Did I misjudge this? (14 yr old birthday party)

[Oricolt]

It's not really a big deal. I'm just curious to know what others think - especially the parents of other younger teenage girls.

Dd turned 14 a few weeks ago. She and I had lots of chats about how she wanted to celebrate. Like a lot of families, it's a choice between a cheaper thing at home and inviting more friends or an outing of some sort with one or two close friends. Dd decided to invite all her friends back to our house after school for birthday fun, movie and a pizza.

She made a group chat, added all her friends, invited them, gave all the details, when, where, what, what time their grown-up should collect them etc etc. She came up with a craft activity they could all do. It was lovely.

All of the girls have been to our house many times before. They've all been mainstays of each other's birthday celebrations for years.

I made cake, got snacks, ordered pizza, checked on the girls, and was vaguely around in case an adult was needed.

One thing I didn't do was message the other parents. Should I have? I didn't feel it was necessary at 14. Dd was entirely capable of sorting it all out herself and it went without a hitch.

I'm pondering for a couple of reasons - one, because 4 of the mums sent me a message to check on the plans. And two, because, now I think about it, everyone else's birthday invitations are coming from their mums to me ("Hey, Lucy is turning 14 on the 20th and she would like to invite your dd to... etc")

Have I gone hands off too soon? I don't mind if I have. Just wondering.

Dd2 is younger than this and she has been organising her own stuff pretty much since end of primary.
dd1 - nearly 17!! Has a lovely friend whose parents double check everything. They are lovely people I just raise a silent eyebrow.
to be fair though dd2 has had the same friends since nursery so I think the mums dropped the reins earlier because we all know those girls and their parents well etc.

From experience, some 14 year olds will handle this just fine and others won't. So the "hands on" parents may have been through previous situations where their kids didn't read the message properly, invited themselves to stuff they weren't actually welcome at, got stranded without a lift home, forgot a piece of equipment/clothing they needed to join in, etc etc.

Some kids are not ready for independence and still need a bit of guidance! 14 is an age most will be ready so I don't think you did anything wrong, but I can understand some parents needed to check stuff.

I think what you did was just fine. My daughter is 16, and I've not been involved in her social plans for a while. She'll check in if she's been asked to do something, in case we have other plans, or she needs a lift somewhere, but otherwise, she can arrange her own time. Her best friend is 15, and I find it odd that her Mum still asks me questions about arrangements, or they need to pre-plan a sleepover 3 months in advance. When I was that age, these things would be an on the day thing!

No I wouldn’t expect a mum to do the inviting. But I’m not surprised a couple checked in with you - that’s totally normal too. Glad it went well!

At 14 they should be sorting themselves out

I'd have gone into witness protection if at 14, my Mum was asking other parents about my plans! I don't think she even had any parents' phone numbers post Year 6

It's fine that you did it like this bit it's also fine that some parents felt the need to check.

You are getting the delicate balance between being there and letting go, little by little, about right from that sound of it.

One thing I didn't do was message the other parents. Should I have?

Yes, imo. They may have had good intents, and it's important to be independent etc, but unless the parents are involved how is it happening? You can't trust 14 year olds to plan a big party, ime.

In my experience the “just checking” parents fall into three camps:

The ones whose kids are a little immature and can’t quite mange their own arrangements yet.

The ones whose kids a have previously given their parents reason not to trust what they say.

The helicopter parents who haven’t yet learned to treat their teenagers like teenagers.

I’ve a 14 year old and for the past 2 years she’s organised it. I am friendly with some of the mums so I have had a text or two saying ‘what time should I pick x up later?’.

I think this just about sums it up. And I was quite happy to respond to the parents who checked - I wasn't raising an eyebrow at them, just reflecting on how we did it.

Someone upthread said that someone has to be the one to let go of the reins first.

That sounds like they’ve all had a lovely time I really wouldn’t worry x

I think it's this op.

Hands off? It sounds a bit hands on tbh “picked up by their grown up” and “in case an adult was needed” seems a bit silly at 14. They’re at a house. No I don’t think Yabu for not contacting parents. Sorry if that sounds catty but it’s hard to tell by how you speak of them whether it’s the norm to contact the parents or not.

They possibly dont trust their daughters to be where they said they would be

no harm in checking. Teenagers are tricky f*ers

Considering what I was doing at parties at 14 (alcohol) you did fine.

some parents will just double check that their child gave them the correct info

I’ve experienced this but been the parent that has asked for the parent number so I could contact them to check. Yes at 14 they are capable of sorting things out themselves but they are still young and need to be kept safe. I like to know what they are doing, where they are staying, who is in charge. I work in a school and know first hand what teens and their parents are like. My parenting style differs from others and ultimately it would be my decision whether my child could commit depending on an array of circumstances. You have to safeguard your kids.
My youngest had a friend come round with a sleeping bag a few years ago for a sleepover he had arranged at school. Not even I knew about it and we had plans. I couldn’t get in touch with this kids mother who had just dropped him off. I had him in the car trying to drop him off and his mum wasn’t in for hours. Our plans were ruined, youngest well in it up to his neck. It disgusted me how a child could just be dumped like that with someone you don’t know remotely well enough and she didn’t even check with me.

My DS12 friends mums have all done WhatsApp groups for 12 and 13 year old bdays. When DS16 wanted to bring two friends for escape game and Burger King I had to contact one mum- the other let her DS handle it. Either way if fine with me.

My DC sorted their own birthday activities at 14, I just provided money.

You are over thinking!

Dd turns 13 in August, i have booked the venue for a similar party i just dont have room at home and she is sorting ot directly with friends herself.

If parents are concerned they are capable of asking for your number.

Personally I would send parents a message, we have all of our children's friends parents numbers it's no effort to reassure them that what they are being told is reality.

It's still the norm with our oldest and her friends of that age. The messages are different though not inviting but confirming it is happening.

Yes totally fine at 14. I'd only want a message from the mum if it was a sleepover and I didn't know the family.

No, this was completely fine. It was also fine for parents to confirm teen-arranged plans with you - that's a good middle ground for some families at that stage.

You don't need to parent everyone else's children. You felt your own daughter was ready to lead the invitation-making so let her do so, you had a plan in place for appropriate supervision of the party and contributed to logistics so everyone would be cared for, and you were available for parents to confirm whatever info they felt needed to be confirmed for their own individual children. Well done.

My similar age son has been to a few birthday things recently, it seems that if it’s something that’s been booked and had to be paid for, their friend msgs them the details and then gives a parents number to rsvp, my son shows me the msg and I send a msg to the parent.
If it’s something at a house I don’t get involved at all apart from transport and rely on my child to tell me timings etc