If you never organise stuff with friends or family and leave it to others. Why?

[Firefly45]

I am the organiser for several of my friend groups and for my family. Im the one that suggests things, finds dates everyone can do, researches, books whatever it is.
I do this because I like doing different things so if I want to do an activity/gig/walk/restaurant then have realised I need to be the one to organise it.

However, it's starting to annoy me that people say to

• ive seen this activity, us lot should go to it
• wouldn't it be good if we all went to such and such
• we should organise a night out
• it was good when we all went to blah blah, we need to do that again

OR

• when are we having another night out
• are we getting together at Easter?

Basically I feel the implication is that im their social secretary and they are waiting for me to organise it! If I dont organise it doesnt happen because noone else steps up.

I have said nicely 'I dont always want to organise' or 'Brill yes why don't you message everyone then' and even 'to be honest I'd love to come but ive got no headspace to organise it but ill come if you tell me the date' - nothing gets booked!

If you are one of these people, why dont you take a turn organising? Im trying to understand the mindset.. ive heard 'im too busy to organise it', 'I can't be bothered to get round to organising ' and also 'im too shy and scared that noone will want to come' (this last one drives me nuts!)

One of my friendship groups is 4 people who love getting together, never cancel etc, but meet-ups only happen if I organise them. They acknowledge sheepishly that it shouldn’t be thus, but nothing changes. They’re keener to meet up than I am, hints are dropped, but no-one says ‘right - let’s set a date’ and I’m not starting it. I’ve let it drop. It baffles me, truly.

So many good points above about attitudes. I’ve never forgotten one of a group of old school mates; we were trying to set a date months hence for a get-together and they ‘didn’t know what they’d be doing then’ 🥴 Bearing in mind they live in a trendy coastal town ‘we live in Xxx, why would we want to go away on holiday’, the message was clear - we won’t hold the date, we might get a better offer.

Also given to the ‘we must arrange a get-together’ shtick to which I replied - ‘sure, do you want to suggest some dates?’ Tumbleweed…

I have a group just like that. Always saying Joe great it would be to do x. Not organizing anymore

@Walkacrossthesand so now you've let it drop, do you four still get together?

Depends if you want a duty relationship with your mother, or a real one, doesn't it?
Or whether you care more about her feelings than your own.

In a group of my friends, one always organises everything. She seems to be happy doing it. To be honest, she's a bit bossy, in the nicest possible way. I do feel bad about not taking a turn and I do offer to organise an outing but she always ends up doing it. Maybe you come across as very capable and organised so they just think you want to do it all. Actually, you're not my friend, are you?

I’ve spent a lot of my life being the organiser for several friendship groups and I have recently realised that I feel very resentful about it. I’m a super organised person but I don’t enjoy organising at all. So I have recently told these groups how I feel and that I’m resigning my role and that it’s time for someone else to take over. Time will tell whether the others take it on but I’m done! Now they all know that I don’t actually like or want to do it the ball is in their court.

Why? I don't owe people anything, those who do organise do it willingly. Organised group stuff account for maybe 10% of my social time, the rest doesn't require organisation.

I have a friend who's an natural-born organiser, recently we planned a trip to my home city, so she let me organise a bit. Fine. I suggested a club, everyone said "yep looks nice" and she said "looks great, but there's also this one and this one" and so basically we were back to square one.
We finally went to my club and it went really well, but the fact is that a) this is not my nature and b) it is often not the organiser's nature to let it go.

Control freak as in "are you sure about going to this bar? I heard this one is good too" or "Can we please be at the airport at 5am?" when I would happily just arrive last minute and meet everyone at the destination and / or book my own hotel.

I don't mind organising - I'd rather for example know we have a reservation in a decent restaurant at a sensible time to eat than traipse from place to place in name of sponteneity .

I have a relative who is a people pleaser and so refuses to organise things properly for fear of pissing someone off. So if we're doing something with that branch of the family it's always "well, I'm still waiting to hear what Geoff and Margaret want to do" when it's the night before and no one's booked a table for 8-10 people anywhere yet. And we end up not being able to get in anywhere. Again. Whereas I am quite comfortable with telling people that it's 14.00 for lunch at The King's Head, come or don't, as you see fit.

@EmeraldRoulettenot so far - we only ever met up 2-3 times per year, I always set the ball rolling - now it’s time for someone other than me to message in our group chat! I had some hints in Xmas cards ‘would be lovely to get together’ so maybe one of them will!

My favourite is the vague comments. ' We should have a weekend together'. This is literally after we've just had a weekend away which one person couldn't make and that I organised. I just responded 'that would be lovely' because it would be but I'm not organising it. But then do you miss out in the long term yourself?

I've found that I don't mind being the organiser as long as people respond quickly and don't faff about. I can't be arsed with decision by committee either - this is where we are going and the time.

Perhaps not applicable in the OPs case and certainly not in mine, though I wonder if some people have family or friends who are difficult to please and so only if they choose and organise will they be content and pleasant. Read any number of the threads about difficult parents, siblings or inlaws as examples.

In our friendship group, we had an organiser who was quite dominate so we went along with it for years eventually we took it in turns organising because we were fed up of being organised. (And she would drop hints at being fed up of organising)

The issue was the organiser then dropped subtle but annoying criticisms about the venue, menu etc we chose, the rest of us are pretty chilled, so we have a separate group now and meet on occasion on our own. We also all meet together with the organiser.

Honestly? I have crushingly low self-esteem. I never suggest anything because I can't get my head round the idea that any of my friends would actually want to go anywhere with me, do anything with me or spend time with me. I'm convinced that anything I do suggest or try to be organised will be met with immediate rejection from everyone.

On the rare occasions I do suggest something, even if it's just meeting a friend for coffee, I will send the message then mute the chat so that I can check my messages several hours later when I have mentally prepared myself for the rejection that I'm always sure I'm going to receive.

I am always shocked and delighted to be invited to things, but then the voices in my head tell me that it's just a pity invite or I'm being invited out of some sense of obligation. I mean, it's not as if I bring any value to anything so I don't understand why I'm being invited to join in. Recently this has become both easier to navigate as I have had a massive change in my financial situation which means I can't afford to socialise and have to turn down all invites. My friends are sympathetic and still invite me and offer to pay, cook me meals in their homes, take me to places, etc, but obviously I don't take them up on their offers as I won't be able to reciprocate. It's kind of a relief as now I know I just have to turn down all invites without going backwards and forwards about "why have I been invited" and "I want to go but do they really want me there."

I used to organise a lot of stuff for family but I got fed up of the constant bitching about it - this restaurant doesn’t have gluten free menu/this park isn’t great for small children etc so now I don’t.

much happier.