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Original poster

I don't understand how people can give up their career and be a stay at home parent ?

559 replies

lolstevelol · 29/03/2026 19:22

You risk losing career progression, especially as jobs change so rapidly due to technology. The role you were doing a few years ago might look completely different today. Securing a stable office job is much harder now than it used to be.

You also miss out on pension contributions, which is a significant factor. Losing 5–10 years of contributions and compounding can be the difference between retiring at 58 and having to work until or beyond the state pension age.

Generally speaking, supporting a family on a single income while working can be more stressful than being a stay-at-home parent. Even when the job itself is manageable, workplace environments can be toxic, which can create tension and resentment between the working parent and the stay-at-home parent.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 10:19

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 10:11

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a nice lifestyle as opposed to one that is ‘simple’.
Men NEVER get criticised for earning money. Yet when a mother chooses to work we get accused of working for luxuries and told we should sacrifice those ‘luxuries’ and if we don’t then we must be terrible mothers.
My wage contributes to mortgage and bills in the same way my husband’s wage does. Which, incidentally is part of being a responsible parent.

I grew up poor and in a house where things had to be sacrificed because we simply didn’t have money. I wanted a different life for my DS.

Show quote history

I grew up similar and it was so my mum could be a SAHM. I don't want my DC to have a 'simple' lifestyle, I certainly didn't find it enjoyable growing up and I'm glad I can provide more for my DC.

I enjoy earning money to give DC more opportunities and I'm not going to apologise for that because I have a vagina.

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 10:20

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 10:19

I grew up similar and it was so my mum could be a SAHM. I don't want my DC to have a 'simple' lifestyle, I certainly didn't find it enjoyable growing up and I'm glad I can provide more for my DC.

I enjoy earning money to give DC more opportunities and I'm not going to apologise for that because I have a vagina.

Edited
Show quote history

And your children will probably reject the whole thing and want to go and live in a yurt in Somerset and eat berries
Whatever you do, your kids tend to want the opposite in my experience.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 10:21

Amitooldforcbeebies · 04/04/2026 10:15

I understand completely if you have to work and there’s no way round it, I did after a while around my Dd and do now but I hate it and wish I didn’t have to

Show quote history

Why is only acceptable if you have to work?
Lots of women want to work. And that’s okay too.

I enjoy my job and I have invested a lot of time and money in getting this job. I can do it AND be a great parent. It doesn’t have to be either/or.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General money
SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 10:21

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 10:20

And your children will probably reject the whole thing and want to go and live in a yurt in Somerset and eat berries
Whatever you do, your kids tend to want the opposite in my experience.

Show quote history

That's children for you! 😂

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 10:22

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 10:20

And your children will probably reject the whole thing and want to go and live in a yurt in Somerset and eat berries
Whatever you do, your kids tend to want the opposite in my experience.

Show quote history

And?

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 10:25

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 10:21

Why is only acceptable if you have to work?
Lots of women want to work. And that’s okay too.

I enjoy my job and I have invested a lot of time and money in getting this job. I can do it AND be a great parent. It doesn’t have to be either/or.

Show quote history

This too.

I worked hard to get to the level I'm at which also includes a lot of flexibility. If I went part time or took time out for a few years, getting back there would be unlikely and I'd also lose my flexibility.

You can be a good parent but also enjoy your career too. I'm not sure why it only applies to fathers.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 10:35

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 10:25

This too.

I worked hard to get to the level I'm at which also includes a lot of flexibility. If I went part time or took time out for a few years, getting back there would be unlikely and I'd also lose my flexibility.

You can be a good parent but also enjoy your career too. I'm not sure why it only applies to fathers.

Show quote history

Exactly.
I also have a significant amount of flexibility which means it works well around a family.

I travel with work occasionally and I’ve lost count of how many people who ask me how I do it with a family or ask who is babysitting. My DH does a very similar job but nobody has ever said those things to him.

Incidentally, my DS loves my job. He’s travelled with me on numerous occasions and even if he doesn’t come with me he loves that I get to visit places like China, Japan, Thailand etc and that I bring him presents home!

Bryonyberries · 04/04/2026 11:04

I couldn’t stay home as I ended up a single parent but I would have loved to be a stay at home parent. Luckily I had a term time job until the youngest reach secondary age.

The house is much calmer when someone is able to be at home. During the holidays I could slow down, make a nice meal each night rather than scrambling about exhausted. I could give them proper attention and take them out places rather than weekends being catch up on housework. It just ran so much better.

