Should we move closer to our adult children or stay near my mum?

[Sadteacher]

Our children are early 20s and both live in a city 80mins drive away. They come home at least once a month for the weekend. We are a very close family. My DD and DS socialise several times a week.
I have an elderly but independent mum near me. She is quite a drain so I don’t see her more than a couple of times a month. I am an only child.
my husband thinks we should move to the outskirts of the city for a more fun lifestyle. We would see our adult children lots more for a dinner, Sunday lunch etc. Our current town is small.
Because of house prices we would have to downsize a little. My DH points out we have 2 empty bedrooms most of the time. If we lived closer our children wouldn’t need to stay over as often. He quite sensibly pointed out keeping a bigger house just for Christmas isn’t cost effective! I worry when they get partners our house won’t be big enough to host, yet I’d love to see more of them.
Hand on heart, I feel guilty moving away from my mum, even though she has a partner. She is nearly 80 and I feel responsible for her. I keep telling myself you only live once.
I’d be interested in views about what we should do without the emotional attachment!

How is your Mum’s health?
Without being emotionally involved, all I can think of is the ball ache of driving that distance to your Mum’s if and when she becomes terminally ill.

Other than that, do your children seem pleased or panicked at the idea of you living closer to them? Will they love seeing you more or are their lives already busy and will feel worried at trying to find the time to fit you in more frequently?

I’d pick a house and an area you and your husband will love to live in regardless of kids and elderly family. If your Mum dies and your children choose to move even further out, will you still love living in that house and area?

Would you be downsizing from a 3 to a 1 bed?

Is there no middle option? Somewhere 30 mins from your DC but less than an hour from your mum?

If you really want to move nearer your adult children do it now while your mother has a partner and isn't totally dependent on you for support and company.
I wanted to move nearer young grandchildren several years ago but my husband wasn't up for it. Dd was full time at work, total provider as her husband had severe MH issues. I could have been a great support to her.
We didn't do it and I wouldn't do it now because my mother is in her 90s and alone. She is semi dependent on us and I wouldn't move further away now, partly because I don't choose to distance myself more at this vulnerable time of her life and also if I did move further away I would make life more difficult for myself as I don't like driving and I would have far more of it to do.
There comes a point where it's now or never. You may be at the start of that timing,/stage. We have missed the boat.

Mum, no question. Once you start having to do the emergency visits, you’ll curse being more than half an hour away.

Would you move to be nearer the city for your own sakes, even if your adult children were not there?
If yes, then it’s probably a good move for your own benefit.
But I wouldn’t do it solely for the purpose of seeing your children more. They are young and just starting out in adulthood. Who knows where life will take them. They may move to another town or another country. They will meet partners and their time will then be shared.
Don’t underestimate the value of ‘hosting’ too. I’m in London and really valued being able to stay a weekend at my parents house elsewhere.
On a practical level, and speaking as someone who is now (reluctantly) caring for an elderly parent, your adult children will easily be able to travel to you, but your elderly mum will not. So if you are taking on any aspect of supporting her in old age, a shorter journey to her is going to really help with that.
So all in all, make the move if it’s for yourself, but don’t make it dependent on your children.

People in their 20s often move themselves.

All valid points made, thank you. I should add, my mum and DH don’t get on. My mum has fallen out with all her neighbours and her brother doesn’t speak to her, she is quite cantankerous. I probably also feel guilty that my DH has to stay living somewhere because of an old lady who is unpleasant to him! She is a drain but I love her very much too.
@Crunchymum i am open to more of a halfway move but worry it won’t be the ideal for visiting in either direction.

I think moving nearer 20 somethings who should be out having fun with friends is a bit clingy. Do they really want parents just around the corner as they have moved away? Not sure my DDs would have done. They know you are family - you don’t need to prove it by reliving their teen years.

If parent does need you, and it’s likely they will, are you willing to get involved? Or will you say bye bye, I’ve gone, and leave them to it? More difficult to do in real life.

My Dad (81) and his wife live nearly 2 hours from us. My son and his wife...I have other children...lives over two hours in the opposite direction. Within the next two to three years we will move closer to my son. They want us to 🙂 the other children haven't settled down yet.

If your DC are early 20s, they might move away (for work, a partner etc). Or do you think that's very unlikely?

What happens if your kids move be away?

