What does high self-esteem look, sound and feel like?

[JudiRuliani]

There’s often comments about low self esteem - for example, on the Relationships board “why is your bar so low? Get some self-esteem and do x,y,z”

I’m curious to hear views on what might have caused low self-esteem, how it can be improved and what does high (or better) self-esteem look and feel like? I mean, what is it? What’s it like compared to low self-esteem?

In case you’d not guessed, mine is very low.

My self esteem used to be very low. I am sixty now and don’t give a fuck about most things except my adult DC.

My low bar and self esteem issues arose from an abusive childhood.

Yes it's very much this for me. Just true peace. I'm very happy watering my own grass that I don't even glance at others "grass is always greener" its a quiet confidence and peace.

So I’ve spent my life thinking everyone hates me and I only have worth if I’m killing myself to make people like me. I’ve ended up in so many awful situations because I haven’t listened to myself, I’ve put other people’s feelings and opinions above my own and I’ve been so nice to people who have been fucking me over.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with adhd and rejection sensitivity dysphoria is really common in people with adhd. Understanding this is starting to change my view of myself and although I’m devastated in how my life might’ve been different if I’d have known this sooner, I’m hopeful now I know what the problem is I can work successfully on improving my self esteem.

Oh? Wonder if my therapist wrote it! Can you remember what it was called?

@Mithral It was conscious and something I worked on over time. I didn't have any therapy, but I read a lot of books. For me I prefer to read myself and think things over rather than talk to a stranger about them. But if you think therapy would work well for you, then give it a go!

You put your objectives and LT wellbeing first

You have boundaries, because you are very aware what you like and what you don’t, without doubt, guilt or fear, and the stuff you don’t like in your life, you evacuate or reposition

You don’t feel obligated to say yes or to go with the flow, you have learned to say no without being afraid

You know you’re not perfect but no one is, so you stop beating yourself up at every mistake you make, and you’re on your side

You stop the negative voices in your head, they re your worst enemy, they make you afraid to say no, to stand out, to assert yourself etc. Being assertive or saying no or taking the lead irl actually meets 1000x less resistance than what our negative thought machine is predicting.

You don’t hope or wait for anything or anyone, you judge based upon actions, not words or promises or silences

You challenge and probe people before letting them in your intimacy

You don’t want to put your happiness into someone else’s hands, no one has that power over you, only you can make yourself happy

You learn to love your own company and build yourself your own bubble of peace and contentment

You respect your dreams and aspirations, and you don’t let yourself or others debase or downplay them, ever. No one takes your dreams away.

I have high self esteem.

I treat myself as important in my life. I don't put myself last. I think about what I truly want and I try to get that. I don't let other peoples perceptions of me interfere too much with what I think of myself- although obviously sometimes its very interesting to hear and I do sometimes modify my behavior as I've given the wrong impression. Its hard to describe. My internal framework is strong. I think it comes from knowing and listening to myself and acting authentically according to how I feel.
If I'm required to do something I don't want to do I do it because life requires that of us sometimes. I dont allow it to interfere with my sense of self.
I make sure I do things I enjoy very often.
I internally interrogate myself as to why I did something and then change my behavior accordingly to ensure better outcomes for myself in future.
I don't expect everyone to like me and I don't worry if people I dont like, or strangers, dont like me.
I work hard to maintain the good opinion of those I respect.
I try really hard to always have an internal locus of control. I never, ever seen myself as a victim.

In my case (also dreadful, neglectful childhood, CSA), it was a lot of therapy unpicking my negative beliefs about myself back to their origins, and realising I was still, despite having consciously rejected them, living out a lot of my mother’s negative scripts. No one had ever treated me in childhood, as if I mattered as much as other people, and my default was to think that whatever opinion someone else had of me was the correct one. My earliest experiences taught me that my best option was to make myself as small a target as possible.

Once I’d reached unpicked all that (over years and effortfully), I had to get used to the idea that I exist just as much as other people. That’s it in a nutshell. Believing in your own right to exist in the same way as other people.

Years ago I was into a lot of self-help and life-coaching as I had very low self esteem. One of the hardest exercises ever was to say "I love you (+ your own name)" three times to yourself, out loud, last thing at night in bed, and first thing in the morning either when you wake up or in front of the bathroom mirror.

When I first did it I felt real revulsion. It seemed so false and cringey and embarassing and sickly sweet American and insincere and and and. But I did it. Sometimes it even made me cry because it felt like such a self-indulgence and such a lie.

But I stuck with it, and after about two weeks a weird thing happened. It stopped feeling stupid and fake and started feeling nice and natural. From it flowed a realisation of: why wouldn't you love yourself as you love friends and family? And once you love yourself, it makes sense to treat yourself with kindness - healthy food, exercise, sleep, nice clothes, haircuts, health checks, daily showers etc, fair pay for work you do, equal time off with DH from the slog of childcare and housework.

And then life is more balanced. I rarely say it now, but when I do I realise I believe it - not at all in a narcissistic way, just in a friendly way- self-affection, self- compassion. Liking and loving myself as I like and love others. After all, we spend all of our lives with ourselves. May as well be your own best friend. It doesn't make you selfish or egocentric. Just calmer and happier and easier to be around.

What a brilliant post.

Self esteem is an inner attitude that shows in how you treat yourself. It’s possible to do all the things that point to good self esteem and still feel rubbish about yourself, which can leave you feeling like a fraud, which then lowers your self esteem even more. However fake it til you make it can work - it depends on whether you adopt certain behaviour while also doing the inner work.

