I don't understand how people can give up their career and be a stay at home parent ?

[lolstevelol]

You risk losing career progression, especially as jobs change so rapidly due to technology. The role you were doing a few years ago might look completely different today. Securing a stable office job is much harder now than it used to be.

You also miss out on pension contributions, which is a significant factor. Losing 5–10 years of contributions and compounding can be the difference between retiring at 58 and having to work until or beyond the state pension age.

Generally speaking, supporting a family on a single income while working can be more stressful than being a stay-at-home parent. Even when the job itself is manageable, workplace environments can be toxic, which can create tension and resentment between the working parent and the stay-at-home parent.

I would not describe someone with an EYFS level 3 as having “minimal education” - that is extremely dismissive. Most parents have zero qualifications in childcare.

I worked full time from when both DC were 10 months. They never got put in childcare 8-6. We both compressed hours (5 days to 4) so they were only in 3 days a week for a start and then we worked around their schedule so they had shorter days. We didn't have grandparents around and they had such a great time in nursery. The children they were with are like siblings and the key workers are like lovely aunts we still see regularly 10 years later.

I worked my arse off to get qualified in what I do and I don't want my DC seeing me to discarding that to be dependent on DH.

If you have daughters what do you tell them? Don't bother going to school or uni because you'll have to give it all up anyway if you want to be a parent?

Nothing can be like the mother tbh

It’s not about that is it? You love your own children, more than anyone on earth…a child care worker doesn’t..some are great, lots are not sadly. It’s a job at the end of the day, how can you fully trust, nothing is like a mothers love

What about a father’s love?
And you don’t need (or want) your childcare provider to love them like a mother. You need them to be qualified, competent, caring and compassionate.

A lot of people would say the same of grandparents over qualified childcare workers but the grandparent options we had would have involved 8 hours of cbeebies and a plate of nuggets and haribo. Nothing like a grandparent's love.

No, not at all. I went to college & university, worked hard in my career for 16 years, had Dd and spent the formative years with her. I kept my foot in the door with v part time work from 4 when she went to Pre school and now work more hours in the career I trained in, during school hours. Education is very important and she knows and sees that, but family is more important

The mother-baby/child relationship is above all else, there’s no point pretending it isn’t

Mum is best

This is very privileged though and is very very unlikely to be an option for your DD given the dire state of the job market which will only get worse. There's a real push back on part time working in my industry too. Why get a return to worker on 3 days when they can pay a separate graduate 1/5th of the salary for full time? Presumably though if you have done well in your career you can at least pay off her loans and mortgage and give her more freedom to choose.

Depends on the mum, surely.

Are you suggesting that someone who chooses to continue working when they have children doesn’t view their family as as important compared to a SAHP?
Do you apply this logic to working dad’s?
What about the part of parenting that involves providing a home and food for your children? Is that not important too?

In your experience.
My child has a mum and dad that have equally strong relationships with him. There’s no hierarchy in our family.

All of the time? Because that’s not true.

So many factors,; some in a great career change their minds and if they can afford do then that's fine. Most of us do go back to our careers after maternity, ft or pt depending on circumstances. I felt fortunate to be able to go back 3 days a week. I'd longed to be a Mum for a long time and felt happy I could do bith. At the time my earnings were higher than DH but I jad started to hate parts of my job before this and money wasn't the be all and end all as we could live comfortably.

This is one of those threads that people are deeply offended by other views, instead of accepting that everyone is different.

The op has initiated the fight by saying she can’t understand why sahm give up careers to look after their children, and yet when sahm mothers defend themselves (using similar language) , they are unfairly crucified.

Then there those who are caught in the crossfire, and are in the middle - working mothers who’d like to be SAHP, and SAHP who take this route due to having disabled children etc.

As so someone said upthread. She can’t really understand why people would want to watch Game of Thrones, but accepts that everyone is different.

I fully support women having choices.
If you want to be a SAHM then great! I wouldn’t dream of judging you.

What I do object to is people suggesting that working mothers aren’t prioritising their children or that they are essentially neglecting them by going out to work. It’s completely uncalled for.

There is obviously a huge spectrum. At one end are some of the parents at the nursery where my daughter works - kids in at 3 months, 5 days a week, 8 til 6.

My daughter worked for a while as a nanny for a couple where she had full responsibility for their child from 9 til 5 every day while they worked and at the weekends the child stayed with her grandparents while the parents shopped, went to the gym, socialised. They barely saw her.

I had a big job back in the day and knew quite a few colleagues who hated being a parent and were pretty open about it. They would have one child and loads of childcare.

So at one end of the spectrum you have the SAHMs and at the other the workaholics/avoidant parents.

I guess the thing is to make sure the children are safe and cared for. Parents who aren't very keen on parenting are probably best not being SAHMs and their children are probably better off that way too!

Btw some SAHMs don't see thst much of their kids either. There are SAHMs at my daughter's nursery who don't work but still use ft nursery. Some have nannies too!

Nobody is pretending. But there is no one correct way of being a mother. However much you might want there to be. All over the planet, working women raise happy, successful, healthy young people who become functional, happy adults. It doesn't always go right - but then it doesn't always go right for SAHMs either, for lots of reasons.

Life is complicated. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just live and let live, and put away the superiority complex?

Bottom line: I am not a worse mother than you just because I always worked full time. I'm not a better mother either.

Yes I know lots of the above and the sahm’s using the nursery a few days a week for time to themselves at home

I don’t disagree with your second paragraph.

Fathers, as well as mothers?

A happy, fulfilled, mentally well parent is best. A miserable parent struggling with their mental health and not feeling fulfilled isn't beneficial for a child.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤣
no because years ago men earned a lot more than women and child care wasn’t really an option, you’d have found the mums that went back to work would often get a job for a few hours in the evenings!

Yes, and it was no utopia for very many women. Without an income of their own, they were often powerless to leave bad marriages.

My mum worked evenings in teacher training from when my Dsis and I were very young (late 60s/early 70s) because she wanted to keep her hand in to return to secondary teaching when we were old enough. My dad fully supported her in this. She did not enjoy the SAHM years but didn't have a choice.

We should be glad that women have more choices and more freedom now - whether that is being a SAHM or working.