How to handle fallout with school mum friends and daughter friendship issues

[mullers1977]

How would you handle this situation?
My 11YO DD joined a new school in Y6. it took a while to settel but she made friends, and moved up to secondary with them last Sept. I also became good friends with three girl mums – we see each other often ,spa days etc and I’ve shared with them that my DD struggles with anxiety at school.
My DD, her BFF and the 3 DD of my friends (Group 1) spent breaks together. Over time in secondary, Group 1 started preferring quieter lunches in the library - their group expanded, one girl (call her Girl E) in the group (not one of the daughters of the mums I’m friends with) began being unkind to my DD, making comments about her hair and singing saying it put them off their lunch etc
After Xmas, another girl in Group 1 (Girl M) began blanking my DD, even during a weekly car lift I gave her, leaving my daughter hanging in group high 5’s etc. In Jan, all of Group1 told my DD they wanted a break from her and would run away or hide from her at lunch.
My DD and her BFF then made new friends and formed another group. However, there has been friction between the groups. My DD wanted to play each lunch time and struggled when the Group 1 would sometimes join games and then walk off midway without explanation. A few weeks ago, she and one of her new friends threw twigs at the girls in a silly way, and my DD mimicked Girl E.
Girl E complained to her mum, who then called my DD a “bitch” to other mums and made Girl E's twin brother swear at my DD. Both girls were later spoken to by a teacher. Since Jan, I’ve been asking the school to deal with incidents such as running away, blanking, name-calling, swearing and the twig incident mimicking etc
This week, my 3 good friends, the mums of the quieter girls, asked to meet me to discuss everything. I had asked to leave it until after Easter as things felt very heated, but they pushed to meet sooner. When I had to rearrange due to a last-minute appointment for my DD, one mum said she was too angry to meet and that I had we been able to discuss it earlier it wouldn’t have escalated for their girls, as one of my daughters new friends was blanking her DD, my DD hasn’t asked her new friend to do that and I can only feel that maybe this girl and the mum understand what we have been experiencing, another said my DD started ‘this shit show and our girls are dealing with repercussions’ and that she was out of our friendship. The last mum said she was sorry it had escalated and we are meeting when she returns from her holiday.
After I reached out, I’m now meeting one of the mums 1-to-1 this week, but she has asked for our DDs to come along to “sort it out”, which I’m uncomfortable with.
I’m new to the area and these mums are currently my main friendships locally, so the situation feels quite upsetting.
What would you do next?

this is absolutely the sort of thing that year 7 girls do I’m afraid. not sure why adults are getting involved, unless there is actual harm going on you need to step way back.

Tell them you're happy to let school deal with it. Find local friends who have nothing to do with school.

Thank you x I will push back on the meetings I think x

Yes I will x thank you x

This thread is why you don't get too pally with nursery/school gate mums. They are acquaintances and need to be kept at nod and smile/arms' length bases.

I think all of you in this story are crazy to be honest and have you honestly got nothing better to do with your lives?

I cannot ever imagine knowing that level of detail about my son's life. I don't think I even knew the names of most of his friends in his teenage years.

@mullers1977
Explain to your mum friends that you realise that the girls haven’t been getting on great recently and it’s probably best for all of them if they develop different friendships for the time being. It’s better to accept that friendships come and go naturally and can’t be “fixed” by 3rd parties getting involved, be that parents or schools.

To be honest with you, my best friends are all “mum friends” from when my children(now adults) were little. The children drifted apart and made different friendship groups at around 12/13 but fortunately there was no fall outs and none of the parents did anything to encourage the friendships to continue.
I suppose we all personally decided that this was the best approach because I know at times when one my children was struggling with friendships I made sure not to make my friend feel she had to encourage her child to include mine. Likewise a few years later a different friend never asked me to intervene and try and get my child to include hers. People need to feel comfortable and artificially engineered friendships past primary school don’t do that.

None of the parents should be involved secondary school friendships.

you all need to take a big step back.

unless there is bullying involved in which case school should be dealing with it directly with relevant parents.

Thank you, yes agree it was longggg (and I’d cut it!) …. Also agree the 6 of one half dozen of another x I have an older son, not much goes on with him so I wondered if I was getting this wrong, I don’t think my child is blameless at all but I shocked by some parents behaviour about it. All 3 wanting a meeting for the sake of our girls - and 1 really losing the plot when I said no- and 1 blaming my not meeting with things getting worse at school x

Why are school having to deal with friendship issues? It’s ridiculous.
I’d have been mortified if my mum had got in touch with school about friendship issues.

When your "friends" have entirely different ideas about parenting, it gets hard to stay friends.

My son had what felt like non-stop dramas all the way through secondary school; my daughter adopted the view that she couldn't be doing with drama and if people didn't like her that was their loss. so consequently had a much easier ride through school. I think it's very personality driven, and secondary school can be a bit of a pressure cooker. But they do need to find their own ways through.

They have to deal with it, if it turns to bullying...which kinda sounds like OPs kid is doing in retaliation.

But you have a son. Boys don't tend to have fallings out like this, not like teenage girls do!

You are only getting your daughter's side. The three other mums are probably getting a different version and with all three girls saying the same thing. This isn't a school issue to deal with. Your daughter and her new friends are bullying the other girls too.

Tell them to stay away from each other. Shouldn't be hard as they are in the library and your daughter is off playing somewhere.

How is my daughter bullying?

New friend blanking former friend, throwing sticks at them, mimicking one of them. That's all bullying. Your daughter is just as bad and you need to tell her to stay away from the girls who are no longer her friends.

Thank you x x

Christ alive! This is school girl anst, let them fucking work it out! Falling out with other Mums and having a meeting to discuss it a thrash it out, sorry but laughable. These girls need to learn how to sort it themselves but your post hasn't said anything about the girls resolve, just the Mums. These girls will be our future, let them deal with it so they know how to handle 'conflict' Honestly!!