Should we move closer to our adult children or stay near my mum?

[Sadteacher]

Our children are early 20s and both live in a city 80mins drive away. They come home at least once a month for the weekend. We are a very close family. My DD and DS socialise several times a week.
I have an elderly but independent mum near me. She is quite a drain so I don’t see her more than a couple of times a month. I am an only child.
my husband thinks we should move to the outskirts of the city for a more fun lifestyle. We would see our adult children lots more for a dinner, Sunday lunch etc. Our current town is small.
Because of house prices we would have to downsize a little. My DH points out we have 2 empty bedrooms most of the time. If we lived closer our children wouldn’t need to stay over as often. He quite sensibly pointed out keeping a bigger house just for Christmas isn’t cost effective! I worry when they get partners our house won’t be big enough to host, yet I’d love to see more of them.
Hand on heart, I feel guilty moving away from my mum, even though she has a partner. She is nearly 80 and I feel responsible for her. I keep telling myself you only live once.
I’d be interested in views about what we should do without the emotional attachment!

Move - 100%

Nearly 80 isn’t that old. You’ve potentially 10 years of caring / semi-caring responsibilities ahead of you, but it isn’t just yet. So make the most of your own life and do what you want.

Of course nearly 80 is old.
Potentially 10 years of caring responsibilities is possible but unlikely. More like 3-4 years.

@HeddaGabbles They will expect you to make decisions and sort out living arrangements.

Um, less than hour away isn’t far at all! It takes that long to drive about many cities. Move nearer kids.

I only ever see on MN that 60/90 drive is deemed worthy of an overnight visit.
Move to where you want, your mother sounds very unpleasant, let her get on with it.

I know. Hopefully I can do that from afar but I have two siblings .

I’d move, maybe not necessarily right now but I’d make it the plan in the next few years. I’d want to be nearer my kids in the long term and any potential grand kids. The fact your kids are in the same place is brilliant as you don’t have to chose!

Re: this:

I would not stay around an insulting parent! However you will be helping out when push comes to shove. The NHs and social services will expect you to.

Whatever the NHS might “expect”, they have no legal right to make you do anything for a parent. There are countries where these filial obligations are enshrined in law: Belgium is one (or was until recently - I am no longer in touch with the Belgian who was going through this a few years ago). It was made clear he was legally obliged to care for his parent with dementia. Fortunately for people like me who are estranged from our parents for very sound reasons, the UK recognises the individual as the unit of society in a number of ways.

Sounds like a no-brainer - move closer to your kids. Your mum is doing well, happy with her DP. She and your DH don't get on, and she should accept some responsibility for that. Since you have such a close relationship with your DC, you should enjoy and make the most of it. Sounds like there are a lot of positives for moving, and the positive for staying is that you're there for your mum who currently doesn't need you

I’d move, I think, in your situation. There are so many positives to the move and only really one negative, and that’s the distance from your mum. Honestly under an hour really isn’t far still so it wouldn’t stop me I don’t think, certainly even less so for a parent I wasn’t overly close to emotionally or who hadn’t been the best to me.

@Sadteacher you have talked about your children and your mother but not what you want!!

I live in a thriving town - if my eldest moved into my nearest city as much as I love it - I wouldn’t move as I love here!

You need to move where you want to live. Your children can go and live abroad, get married and move to Scotland- so where do you and your husband want to be.

our Next door neighbours but one moved to the edge of our thriving town. Right on a bus route and buses every 10 minutes to town centre an 15 minutes to city (10 miles away) we are a 10 minutes drive or taxi from both the airport and the train centre. In London in 1 hour 45. We can drive to the sea in 10 minutes and onto the mendips in 15. We are quiet but not remote and have great gyms and swimming pool. Lots of activities and although expensive it is cheaper than city centre. It’s ideal. Before they lived in a hamlet and both in late 60 s etc suddenly thought nope nope nope. And moved here we stayed here for a similiar reason. DH moved here and he loves it.

think about where YOU what to live for you

I want to be living my best life and not hanging around just in case I need to be a carer.

I'm really shocked at a lot of the responses you've had @Sadteacher . Of course you should be living your life! Your mum has a partner, so putting your life on hold for her is ridiculous. I'm widowed and I still wouldn't want my kids to live for my needs rather than theirs and my grandchildren.
If you're still going to be within an hour of your mum, I can't see the problem, frankly. I'd be upset if my kids moved abroad or to the other end of the country, but we're talking about an hour's journey, which means you can still see her regularly. One of my daughters is 45 minutes away and I still see her every week.

So I'd say go, if your life will be considerably better for it. And if grandchildren feature in your future, you'll be glad you did it.

"...just in case I need to be a carer"

The question is: would you actively want to be her carer, or do you feel under some sort of obligation? Because you do not have to take on this extremely onerous task if you don't want to.

And of course, the other thing might be that just at the very time she starts needing lots of support, your dc might be producing your grandchildren and possibly needing you to help with childcare so they can carry on working. You'll end up being pulled every which way by everyone else, and will lose yourself in the process.

I agree - it always surprises me how many people think that women should completely devote themselves to being carers for their parents, for as long as it takes and whatever it entails.

Live your life !

We retired and moved from living abroad to a village 20 minutes from my son and 90 minutes from my father in law. Being that far from father in law was quite difficult as he went downhill in his 90's and had several falls. Luckily husband has siblings living closer who took the brunt of caring for him. Son has now met, married and had his first child. He has moved to live 75 minutes away. Luckily we are happy to drive over to visit son and love the village where we live, but it is worth looking to the future when moving areas.

You already see your children a lot, and 80 minutes is nothing. What if your kids both get jobs hundreds of miles away? Because, they might......
Downsizing makes sense, but where are your friends, jobs, hobbies and activities? Those are the things that tie you to a place, not one or two people who may not be around in a few years'time, albeit for different reasons.
You need to widen your circle, not just narrow it down to immediate family.
Your kids can still visit you if you're in a town or city - they all have hotels!

PS But you are not responsible for your mother!

I would definitely move. Your mum could be independent for some time yet. You or your husband could become unwell at any point. Who knows what the world will be like in 5 years time. You’ve got to live in the moment.
The only thing I would be careful about is the downsizing. It is nice to have some space for family to stay sometimes

If you only see your mum a couple of times a month couldn't you still do that from your new location?

I’ve been through the aging / widowed / chronic health issues parent stage and it was tough when mum and dad were just 15 miles / 20 minutes away and with siblings to help. If she loses her partner she will become very dependent on you, before that happens hopefully they will be able to support each other.

It was tough but also a privilege to support mum once dad died, but if I had to make a choice I would have prioritised being near my dc.

if your mum lost her partner would there be an option for her to move closer to your new home?

1hr isn’t that far tbh move to the place your going to enjoy. Op your mum didn’t give birth so you could swap places when she needs you. Op what would you advise your own children if this was a reverse. Them to be happy live in a place that has everything they need and want or be miserable waiting for something to happen to you?

Absolutely prioritise your husband and kids and live your best life. Surely that is what you would want for your own DC?

Where do you want to live for you? You mentioned your mum, you children but not what you desires, friends, hobbies, lifestyle. Your dc are living their own lives, your mum isn’t the easiest so consider what’s right for you

Move where you want to live, that doesn’t need to be near any of them.

If you move near your kids you need to make it clear there is no obligation for them to continue living there if they want to move on. They shouldn’t be guilted into staying.

No way.

Her mum is 80 and has had her life.

The OP needs to start living her own life and not worry about her mum.

Her mum will have to arrange for carers not depend on the OP.