Am I selfish for refusing to give away saved baby items?

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I saved all of ds / dd baby things in case we have another . Everything is in lovely condition and things like the double buggy are almost brand new. Dh has taken it upon himself to offer a relative of his ‘anything she wants’ as she’s single and struggling. He told me she will be popping round at the weekend to choose so we need to get everything out of the loft / out of the wardrobe. I’ve said no and made him message her to explain that actually we can’t give anything as he hadn’t asked me !!!!

He’s now saying I’m selfish and had I been kinder we could have just got new anyway if we had another and he’s not even sure now if he wants a third with somebody who is as unkind as me when someone else is in real need right now. I’m really annoyed as I’m not ready to make a decision now and also not ready to get rid of the baby things. He’s trying to make me feel guilty and I think that’s quite unfair.

I think telling his relative she can have “anything she wants” without so much as discussing it with you is really poor behaviour.

He clearly cares most about appearing to be “the hero” in this scenario.

No, you are not selfish. I still regret giving away some denim baby dungarees with a fire engine design on them. My dc are now in their twenties !

Could you bag up some less sentimental
clothes to give to her?

They are not his things to give away. He should have discussed this with you in advance as they belong to you both.

Could you give the bits you would probably want new? I was holding onto my prep machine for example but my husband pointed out if we were to have another I would probably want an upgraded one or perhaps bits that would be cheap to buy but cumbersome like the plastic baby bath etc.

I would definitely want to help in some way. Surely there’s a compromise.

Absolutely justified in feeling annoyed. This is more about memories than money . If he's that worried about struggling relative why doesn’t he pay for the items she needs ?

No not selfish, I'd maybe part with a couple of things I wasn't so bothered about but I really regret giving away baby things from my first dc.
If he's that bothered then tell him to buy new stuff for her then.

I agree he should have asked you first, but is there nothing you could at least lend her? Or as others said, bag up some of the least sentimental items? You say she is single and struggling, that is a really shit situation to be in with a baby on the way.

Whilst I totally understand why you might want to hang on to some sentimental bits / favourite outfits (and that’s fine), I can’t ever imagine being comfortable with having a house full of nice baby bits that I might never use again when a relative or friend is struggling to make ends meet to clothe / provide for their baby.
Let the relative take anything that’s not precious to you. They may return it when they’re done and if not, after 2 children using the items, the chances are they may have naturally reached the end of their useful life and you may want to buy new / upgraded models for DC3 if another comes along.

You're both being unreasonable.

He should discuss things with you like a partner and respect that some things will hold sentimental attachments.

But you've saved all of your children's baby things and aren't willing to pass anything along? That's different than having some sentimental outfits and similar. If things like your buggy are in loft storage then how old are your children? And how what conversations have happened about additional DC before this?

Both of you need to find a middle ground.

He should absolutely have spoken to you first but equally you should be willing to agree on a compromise- presumably you bought the things together so they aren't just yours.

I'd bring down some things which don't have a lot of sentimental value and let her choose from them.

Do you really need a double buggy if your children are bigger now?

If she’s in so much need he can buy her a pushchair himself.

Surely there’s a “happy medium” here, maybe if she’s struggling there’s some items she can have or one or two she could borrow.

He’s gone about it in a tactless way, but you’re coming off a bit unkind.

Reading between the lines neither of you are on the same page about a third child, this may be his very odd way of signalling he doesn’t want one & your inability to relinquish a single item shows you’re set on a third.

I think that, whatever you decide, you shouldn’t lend anything. It would be worse expecting something back and it not being returned or being returned in a worse condition.

If your DH is happy to buy new for you, why not use the money to buy new items for his relative as a present?

It’s a no from me. Like you l look after things. He shouldn’t be giving stuff away without discussing it. Not your fault she’s single and struggling

Having just had to throw away a load of baby stuff because we kept it for too long, I think you're being slightly unreasonable here. It was so disheartening realising nobody wanted anything as it was so old, even though it was immaculately kept.
Sort out some special items you want to keep and let her look through the rest. Far better that another child will get to use and enjoy it than leaving it in a box.

Agree. I suppose they are his things as much as yours, OP (unless of course you had the kids prior to being with him and you bought everything), but I would check with my partner before offering anything. Some people are more sentimental than others (some of my family desperately wanted old baby blankets etc to carry ours home from hospital, and quite honestly I found having to remember that a hassle at that time, but I do respect that for some people, these things matter).

Is this about the stuff or perhaps wanting a third DC?

Thought that too.

We spoke again last night and have agreed that we will give her £150 towards some thing as I really can’t part with the baby / toddler things I have here. I do want another I think that’s definitely a big part and I looked after it all so well with that in mind that I just can’t give it away.

Nice to know that you have talked and that you have agreed. Keep talking.

YANBU

What a plonker!

I'm glad you've come to a compromise. If he still gets huffy, show him these threads about what happens when you lend baby things in good condition - they come back stained, torn, dirty, parts missing...

Damaged/dirty baby items | Mumsnet

Baby clothes - strange | Mumsnet

to not even want to speak to my friend again | Mumsnet

He definitely should have spoken to you first.

He should have spoken to you first. I have some friends that were in bits about accepting that they weren't having more children and parting with the baby things was a significant step in this.