How to handle fallout with school mum friends and daughter friendship issues

[mullers1977]

How would you handle this situation?
My 11YO DD joined a new school in Y6. it took a while to settel but she made friends, and moved up to secondary with them last Sept. I also became good friends with three girl mums – we see each other often ,spa days etc and I’ve shared with them that my DD struggles with anxiety at school.
My DD, her BFF and the 3 DD of my friends (Group 1) spent breaks together. Over time in secondary, Group 1 started preferring quieter lunches in the library - their group expanded, one girl (call her Girl E) in the group (not one of the daughters of the mums I’m friends with) began being unkind to my DD, making comments about her hair and singing saying it put them off their lunch etc
After Xmas, another girl in Group 1 (Girl M) began blanking my DD, even during a weekly car lift I gave her, leaving my daughter hanging in group high 5’s etc. In Jan, all of Group1 told my DD they wanted a break from her and would run away or hide from her at lunch.
My DD and her BFF then made new friends and formed another group. However, there has been friction between the groups. My DD wanted to play each lunch time and struggled when the Group 1 would sometimes join games and then walk off midway without explanation. A few weeks ago, she and one of her new friends threw twigs at the girls in a silly way, and my DD mimicked Girl E.
Girl E complained to her mum, who then called my DD a “bitch” to other mums and made Girl E's twin brother swear at my DD. Both girls were later spoken to by a teacher. Since Jan, I’ve been asking the school to deal with incidents such as running away, blanking, name-calling, swearing and the twig incident mimicking etc
This week, my 3 good friends, the mums of the quieter girls, asked to meet me to discuss everything. I had asked to leave it until after Easter as things felt very heated, but they pushed to meet sooner. When I had to rearrange due to a last-minute appointment for my DD, one mum said she was too angry to meet and that I had we been able to discuss it earlier it wouldn’t have escalated for their girls, as one of my daughters new friends was blanking her DD, my DD hasn’t asked her new friend to do that and I can only feel that maybe this girl and the mum understand what we have been experiencing, another said my DD started ‘this shit show and our girls are dealing with repercussions’ and that she was out of our friendship. The last mum said she was sorry it had escalated and we are meeting when she returns from her holiday.
After I reached out, I’m now meeting one of the mums 1-to-1 this week, but she has asked for our DDs to come along to “sort it out”, which I’m uncomfortable with.
I’m new to the area and these mums are currently my main friendships locally, so the situation feels quite upsetting.
What would you do next?

Your DD was singing when they were eating; perhaps they wanted to just chat in their downtime, and became irritated.

She sounds less mature than them; not her fault- everyone matures at different rates.

Does she accept that the twig throwing and name calling was likely to provoke a negative response?

It all sounds silly.

Almost all girls become horrible when they reach their teens, and your daughter and the others involved are no exception. I agree with others thst you are getting far too involved, and being so deeply invested in your daughter’s relationships will make the situation even worse.

It sounds like they’re all being horrible to each other and the other mums wanted to tackle it but you’ve said no to meeting up and then cancelled on them when you finally did agree. I get it because id be so sad if dd was experiencing this but I don’t think you should be calling the school because someone’s running away from or choosing not to talk to your child tbh. They can’t make kids talk to each other and in most schools they’ll be dealing with much bigger issues.

Obviously that mum shouldn’t have called your dd a bitch but I do wonder how you know this? Presumably she didn’t go over to you or your dd and say it?
I think you should just meet up and squash it.

This. What/why was she singing? In order to purposely annoy them?
in a look at me! Aren’t I just an amazing singer?
the fact that you brush off her throwing “sticks” while taking the piss out of someone isn’t good!

It wasn’t just her singing, girl E just mentioned that her voice was putting them off their food, it was light hearted singing at 11 - not nasty or unkind, she’s been told off for the twigs, she doesn’t seem to really care about the original girls now and I feel like they are experiencing a taste of what things were like for my daughter when they wanted a break from her, their prerogative of course and these things happen my DD was sad but moved on. I would say she’s less mature then the main characters of group 1 definitely, I’m happy with that, one of group 1s parents has said they wish their DD wasn’t dominated by her friends as her DD wants to play and not sit in the library.

one of group 1s parents has said they wish their DD wasn’t dominated by her friends as her DD wants to play and not sit in the library.
and what’s wrong with that? Are you meaning they wish their dd was more like yours?

If you want to be friends with the other mums, perhaps agree not to talk about your daughters, and particularly their friendship issues. If the others can't/won't agree, then I would suggest the friendship is not worth the aggro and you need to find other friends.

Many children don't stay friends with Year 6 friends once at secondary school. Many children have huge friendships dramas. Only get involved if there is actively bullying. Your description was long and I skimmed it, but it sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. focus on your own DD's behaviour -how she could/should behave and how she can manage behaviour she doesn't like.

What I would do, OP, is to completely divide your social life from your child’s friendships, and ensure that kind of enmeshment never happens again. Step back, empower school to deal with any bullying that needs attention, and don’t get involved with fellow-parents on a child’s friendship issues.

The perils of palling up with your kids' primary school friends' parents.

Once secondary school rolls around and the groups start to drift, the parents have to navigate the fall-outs along with their own separate relationships. Each set of parents sides with their own and BOOM. Problems.

This is a fairly common scenario I think. I don't think there's really any way to negotiate it leaving all the relationships intact.

I haven’t brushed anything of maybe you haven’t read everything but I said she’s been told off by me and teachers have dealt with it too.
At lunch couple of them were talking about the spice girls and one said what did they sing, they ALL then sung a chorus and that’s when the comment came to my daughter alone.

As you are defending your daughter's version, so too will the other girls' parents.
That's what happens.

Yes I can see that, I was happy with school dealing with it all but my friends aren’t, wanting to sit down with the girls to help them negotiate it all. It is a shame for it to take up schools time but I feel they are best placed/impartial to deal with it. The other mums have said they don’t think school have dealt with it well enough?

Of course, that’s why I wanted school to deal with it.

Well, tell them to take it up with school, you’re not prepared for some parental restorative justice tribunal?

Think they plan to scapegoat you and your dd. Could be wrong but that's my feeling. You may well come away from that meeting feeling like crap.

Completely agree.

Thank you x you’re right and I know that really, it’s hard for me as I had made nice friendships with these women but I can see it needs to be all at arms length really x

No advice but navigating similar issues with my 11 year old just now. It’s a bloody nightmare. But I’m trying to take a step back and leave them to it.

I'm old and my kids have moved on from this stuff so it's easy for me to agree with you here...but I've encountered this difficulty in my time. Friends with the mums then the kids fall out.
It's very awkward, even if like me, you try to sidestep involvement.

Thank you x

Well, DH and I also made good friends with the parents of our DS’s primary school friends, and we all dealt fine with a couple of minor issues that came up over the years, so it’s not always problematic, but we were all sane, reasonable people who liked one another’s kids. No one was demanding in-person showdowns!

Some mums (and I say mums because I've never actually known a dad to do this) get very invested in and political about their kids' social lives.
Being honest, in my own experience it's been because they haven't really moved on from that stage in their emotional maturity themselves. They focus on it because it's at their level and they like the drama.

I'm totally projecting my own experience btw. I don't think it has to always be like that.

'At lunch couple of them were talking about the spice girls and one said what did they sing, they ALL then sung a chorus and that’s when the comment came to my daughter alone.'

OP, you are far too invested in this, and, with respect, you only have one side of the story from your daughter.
Your daughter has also thrown twigs at and made fun of another girl.

This isn't primary school, it's secondary school, and parents cannot stage manage friendship groups at this age.
You really need to take a step back.