I don't understand how people can give up their career and be a stay at home parent ?

[lolstevelol]

You risk losing career progression, especially as jobs change so rapidly due to technology. The role you were doing a few years ago might look completely different today. Securing a stable office job is much harder now than it used to be.

You also miss out on pension contributions, which is a significant factor. Losing 5–10 years of contributions and compounding can be the difference between retiring at 58 and having to work until or beyond the state pension age.

Generally speaking, supporting a family on a single income while working can be more stressful than being a stay-at-home parent. Even when the job itself is manageable, workplace environments can be toxic, which can create tension and resentment between the working parent and the stay-at-home parent.

Why do people bother to have children? Have children become commodities to 'get' and discard in the same way that tables and chairs are?

You can’t ensure your children’s financial security like I’m insured up to the eyeballs to make sure that my kids get a chunk when I die. But they could put it all on the 340 at Cheltenham. There’s nothing I can do to prevent that.
I think they’ll be okay, but ensure is not a word you can use

It wouldn’t be for us, we both have decentish careers, we made sure we had careers that brought financial stability. That meant when I was a single parent I didn’t need to panic how I was paying the mortgage that month, if I had decided to be unemployed we would have lost our home very quickly, we would also have had to move area. I also likely wouldn’t have been approved to become our sons parent.

Now as a married couple we make sure we’re both earning, I was made redundant in november, it meant we didn’t have to panic as we weren’t losing the only income. It also meant I didn’t have to take the first job I found, we could wait until the right job came along.

We also both agree that it isn’t appropriate to put the pressure of financially providing on one person. I also find it strange when someone claims children need to be with their parents, yet one of their childs parents is at work for almost all of their childs wake hours. We both work three days a week, my husband works from home, I work from the office as I focus better there. Due to that we don’t need any wrap around care during the two days a week our four year old attends pre-school. We planned our working lives around having children, rather than having them and then going “oh shit”. It also means there isn’t a primary parent and there isn’t a parent who is absent 8-6 everyday.

I hate all this mum bashing. I work compressed full time hours. As the bread winner we tried me reducing hours when my eldest was little but although I loved the extra time with him I missed out on promotions and we couldn’t afford to move. Where we lived there was a lot of anti social behaviour, we had spoons used for drugs thrown into our garden, next door assaulted another neighbour and the nearest school was dire. DH worked for the emergency services and shifts were hard to request a change to a family friendly pattern. Since then I increased my hours so we now live in a friendly, safe neighbourhood with good local schools. I have had a promotion so we can also afford for the kids to go to a club or two each, have family holidays etc. I absolutely wish I could spend more time with my kids but I’ve made what I hope is the best decision for our family. I work my arse off and can do a small amount of school runs and have a day with my youngest. I buy extra holiday so I can spend time with my eldest during school hols. I also can’t lie, I enjoy my job and building my pension and getting recognition and qualifications.

Someone I know shared a post yesterday that said “I’m there for every school drop off and pick up, every sideline. I’m rich” which I think is a completely reasonable “inside thought” but stung a bit as it was deliberately worded as a comparison to choosing to work and missing out on time with your kids. Her husband has a high paying job and they live in a lovely house, so actually I’d class her as rich, rich. Most SAHMs I know are dedicated to their children and work very hard, often picking up other tasks that benefit the wider community (PTA, volunteering, caring etc), so no shade from me. Lots of us working mums are also putting our children first by working. The majority are doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us whatever that looks like.

I adore these threads where the OP says something bonkers but doesn’t come back to comment on it at all 😂

@SoSadSoSadSoSadMaybe not in your world but it’s not uncommon to reduce hours to get benefits. Not everyone wants to work to improve their lives.

which people are discarding their children?

This is the pass agg trope that defensive SAHMs like to come out with to attack working women. Honestly, why can't we just accept that there are many positive ways to raise children well instead of sniping?

Not people, women.

Only women who have careers discard their children
Men who have careers are big heroes providing for their children

I really really want to work. Due to DH’s career (long hours, travel), and lack of wraparound and holiday childcare, and lack of family support, I haven’t been able to find anything flexible enough. So, some of us haven’t really had a choice in it.
Shame we can’t all be as great as you eh!

Because they love being a sahm ❤️ how hard is that to understand?

