Can we give up one of our children?

[pinkstargaze]

I don’t know where else to turn, this is about my 8 year old.
We have 3 Children the eldest and youngest are lovely but the middle child is making life so hard with her violence towards us.

She comes home from school and shouts and screams and hits me and her siblings, she calls me names, swears at me and won’t listen to a word I say just says shut up and covers her ears if I speak to her.
Her siblings are frightened of her, I’m frightened of her I know as soon as I say anything I will be hurt, she hits me in the back and it takes my breath away, she kicks me and tells me to kill myself, slams doors throws things, screams at the top of her voice by which time the other children are crying and I just can’t do this anymore.

I don’t want this for my other children who are so well behaved, we don’t swear or raise voices, we are just a nice family who all get along and respect each other apart from her, she makes everyone miserable, destroys our home and everyone’s belongings.
It is embarrassing, friends won’t have her around their children and even our own family don’t want her near her cousins because it always ends in tears.
I don’t want to live in a home where I’m scared to tell my child off because she’ll hit me, I don’t want to share my home with someone who laughs and points at me with delight when anything goes wrong, or revels in her siblings misfortune and I don’t want to be called names and be sworn at in my own home or have my things ruined by someone who doesn’t care about me or my things.
I don’t want this to be my life and I definitely don’t want it for her siblings.
I feel strongly that for sake of the family’s safety she needs to go into care but I don’t want to lose all my children.
Is it even a thing to put one child into foster care and not the others?

She is waiting to be assessed but the waiting time is long, the school doesn’t see this as she’s masking all day until she gets home but it’s every day.
I have a lovely family, a lovely husband and we have 2 other children who are lovely but she is making our lives hell and our home uncomfortable and I know I just don’t have what it takes to live with her, I am burnt out and feel so guilty to the other children.
Dh does his best when he’s home but we are all so worn down and miserable, we just can’t carry on like this.
It has broken us both and the others are suffering. I genuinely can’t do this but I so love being a mum to the others who I carry on for.

Did you actually read the post you're replying to?

How damaging do you think that is for a child?

By the way the poster has it bang on, this is exactly what happens.

Thanks for all the support and advice. I do know school is the trigger as she’s not as bad in the holidays or at weekends and does get anxious about going.
She stims a lot at home too which she says she can’t do at school because she’s embarrassed so she doesn’t have any outlet until she gets home.
She doesn’t have any friends and her teacher says she’s just quiet at school and doesn’t really talk to anyone.

She just never really grew up and still acts like a toddler but as she gets older she gets stronger and more and more hostile.

@RoseField1is spot on. This is exactly what will happen.

This sounds exactly like our life when my daughter was in yr4, it was absolutely awful. She masked massively at school and was absolutely awful at home, hitting, throwing, screaming, trashing the house. I sent in videos of her to school showing her behaviour and all I got was "she's fine at school'
The only advice I can give is keep going on at school, I became that parent as no-one would listen to me. Ask for a team around family TAF or team around child TAC as they will bring in others from outside of school I.e school nurse.
Good luck, its a really hard road

She’s tired from masking at school all day and is having trouble regulating her emotions. My daughter’s school also thought she was fine … but she literally could not talk for 30mins (later diagnosed auadhd) when she got home from school she was so drained.

Sit with her when she is calm and draw a body of a child - get her to point to on her own body or the picture’s body what is happening to her when she gets home from school. Ie what she is feeling and where she is feeling it. You both need to learn the warning signs that she is about to melt down and the identify ways to calm her. Some kids find jumping on a trampoline (even a mini one) is a good way to get out negative physical energy. I would get her to jump when she comes home from school (if she wants to) to get her anger out.

She also needs quiet time when she gets home. Have zero expectations of her, don’t ask her questions or ask her to do anything until she’s recooperated from school. She sounds like a kid who might in an ideal situation be home educated but that’s not easy for everyone to do.

