How to word this message to my DD's friends mum.

[WafflesOrIceCream]

Hi All,

I need some help in wording a text to my DD's friends mum.My DD's friend (14) has a habit of breaking my DD's things.Today it was a pen(My DD's finger got scratched in the process).My DD has told her before many times not to do this but it happened again.

My DD does not want the teachers to be involved as she doesn't want her friend getting in to any trouble.I don't think this will stop either so I thought of messaging the friends mum instead.

I know it's only a pen but my DD's bag was damaged in year 7 by the same friend.It just adds another unnecessary expense.

I know the mum ,and I don't want to make it awkward but something needs to be done.

How can I word the message?I was going to send her a message through watsapp.

Thank you all.

Can we have some more context about how the things are being broken? For example is the friend losing her temper or are the girls mucking about physically? Is it deliberate or accidental?

What's the background? Two things broken in school doesn't sound a lot? And they sound like they happened far apart? Is she being malicious?

It would depend on the situation and how well you know her but I'd go with something upfront like:
Hi Sally's mum, I need to let you know about a situation I've become aware of between dd and Sally. Not sure if you're aware, but Sally has broken a few of dd's possessions now, most recently some stationary. Dd doesn't want me to raise with school, but I can't let this go on so wanted to make you aware. Could you have a chat with her please? I don't want it to affect their friendship but I'm sure you understand it needs to be addressed. Happy to chat if you'd prefer a call to discuss - thanks, Waffles

This friend is always pulling on to other friends things too.It always happens but I've been quite about it because both are friends.

DD's friend will just pick up the stationary without asking and it often results in tug of war when my DD asks for it back.

At 14 I'd just leave it - unless it was a Montblanc or something, or an actual assault?

A pen was broken and a bag, what 2? 3? years ago?

that doesn’t warrant an email to the mum, your DD needs to be supported to address this with her friend.

At 14 I would be guiding dd to speak up for herself rather than messaging the mum about a broken pen.

This! Honestly - you’re going to cause way more drama that it’s worth.

A pen and a bag doesn't sound like a big deal to be honest. Teens are clumsy and things get lost or broken. Unless she's doing it on purpose, in which case it would be very weird why they're still friends and she doesn't want to tell the teacher.

If it's a frenemy situation where the girl "accidentally but deliberately" breaks things then it would be fair to give the mum a heads up out of principle. I would not go into the expense side unless you want to sound like a total cheapskate. Part of parenting is to accept that you have to spend some money replacing your kids stuff, regardless of what happened.

If you escalate a broken pen to another family then they'll obviously feel obliged to replace it but you'll probably never have a friendship from their side again.

If your daughter doesn’t want the school involved I’m sure she will be mortified if she found out you spoke to her friends mom

The hassle is not worth the 50p a new pen costs.
At your daughters age I just wouldn’t get involved in such a minor scenario. And honestly I’d be very surprised to get a message about something so petit - a broken pen and a bag that was damaged years ago? Leave it is my advice.

Seriously, don't

I would not message another mum for the sake of a pen and a bag that was damaged years ago, it’ll only impact on your daughter who’ll be forever known as a snitch.

She could be neurodivergent and unwittingly using other people's things as fidget toys. Some kids are compulsive pickers, pullers or twisters and they cannot stop themselves fidgeting with objects until something breaks. It doesn't sound like it was malicious at all.

Buy DD a Needoh squishy and tell her to give it to this friend the next time she starts fiddling with her things.

At that age I wouldn't be messaging the parents. Id be telling my daughter don't give this girl your stuff and if she takes it tell her ' hey leave my shit alone '. Better still make good decisions about what you take to school.

You leave it. They are 14 this is not something to be getting involved in.

At their ages let them sort it out themselves. Don't get involved

Assuming there's not a drip feed coming....
It's a bag a few years ago, a pen and they are 14. I wouldn't be contacting the parent at all.

Why can your DD not speak for herself? She can blame you if that makes it easier “ oh my mum is annoyed about that pen so best to leave my stuff alone !”

A pen? Like a biro type pen? Pinch her another one from the office and forget about it! Please don't message the mum over something so trivial!

I agree that if dd doesn’t want the school involved then she’ll not want her friend’s mum involved either.

Does she have problems speaking up for herself?Do you think that the friend does it because she thinks she’s funny or so socially awkward that she thinks that this is a good way to get people’s attention?

The pen was broken today.I've been letting it go over the years but a pencil was broken last week (I let it go) and pen today.

They're 14. You coach. You don't solve.

My DD has asked her to replace the pen.

You don’t message the mum. They’re 14 not 4. It’s a pen, presumably quite cheap and if it’s not because it’s a mont blanc or solid gold or something then I’d really rethink your DD’s choice of stationary because it doesn’t sound suitable for school. And the bag was what 2 years ago?! If there’s a wider issue with this DC snatching DD’s stuff without asking then it would be better to talk to the school about seating arrangements and ask that they’re split up in lessons.