DS25 broke down in tears

[AnOop]

I have a DS who is a hard working young man and is doing decently well in his career (with a few hiccups and bumps along the way).

But he's opened up to me that for a while now he's been having anxiety (and a lot of it). He's been dealing with all sorts, existential dread, remembering bullying from primary and secondary (all the negative memories coming back), worried about what's the point of life and feeling sad he's still never had a girlfriend.

He feels a bit lost and empty in life. He has a lovely group of friends and they have so much fun together. But most of his friends are either in relationships or going on a multitude of dates with OLD apps.

He doesn't know what he wants to do. He's had urges to go travelling before. For a while last year he was set on Australia before changing his mind. If he could he'd like to work for a few months in an EU country but alas due to Brexit things are more difficult. He'd still like to go there on holiday.

He tells me he was happiest in sixth form and at uni. He had so much fun, was loving his studies for the most part and felt that things were building towards something bigger and better. He feels after leaving university life just hasn't been the same.

It's also really common for people who aren't neurodivergent to experience this during life changing times. I know ND is one option, but this is such a common experience amongst young people who aren't neurodivergent finding their feet - it doesn't have to be a sign of ND, or questioning your sexuality, or whatever, it's very often just part of the ups and downs of life.

He's thought about this a lot and he actually can. He has the academic qualifications necessary he just needs to improve skills in coding etc.

And no. He's not doubting his sexuality. He's had crushes on girls before and isn't attracted to guys. I know he's straight!

No. We need to all realise that autism is a much more common neurotype than anyone used to think and ND people are as different from each other as NT people are.

He's currently in a very challenging work period so I think it's making him feel worse.

It's bound to. Having interests outside of work to help him switch off and regain some balance will help, and doing things like yoga, mindfulness and meditation will also help him destress - he can find loads of really good stuff on Youtube or on apps like Calm.

The existential doom thoughts he has are, he's doing to die, so will everyone, life and the earth keep turning and keeps moving. But eventually civilisation will crumble. In millions of years we'll be forgotten.

Also the sheer size of the universe. As a kid he loved sci-fi and also loved the "real science" of space exploration. But he's come to realise we are never really going to explore the cosmos, be interstellar and see what is out there.

He's tried to reshape his thoughts that whilst he can't shape the galaxy he can make an impact on earth.

I think it's quite common at this age to have a bit of a slump.

I think there's so much expectation on young people to keep doing the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing to secure a happy and successful future. But then this long-aimed-for "future" arrives, and it's no great shakes.

I remember it happening to me. I'd just qualified as a primary school teacher, after lord knows how many years of schooling, about 6 months in, I was driving home from work, and it dawned on me, "Is this my life now? Is this the "future" I've been chasing since I was old enough to understand what it was?"

It was get up, go to work, come home, have dinner, watch a bit of telly, go to bed.

Whatever the amazing thing that was going to happen, when I reached "the future", was... I'd either missed it, or I was lied to.

Unfortunately, adult life is just pretty hum-drum, pretty much all of the time. But as you get older, you find pleasure in simple things that would have bored you as a teenager. And with "adult money", there's more opportunities to go to places and see things that you wouldn't have been able to do before.

Regarding relationships DS was hoping to meet someone naturally. He really liked a girl in sixth form and then liked someone at uni. Unfortunately they didn't feel the same way, but he tells me that were both lovely people and still remained friends.

He quite likes someone a work but he's hesitant to say.

Sounds like he's "demisexual". There might be excessive labelling of person types these days but it can be helpful to think through: he's only attracted to people he already knows, he already has a personal connection with. It's a completely fair way to be, but means that OLD is unlikely to work for him. I suggest you talk through with him how he might gently initiate a move with the woman at work, without creating a situation in which they'd both be uncomfortable if she's not interested.

If she's not interested, I repeat my suggestion that he find a new hobby that's majority female, so that he makes more new female friends.

Taking DS out today (just the 2 of us) to the big shopping centre. And then he'll meet his friends in the evening for boardgames, a nice walk and perhaps some dinner.

His very serious dwelling on issues will mean he comes across as a bit of a hairshirt. I’m sure there are young women who dwell on things to that extent but it’s at the extreme end.

Update from me. DS booked a few days off to extend the long weekend. Took himself out on some lovely sunny days out in central London. He had so much fun. The sun, the warmth and the beautiful scenery really rejuvenated him.

Ah lovely to hear! Could it have been a spot of SAD?

Oh that's great OP - you must be so relieved! Hope he's starting to turn a corner 😊

He's feeling a lot better. We went out for tacos yesterday (at a new restaurant) and then out for a concert with family in the evening. Some of his friends happened to be there as well and he enjoyed. He really liked the songs.

Works massively improved. His hard work has been recognised internally and externally as he finally has successfully delivered the projects he was working on. He's doing a lot better now.

Can I just say last weekend he had a spring in his step. He met up with lots of uni friends. Explored different parts of London and really enjoyed himself. Walking through parks, seeing all the greenery (and having good food as well)

He likes London but tells me he has an urge in him to see more major cities in Europe (especially in the summer). He wants to meet other people his age in those cities as well.

That's great news - it sounds like he's feeling a lot more positive 😊