Did I misjudge this? (14 yr old birthday party)

[Oricolt]

It's not really a big deal. I'm just curious to know what others think - especially the parents of other younger teenage girls.

Dd turned 14 a few weeks ago. She and I had lots of chats about how she wanted to celebrate. Like a lot of families, it's a choice between a cheaper thing at home and inviting more friends or an outing of some sort with one or two close friends. Dd decided to invite all her friends back to our house after school for birthday fun, movie and a pizza.

She made a group chat, added all her friends, invited them, gave all the details, when, where, what, what time their grown-up should collect them etc etc. She came up with a craft activity they could all do. It was lovely.

All of the girls have been to our house many times before. They've all been mainstays of each other's birthday celebrations for years.

I made cake, got snacks, ordered pizza, checked on the girls, and was vaguely around in case an adult was needed.

One thing I didn't do was message the other parents. Should I have? I didn't feel it was necessary at 14. Dd was entirely capable of sorting it all out herself and it went without a hitch.

I'm pondering for a couple of reasons - one, because 4 of the mums sent me a message to check on the plans. And two, because, now I think about it, everyone else's birthday invitations are coming from their mums to me ("Hey, Lucy is turning 14 on the 20th and she would like to invite your dd to... etc")

Have I gone hands off too soon? I don't mind if I have. Just wondering.

Unless it is a sleepover I never messaged parents. You will always get one or two that like to double check things particularly pick up time. I would not be overthinking things

Exactly this. Don't worry. The other mums messaging is just part of the transition, or might be a new normal for a while. It's not a sign you did anything wrong.

Anything at home they arrange themselves, taking them out I communicate with the parents - recently did a day out in London, checked it was ok/shared timings/what we were doing - we are only 15 minutes out so wasn’t a big deal but wouldn’t have taken someone else’s kids out without checking.

Its fine they are 14 but a few parent's were just checking that there kids were going where they said they were. They may have reasons for this or be a bit anxious.

U should hand off.Ur daughter is may more mature than ur thinking.

Good on you for trusting your DD to manage her own social
life.

fine for parents to check but remember that’s their own trust issues not yours to shoulder.

If it was a planned activity that I am paying and taking them at a particular time or finished late then I might get more involved, but a homr birthday party then no, perfectly fine to let her organise and invite. I do get the other parents numbers if its the first time my son is being taken anywhere by them or staying for dinner.. mainly to check with the parents they are fine with it, i suspect some of the other parents have messaged you just as a check its all as it seems and you are aware and have their numbers if you need to call. Not because of a protocol.

We had my son's 13th birthday party last weekend. He did all the inviting on What's App and collated all the replies. Everyone brought their children (to a local trampoline place) so they could see that there were adults there when they dropped off. I suppose it's different when they start travelling solo.

My DD isn't 14 yet but I'd definitely allow her to arrange the party but would probably check in with parents there definitely is a party - but that's more to do with my own youth where we would all say we were going for a sleepover and then slope off to a nightclub etc instead!

At the age my daughter does all the arranging. I did receive a couple of messages from Mums - usually a mix of the more worried Mums in general checking plans or my closer friend Mum who are like are you crazy 🤣

We have a family calendar and my children add there (mum/dad taxi) requirements in there but can also see if there is a clash with other events, and then can organise a lift with another parent if they know we not around - fairly self sufficient.

What you did was fine. My DC were same age when they started organising their own birthdays. If I have contact details, I would send out a quick message myself to let parents know I am aware it happening! But I wouldn't mind at all if a parent contacted me to check in. I would do same when something is arranged via the DC mostly to thank them for having them round and to lightly check they are aware they are hosting!

At 14 that’s normally how parties are arranged. My DD is 16 now, and I haven’t spoken to her friends’ parents to arrange anything since Year 8.

Gosh, I honestly can’t imagine receiving an invite to a 14th birthday on behalf of my daughter. That’s bizarre.

This. I only have a contact details for one parent pure by accident as they already met in year six. Otherwise teenagers are perfectly able to organise something like that between themselves. If it's not walking distance, I'm asking for an address so I can drop her and collect, but that's all.

For an overnight I'd expect the parents to get in touch but I would not message them like in primary. Ds tells his mates, some parents get in touch, others make a point of dropping off and speaking to us, other more relaxed parents will leave it all to the teens.

You were fine.

OP daughter has likely been friends with these children since primary, moved up to high school with them and remained friends. That would explain why the parents have each others numbers.

Totally fine to let her arrange for herself. I still check with parents though because sometimes they come up with ideas for plans that are totally unrealistic and it’s obvious no grown up has input. I’m happy for them to arrange, but I just double check out of politeness.

My teen DD organises her own social life/birthday plans. I'm just kept in the loop. If she's attending a party at a venue I always RSVP as requested on invites

My DS is 14. He would be absolutely mortified if I began contacting his friends parents or in anyway getting involved in his social life!

I think this is right but also fine for parents to check - it’s a funny age (13 year old daughter here).

It have a grown up Yr8 DD and we're starting to get a few invitations like this, I have to admit the first few times I did message the Mum just to make sure all was legit and the Mum was fine with it, I'm starting to be more relaxed about it now!

Dd3 I let with no parental messaging but dd2… I sometimes check as messages get muddled with that child. She’s well into being 14 now and there’s been a big shift in the last 6 months. Worth remembering her friends might be younger. Dtds are 14 but birthday is end of August so when friends turned 15 in October we are almost a year behind and probably will parent slightly differently to the parent of a child a year older.

It's fine.
My daughter would arrange an evening at home herself and she's younger
Complicated plans / requirements for being somewhere on time, I'd message parents

Yeah at 14 kids should invite eachother to things. Surely it would be seen as appallingly cringe for mummy to be organising a party via their parents at that age.

But yeah it's fair enough the parents who did just message to check it was legit. None of them were moaning about not being given the invite were they?

She’s 14, not 4. At that age she’s perfectly capable of chatting with her friends about what she’d like to do for her birthday without a parent having to take control.

If certain parents wanted to check in to confirm details that’s absolutely fine. They probably just wanted you double check their kids weren’t fibbing and actually off to drink vodka in a field!

It’s fine that you didn’t contact parents but it’s also fine that they contacted you.