DS25 broke down in tears

[AnOop]

I have a DS who is a hard working young man and is doing decently well in his career (with a few hiccups and bumps along the way).

But he's opened up to me that for a while now he's been having anxiety (and a lot of it). He's been dealing with all sorts, existential dread, remembering bullying from primary and secondary (all the negative memories coming back), worried about what's the point of life and feeling sad he's still never had a girlfriend.

He feels a bit lost and empty in life. He has a lovely group of friends and they have so much fun together. But most of his friends are either in relationships or going on a multitude of dates with OLD apps.

He doesn't know what he wants to do. He's had urges to go travelling before. For a while last year he was set on Australia before changing his mind. If he could he'd like to work for a few months in an EU country but alas due to Brexit things are more difficult. He'd still like to go there on holiday.

He tells me he was happiest in sixth form and at uni. He had so much fun, was loving his studies for the most part and felt that things were building towards something bigger and better. He feels after leaving university life just hasn't been the same.

Is it possible he’s undiagnosed autistic? All this sort of thing hit me like a train when I was the same age as him.

I thought as well. He used to be super super shy as child. And find it difficult to socialise. He's a mature young man now. He told me his academic mentor at uni suggested he might be ND.

What extra curricular stuff does he do?

Why isn’t he OLD if his friends are?

He's tried. No matches.

Does eating out and trying different restaurants in the city count?

He does a sports club once a week and enjoys that.

Hi OP - it’s so so good that he has been able to speak to you!

If he’s up for trying medication I would get him to speak to his GP, anxiety medication for me has been amazing in terms of reducing my physical responses.

If he’s open minded to therapy I would also recommend - it really helps me with the mind side of things, combined with the tablets it’s a whole new life. I used private therapy via better help and then a local recommendation.

He can apply for a graduate degree or intensive language course in Europe and go live there on a student visa?

The student visas usually allow sufficient part time work to cover the essentials of the flat share, food and transport.

If he likes it there, he will be living there and so able to search for a job that comes with a skilled worker visa.

If that’s his dream to travel and work/study in the EU somewhere, help him towards that goal.

Same. I was happy in sixth form and uni as I had a degree of independence but within a very structured, goal-based system that contained routine and had clearly defined steps for achieving those goals. As soon as I didn't have that structure and routine, it all went a bit to shit because I didn't know how to function without it. Found out years later that I was ND and, while a diagnosis doesn't magically fix everything, it makes it easier to understand why I am the way I am and quantifies it for me.

Does he have any goals or aspirations? This can help as it provides something to work towards. Doesn't have to be massive but does have to be achievable. It could be working towards a promotion at work, or saving xx-amount for a holiday, doing couch to 5k and joining Park Run, etc.

What are his interests? Does he have any time on his schedule to do volunteering somewhere that he's interested in such as a museum, library, sporting event, or wherever? It'll help him meet new people and might even help him find a change in purpose.

Does he want to go back into academics? If he enjoyed it then further education such as an MA and then possibly a PhD might be an option? There are various finding avenues he could look into. He could even make a career of it.

And lastly, would some specialist input help? You can usually self-refer to NHS talking therapies and they will be able to help with some coping strategies.

OP it’s lovely that he has opened up to you.

I think instead of forcing a label upon him, practical help might be of more benefit to him.

can you sit down together and research some potential trips, look into some activities he can do/may be interested.

I imagine half of the issue is seeing his friends get in relationships & them spending less time together so that feels like life now is different to uni life. If he can find some activities he may make some new friends, planning a trip will give him something to work towards/be excited for

I would also look up some resources that may help how he feels.

mumsnet is very much wash your hands when they turn 18 but he has come to you and asked for help, I think that shows you have a lovely relationship

He already did his master's here and he knows a PhD isn't for him.

His work allowed a London -> EU transfer for a UK EU dual national but really depends on the manager.

A lot of countries offer a working holiday visa for young people. Maybe an adventure abroad would help him.

You can have more than one master’s degree and the student visas for intensive language courses are degree independent. There are loads of other options like various Fellowships that come with a visa, salary and accommodation.

I wonder why you thought he could only go if it was for a PhD?

It's a difficult stage of life. When I was 25 a book came out "The quarter life crisis".

I'm glad he can talk to you. Perhaps some counselling about the bullying - it can affect people more deeply than we sometimes think.

Ah poor lad. It's so hard when adult children are unhappy.
I agree, ignore the labels and focus on practical suggestions.
Is he happy in his career? Maybe it's not what he hoped. It's very hard watching all your friends pair up when you haven't met anyone but there's hop, it just happens later for some. The old fashioned advice about joining clubs and activities still works. Focus on friendship first then relationships.
He might agree to see a GP to talk over whether he needs treatment for his anxiety or not.

There's another thread on here of a mum who's mid 20s DDs can't find decent young men. It's no easier with all the apps around than it was years ago.

My son 25 has just been diagnosed with adhd. He said he always felt anxious at school, felt existential doom and masked, although growing up didn’t realise that was what he was doing.

As he already did the masters so I assumed next step would be the PhD.

Are you comfortable sharing his current job title/career field? I might be able to find a couple of websites to monitor for opportunities ?

Thing is he admits to me in sixth form all those squabbles went away and he was happy. He had not real resentment, people he had arguments with had apologised and made peace.

People were horrible to him in primary as he was one of the clever lads in the year (lots of jealousy). He went to a grammar school and assumed people would be like him. But this was just bullying from people who were smart.

He had a big fight around 11/12 years ago and gave a bully a black eye. But people were still horrible in the GCSE years. It was in sixth form he truly felt so happy.

If the lack of relationship is more of a problem than the career. And for some reason he doesn't come across well in OLD. Step one: ask a female friend to go through his OLD profile with him. But if that approach isn't for him and it can easily not be I'd suggest trying to start a new hobby that is majority female. Maybe local amateur dramatics -- if he wouldn't want to be on stage, there's a lot that needs help with backstage. Just try to make new friends. Many of whom are female. Might go somewhere. Often does.

Career wise he's overall happy. Made lots of impact at work and in the industry. Currently in a bit of a challenging period with a tough project.

He works in net-0 because he fell in love with the academic side of the field at university. At university DS loved the modules, would do extra reading, went to seminars and research events the PhD students and professors were hosting and loved it. Obviously in industry things are different and he feels what he does for a living gets bashed a lot by the right in the media.

An outside interest? Climbing sorted lots of problems for me in my twenties.

He does a sport once a week for the exercise.

You sound like a great mum and he's fortunate to be able to open up to you like he has. There are some good suggestions on here. Hope things work out for you both.💐

I think he is probably struggling with the transition to adult life where your friends take different paths to you after finally having found some stability in his social life. I was a bit like that at his age and clung onto my existing friendships. They are important but he needs to widen his circle.

I would encourage him to slowly start to widen his network e.g. a new hobby (climbing is a great idea, or a cooking class if he's a foodie?) and/or perhaps start to build up his professional network. Either in work if he's at a big employer or attending some national networks or events. Perhaps a short course could help to reignite his passion for his job. Or how about accessing some workplace coaching so he can think about what he wants his next steps to be. If he is at a really low ebb then maybe you could do something together initially to get him out and about - perhaps go to the odd exhibition or film together.