Having a career is great but I don’t think you can give 100% to either work or home/kids when you are working full time with a young family. I feel that many people are stretched to their limits including the children who have to spend long hours in childcare.

It is interesting that more and more young people are deciding to stay child free. They need the money because of high cost of living so need jobs/careers but aren’t willing to make that compromise of juggling everything. These could well be the children that spent long hours in childcare and after school clubs themselves and have decided they don’t want to repeat this with their own children. They will have seen how exhausting it is to try and have it all. Until we become a society that respects the family unit again I think we will continue to see low birth rates in the coming years.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 11:21

Having a career is great but I don’t think you can give 100% to either work or home/kids when you are working full time with a young family. I feel that many people are stretched to their limits including the children who have to spend long hours in childcare.

I’m not sure you mean to sound so patronising but I have to disagree with this. For a start, the concept of giving everything 100% is flawed. Nobody gives everything 100% all of the time and striving for that is a recipe for disaster.
It is possible to perform well in your career and be a brilliant parent. I find the suggestion that it’s impossible to be quite insulting if I’m honest.
Funny how lots of men manage to do both isn’t it?

It is interesting that more and more young people are deciding to stay child free. They need the money because of high cost of living so need jobs/careers but aren’t willing to make that compromise of juggling everything. These could well be the children that spent long hours in childcare and after school clubs themselves and have decided they don’t want to repeat this with their own children. They will have seen how exhausting it is to try and have it all. Until we become a society that respects the family unit again I think we will continue to see low birth rates in the coming years.

Do you have any evidence that the low birth rate is due to adults choosing not to have children because their mother worked and they had to spend time in childcare?
Because this doesn’t feature in any of the research I’m familiar with.

One of the reasons can be attributed to greater empowerment, education and career opportunities for women who are then choosing to delay or opt out of marriage and children.
There’s also the fact women have greater access to contraception.
Other reasons include economic factors and concerns about the environment and political situation.

No mention of women choosing to go back to work and using childcare.

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 11:25

Nobody has been under any illusions that men are brilliant parents whilst holding down positions of responsibility
Whilst to a degree, I accept the hundred percent analogy
100% is most definitely expected of those entering the workforce at the moment my early 20s children couldn’t manage to keep a house plan alive with their workload concurrently
However, what I advise them is to get as far up that career ladder as possible so that they are able to recommend a certain amount of flexibility
And acquire assets that mean your physical presence in the business isn’t necessarily what’s going to be paying for your bills

Arran2024 · 04/04/2026 11:25

My dad worked away from home for six weeks at a time when I was a child - he got made redundant when I went to uni and got a local job but by then it was too late for me.

I hated him working away. He missed so many Christmases, birthdays. My mum was an angry, nervous wreck when he was away and bitter and furious when he was at home. Life was tricky because we had two separate lifestyles - one when he was home and one when he was away.

I think i left work to stay at home partly to create the seamless family lifestyle I never got. So, every day was similar in that I was there - i tried part time working but I didn't like the chopping and changing.

I was expected to feel grateful for all the sacrifices my dad was making for us. We did have a nice standard of living, but it came at a price.

I think I was also trying to show my mother how to be a good stay at home mum. She was never that involved with us kids, focused purely on housework. I think I had ideas about how to do it better!

I also had teo tricky adopted children who couldn't cope with childcare and who frankly needed a stay at home parent. And I wanted the children to have a relaxed, outdoorsy experience, especially after all they had been through.

So many reasons - I also had a big job in the City which I just couldn't manage on topnof everything, even though they were incredibly kind to me. And I had had enough of the commuting.

I am not saying it is for everyone. But it is 100%right for some people.

G5000 · 04/04/2026 11:32

I mentioned it earlier that I have never understood the snobbery about having a comfortable life. Is it really always the children benefitting from that simple life or is it the parent believing it's more noble and morally superior?
I do not believe that offering my DC opportunities, stability and yes also enjoyment, expanding their horizons is somehow evil and selfish.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 11:34

Arran2024 · 04/04/2026 11:25

My dad worked away from home for six weeks at a time when I was a child - he got made redundant when I went to uni and got a local job but by then it was too late for me.

I hated him working away. He missed so many Christmases, birthdays. My mum was an angry, nervous wreck when he was away and bitter and furious when he was at home. Life was tricky because we had two separate lifestyles - one when he was home and one when he was away.

I think i left work to stay at home partly to create the seamless family lifestyle I never got. So, every day was similar in that I was there - i tried part time working but I didn't like the chopping and changing.

