What does high self-esteem look, sound and feel like?

[JudiRuliani]

There’s often comments about low self esteem - for example, on the Relationships board “why is your bar so low? Get some self-esteem and do x,y,z”

I’m curious to hear views on what might have caused low self-esteem, how it can be improved and what does high (or better) self-esteem look and feel like? I mean, what is it? What’s it like compared to low self-esteem?

In case you’d not guessed, mine is very low.

I'm very similar although my Mother didn't hate me, just never, ever praised or complemented me (not even on our wedding day).

But despite that, I have good self esteem and am very comfortable in my own skin. I can't remember ever really feeling self conscious or out of my depth socially? Obviously I would prefer for people to like me, but if they don't it really doesn't bother me. I love my own company and have been told I come across as warm but self contained.

I think it's perhaps mainly due to being privately educated and very articulate? But I also certainly benefitted from 'pretty privilege' when I was younger, too.

But, ultimately I am surrounded by good people who are supportive of me and only want the best for me ie. DH, DDs, girlfriends and family.

Exactly. My mother is like your SIL and DH, and brought up all her daughters to think the same way. No one will ever like you if you don’t put yourself last. No one likes a self-confident girl. The other person is always more important. Never accept a compliment. Never let yourself look strong or clever. It was a deeply unhealthy indoctrination.

Fortunately we’ve all managed to unpick those scripts, with a lot of work. As you rightly say, one of the particularly difficult bits for young children is the self-contradictory undercurrent of unexpressed anger that runs alongside this. ‘Put yourself last, let everyone take advantage of you and then seethe about it.’

During the 1990s there was a sort of fad for saying "I'm great!" instead of "Fine, thank you" when someone routinely asked how you were. At first I thought this a bit weird, but soon realised it was fantastic for your self-esteem and general outlook!

Try saying you're great 20 times a day, plus your day's good, things are going really well and the family's excellent, thank you. It beats the hell out of fine and okay. (To polite enquiries, not if you're trying to broach an issue with something.)

I'm hoping it hasn't gone out of fashion and I'm unlucky to keep hearing people answering the question in too much doleful detail. If it has gone - it should come back pronto!

For me, it's about owning your mistakes as something you do, rather than who you are.

So for instance last week I got utterly confused on an unfamiliar roundabout, and got hooted at because I cut someone up. When I was younger, that would have sent me spiralling, that I'm an idiot etc etc.

But I'm not, I made a mistake. I'm actually a good driver, but once in a blue moon I will fuck up, just like every other driver on the planet does once in a while. Even an expert in something will cock up on occasion.

Another example. Yesterday I did absolutely fuck all. I've been under the weather for about a fortnight and yesterday I just could not be arsed. Once upon a time I'd have beaten myself up for that, I'd have branded myself lazy. But I'm not. I had a lazy day, but that doesn't make me lazy.

My mistakes do not define me, they're something I do, rather than who I am. I can love myself despite not being perfect. And because I actually like myself, I don't tolerate people walking all over me, because these days I'm not just grateful that they seem to like me more than I like myself.

There is a lot to be said for putting your feelings and issues into context. Oliver James wrote about discounted upwards comparison or somethinglike that. ie don't look up at people who have it all worked out and be jeaous, but in the whole round of human experience. "Everyone makes a mistake from time to time", "its normal to be scared of x" and so on. Contextualising makes you take a step back from your immediate difficulty and the value you attach to that and say hey, anyone would struggle with this not just me. I think over time this leads to greaterself esteem because you stop judging yourself so harshly!

I've found his books useful oliverjamesofficial.com/about/