Should we move closer to our adult children or stay near my mum?

[Sadteacher]

Our children are early 20s and both live in a city 80mins drive away. They come home at least once a month for the weekend. We are a very close family. My DD and DS socialise several times a week.
I have an elderly but independent mum near me. She is quite a drain so I don’t see her more than a couple of times a month. I am an only child.
my husband thinks we should move to the outskirts of the city for a more fun lifestyle. We would see our adult children lots more for a dinner, Sunday lunch etc. Our current town is small.
Because of house prices we would have to downsize a little. My DH points out we have 2 empty bedrooms most of the time. If we lived closer our children wouldn’t need to stay over as often. He quite sensibly pointed out keeping a bigger house just for Christmas isn’t cost effective! I worry when they get partners our house won’t be big enough to host, yet I’d love to see more of them.
Hand on heart, I feel guilty moving away from my mum, even though she has a partner. She is nearly 80 and I feel responsible for her. I keep telling myself you only live once.
I’d be interested in views about what we should do without the emotional attachment!

My two pence worth, FWIW.

My DM is around 3.5 hours away from me. I moved away 23 years ago for work and my DS’s education (was actually an hour away before then).

My DM is now on her own. Currently very independent, and having been effectively carers for her parents, it isn’t something she would entertain for me or my siblings (as it currently stands that is).

My DS’s both flew the nest when they went to uni, and then made an active choice of where to live. One is a 10 minute walk away, the other an hours drive. They both work in retail and never get two days off in a row. I don’t see them as much as I’d like to, given their jobs, but when we do catch up it’s great.

My younger DB is 5 hours away from DM, has a young child, and prob only manages to visit 3 times a year.

Elder ‘B’ lives 10 mins away from DM, works 5 mins away, yet she’s lucky to see him twice a year at best.

Having had the conversation over the years about care when my DM needs it, she wouldn’t (unless not able to make a conscious decision) put us in that position. However, I get that’s easy said and not always reality. That said, I would at a moments notice be there, move in her house, work from there etc.

We bring our children up to be independent and live their lives (in my opinion). The concept of staying in the same vicinity for our whole lives is so outdated.

You do what’s right for you.

Her mum is 80 and has had her life.
The OP needs to start living her own life and not worry about her mum.
Her mum will have to arrange for carers not depend on the OP

What sort of society are we turning into 😱

A society where old people can't control the lives of their children when they have already had a long life.

Young people need to live their own lives not care for old people who are just living longer and longer.

And I am old and will be going to Dignitas as soon as I can't look after myself.

It may not be that easy to get to dignitas by the time you can’t look after yourself…

Well then I will kill myself.

Whatever I do I will not allow my younger relatives to look after me.

There are many places in between providing full time care and skipping off with ne’er a backward glance nor a care in your heart.

(That’s not aimed at you OP - I know that’s not your attitude.)

Hi fellow Hedda, by the way 😃

Completely agree!! No way will I let my DC lives be blighted and relationships strained.

Yes, exactly.

People are living / existing for longer and longer and it just isn't fair to expect the next generation to give up their lives to care for them. And it is giving up their lives and careers.

People used to say that we should look at the way that old people are treated in Japan as an example of how it should be done.

Well, lots of young Japanese people are fed up now with how long their old people are living and I can't blame them.

Thanks for all the responses. Definitely didn’t mean to post in an AIBU kind of way, genuinely needed to think out loud a bit. It has made me see I was being a bit over dramatic. I’ll still be an hour way, which is quite manageable if needed.
We tend to move every 5/6 years anyway so can always move again if need be. Who knows, a bit of space might make the time I spend with my mum a bit more quality time, not just biting my tongue time!

The sort of society where people are living extremely long lives, with many many years of needing extensive care. Women should not be browbeaten into thinking that they should devote their 50s and 60s to being carers when it is an utterly miserable and thankless task.

This.

It can be frustrating not being able to live life the way you want, but it's called future proofing. You just don't know what's round the corner.

Dealing with MILs final years was off the scale stressful, and we were within walking distance.

Sorry.

My advice is move where you want to be. I'm the youngest of 6, none of us stayed living near my parents (in fact 2 moved to different countries) and my ds moved 300 miles away from me when he was 18, now 24. In the last 2 years, my mum's care needs meant she moved into a nursing home (very aggressive dementia) and my dad died unexpectedly 6 months ago. I'm glad I didn't put my life on hold just in case anything happened to them. Don't view any of this though the lens of what 'might' happen. When it comes to care, you're the daughter, not the carer.

You may find that your children move again or find partners in a different town , all of mine have .
When they settle down they will be busy with their own family .
My mum sadly became very ill and passed away within 3 months , I saw her once a month , in the end I had to move in with her once the doctors said it was terminal , she was in her 60s.
I would wait , move to a smaller house if you want to but stay in the area .