I think good self esteem shows up in you treating yourself as worthy - worthy of love, acceptance and respect - so setting boundaries in your relationships, being able to say “no” feels ok. It means that mistakes doesn’t completely undermine you, you can deal with, and repair, ruptures in relationships. You’re able to attend to self care, because you’re worthy of self care.

The inner work is much harder, it means challenging the voice in you that says you’re less than other people, giving yourself the same grace you afford to others, knowing that even when you’re not at your best you are lovable and acceptable. It’s entirely possible to develop good self esteem from a bad start, but it takes purposeful work.

Good post, @Jellycatspyjamas.

It was by Anne Dickson and called A Woman In Your Own Right. It was 25 years old when I read it so I think it's from the 80s. I don't still have it.

I firmly believe my high self esteem stems from my Mum's advice on how to deal with relentless name calling I received throughout secondary school in the 90s*

Mum used to always say a version of: "You can ignore them, because you are better than they are"

In my head, multiple times a day, I would repeat to myself "I'm better than you are".

I now know this is how affirmations work. At the time, it stopped me caring about (and therefore negatively responding to) others opinions of me.

This resilience and positive self-talk has always stayed with me. Inside my head, I know I'm awesome. I know I have flaws too, but I don't care if someone else can only see flaws because I know the whole of me is great.

*I should add that I wasn't picked on at school more than anyone else. Everyone seemed to name-call everyone else, all the time, in my school in the 90s

For me it came from being forced to do stuff I didn't want to as a child, have teachers be really horrible and expected to just take it because they're teachers. Just always being trained to think being treated like crap was normal. I didn't know I could refuse medical treatments until I read it on MN. MN gave me permission and courage to say no actually, I won't tolerate this because it's easier for other people. Hurrah for MN!

Thanks. No, not the same person. It looks like a sensible assertiveness book 👍

@JudiRuliania man!

Honestly, I think good self esteem is holding the average Joe in high regard and extending that regard to yourself.

I would classify myself as having quite high self esteem, and this was earned after I went through a really hard time.

i just like myself. I look at other people’s lives and I don’t feel better or worse than them, I don’t particularly feel jealous. In relationships, I trust that people are coming back. I am myself, and if people like me they like me, and if they don’t they don’t. I’m genuinely kind and curious about people and try to treat them respectfully. If I make a mistake, I tell myself it’s ok and I just want to put it right and to do better next time, like I would my children.

when I had low self esteem, I constantly felt like everyone else had it figured out. I’d look at their lives and measure mine by it. I wasn’t myself - I’d be the person I thought the people I was around wanted me to be. In dating, I assumed people would ditch me and would keep them at arms length so I didn’t get too attached. When I made a mistake, I’d berate myself constantly. I felt like I always had to be perfect or doing something to be of value.

how did I increase my self esteem?
honestly turning 30 helped. Making friends and hearing compassionate voices helped. Travelling and meeting new people helped. Educating and reading helped.

idk though, it’s easy for me to say I have high self esteem because I’m socially supported, financially secure, in good health, young and conventionally attractive enough. I don’t have any reason to not be nice, including to myself. If that makes sense?

can really recommended reading “ Big trust” by dr Shadé Zahrain or listen to it on Spotify as she has a very easy to listen to voice

also she did a great podcast with dr rangan - all about self doubt, finding confidence etc

It's the opposite of low self esteem

LSE is apologetic HSE is unapologetic but not aggressive

LSE lacks confidence and has no self belief HSE is the opposite.

LSE will accept other people's bullshit because they think they deserve to be treated badly. HSE knows what they are worth and won't be mugged off or treated like shit.

LSE thinks other people are right even when they know really that they aren't. HSE has the courage of their convictions.

I think you get rid of LSE by identifying the root cause then working through it. Also by recognising the behaviour and practicing other approaches.

I think I have good level of self esteem.

I believe my opinion matters. And that in often right. If something goes wrong, I don’t automatically assume it’s my fault. If it is my fault, I apologise and move on. I don’t dwell on minor things or on what I should have done better.
I am confident in my parenting and maybe it’s different to someone else’s but that’s fine.
I look in the mirror and am factual about what I see. I might look tired today. Or I might not. I might need a hair cut or my hair might be behaving. I don’t get emotional about my appearance. I need to lose a few more lbs. That’s a fact but it doesn’t stop me living life in the meantime.
I also don’t feel obliged to have an opinion on everything. I can see there are many sides to debates and stories, I am confident enough to say I don’t know, or I don’t care, or I don’t have enough information to make a decision.

This is how I live my life.

I watched my SIL at a family buffet once - she was literally holding her young son back, telling him to let everyone else serve themselves before he was allowed to go and get his food.

This vignette has been haunting me since I read it yesterday, @MintoTime - it's almost tragic. This poor woman demonstrating a belief that she matters less than everyone else, and the little boy being taught the same about himself 😭

You go on to show that she expects praise for self-sacrifice, then feels hard done by when people take her at her word instead. It's so convoluted! Workplaces don't normally offer rewards for the "most obliging" employee - why should they, especially when the employee "obliges" for no good reason, as at the buffet?

I can only suppose your PILs raised their children to be humble servants, valued chiefly for what they would give up (to whom? The parents?) It's astonishing, though, that they haven't realised as adults that the world doesn't run on pointless sacrifices. Good to hear your kids are receiving normal values, and I wish you the best with your DH!

When my self-esteem is high,

• I have a fundamental belief that all is well in the world
• that I can manage
• I have enough
• I have an inner sense of contentedness
• my tolerance to others is healthy
• I am comfortable saying 'no'
• I don't worry what you think of me
• the future is something to look forward to

It's a lovely place to holiday, sadly I live elsewhere 🙃