I was expected to feel grateful for all the sacrifices my dad was making for us. We did have a nice standard of living, but it came at a price.

I think I was also trying to show my mother how to be a good stay at home mum. She was never that involved with us kids, focused purely on housework. I think I had ideas about how to do it better!

I also had teo tricky adopted children who couldn't cope with childcare and who frankly needed a stay at home parent. And I wanted the children to have a relaxed, outdoorsy experience, especially after all they had been through.

So many reasons - I also had a big job in the City which I just couldn't manage on topnof everything, even though they were incredibly kind to me. And I had had enough of the commuting.

I am not saying it is for everyone. But it is 100%right for some people.

And that’s the point isn’t it?
You do what works for your family and your specific situation.

Your dad chose a job that took him away for weeks at a time and meant he missed Christmas and birthdays. I can understand why that would mean you want something different.

Both me and DH travel for work but it’s 2-3 times a year and never for more than 10 days at a time. Neither of us would ever be away for Christmas or birthdays - that’s a non negotiable.
But we waited until we were senior enough in our careers before starting a family so that we had control over these things. It’s also meant we’ve never missed a school play, assembly, sports day, music performance etc.

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 11:59

G5000 · 04/04/2026 11:32

I mentioned it earlier that I have never understood the snobbery about having a comfortable life. Is it really always the children benefitting from that simple life or is it the parent believing it's more noble and morally superior?
I do not believe that offering my DC opportunities, stability and yes also enjoyment, expanding their horizons is somehow evil and selfish.

Of course it isn’t. I think it’s fair to say though it’s for you not for them. They don’t care.
They don’t know any different, you do.
But then I’ve always been of their opinion that their childhood is your motherhood and you have as much right to enjoy it as they do if not more. You only get one motherhood.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 12:06

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 11:59

Of course it isn’t. I think it’s fair to say though it’s for you not for them. They don’t care.
They don’t know any different, you do.
But then I’ve always been of their opinion that their childhood is your motherhood and you have as much right to enjoy it as they do if not more. You only get one motherhood.

Show quote history

And not everyone’s ideal motherhood involves staying at home. It’s not for everyone.
I can honestly say that me staying at home would have resulted in a worse childhood for my son.

G5000 · 04/04/2026 12:11

They don’t care.
as babies, no I guess they wouldn't. But as a child, if you can never have or do anything nice, if parents can't afford your hobbies or school trips, if you have one nice dress that you wear from age 6-12 - a child, never mind a teenager, may care.

Good point about enjoying motherhood though as well, which is often forgotten. When DC1 got into Greek mythology and asked to go to Athens, or when DC2 started getting an interest in aviation and I took them to an A380 flight stimulator experience - that brought me a lot of joy. Toddler finger painting class honestly did not.

Arran2024 · 04/04/2026 12:17

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 11:34

And that’s the point isn’t it?
You do what works for your family and your specific situation.

Your dad chose a job that took him away for weeks at a time and meant he missed Christmas and birthdays. I can understand why that would mean you want something different.

Both me and DH travel for work but it’s 2-3 times a year and never for more than 10 days at a time. Neither of us would ever be away for Christmas or birthdays - that’s a non negotiable.
But we waited until we were senior enough in our careers before starting a family so that we had control over these things. It’s also meant we’ve never missed a school play, assembly, sports day, music performance etc.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. The thread is about why some people stay at home and I'm just giving a perspective. I should add that my husband earned enough for us to have a decent lifestyle - we weren't on the breadline by any means.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 12:32

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 11:59

Of course it isn’t. I think it’s fair to say though it’s for you not for them. They don’t care.
They don’t know any different, you do.
But then I’ve always been of their opinion that their childhood is your motherhood and you have as much right to enjoy it as they do if not more. You only get one motherhood.

Show quote history

I cared. I doubt I was the only older child/teenager to want more than just the very basics. In fact, I don't know many kids who don't enjoy treats, holidays, clubs etc.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 12:37

G5000 · 04/04/2026 12:11

They don’t care.
as babies, no I guess they wouldn't. But as a child, if you can never have or do anything nice, if parents can't afford your hobbies or school trips, if you have one nice dress that you wear from age 6-12 - a child, never mind a teenager, may care.

Good point about enjoying motherhood though as well, which is often forgotten. When DC1 got into Greek mythology and asked to go to Athens, or when DC2 started getting an interest in aviation and I took them to an A380 flight stimulator experience - that brought me a lot of joy. Toddler finger painting class honestly did not.

Edited

I can relate.

