If you never organise stuff with friends or family and leave it to others. Why?

[Firefly45]

I am the organiser for several of my friend groups and for my family. Im the one that suggests things, finds dates everyone can do, researches, books whatever it is.
I do this because I like doing different things so if I want to do an activity/gig/walk/restaurant then have realised I need to be the one to organise it.

However, it's starting to annoy me that people say to

• ive seen this activity, us lot should go to it
• wouldn't it be good if we all went to such and such
• we should organise a night out
• it was good when we all went to blah blah, we need to do that again

OR

• when are we having another night out
• are we getting together at Easter?

Basically I feel the implication is that im their social secretary and they are waiting for me to organise it! If I dont organise it doesnt happen because noone else steps up.

I have said nicely 'I dont always want to organise' or 'Brill yes why don't you message everyone then' and even 'to be honest I'd love to come but ive got no headspace to organise it but ill come if you tell me the date' - nothing gets booked!

If you are one of these people, why dont you take a turn organising? Im trying to understand the mindset.. ive heard 'im too busy to organise it', 'I can't be bothered to get round to organising ' and also 'im too shy and scared that noone will want to come' (this last one drives me nuts!)

I understand, OP. I have recently made a point of widening my social circle so that I have different groups of friends to do things with. I now don't organise things with the ones who never take their turn - I do group things with the people who do, and it's a lot fairer. I still do one to one things with the others, such as meeting for coffee, but I am always ready for them to cancel at the last minute, as people like that often do, and it's easier to just not go for coffee than to have to cancel a booking somewhere.

It's very entitled to expect others to do the work, and as I say, the entitlement usually extends to last minute cancellations for trivial reasons, with the organiser left to deal with that, too. Life's too short, and there are other friendship groups out there.

AmethystDeceiver good point and I have considered this but am assuming everyone wants me to organise stuff because of the constant suggestions of we should do this, we should organise that, why dont we all go there sometime?
This suggests they do want to do stuff.
Also..everyone always comes to stuff and talks about what a good time we had and how we should do it again! Sigh

@AddictedToTea

When you organise/host, you have to put yourself out there. You don’t get to be flaky or say yes to a better offer

Yup. I used to volunteer to lead bike rides. But got fed up when other people bailed after I’d planned my day around it, whereas as the ride leader I didn’t get to bail because I got a better offer, couldn’t be bothered etc

Maybe if someone else had offered to help with being the organiser I’d still be doing it.

I never organise anything and only might go if someone else organised something. I'm happier staying at home more than I am going out.

Complaining about always being the organiser whilst organising things you want to do seems more than a little contradictory.

I get nervous that nobody will be interested 🫣

Not really. People are complaining about being the one who has to suggest things, and who are expected to get the tickets, sort out the car shares and so on. Every Time. Nobody is being coerced into doing anything they don't want to - they are just suggestions - and it would be good if those suggestions came from other people, too.

I mentioned to a friend that I was going to the theatre with a different group of people, and she was taken aback. She stopped short of coming out and asking why I hadn't invited her, but she did say that she'd wanted to see the play. I told her to count me in if she wants to get tickets for anything else, and she didn't know what to say. We were supposed to be having coffee later this week but she's messaged to say she might cancel as she might have a cold brewing. It's not the first time, and it's all part of the same attitude - 'I want to do what I want when I want to, so you need to keep the time free and I'll let you know at the last minute (ie when it's too late for you to make other plans) if I feel like it'. It's tiresome, so I'm not playing any more.

They might not be, in which case it's fine - you don't go, or you find someone who is. The situation is exactly as it was before you made the suggestion. Nothing ventured, though.

But why should other people cope with rejection but never you?

I’d prefer not to be the organiser, but I’m supportive of those that are (even if they can be a bit bossy or book things in addition to what we’ve agreed).

I’ve had some people who’ve asked me if I’m interested in going to something, I’ve said something like “ooh maybe” and the next thing I know they’ve booked the VIP seats, with drinks and dinner beforehand and I need to take a day off work.

If I’m the organiser I only do things that I want to do, and would happily go alone. I try to get people to book their own tickets or get them to pay asap.

I think “we must do it again” is rather non-committal, it doesn’t mean anything imo.

And there is a commonly held view that some people like organising things (and will complain if things aren’t done their way if they are not the organiser).

Im the person who never organises anything because I don't want to do anything, I like being at home. I will go along with things others have organised for them but im not actually bothered about doing these things

People are all different.

