DS25 broke down in tears

[AnOop]

I have a DS who is a hard working young man and is doing decently well in his career (with a few hiccups and bumps along the way).

But he's opened up to me that for a while now he's been having anxiety (and a lot of it). He's been dealing with all sorts, existential dread, remembering bullying from primary and secondary (all the negative memories coming back), worried about what's the point of life and feeling sad he's still never had a girlfriend.

He feels a bit lost and empty in life. He has a lovely group of friends and they have so much fun together. But most of his friends are either in relationships or going on a multitude of dates with OLD apps.

He doesn't know what he wants to do. He's had urges to go travelling before. For a while last year he was set on Australia before changing his mind. If he could he'd like to work for a few months in an EU country but alas due to Brexit things are more difficult. He'd still like to go there on holiday.

He tells me he was happiest in sixth form and at uni. He had so much fun, was loving his studies for the most part and felt that things were building towards something bigger and better. He feels after leaving university life just hasn't been the same.

If he wants to travel: could he negotiate with his boss to spend a period of time working completely remotely, which could allow him to be a digital nomad in Europe for a bit? I'm a similar age to your son and my friend did this recently, she used the website 'trusted house sitters' to find places to stay for free. Her boss allowed her to do this for three months.

Definitely get him to see his GP first of all to rule out or treat depression.
He could look on the Meet up app to find like minded people and loads of different local activities. My adult DS found himself unexpectedly single and met his current GF at a local Spanish Meet Up group. He's never been happier. Good luck to him

I just wonder what the deleted comments contained.

I really feel for him - I’ve managed quite a few people of that age and slightly older who have struggled and felt a bit lost.

Its great to hear he enjoyed sixth form and uni - was it the learning, or the sense of having found his tribe do you think?

If it’s the latter he might benefit from a social group around an activity so he feels like he belongs - that could be anything from something creative, outdoors or sports.

It might also help to have a plan for saving up some leave to go travelling, even if that’s not in the next year. It’s something to aim for and focus on. Good luck to him and you (you sound like a lovely supportive mum).

There short stay jobs or charity work, abroad in a wide spectrum of fields (!& buildings probably!) eg.1 of mine did a wildlife researching 4mths in Madagascar amongst other things!

Aw bless him, I'm sorry to hear he's struggling, @AnOop

How is he about his sexuality? Any confusion? Anything that jumps out at you as to why he'd get no matches?

Off the top of my head I'd say that maybe he could increase the amount he does his sport or take up a new hobby? Something that would have him around more men or women he'd be interested in? I'm not saying romantic love solves anything but if he's feeling insecure about it, and all his friends are settling down, it certainly won't be helping his mood!

I have no idea if there are opportunities he'd enjoy in Ireland but it might be worth looking into? Not very different to the UK but a change of scenery and somewhere that doesn't have the same hassle re: visas as the rest of the EU.

An environmental hobby or volunteer position might align with both social need and career if he’s in net zero?

I’d look to increase his club attendance or join a gym.

he could always join a language club and learn a language and then travel with that?

He’s also increasing his chances of meeting new people if he attends a few differing environments a week

Nearly every charity is desperate to get young people on its board of trustees. If he has knowledge of net-0 he could help an environmental charity perhaps? Contributing to a common good is a good way to help relieve anxiety. I feel for him.

Your twenties can be monumentally shit - so much pressure to be sorted, to have a good career, a wide circle of friends, lots of dating opportunities or a partner, your own place, travel etc etc. For many, many young people that's just not the way it is - the security of school or uni has gone, you may br working in an office where you're the only young person, your friends may be scattered across the country as they move for jobs, you may not be dating or have a partner, your earnings are limited etc etc. It often takes a long time to find yourself and to feel comfortable and confident with who you are.

I've got 2 in their late twenties and what he's feeling is far from unique, nor is it always a sign of autism or of being unsure of your sexuality. One of my DC has struggled, many of both DCs' friends have too. If he's interested in travelling then go for it - Australia is full of young people on short term visas who are working and travelling. Does he have career break type things at work? Or is remote working abroad a possibility? DC1 has met lots of people doing this in Oz, not all outgoing or confident, far from it, and there are lots of ex pat meet up groups - he would love it. Or - MeetUp on facebook is great for finding new people with similar interests in your area.

Tell him he's doing great - it just takes time to find yourself place and your people at that age.

25 hit me like a train, at uni etc life was really fun and it felt like the whole world is waiting, at 25 I just felt like I hadn't reached the potential I'd expected I'd been made redundant had to move back in with parents, was back working in a job I'd done when I was a student but knowing what my life was going to be again but this time it wasn't the exciting unknown it was huge disappointment. In the year that followed I got a job that led to the successful career I have now, bought my first flat and started dating now DH, by 30 I was very happy with my lot. I think 25 for those who go to uni can feel like a point to take stock and a lot of my friends felt the same, but you have to moderate your expectations in the 2/3 years post graduation. Not everything happens quickly.