Stay put, sounds like a good distance between both of them and believe me you will want to be close to your mum the older she gets- I'm currently on a train doing an 8hr round trip to a hospital my mum is in.

I’d still be less than an hour from my mum. If my children moved away we’d still be near a better place for shopping, entertainment etc.

To be honest I couldn’t move away from a parent in their 80s, it wouldn’t seem right. 80 minutes drive away from adult children isn’t too far, still close enough to go for Sunday lunch and it sounds like they’re visit a lot anyway. It is too far from an elderly parent, especially since you’re the only child and choosing to move away could cause tensions.

i also wouldn’t want to downsize to a small place - at some point you could have grandchildren wanting to stay etc.

Quite.

That is why we never moved.

Stay near your Mum, Airbnb for the weekend in the city more often

Having read your updates - are you feeling pushed into this by your DH and trying to justify it to yourself? I can see from his point of view his “life is on hold” because of a tricky MIL, but really regardless of how hard and cantankerous they are, the love is still there as you say, and the responsibility.

i worry that you’re trying to convince yourself you want this move as it would appease your DH, but in reality if he didn’t want it you’d be happy with the balance between both and the larger family home.

you don’t see your mum that much anyway, but likely will need to be more “on hand” as time goes by, and once she’s gone she’s gone.

I’m in a very similar position. My children are in their thirties and live w considerable distance away. They only visit st Xmas because it’s too far to travel for a short period and expensive, plus they need to use holiday entitlement from work. Visiting them is also expensive and a slog as they can’t put us up. I feel I’m missing out on so much.

I have wanted to move for years as I’m not happy living where we are but my 89 years old mother has been part of the reason why we have stayed. I don’t get on with her and she’s alienated my husband who doesn’t want to see her anymore. So I am stuck here being treated like her servant and regularly insulted.
One insult too many pushed me to put the house on the market and hopefully we will live closer to two of our children and live between them. It will still be a two hour drive one way and a three hour drive the other. My DIL has made it very clear she doesn’t want us too close though my son does.

It’s just so hard to know what to do for the best. If you love your mother I would stay. Try and visit your children more often so you see more of them. Be there for your mother. Your kids are very likely to move from where they are anyway.

As for me, I just don’t know if we are doing the right thing. I would prefer to be half an hour from one of my children rather than in the middle.

I will be a long way from my mother if something happens but she has lots of friends and my brother who doesn’t nothing will have to step up instead.

Good luck @HeddaGabbles alienating is a good word, my mum has done the same. I’d hate to live near a M in Law who was so unpleasant about me.

@Roulett no, I think I am a bit resentful I want to be living my best life and not hanging around just in case I need to be a carer. If we moved, we would be closer to DH’s elderly parents too, DH is the only child of theirs living in the UK. ( They would still be a couple of hours away.) We would literally be closer to everything. Airport for city breaks. Wider family. Shops, restaurants.
My mum’s house is big enough to stay in if I need to.

The replies here have been useful. My mum does know there is a chance we could move. She is supportive, but I know she would say that to not be a burden. She is very happy with her partner, they travel a lot still.

I have told my children if we move they can still move where they like. Unlikely as the city they are in is known for a certain industry, but I know they could move when they find a partner.

I think that you should not feel obliged to take on supporting your mother in her old age when you don't have a good relationship and she has actively alienated your DH (and others). If the sole reason for not moving is to be closer to her I think you will come to resent it.

@HeddaGabbles I would not stay around an insulting parent! However you will be helping out when push comes to shove. The NHs and social services will expect you to.

I think midway sounds a good option. You don’t want to be just surviving rather than enjoying life. If your children give you pleasure and your mum doesn’t, put yourself first, but in a place that she’s still very accessible.

I would have found it very weird if my parents had moved to the city and my siblings were in, and of they had well it wouldn't have lasted as within 3 years we all got partners and moved to different areas anyhow

In OP's situation it's clear that are multiple benefits of moving at this point in time and she's fully accepting that her DC might move somewhere else at a later date.

It's not weird for parents to move to a location that they prefer.
(In my case my parents chose to move 4 hours away from me and then complain that they didn't see me as often - that's "weird").

I would move to an area that suits you and DH and not put your life on hold. Your mum has a partner plus room if you need to stay.

If I’m an eight hour drive away they can’t expect me to help!