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Original poster

DS19 at uni with longstanding hygiene issues and social anxiety

26 replies

Firefly45 · 05/04/2026 21:47

DS19 has awful personal hygiene and its making me so upset for him but also angry.

DS is at uni, however this lack of personal hygiene is not new. He has been like this all his life. He is also massively obese. He smells of BO. He sleeps in clothes and wears them all day. He doesn't wear deodorant. He has a shower or bath but doesn't use soap.
His teeth are a massive issue. They are disgusting. Ive paid over and over for scales and Polish (£75). The dentist who is lovely has had stern talk with him, nice talk with him, shown him photos of what will happen.

His eating is absolutely out of control and he is so unhealthy.

He has social anxiety and always struggled to make friends. However he has made 2 or 3 friends at uni. He is massively into gaming and loads of friends online.

Hes not depressed, singing, joking, dancing in kitchen. He is attending uni fine, doing fine in his work, he is funny and kind and affectionate.

I do suspect he has ADHD. Ive asked if he wants counselling to talk about his social anxiety..he says no hes fine, he just avoids people.

Im so sad because he is so lovely.

Does anyone else have an experience like this?

I think noone is ever going to want to be friends or romantic with him because of his awful personal hygiene

OP posts:
FruityFrog · 05/04/2026 21:54

Can you deal with the lack of soap first? Tell him he smells and come up with some strategies for helping him organise washing and clothes changing/laundry. Can you get him an app to remind him to change clothes daily and visit the launderette weekly. Shower wise, is it remembering to have the shower or is it about having the right soap/shampoo in the shower or just remembering to use it?

Allmarbleslost · 05/04/2026 21:55

Neurodiverse people can really struggle with this stuff. He needs support to manage it.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 05/04/2026 21:56

Have you told him he smells disgusting? What’s his excuse for not using soap or deodorant when you’ve asked him?

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19 years old
Original poster
Firefly45 · 05/04/2026 22:02

Yes we have tried so much to help him.
We have spoken to him gently and kindly about his hygiene.
We have tried being strict and firm and brutally honest.
He has loads of soap, toothbrushes ..everything.

He gets very angry if it is mentioned or discussed. Like 0-100 rage! He shouts 'okkkaayyyy'
But then does nothing differently.

He says he just 'cant be bothered'...sheer laziness..which is same as his weight and not cooking properly, wont go outside..'cant be bothered'

He can be bothered gaming and planning very complicated online stuff. He is attending uni and like I say he doesn't seem depressed.

We have explained that he cant smell himself or his breath. I think because he cant smell it he thinks noone else can.
I have no sense of smell and occasionally my DH tells me my breath smells (if im run down, dehydrated) and im so thankful he tells me (even tho it does feel upsetting at the time)

OP posts:
corkscissorschalk · 05/04/2026 22:05

@Firefly45
Gosh OP, it’s really tough to see our kids struggling but not be able to help them.
I ( ADHD) too find personal hygiene very difficult.
I needed to realise what was happening, believe it, and then prioritise it in a way that NT people don’t have to .
I literally have to use more brain power to keep myself to a socially acceptable hygiene standard, than actually doing a degree.
He needs this to be his focus, as well as possibly trying to improve diet and lifestyle.
Most people can stay on top of things without too much thought, he needs help understanding that he unfortunately can’t do that.

Original poster
Firefly45 · 05/04/2026 22:10

Is there any advice? How can I help him?

OP posts:
MrAlyakhin · 05/04/2026 22:10

Does he have sensory issues over showering and brushing his teeth? Have you presented alternatives? For example a strip wash or bath, or dry shampoo. What sort of toothbrush does he use? Is he ok with mint toothpaste? It could be laziness but there might be barriers too. Difficult conversation especially if he lacks awareness.

LIZS · 05/04/2026 22:16

I think you are tacking this the wrong way. Offering counselling is too ambiguous. Be specific about the outcome, accessing help with managing workload and deadlines, meeting other students and so on. If he is nd it is probably not “laziness”. Plenty of people with similar issues simply do not know where to start to address and self manage their health and well-being. Start with one thing and build a routine over time. Simplify products so that it is less overwhelming - a shower and hair gel combined for example,

MrMucker · 05/04/2026 22:25

Curious that you start of by saying he smells so badly of BO but then in latest post, you have no sense of smell, I'm struggling to square the two. How do you know how bad he smells?