I've enjoyed my DC the older they get so far, still a long way to go as my eldest is only 3 but I'm much more looking forward to having older DC.

My young DC wouldn't benefit from me as a SAHM because I'd be miserable.

pointythings · 04/04/2026 13:25

Amitooldforcbeebies · 04/04/2026 10:15

I understand completely if you have to work and there’s no way round it, I did after a while around my Dd and do now but I hate it and wish I didn’t have to

Show quote history

There is nothing wrong with wanting to work as a mother.

pointythings · 04/04/2026 13:30

Bryonyberries · 04/04/2026 11:04

I couldn’t stay home as I ended up a single parent but I would have loved to be a stay at home parent. Luckily I had a term time job until the youngest reach secondary age.

The house is much calmer when someone is able to be at home. During the holidays I could slow down, make a nice meal each night rather than scrambling about exhausted. I could give them proper attention and take them out places rather than weekends being catch up on housework. It just ran so much better.

Having a career is great but I don’t think you can give 100% to either work or home/kids when you are working full time with a young family. I feel that many people are stretched to their limits including the children who have to spend long hours in childcare.

It is interesting that more and more young people are deciding to stay child free. They need the money because of high cost of living so need jobs/careers but aren’t willing to make that compromise of juggling everything. These could well be the children that spent long hours in childcare and after school clubs themselves and have decided they don’t want to repeat this with their own children. They will have seen how exhausting it is to try and have it all. Until we become a society that respects the family unit again I think we will continue to see low birth rates in the coming years.

Oh so much nonsense here...

My kids had nice homecooked meals each night. Because back then, my husband wasn't an abusive alcoholic. He genuinely pulled his weight at home and did his share. Were we tired at the end of the day? Sure. That's normal. Were we so shattered and exhausted that we couldn't prioritise the DC? Hell no.

And my DC don't want children, but that is not because they spend long hours in childcare. It's because they see an overpopulated world that is politically and environmentally on fire, and they don't want to bring children into that. I fully respect that. If I were them, I wouldn't be having children either. Your conclusion here is a reach that will let you grab something off a shelf on the other side of the world and again, it's blaming working women.

Respecting the family unit doesn't mean turning back the clock.

G5000 · 04/04/2026 13:43

Until we become a society that respects the family unit again

can you explain what you mean by that? Genuine question.

blueshoes · 04/04/2026 14:06

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 11:21

Having a career is great but I don’t think you can give 100% to either work or home/kids when you are working full time with a young family. I feel that many people are stretched to their limits including the children who have to spend long hours in childcare.

I’m not sure you mean to sound so patronising but I have to disagree with this. For a start, the concept of giving everything 100% is flawed. Nobody gives everything 100% all of the time and striving for that is a recipe for disaster.
It is possible to perform well in your career and be a brilliant parent. I find the suggestion that it’s impossible to be quite insulting if I’m honest.
Funny how lots of men manage to do both isn’t it?

It is interesting that more and more young people are deciding to stay child free. They need the money because of high cost of living so need jobs/careers but aren’t willing to make that compromise of juggling everything. These could well be the children that spent long hours in childcare and after school clubs themselves and have decided they don’t want to repeat this with their own children. They will have seen how exhausting it is to try and have it all. Until we become a society that respects the family unit again I think we will continue to see low birth rates in the coming years.

Do you have any evidence that the low birth rate is due to adults choosing not to have children because their mother worked and they had to spend time in childcare?
Because this doesn’t feature in any of the research I’m familiar with.

One of the reasons can be attributed to greater empowerment, education and career opportunities for women who are then choosing to delay or opt out of marriage and children.
There’s also the fact women have greater access to contraception.
Other reasons include economic factors and concerns about the environment and political situation.

No mention of women choosing to go back to work and using childcare.

Edited

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt, this 💯

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 15:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2026 12:32

I cared. I doubt I was the only older child/teenager to want more than just the very basics. In fact, I don't know many kids who don't enjoy treats, holidays, clubs etc.

Edited
Show quote history

Most people returned to work by the time the children got to high school.
That’s almost a given
I assumed we were talking about little DC

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 04/04/2026 15:28

Solutionssought2026 · 04/04/2026 15:18

Most people returned to work by the time the children got to high school.
That’s almost a given
I assumed we were talking about little DC

Show quote history

People underestimate the impact a significant career break can have. I see it on here all of the time, the assumption that removing yourself from the labour market for years won’t make a difference and that you can you go back when you feel like it.
In reality, this is a major reason why the gender pay gap still exists.

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