Hi - this sounds so hard. The DSL at your child's school should be able to refer for extra support. This is child on parent violence and meets the threshold for additional external service involvement, regardless of any other referrals.

I’d recommend ‘The Explosive Child’ by Ross Greene - I think this and other books suggested at least will help feel less alone 💐

I have 3 daughters with autism and my youngest who is 7 has a PDA profile attached (it isn’t a separate diagnosis and isn’t always acknowledged) and this sounds exactly like her, she is a ticking time-bomb.

Have you found any triggers to her outbursts?
I’ve found that lowering demands helps with her in general - not always.

Can you home
educate her?

It sounds very tough for her, she needs help and methods to get through it.

It isn’t easy or immediate, but things like EP, OT, CP, play therapist, etc. input can be part of an EHCNA and ongoing provision part of an EHCP. If OP has to appeal to SENDIST at any point and can’t afford independent assessments, she could look at charity (e.g. Parents in Need) funding.

No? No she cannot get her child adopted or sectioned. Fuck sake.

The OP reads as if she would put her child into care rather than pull out every stop to get private assessments. Yes, it costs money. You CAN find the money if you realise how important this is. It is essential you get the assessments. As I said upthread, do NOT wait for the NHS. It will happen too late and they will offer too little. Please please become proactive (yes, I do know what I am talking about).

Have you asked DSW for a care needs assessment
when dealing with outside agencies always put the worst case scenario as the norm have you written a letter to your M.P ? The more people you have on side the better also keep a record of who you have approached and their responses also keep an incident diary so you can provide hard facts
it makes things more manageable you need to know what your options are before making a decision

Can you pay to go private? If my child was so bad they were physically hurting and terrifying my other children I would do anything to raise the money to get a private assessment.

Op if she can behave at school there must be something else going on.

Not necessarily. Views like this show a lack of understanding of how some DC with SEN present.

Sounding more like my DD! I did go privately for full mental
hwalth assessment - cost £1000 g DH I’ve years ago however I couldn’t afford private medications or DBT therapy so they wrote to GP. Bloody GP wouldn’t accept the diagnosis as it wasn’t done by NHS #!*#! (Swearing). However dhe was then assessed by nhs around 6 months later (yes, with the same results).

What's your financial situation like, and do you both work?

I would throw any money I could beg borrow or steal at helping with this, and if you don't work or can take time out I would also home educate at least short term to see if that helps.

Has she had any trauma in the womb, at birth or as a child that could impact her attachment?

There is a v good matrix that compares autism, PDA and attachment disorder. It's called the Coventry Grid.

I couldn’t afford not to go to work.

Done it too many times. It's heartbreaking. And the child's actually allocated social worker who the child knows will be upstairs making phone calls/filling in form after form/answering calls from senior management/chasing agreement for XYZ while the child gets taken for endless McDonald's with a succession of people who can be prevailed upon to take a couple of hours shift with the child and have no answers for them whatsoever. watching the face of a child who realises none of the adults around them know what is going to happen to them and seeing them lose hope is so sad. Utterly horrible.

She had GBS when she was born and was kept in on antibiotics for a week, that’s the only thing I can think of.

In which region of the UK do you live, OP?

It sounds like she’s masking. They call it the coke bottle effect. Little things that happen throughout the day at school each time pressure builds up. Until they get home and the top comes off and all that frustration comes out.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/the-coke-bottle-effect/

@pinkstargaze my son is autistic. ADHD. He hit and screamed at his sister for years. It nearly broke me. It lost me relationships post divorce. It’s awful. I half hated him and knew he was damaging so much.

but. What he needed and your daughter needs is proper help. Get a referral. Pay for private. Find the money somehow. It’s cost £2k for a private assessment for autism. It’s helped hugely (as has age).

your daughter loves you. She is scared. She has huge emotions. It will be ok. If there is ashd as well. Ther e probably is. Then meds help a LOT.

sending support from another parent. It’s gonna be ok with help.

Yep, needs repeating on every one of these 'just put him in care' threads.