I wouldn't jump to diagnose him the feeling is common. He needs to set a goal could he look for a job or study opportunity abroad?

It's really good he's talking to you

This needs a bit more exploration as it's possible for almost anyone to get some matches on OLD. It could be that his profile isn't very appealing it or (more likely) it could be that he has his sights set too high and is only selecting v attractive women himself. This is very common amongst young men. If so, he needs to broaden his criteria and just get out there on some dates even if he doesn't see an instant attraction.

I think it's common to feel odd at this age or whenever you leave education and have been working for a bit. Kind of "What now? Is this it?" and adulting not being quite as much fun as you thought it would be combined with a loss of purpose as you no longer have the obvious goal of passing exams etc. Also a feeling that some doors are now closed to you, rather than life feeling full of endless possibilities.

I agree with this. Have ypu had a look at his profile? Is it putting him in his best light? Is he being realistic about who he likes?

The thing is, and I know it's a huge cliche, but you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to (I paraphrase, but ykwim!). Dating etc will come, but it sounds as the moment like he needs to focus on what is going to make him happier in himself.

This is a great suggestion. I had a really difficult time in my mid-twenties and joining an amateur drama group did wonders for my social life and self-esteem.
For some people it's a really hard age because you're still figuring out who you are and what you want from life. There's also often pressure from expectations you're trying to live up to without realising that what you want from life is actually something else. It doesn't automatically mean you're ND. NT people can struggle in life as well.
He's so lucky he can talk to you about this!

I got over that feeling by continually learning new things whether formally or informally. Though it helped that I worked a little then went back to studying for a year and then got married and qualified as a solicitor at 28. Then had a baby just before I was 30. That gave me something else to focus on and an obvious purpose! I'd met DH at work in my first longer term job (6 month contract) temping in London after university. I was absolutely not looking for a relationship as I'd just barely come out of one. And DH was 27, I was 23 when we met.

Any meetups locally job related stuff? Dh and Ds are always going to meetups together as they are in the same industry. They chat to people from other companies and Ds found it gave him a lot more confidence in talking to randoms as he calls them. Google meetups and his field of work.

I also think trying another activity might help too. Have a look at what is going on locally. Have a look on Reddit for your local area. Near us there are things like board games clubs, walking clubs for younger folk, indoor rock climbing clubs. I think getting him out there meeting people or volunteering in something might help.

He is only 25, to him it might seem like he needs his life figured out but he doesn't. Have a look at his OLD profile with him to see how it presents too. What I will say is it is great he talked to you about it.

First post?

Autistic.

My life we need to get over this and move on

Say what?

This is normal - I went through this myself at that age. I felt like after working on my undergraduate degree and masters I was a small fish within the nice cosy education system dumped into the big sea with no aim and direction. Completely lost. I must admit I never did find my footing, I travelled a little alone and I tried to study - eventually married and had lots of children and they grounded me.

I guess this is the period where there is a pressure to decide what to do with one’s life. He is probably going into crisis and re-hashing bullying because he is trying to decide who he is and he is re-hashing memories for that. It is really stressful and can be depressing, so like many comments have said, it is important to get out there and do anything at all to discover what makes him tick (art, sports, drama, science, travelling - you name it!). By finding out about himself he can build himself up, and this will help with meeting interesting people along the way.

Good luck, it is a difficult time.

It's pretty normal isn't it? I mean, life outside of being spoon-fed learning is a shock. DS25 is still young. the solution is to try things he's curious about. different jobs, travel etc

They are allowed 4 weeks in a year to do this.

He really liked the subjects. He found that everyone in the year got on, he had a great group of friends, he loved the banter at school and looked forward to seeing everyone everyday.

He really loved uni, made great friends and memories in hall. And in final year really fell in love with the area of the subject that interested him most. He liked the university environment, academic field and the hub of knowledge it was.

Is there an option for him to work at a university, not doing further study, but a role in net zero? That might be a good option?

It's not at all uncommon for autism and other forms of neurodivergence to become apparent during transitional life changes such as when the structure and predictability of an educational setting falls away. Education has clear routines and defined expectations whereas adulthood demands a higher degree of self-direction, social navigation, and tolerance for uncertainty. For people who have been compensating or masking without even realising, the increased complexity of life alongside less structure makes the effort required to maintain that masking unsustainable. Sudden inability to cope in these cases is the result of the mask slipping due to pressure. It is especially common in people who have been academically-able as they have had that to focus on, once it's removed then burn-out quickly sets in.

It's nothing to do with wanting to diagnose everyone or putting a label on people. It's just raising it as a possibly with the OP. I spent several years thinking I was just a shit adult who couldn't cope with life, that I was somehow defective, I felt like I didn't fit in, was constantly out of step with everyone else. Except what I actually had was a neurodevelopment condition and, once I knew that, so many things clicked into place for me and I was able to start making the adjustments I needed to be able to thrive.