Original poster
Firefly45 · 05/04/2026 22:32

Sorry. My husband, daughter and his grandparents can all smell him.

OP posts:
Jc2001 · 05/04/2026 22:33

MrMucker · 05/04/2026 22:25

Curious that you start of by saying he smells so badly of BO but then in latest post, you have no sense of smell, I'm struggling to square the two. How do you know how bad he smells?

Maybe if you read the whole post you'd be able to square it.

Sensiblesal · 05/04/2026 22:36

He definitely sounds depressed.

the online gaming is a red herring here. He needs his time for gaming & so the rest of the things don’t matter.

the not looking after yourself, washing, cooking, not going outside are all symptoms of depression.

There is a young lad from Hull called Marcus Skeet, get your son to look him up online and see how much he changed from starting to do mental health walks then running. It might encourage him.

MrMucker · 05/04/2026 22:37

Jc2001 · 05/04/2026 22:33

Maybe if you read the whole post you'd be able to square it.

Show quote history

I was asking the question because I wanted to know, op has kindly responded factually, and your post is literally needless and rather hostile. Not necessary.

Bababear987 · 05/04/2026 23:00

Where does he live? Was he always like this, even as a young teen?

Original poster
Firefly45 · 05/04/2026 23:26

Hes at uni an hour away but this is not new. He has been like this and we have spoken to him about this his entire life . Literally nothing has worked and stickers and punishments dont work on young adults.

He will actually spend 2hrs in bath (singing) and come out still smelling cos he has not used soap that is on the bath side. I will have also shouted through to door 'use soap!!'..his reply 'okkaaayyy'....doesn't use soap

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 05/04/2026 23:32

He's smart enough to be at uni - he knows that you have to wash properly so you don't smell, and that society looks down on obese people.
He also has social anxiety.

Are you sure he isn't actually trying to keep people away, so that he doesn't have to interact with them? (in person, in real time)

(It's a well-known tactic amongst sexual abuse victims, which is not to imply that he has been abused, but that it is definitely a thing that people can do if they really really feel uncomfortable about others coming near).

493ruth · 05/04/2026 23:39

has he tried different flavours of toothpaste? I have been in his shoes when depressed and autistic and it turned out I fucking hated mint, enough to put me off doing dental care. Cinnamon toothpaste was a step to being a bit normal

caringcarer · 06/04/2026 04:45

I don't like soap either. Why is he not given a nice smelling shower gel?

Bababear987 · 06/04/2026 09:15

What reason does he give?

frozendaisy · 06/04/2026 09:22

Does he live with you?

Original poster
Firefly45 · 06/04/2026 11:06

He has had several different flavours of toothpaste (non minty, dentist has been great and really tries to think of solutions and compromises)
He has soap, shower gel, foamy stuff, baby wipes. Ive asked is it sensory.

His answer is either to shout at 100 decibels 'okkayyyy'
Or to say he doesn't know why he just can't be bothered
Or he lies and says he has washed/cleaned but clearly hasnt

OP posts:
isthesolution · 06/04/2026 11:52

I Don’t think there IS anything you can do. It’s very sad and upsetting but he is an adult and isn’t living with you.

I really struggle with smells So I’d find it hard to be around him - I can’t imagine how I’d handle it because you also have no leverage. When he lived at home presumably you could say ‘no phone until a proper wash’ or ‘no gaming until teeth brushed’ but at this point I think you have to accept it is who he is.

Callmeback · 06/04/2026 13:13

Don't assume that someone who laughs, sings and jokes isn't depressed. Think of people like Robin Williams and Matthew Perry.

He wouldn't stink after 2 hours in the bath, even if he didn't use soap.

BestZebbie · 06/04/2026 15:29

Callmeback · 06/04/2026 13:13

Don't assume that someone who laughs, sings and jokes isn't depressed. Think of people like Robin Williams and Matthew Perry.

He wouldn't stink after 2 hours in the bath, even if he didn't use soap.

If he sat upright he easily could, as nothing above the waist would have touched water!

Mumteedum · 06/04/2026 18:02

I think it's an issue with lots of young people, especially with neurodivergence.

I'm a lecturer and I'd say it's getting worse. Lots of my students have bad breath even if they don't actually smell, and some do.

My own young teen struggles a bit but he's trying at least. I do worry about him needing reminders and what he'll be like once he leaves home.

As for what to do about it, that is much harder. I would struggle to cope with being with him indoors.

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