attendance? Doesn’t seem unreasonable that someone else gets a chance to go this year.

But the bully getting a spot?

BollyMolly · 14/04/2026 18:16

The bully going is irrelevant. It is not up to you to judge how they deal with other children if the bullying was dealt with appropriately enough that it has stopped.

The criteria might be unfair but if it is a reward for the top performs children then it’s not that bad. You have been told that it is about things other than attendance, so why are you focusing on that? If you didn’t have a problem with your child being rewarded for having lots of merit points then it is hypocritical to have a problem with it now. The ‘Hogwarts style points’ is completely normal, and has been since I was a child.

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 18:17

Thanks for all the advice and comments.
I'm not going to go in all guns blazing because obviously they apparently have a limited number of spaces.

However that has never actually been made clear before, I only found out they only take the top 200 when I enquired.
Yes other parents are going to be in the same boat.

However I will make the point that every single day off barring one was for a medical appointment or a&e trip, and technically we were in the school on the other day, just in with the HOY rather than her in class.

I don't expect they will change their minds, but I will bring up the fact this is technically disability discrimination. Also if she was male she wouldn't have been off for 4 of those days as that's due to her gynaecological issues, and totally beyond her control.

As I said I'd be less annoyed if it was a free trip, but as the parents are paying why don't they open it up to everyone with good behaviour? It's not a cheap "oh bung us a fiver towards costs trip" it'd cost me less to take her there myself!

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 14/04/2026 18:18

I'm sorry your poor DD is going through this. I'm feeling livid for you. And gynae problems shouldn't count against her it's not fair. But out of date.
Personally I would take DD out for the day.
It's ashit policy really if there's 500 pupils what if they all behaved impeccably and equal attendance they couldn't all go.

RudolphTheReindeer · 14/04/2026 18:19

Sometimes you need to be that parent. I don't know how schools get away with these attendance awards when they're punishing children with disabilities/medical needs etc. it's discriminatory. I guess they just never get challenged (or do and quietly and back down).

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2026 18:22

Very unfair. Take her on a nice day out.

Walkerzoo · 14/04/2026 18:48

I don't live in the UK but is there a disability discrimination agency?

I get that they have limited places but maybe they should looks at a reward system that covers more.
No wonder kids don't want to go to school

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 18:50

Walkerzoo · 14/04/2026 18:48

I don't live in the UK but is there a disability discrimination agency?

I get that they have limited places but maybe they should looks at a reward system that covers more.
No wonder kids don't want to go to school

Fgs
within the 200 going - there will be a substantial number of ND kids.

and DD has been for the last 3 years

this year - she hasn’t made the cut. Along with more than 300 others, which will contain ND kids and many many NT kids

I wouldn’t waste the school’s time with this.

There are 56 kids above her who were closer to going

PuppyMonkey · 14/04/2026 18:55

Absolutely outrageous that the bully gets to go.

Instructions · 14/04/2026 19:00

If you honestly believe your child is being treated unfairly and it's something more than a minor inconvenience then be That Parent. Teachers and schools are fallible, there are times it is appropriate to challenge decisions they make- you don't have to be anything but polite, you can definitely request something be reviewed, discussed, etc without being in any way rude or unpleasant. It really is ok to challenge something you think is honestly wrong.

newornotnew · 14/04/2026 19:02

IveLostMyUsername · 14/04/2026 18:17

Thanks for all the advice and comments.
I'm not going to go in all guns blazing because obviously they apparently have a limited number of spaces.

However that has never actually been made clear before, I only found out they only take the top 200 when I enquired.
Yes other parents are going to be in the same boat.

However I will make the point that every single day off barring one was for a medical appointment or a&e trip, and technically we were in the school on the other day, just in with the HOY rather than her in class.

I don't expect they will change their minds, but I will bring up the fact this is technically disability discrimination. Also if she was male she wouldn't have been off for 4 of those days as that's due to her gynaecological issues, and totally beyond her control.

As I said I'd be less annoyed if it was a free trip, but as the parents are paying why don't they open it up to everyone with good behaviour? It's not a cheap "oh bung us a fiver towards costs trip" it'd cost me less to take her there myself!

Well that policy is disgusting in itself.

There should be a fair threshold for attending.

50NotFat · 14/04/2026 19:54

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 14/04/2026 17:12

give her the day off and take her where the trip is and go enjoy yourselves. Fuck the school!

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