What does high self-esteem look, sound and feel like?

[JudiRuliani]

There’s often comments about low self esteem - for example, on the Relationships board “why is your bar so low? Get some self-esteem and do x,y,z”

I’m curious to hear views on what might have caused low self-esteem, how it can be improved and what does high (or better) self-esteem look and feel like? I mean, what is it? What’s it like compared to low self-esteem?

In case you’d not guessed, mine is very low.

I think low self-esteem is very common, especially in women, as we are often socialised to be compliant and quiet.

two things I always make sure to do are:

• not be self- deprecating or respond negatively if someone compliments me; I just say thanks
• similarly, if someone is critical or negative towards me, then I try not to give an obvious reaction (even if it bothers me I don’t show it) and respond neutrally. I had to work on this a lot when I was younger, as I really struggled with even constructive criticism in a work environment, so spent a lot of time working on a poker face and neutral responses, which are also really good to use in social situations or when dealing with idiots or frenemies.

Here are some things from my therapy. They worked. Pick and choose.

• Look at your reflection as you look at your friends' faces. I used to hyperfocus on perceived flaws, never really seeing my own face as a whole. Now I smile at myself and tell me if I look nice, my skin looks good, I have a lovely smile etc.
• I wrote affirmations and put them around my house. Some were answers to past critics, like "There's no such thing as too emotional", most were boosters like "I am worthwhile".
• I printed out the Bill Of Assertive Rights and stuck it on the inside of my coffee cupboard door so I'd see it often. https://h2g2.com/edited_entry/A2998551
• I wrote lists of what I like.
• I wrote lists of what I want.
• I wrote lists of what I'm good at.
• I wrote lists of my achievements, big and small.
• Whenever someone said something nice about me, I wrote it down. For a while I carried these around in a notebook, to read when I was feeling wobbly.
• Daily gratitudes are not a waste of time. At the end of each day, go through all the nice things about the day, however small, and anything you've done well.
• Remember OTHER PEOPLE ARE MORE INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU THINK OF THEM than judging or assessing you.
• Be interested in them, aim to leave them feeling they've been 'seen' and appreciated. This will bounce back on you.
• Do an assertiveness course, preferably in person; online if none available.
• Practise expressing your wishes and what you will not accept. Think this through by yourself, then start doing it real life.
• Treat yourself like someone you love. Always have your back.

You’d be happy to be in a room full of people complimenting you.

That is brilliant @GarlicFound. I hope therapy has been a success for you.

Being open and honest but in a neutral, non-argumentative tone about your own opinions, views and when setting boundaries. For example, I recently said ‘no’ to a spa weekend I didn’t want to pay for due to having an expensive hen coming up. I also recently shared with certain very chatty groups on Watsapp that I needed a complete break from my phone due to a big interview. I have felt a sense of relief and realisation that nothing bad had happened when I have spoken up, it hasn’t negatively impacted on relationships, which I think people do fear.

Good luck!

My wife has low self-esteem. She always assumes things are her fault when we argue, even when they're not. She speaks badly of herself and will say she doesn't deserve me/what she has because she is zero. Her parents were neglectful, often absent and physically and emotionally abusive. I dont know what high self-esteem looks like exactly but I dont have any of these insecurities. I believe I deserve to be happy and I feel good about who I am. Another thing I have noticed is she always assumes the worst in any situation, if someone is a bit rude or dismissive she will overthink it and get anxious or angry. I dont care what strangers think unless I believe I have accidentally upset someone. I think overall high self-esteem looks like being less anxious, both about oneself or the feelings of others. It looks like you expect to be liked or respected and dont assume people wont. I wish I could help my wife more, I constantly reassure her and tell her how amazing she is and how much I love her. Thats all I can do. Its sad.

Thank you, @Summerhillsquare. A series of events had utterly destroyed me, amplifying all the negative lessons of my abusive childhood while neutralising the positive ones. It took a little while but, yes, I think others would say I have high self-esteem. I feel grounded and confident.

I never stop learning, though 🤗

Having no desire to be understood, admired, pitied or even known.

@GarlicFound - thank you for sharing this, it’s really helpful. Just seen your update too and this resounds with me - a lot of my insecurities stem from childhood and a recent fall-out has brought things crashing back. Thanks again for al the things from your counselling, there are some brilliant tips that I know will make a difference.

@bettydavieseyes- your wife sounds like me and it’s s so sad. It sounds like you are very supportive and encouraging.
It also blows my mind how you describe high self-esteem! Thanks for sharing.

Doing things that you enjoy for yourself, particularly if it’s something you can do reasonably well. It gives a sense of achievement, accomplishment and satisfaction.
It could be a hobby or simply something like making a craft item or decorating a room. I wouldn’t always rely on career goals for high esteem- I believe it comes from other sources. Developing strong friendships is helpful too, through effort and regular communication and contact.
This is what I find works for me. I don’t struggle with low mood or low esteem (which I’m grateful for)

OMG, my worst nightmare, although if it was an award for my work or something similar, I’d be ok for a bit, maybe 5 mins max. I know I’m good at my job, it’s everything else and keeping everyone else happy all the time (often at my expense).

