How to handle fallout with school mum friends and daughter friendship issues

[mullers1977]

How would you handle this situation?
My 11YO DD joined a new school in Y6. it took a while to settel but she made friends, and moved up to secondary with them last Sept. I also became good friends with three girl mums – we see each other often ,spa days etc and I’ve shared with them that my DD struggles with anxiety at school.
My DD, her BFF and the 3 DD of my friends (Group 1) spent breaks together. Over time in secondary, Group 1 started preferring quieter lunches in the library - their group expanded, one girl (call her Girl E) in the group (not one of the daughters of the mums I’m friends with) began being unkind to my DD, making comments about her hair and singing saying it put them off their lunch etc
After Xmas, another girl in Group 1 (Girl M) began blanking my DD, even during a weekly car lift I gave her, leaving my daughter hanging in group high 5’s etc. In Jan, all of Group1 told my DD they wanted a break from her and would run away or hide from her at lunch.
My DD and her BFF then made new friends and formed another group. However, there has been friction between the groups. My DD wanted to play each lunch time and struggled when the Group 1 would sometimes join games and then walk off midway without explanation. A few weeks ago, she and one of her new friends threw twigs at the girls in a silly way, and my DD mimicked Girl E.
Girl E complained to her mum, who then called my DD a “bitch” to other mums and made Girl E's twin brother swear at my DD. Both girls were later spoken to by a teacher. Since Jan, I’ve been asking the school to deal with incidents such as running away, blanking, name-calling, swearing and the twig incident mimicking etc
This week, my 3 good friends, the mums of the quieter girls, asked to meet me to discuss everything. I had asked to leave it until after Easter as things felt very heated, but they pushed to meet sooner. When I had to rearrange due to a last-minute appointment for my DD, one mum said she was too angry to meet and that I had we been able to discuss it earlier it wouldn’t have escalated for their girls, as one of my daughters new friends was blanking her DD, my DD hasn’t asked her new friend to do that and I can only feel that maybe this girl and the mum understand what we have been experiencing, another said my DD started ‘this shit show and our girls are dealing with repercussions’ and that she was out of our friendship. The last mum said she was sorry it had escalated and we are meeting when she returns from her holiday.
After I reached out, I’m now meeting one of the mums 1-to-1 this week, but she has asked for our DDs to come along to “sort it out”, which I’m uncomfortable with.
I’m new to the area and these mums are currently my main friendships locally, so the situation feels quite upsetting.
What would you do next?

You’ve had one version of events. I suspect there’s much more at play here - and that you are over involved and could easily end up with egg on your face.

It sounds like they’re all, including your dd, being pretty mean to each other

Its natural for children to fall in and out of friendships and you are far too invested in them. I dont think my parents ever took an interest in my friendships. There is a rough and tumble about kids friendships in which name calling, pushing and shoving is natural. Parents seek to protect their children far to much nowadays which denies them the abiity to become resilliant and independent.

They're at secondary school. All the mums are way too involved in these friendship issues. If bullying is happening, report it to school and let them deal with it. If dd confides in you, listen, but don't repeat what she tells you to the other mums. Otherwise, keep out of it.

Try and see your Dd objectively. Is she annoying to them? Has she played a part in this? Or is your DD kind and they’re all being unkind?

They are at secondary school now, so why are you mums so involved??
Sounds like they are all pretty horrid to each other, your daughter included.
I taught all girls and the amount of friendship issues was huge. Best off leaving them all to it.

Why was your daughter throwing sticks and taking the piss out of Girl E?

She sounds just as bad as the rest.

Friendships wax and wane and she needs to grow up and stop being a little shit.

I think you are all way too invested. Your DD and the others need to learn to manage relationships independently. The micro managing from you and the other Mums is creating a big drama.
Your DD threw sticks ‘in a silly way’ - doesn’t really matter which way, she threw them. Of course there will be a reaction to this. Your DD mimicked someone - she got called a name, not surprising really.
The school cannot tell Y7s to play together, they can’t stop pupils ‘running away’ from each other.
Sounds like all the girls need to develop their kindness and resilience and stop winding each other up.