I'm pretty sure no one looks back on their death bed and wishes they ever spent less time with their children while they were young.

The happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been in my life was when it was just me and my DC tootling about all week seeing friends and doing things with them. I am really grateful that I was able to do this.

Same for me. It took me completely by surprise. I'd intended going back to work, but found myself absolutely loving having control of my life. No boss, no being told what to do. Just watching my baby develop and grow. I probably had the best social life in those few years than I've ever had since, and for the first time, actually felt part of my community.

It turns out that I'm one of those parents that loves the pre-school age. The way that everything's new to very small children, and their awe and wonder at the simplest thing. And the sheer rate of their development when they're learning something new every day. I loved it.

I also understand that we're all different.
My friend couldn't wait to be a mum with everything it entailed. Within six months she was desperate to go back to work and did. Just like me she'd had her expectations confounded, but the other way around. And we both made the right choices.

I made the choice to be a SAHM. I realised it would set back my career and affect my future earning potential but I didn't want my DC spending more time with other adults than with me.

Its openly accepted men discard their children, one way or another. Nothing to see there

I've never heard of anyone describe a father working full time as discarding his children. Funny that.

This.

I really did feel that my job as a mother was to be there for my children during their early years to set them on the right road with at least one parent not rushing about and exhausted.

We managed it with overdrafts - a sacrifice we were prepared to make. I do understand that this might not be possible for others for practical reasons; but I saw this as the ideal for the children.

I returned to my career with no problems - but I was not wanting a management role, rather to do the job for which I was trained.

Pension? - I am now drawing this and I manage OK.

My AC have a balance of care (sometimes me) and parents with part-time working by both Mum and Dad where needed.

You know, when I was a kid, the majority of women stayed home and raised their kids and kept their houses, cooked healthy food from scratch without needing an expensive recipe box delivered to the door every week. They probably would say why go out to work, miss out on raising your own kids, paying someone else to do it, and outsourcing the housework. They might say why work yourself into the ground to pay someone else for all that.

You do what suits you. That’s great. But don’t criticise or belittle others just because they choose a different path.

Ive not either

I don’t have a partner. DS spends a lot of time with his dad who also works part-time so that he can spend time with him too. We both wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. Considering I don’t have my DS 100% of the time, there was no way I was going to carry on working full-time as I’d barely get to see him. I do agree though, that women are judged far more harshly by society than men are for having a career. Gender roles are so deeply entrenched in our minds that it’s very hard to change our thinking. My BIL is a stay at home dad, my sister earns way more than he did and is way more successful than him. He’s a great dad but you can tell he’s uncomfortable about not being the provider and self-conscious about it, though he’d never admit it. My sister even confessed to me once that him being a SAHD has made her less attracted to him (something that she felt awful about) but that just goes to show how deeply entrenched gender roles are

That cuts both ways though. When SAHMs smugly throw terms like 'discarding your children' around that's provocative.

And fwiw I worked full time and still cooked from scratch without meal boxes. That isn't special.

I wasn’t aware that providing for my child financially (which is part of being a parent) means I have discarded my child.

I'm pretty sure no one looks back on their death bed and wishes they ever spent less time with their children while they were young.

No, it is indeed rare someone actively wishes they spent less time with kids. There are plenty of women who regret giving up their career and income though.

It is provocative. But people get defensive on goady threads like this that are deliberately started to look down on SAHMs. And attack is the best form of defence as the saying goes. It’s all horrible and divisive and I think the OP is somewhere laughing and enjoying this.

Because 'a stable office job' sounds grim to a lot of people including me! There is a world outside sitting at a desk in a room you know. And a lot of those jobs can be shift work, part time, etc, and a lot of us are happy to be flexible moving between different jobs as long as bills can get paid and we get to spend time with family etc. We are all different.

Most of the women I met over the years couldn't actually afford to be sahm. They often dropped days, but it was more common for both parents to work around each other. The only full on sahm I knew basically traded that for full autonomy, as her dh paid the bills so made the decisions.

There seems to be a general view on here that if both parents work, it's because they want the high life, rather than the fact that you would quite like to pay the mortgage and have a holiday once a year. I think it can also feel, when dc are young, that they need you around more than they actually do.