If you never organise stuff with friends or family and leave it to others. Why?

[Firefly45]

I am the organiser for several of my friend groups and for my family. Im the one that suggests things, finds dates everyone can do, researches, books whatever it is.
I do this because I like doing different things so if I want to do an activity/gig/walk/restaurant then have realised I need to be the one to organise it.

However, it's starting to annoy me that people say to

• ive seen this activity, us lot should go to it
• wouldn't it be good if we all went to such and such
• we should organise a night out
• it was good when we all went to blah blah, we need to do that again

OR

• when are we having another night out
• are we getting together at Easter?

Basically I feel the implication is that im their social secretary and they are waiting for me to organise it! If I dont organise it doesnt happen because noone else steps up.

I have said nicely 'I dont always want to organise' or 'Brill yes why don't you message everyone then' and even 'to be honest I'd love to come but ive got no headspace to organise it but ill come if you tell me the date' - nothing gets booked!

If you are one of these people, why dont you take a turn organising? Im trying to understand the mindset.. ive heard 'im too busy to organise it', 'I can't be bothered to get round to organising ' and also 'im too shy and scared that noone will want to come' (this last one drives me nuts!)

Why does the last one drive you nuts?

Because Im always risking people saying no so why is it ok for me to cope with this and not them?

I’ve phased out people like that.
I need relationships to be reciprocal.

When DC started school I arranged loads of play dates, kids parties for stuff like Halloween / bonfire night etc.

Gradually I have crossed the people who never invite or organise anything back off my list.

Also stepped back from being “organiser” for a couple of hobbies and now just see people who actually make an effort back one on one.

I’m done with being the organizer.

YABU

Say Great. I'll come along if someone else is organising this time.

Out of curiosity, do you work full time OP? I am definitely a bit guilty of allowing some of my friends to do more than their fair share of organising, although I try to make sure I do a bit so as not to be a complete CF. Part of my justification to myself is that I work full time whereas several of them are SAHM so I figure they have more time to organise stuff than I do.

I think it's easy for people to adopt "roles" in friendship groups. You've been given the role of "group organiser". People are so used to you doing it, they probably assume you are happy to do so, or, more likely, haven't given it any thought at all.

With close friends, I've found that we are good at just telling each other we are sick of doing it and we all laugh and someone else does the planning next time round. I think it's more of an issue with less close friends - where actually no one is that bothered if the get together doesn't take place, so actually you might be the one organising it because you are the one that cares most.

Hmm now I think about it, I'm the 'organiser' too. In all my friendship groups and family!

I don't mind - at least I can arrange things that I am happy with! It's a bit odd though, eh?!

I organise things I like to do, and invite others. If they come, great, if they don't, I was going to do it anyway, so it doesn't matter. I also reply as standard to anyone who says, "We should do XX" or "We should get together at Easter" with "Great - I look forward to hearing from you about that."

Yes I suppose the problem is that I want to go out for a day..but if I say 'great, you organise' or just do nothing we wont ever go for the day out....which i suppose is my problem.
Im going to have to be more assertive.

I work full time and also provide a lot of emotional support for family and friends. Im the kind of person who doesnt like dithering, just get it booked...so suppose its easier for everyone to just let me do it cos I can make decisions and take action.

@Firefly45 what do you mean by saying It's your problem? I think your irritation is totally justified. It's like people are taking advantage of your organising ability.

We can't comment on your specific situation without knowing the people involved

I've been the organiser. In most cases, it simply wouldn't have happened if I hadn't done it and later on I realised that people weren't bothered enough to do the organising themselves.

I completely understand how you feel, but most of the excuses mean that people can't be bothered, which in turn means it's not particularly important to them.

I meant I cant complain about missing an event if I haven't organised it.
Yes I do think this, if they wanted to do it that much they would organise.
I think its the constant suggesting things to me as though I am the party leader thats annoying me!