To be honest, for me it’s usually because I’d rather not have plans. People who constantly invite me to things make stressed as I feel pressure to accept and before I know it my calendar is booked up with plans. I have ADHD, getting through the working week is sometimes all I can manage. I need downtime at the weekend to recharge. If I have the energy to do stuff, I like to make plans on the day.

My GF is an organiser like you. It’s a constant source of tension!

People who organise either want to organise, or they don't want to.

If they want to organise, they're happy enough presumably.

If they are organising when they don't want to, that's something they can change. No need to be a martyr.

What isn't fair is to expect other people to organise things they don't want to organise, there's no obligation there and lots of people just don't have time, money, energy or inclination.

You can always say no, though. I'd much rather that as have someone agree then pull out, or grunt non-committedly so I don't know if they want to go or not.

Of course people who suggest things will suggest things they want to do😂. I mean, I will never suggest potholing or swimming with sharks. But that doesn't mean I want everything my own way. It's more a case of 'does anyone fancy going to see X?', then a WhatsApp discussion of times, seats, lifts and so on, then the booking. The complaint is not about the 'work' involved, but the fact that the admin is always done by the same people, and never others.

We started not inviting those that didn’t invite us back or arrange other things out.

I must admit it did cut our social circle down a bit but I got fed up of feeding the two that only ever bought two burgers and two burger buns and then proceeded to eat everything I’d supplied and drink the beer of the others that brought it.

the crux was the day they took home their crappy beers that no one else drunk.

I think if you have a group that are happy to meet if someone else organises it, but not that bothered if nothing ever happens, this is the best approach.

I've got a couple of groups like that. We've just accepted that we book a restaurant on a date and see who turns up.

Honestly, mostly I don’t want to go. I just do things when asked out of a sense of duty and because I feel bad letting the other person down.

So why don't you just say you don't want to go? or suggest something you do want to do?

That’s a bit unfair . Control freak as in asking you to pay or commit to something they organise ?

I have very low self esteem so struggle to put myself out there. I do occasionally though as I am very aware that I appreciate the fact that some people are ‘organisers’.

In my experience of friends, it comes down a lot to anxiety about getting something 'wrong' and it being your responsibility. It also seems that the busiest people in our group are also the organisers. 'If you want something doing, ask a busy person' as the saying goes. However, I have done my share of organising in the past but now my job is literally organising people and arrangements all day long so I just don't have it in me anymore. If I want to do something, I'm more likely to go alone now than have the back and forth fucking about regarding times, dates, I can't do that, payments etc.

Although I very nearly fell out with a dear friend when she wouldn't even make a decision about where we should go for lunch recently. I'm like, seriously, it is just one decision. I got over it though...just about!

How do I tell my mum that I don’t want to spend time with her without hurting her feelings? It’s not the activity that is the problem. She is exhausting, I can hardly tolerate spending an hour with her.

But why should other people cope with rejection but never you

@Firefly45

For me the “rejection” isn’t always a bad thing as it helps weed out those I haven’t common ground with. E.g. when my DC started school I attempted to organise a hike with the other mums but no one was keen, they just want to do pub,pub,pub, quite alcohol focussed.

Ok so my pride was wounded for about 3 minutes that no one was interested in my suggested hike, but I see it as freeing me up to make my efforts with other people who are more on my wavelength.

I am not a super big organiser myself but if there is something I want to do, I’ll be prepared to organise it. My pet peeve is people who sit back and expect you to not only suggest and invite but organise their life for them. Eg ‘I’d love to but I’m not available that Saturday- is it still on the following weekend? Well I’ve sent to a link to the event - how about clicking on it maybe yourself rather than ask me? I have a policy of being super grateful and as easy as possible to involve if someone else is organising and reciprocating with those who also organise.
There is an art form to making the time vampires do their own organising:

• ive seen this activity, us lot should go to it: Me: Great idea count me in.
• wouldn't it be good if we all went to such and such Me: Ooh yes what date do you propose?
• we should organise a night out Me: Great idea count me in.
• it was good when we all went to blah blah, we need to do that again. Me. Yes absolutely count me in
• when are we having another night out. Me: I’m always up for it - when were you thinking?
• are we getting together at Easter? Me: I’m not aware of any plans yet - what would you suggest?

as you say, usually they just peter out as they don’t take the initiative but at least it is clear it is up to them to take the next step. Over time you gravitate towards those who pull their weight too or see the time vampires only when it suits you to do so.

And this is why I stop asking people who don't reciprocate. It seems better all round, and gives the activity more energy because it's only people who actually want to be there.