That thread was so interesting!

Following with interest. I've tried for years to improve my self esteem.

One tiny success is that I've got better at neutralising negative thoughts. I have a really abusive inner voice and used to have things like "I'm disgusting" "I hate myself I wish I was dead" "you're a terrible person' just run through my mind like a mental tic. I also say (often aloud) "you're so fucking ugly" every time I see myself on a mirror.

When it happens now I think "oh it's that old recording again" or "that voice is so unhelpful" or "I'm allowed to exist". I say "that's not very nice" or "so what" to to the voice calling me ugly.

This worked much better for me than properly positive stuff as I just reject it immediately as bullshit if I try to say I'm a good person or attractive or whatever.

I have always had good self esteem but I find it quite hard to put into words why or how that came about, especially since I had a not great childhood with a mother who hated me. Did it build resilience in me, but in others it created low self esteem? I just don’t know.
I’m just very neutral, other peoples opinions of me don’t particularly bother me and I don’t tend to overthink things. I don’t particularly like being the centre of attention but can handle a compliment.

I absolutely love this thread, thank you for starting it - kind and thought provoking.

I used to have low self-esteem and now I have high. What changed was all within me. I like myself and I think I am a good person and have a lot going for me. I am aware of my flaws, but they don't bother me.

People with low self-esteem feel it when they come in contact with the outside world and they sometimes think that the way to improve their self-esteem is by getting other people to behave differently to them. It doesn't work like that. Good self-esteem is something you build yourself inside yourself, and then the world reacts differently to who you are.

Really interesting thread!

This all makes total sense but do you have any idea what changed within you? I know it's about me rather than the outside world (hence it's a self esteem issue not an everybody hates me issue).

Low self esteem comes from not being able to develop positive self-regard during your formative years. Typically this will be due to how your parents or carers treated you. Im very lucky that I had a stable and love-filled upbringing which is definitely the reason for my relatively high self-esteem. In short I believe myself to be inherently worth loving, even if I make mistakes. I believe that Im intelligent, creative and broadly a 'good' person with a lot to offer the world and other people. It doesn't mean Im arrogant, it just means I feel worthy of love and friendship. This has served me well in life and it is only now in perimenopause that I've struggled, mostly because I experience some anxiety which eats away at this core belief. Good luck in building your self worth, its a brilliant thing to aim for. Id recommend talking therapy as the best way to explore this for you.

DH and his sister both have very low self-esteem. It manifests in them always, always putting themselves last - like they aren't important enough to put themselves first or even in the middle somewhere. It's exactly how their parents brought them up. It's not looks-based - it's more about their self-worth, more broadly.

So for me high self-esteem is being able to say 'I'm important too' and to act on that. Setting boundaries, that's something they both find so difficult. I don't even think about it - I just do it. My parents brought me up to be polite, considerate, able to compromise - but absolutely not a pushover. I am so grateful for that.

I watched my SIL at a family buffet once - she was literally holding her young son back, telling him to let everyone else serve themselves before he was allowed to go and get his food. Whereas I told my kids to go up with everyone else - waiting politely, not pushing in, but equally not hanging back until all the chips are gone and making do with whatever is left.

I have really tried to bring my children up to value themselves. The situations that DH has ended up in, trying to please everyone, never saying no and then bitterly resenting people that 'take advantage'. SIL has been 'bullied' in every job she's had. By this she means that she consistently says 'yes' when she actually wants to say 'no', then feels 'bullied' when she's taken at her word. Like DH she wants everyone around her to 'not ask' so that she doesn't have to say no.

Thing is, there was a time in your life when you were completely confidence, totally unselfconscious and didn't care what anyone thought of you.

You CAN get back to something approaching that attitude, and with no nappies required!

I see some signs of this in my son and it makes me so angry with myself. He is incredibly nurtured and loved and he's the absolute best but there seems to be some genetic curse of just not valuing ourselves enough. He's having a much much more stable childhood than me and he's much better looking so hopefully that will really help.

I think maybe a have some sort of awful personality disorder. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me! People do genuinely treat ugly women differently so that doesn't help of course.

@Mithral It was a work in progress over many years, I think. Part of it was just getting older tbh. But I also spent more time getting to know myself, developing interests, going for walks, findings things that made me happy. It was about focusing on the good things in my life and not what wasn't there. It was also consciously rejecting ideas that had been drummed into me in childhood, about not taking up any space, about martyring myself for other people. I had to unlearn quite a few lessons from childhood about women's place in the world.

Thank you that is all quite familiar to my past too. It does give me some hope. Did you work on it actively or do you think it was just over time? I have done a lot of self help stuff but never tried actual therapy. Not sure if it would help

I recognise that from a book I read years ago in university. It had a silver cover like a mirror and I think red writing.