This is just normal secondary school friendships, especially girls. The mums all seem way too invested. I think if they insist on meeting, needs to be done without kids to start with, to establish the facts, as I can guarantee that you don’t know the whole story.

Why are you all feeding the drama?

Shut it down and encourage your DD to get new friends.

You are all too tied into the friendships. It’s not a good idea at secondary to be so friendly with mums of your kids friends. Look for some
new friends for yourself not in same
school
or agree with the mums that your all going to not get involved.

its natural to want to protect your own child so the
Lines are too blurred here.

They’re secondary now. Time to step back and leave them to it.

If bullying is really happening, then you hand it over to school and let them deal with it.

I’m surprised they are even ‘playing’, most secondary children just mooch around chatting, unless there’s a sport they’re doing.

You need to find friends away from the school yard. These children need to grow up and sort out their own squabbles/friendships without their parents stepping in.

Not a chance would I meet these "friends". Your daughter has fallen foul of the group and you should expect to take full accountability if attending. Stop engaging and meet new friends which don't rely on your daughter as being the focal point

Christ on a bike, why are all the parents feeding this ridiculous drama? Absolutely do not meet up and "discuss" this with them. The girls need to sort this out themselves.

You are far too invested in this. Back off

You don’t seem to have realised you have all lost your power. The girls have to manage their friendship issues themselves short of serious bullying so the school needs to step in. What are the mums going to do about it?

I think you need to find some friends of your own who have nothing to do with school, and let your daughter navigate her own friendships. I'd just let this lot go, and certainly wouldn't be meeting up with any one to discuss this.

You are way too involved in your secondary school daughter’s friendships. I never got involved with my DDs friendships unless it was something serious (which was maybe once throughout her whole time at secondary school)
You seem to minimise your daughter’s role in these issues? They all sound as bad as each other and you just need to let them get on with it.

They all sound like they are being pretty horrible to each other. I wouldn't have continued to give a lift to a child who was blanking my daughter though.

Encourage your dd and her friends to stay away from the other girls and not to name call/ swear / throw things etc. in terms of your friendship with these women it depends if you can all get past these issues and be friends in your own right. If you all start getting into it you will end up arguing like the children.

Their friendships obviously aren’t working they need to extract with decency. Thinking about it neither of mine (17 and 19) are still friends with any primary friends. Those friendships were all over by about year 9 and they found more like minded friends.

Thanks for all comments, I did think I made it clear I had asked school to deal with all issues since beginning of year, but these Mums (1 especially) wanted to meet saying that the girls needed help to navigate this. I am fully aware DD won't be blameless, and she's be told off for what I know she's done. She mimicked something girl E said as girl E has done similar to her many times. My DD had moved away from group 1 and has lovely new likeminded friends, I have a big friendship and family group but not in the local area to where I moved to and I did click with these 3 mums. X

Yes I agree completely, such a shame but I think it’s a hello wave and that’s it from now on as I’ve found this response so overwhelming x

Dealing with this at a school level is hideous for teaching staff and takes up an unbelievable amount of time. Parents who wade in make it so much worse and amplifies the behaviour we see at school. Each child gets validation from their parents and no one backs down. The ‘bullied’ gets even more disempowered and coping mechanisms don’t kick in at all - zero resilience and zero self awareness.

OP, you and all the other ‘adults’ should agree to tell ALL your respective kids to pack it in and get on with school without the fucking unpleasantness. This doesn’t sound like bullying at all, but the inability to manage their own emotions - totally exacerbated by their own parents.

I realise that I sound very impatient, but the manpower wasted on dealing with this on my team this half-term alone has been awful. Time spent managing genuine distress, or supporting pupils dealing with bereavement, with worrying asylum status, with alcoholic/addict parents, those with limiting illnesses, skint and poverty stricken families has been massively diminished because of dealing with situations like these and the demanding parental phone calls I receive on a daily basis.