Can we give up one of our children?

[pinkstargaze]

I don’t know where else to turn, this is about my 8 year old.
We have 3 Children the eldest and youngest are lovely but the middle child is making life so hard with her violence towards us.

She comes home from school and shouts and screams and hits me and her siblings, she calls me names, swears at me and won’t listen to a word I say just says shut up and covers her ears if I speak to her.
Her siblings are frightened of her, I’m frightened of her I know as soon as I say anything I will be hurt, she hits me in the back and it takes my breath away, she kicks me and tells me to kill myself, slams doors throws things, screams at the top of her voice by which time the other children are crying and I just can’t do this anymore.

I don’t want this for my other children who are so well behaved, we don’t swear or raise voices, we are just a nice family who all get along and respect each other apart from her, she makes everyone miserable, destroys our home and everyone’s belongings.
It is embarrassing, friends won’t have her around their children and even our own family don’t want her near her cousins because it always ends in tears.
I don’t want to live in a home where I’m scared to tell my child off because she’ll hit me, I don’t want to share my home with someone who laughs and points at me with delight when anything goes wrong, or revels in her siblings misfortune and I don’t want to be called names and be sworn at in my own home or have my things ruined by someone who doesn’t care about me or my things.
I don’t want this to be my life and I definitely don’t want it for her siblings.
I feel strongly that for sake of the family’s safety she needs to go into care but I don’t want to lose all my children.
Is it even a thing to put one child into foster care and not the others?

She is waiting to be assessed but the waiting time is long, the school doesn’t see this as she’s masking all day until she gets home but it’s every day.
I have a lovely family, a lovely husband and we have 2 other children who are lovely but she is making our lives hell and our home uncomfortable and I know I just don’t have what it takes to live with her, I am burnt out and feel so guilty to the other children.
Dh does his best when he’s home but we are all so worn down and miserable, we just can’t carry on like this.
It has broken us both and the others are suffering. I genuinely can’t do this but I so love being a mum to the others who I carry on for.

If you read what she says it seems nobody wants to have her because of the way she is?

You’re so naive.
My daughter makes me feel suicidal at times. It’s really that fucking bad so don’t beat the OP when she’s down.

This is not how autism works

Can you afford to pay for a private assessment?

Social worker here… and yes you can have your child accommodated under section 20.

the issue is could foster carers manage her behaviours and this could result in numerous moves. Likely a residential placement.

i haven't read all the comments

I don't know if this has been pointed out already but if you feel your DC aren't safe and push this enough, SS may push for the removal of the other DC if they are easier to place. The system is broken and I am so sorry that you and your DC aren't getting the support you deserve. I would suggest reaching out to SENDIASS and Early Help.

That's not how this works for some kids.

Would you an ambulatory wheelchair user that because they can clearly walk sometimes, they should never use a wheelchair?

Pandas/pans
Do any of the symptoms fit?

Sending a massive hug OP.
Ppl here guilt tripping the OP for reaching out should be ashamed. She's asking for help, not judgement. Families in these scenarios get pushed to breaking point. Help or scroll on.

OP sorry if this has already been suggested but just sending the link to Family Lives here, their helpline will re open tomorrow. They can advise with many things including if you've suffered violence from your child. www.familylives.org.uk/

Medicated with what medicine? There is no medicine for autism.

You mention ER so maybe you aren’t from the UK, I’d be curious to hear what you get prescribed in your country.

There’s medication for adhd but stimulants aren’t recommended for kids who are prone to meltdowns as it can make them more angry.

I think OP may mean Group B Strep ?

What are school doing to help her make friends?

i would be inclined to as for a meeting with the head and senco.
tell them everything, I'm sure you have but again and more in depth and that your both at breaking point and your daughters mental health is declining rapidly and she can't keep going.

Assessment and diagnosis won’t magically give you the answer or provide extra help. You have to figure out how to deal with this as a family.

Are there SEN parents groups in your area? I would start with a search on Facebook and meeting others who are dealing with similar children. It’s so helpful and important to have a support network.

I would also join this Facebook group - so much good advice about low demand parenting.
www.facebook.com/share/g/1Gz24eqHcc/?mibextid=wwXIfr

I know of some children who have not found placement and just been looked after by agency carers permanently. Eye watering cost to the council.

There is basically no foster care at all for children with complex needs.

I am not beating her down @AnonSugar

I certainly am not naïve

There are zero instances, zero, however incredibly difficult the situation is, for my family, that I would ever, EVER give up my child, to the UK care system!!!

I don't think you were being asked this? And getting on your moral high horse isn't helping.

So it is possible then?

I'm just trying to figure out why its ok that the two other children in the house are allowed to be hurt and scared?

To everyone saying just get a diagnosis.

I agree but at the same time, that isn’t a silver bullet is it?

So OP scrapes together a couple of grand for a diagnosis. Gets it, says child has autism. What next? There’s no medicine. No therapies on the NHS. SLT and OT (both of which could help) are supposed to be provided through an EHCP. But school think nothing’s wrong, they won’t be faffed with filling out an EHCP application.

it feels like a dead end.

OP if you could scrape any money I’d recommend spending it directly on therapy with a play therapist. If you are loaded, do it all, do the diagnosis and the therapy. But to be honest my son’s autism diagnosis got us nowhere on its own. All the things that really helped were therapies we paid for directly that we could have paid for anyway without the diagnosis.

Having a child like this puts pressure on the whole family, I can see that OP is struggling and who can blame her? Having a child that attacks you on daily basis is upsetting and exhausting.

OP, you can contact children’s services and ask for a ‘carers assessment’, you then might be able to access respite services….though this is a postcode lottery. There’s no shame in asking social services for help.

Does she have a set routine when she gets home from school and during holidays? I find using a picture schedule helps. Obviously she needs down time to decompress from school but this can be doing activities that she enjoys wether it’s art, gaming or watching tv. Does she do any after school activities?

The wait for assessment seems to take so long, there’s no reason why you and the school can’t put things in place without a diagnosis, especially if you suspect ADHD, Autism or/and PDA?

Unless you actually live with this or no someone really well who does it is impossible to understand. I have just spoken to my friend who is really struggling. and as I mentioned in a previous post ,that close to giving her DD up for the sake of her other children is going to look at boarding schools.

OP how academically able is your DD? Friends DD is way above her peers academically and thrives on learning so school is the place she is happiest. When she is home and quiet and calm she is on her tablet but watching and learning all to do with her obsession of Greek mythology. Because her DD loves learning and school she could thrive at boarding school- not sure if this could be an option for you.

Its not uncommon in the UK for children with behaviour like this to be given anti psychotics/SSRIs/sleep medication, a combination thereof, depends what the psychiatrist decides.

Its not 'autism' medication but aiming to change other emotions and behaviours.

Where do you propose you give it up too? You can't put it back? That ain't how life works.

You can’t be serious? Maybe a sticker chart? 🤣

There is HUGE difference between traits of psychopathy as you describe, and what the OP is describing. HUGE.

Yes because your kid is probably nice and normal and not a monster. If they were (i say this as the parent of a former-monster) you may well feel differently,