I'm the organiser and I generally don't mind if people respond and are easy to arrange things with, confirm etc. I don't ever chase though and also reply with 'looks great' if people send me suggestions and then I leave them to organise.

Yes to this! When you organise/host, you have to put yourself out there. You don’t get to be flaky or say yes to a better offer.

I’m the organiser - and host - for most of my older friendship groups so I feel your pain. I sometimes wait ages for someone else to step up but they almost never do. However, I know they like meeting up because they always say yes!

I love it when someone asks me to do something.

Yes, this! As far back as when we had landlines, one person did this-and it made sense, because you couldn't have a WhatsApp, so one person doing it seemed ok-but should it have been her all the time?
These days organising is far easier, with groups and links, but what did annoy me is the school mums' nights out when people would mess you about, or act like you were their mum. No C, it's not ok to say you'll just decide on the might whether you want to come for the meal, or not, because if everyone did that, the restaurant wouldn't know whether they were expecting 30 or no guests! You're a professional woman in your 30s, just decide! And stop looking at me like I should decide what we're all eating, or I have to sort out the bill spilt EVERY time.
OK, I feel better now.

Yanbu excellent questions OP.

I'm a follower, I hate organising, but I would happy follow someone's lead with labrador-like boundless joy.

Not everyone likes to organise and generally organisers are a bit control-freak. And they like to organise.

I’ve found that with some friends unless I organise it, it does’t happen. And I’m now ok with it not happening with them. I got sick of being the social secretary. I’ve got other friend groups who will organise things and we take turns so it works out ok.

That's only been done to me twice - someone actually saying "I'd like to do this would you organise it please?" so annoying.

@FastFood I want to follow someone else with Labrador like boundless joy!

I don't know why people get it in their heads that the organiser always wants to do it. Perhaps there are some people like that, but it's not all of us.

when my father died, his group New Year's Eve night out completely fell apart. Nearly 20 people who could've organised it. I think he was the only person with enough joy to actually get it sorted, bless him.

and importantly, enough patients to sort out deposits and such like. The restaurant owner used to say to him that he got loads of queries about theoretical group bookings but they always fell apart at payment organisation stage.

i've gone all nostalgic now.... Sometimes my parents used to get home later than me or New Year's Eve 😂

To me it's obvious: you want to spend time doing these things with these people, more than they do. If they wanted to do as much as you do, they'd do it.

Not having a go but do you ever consider that it would be polite to take a turn? That maybe the organiser would like to be a follower?

I do sympathise OP, this used to be me, especially when I was single and most of my friends were in relationships, although that doesn't sound like it's the case for you.

However, now I have a young child, work full-time and just don't have the energy for organising/people messing me about with dates etc, plus working out childcare is a pain, and just as you've said OP, nothing ever gets arranged now.

It's a shame because I enjoy doing things with my friends but ultimately it's too much hard work and now I have a child on top of work etc I just don't have the mental energy for it.

Are you sure they all want you to organise so much? I have a friend who is a boundless and incessant organiser - she seemingly hates empty weekends on her calendar. She gets really upset that no one else ever organises anything and I understand how she feels, but...

We don't all want to be organized! I need and want my downtime, my empty blocks on my calendar, and my spontaneity (even if I wind up doing nothing!). I don't organise because I'm busy enough and happy with my precious unscheduled time. My friend finds it really hard to understand this, but I suspect as we get older and busier more of our group are like me.

Just something to think about. What would happen if you stopped?

I tend to be the organiser, but these days I only organise something I'll be going to anyway, and on my terms. So I'll say something like "I'm buying tickets for X event on Friday night, does anyone want to join?". I don't tend to be friends with people who never take their turn though.

I do think the perm-followers like to tell themselves other people like organising this stuff because it gives them an excuse not to make the effort.

@TulipCat - that is the best sort of organising. "I'll be at xx at xx time if anyone fancies it"

So much easier to say yes or no to!