Did I misjudge this? (14 yr old birthday party)

[Oricolt]

It's not really a big deal. I'm just curious to know what others think - especially the parents of other younger teenage girls.

Dd turned 14 a few weeks ago. She and I had lots of chats about how she wanted to celebrate. Like a lot of families, it's a choice between a cheaper thing at home and inviting more friends or an outing of some sort with one or two close friends. Dd decided to invite all her friends back to our house after school for birthday fun, movie and a pizza.

She made a group chat, added all her friends, invited them, gave all the details, when, where, what, what time their grown-up should collect them etc etc. She came up with a craft activity they could all do. It was lovely.

All of the girls have been to our house many times before. They've all been mainstays of each other's birthday celebrations for years.

I made cake, got snacks, ordered pizza, checked on the girls, and was vaguely around in case an adult was needed.

One thing I didn't do was message the other parents. Should I have? I didn't feel it was necessary at 14. Dd was entirely capable of sorting it all out herself and it went without a hitch.

I'm pondering for a couple of reasons - one, because 4 of the mums sent me a message to check on the plans. And two, because, now I think about it, everyone else's birthday invitations are coming from their mums to me ("Hey, Lucy is turning 14 on the 20th and she would like to invite your dd to... etc")

Have I gone hands off too soon? I don't mind if I have. Just wondering.

She's 14, it's fine for her to arrange her own social life.

14 is fine to sort her own party, but I can understand parents checking that there really is a party, just in case your DD had gone rogue and invited loads of people without telling you!

It all went fine. Someone has to be the one to let go of the reins first. More and more will follow suit.

I'm surprised by parents doing this for 14 year olds. I wouldn't have had this done for me aged 14 and that's 26 years ago before digital comms making it easier. So I think what you did is fine.

At 14 it’s absolutely fine. The teens can arrange their own time/lifts etc.

I still organise the party for my 13 year old (turning 14) and I’d definitely check with the parents first if my child told me they were attending a party. But bright way is wrong

How do you even have the numbers of the other parents? I didn’t have this when my DC got to secondary school, they just arranged their own social lives directly with their friends.

By this age, my daughter did all the communication about this kind of thing.

If your DD was happy to start taking over arrangements then you haven’t gone hands off too soon.
All teenagers are different, just take the lead from them. If parents want to contact you to double check then that’s fine.
You can ask your DC , do you want me to arrange it this year, or are you happy to.
Some teenagers seem to spend more time messaging over changeable arrangements than actually making a concrete plan.
One of mine (having taken over arrangements previously) flipped back and invited her friends but also said “ I’ll give you contact details so you can confirm drop off and pick up arrangements “ for the 17th but to be fair it was a rural adventure activity place with no public transport options.

This!
I have one mum's number because we are taking her child on holiday with us soon. Other than that I have no way to contact my daughter's friends parents.
Most people I know leave their children to organise their own social lives as soon as they start high school.

Sounds fine to me but ok for parents checking too just to make sure that is where they are going.

DS would have been mortified if I got involved in communicating birthday plans with friends at that age. While in high school he’s gone out with a small group to cinema/escape room etc. followed by a meal (we paid, gave a limit on numbers), or had more people at home and we’ve agreed numbers, food, timings, and vaguely been around in the background.

If it was a trip I was paying for I’d message the parents to make sure they were available before booking/could get to the venue or need an lift etc.

A party at my house I’d leave it to DC at that age - although I know the mum of at least one of my youngest’s friends would still message me to confirm!

I agree with @pilates.
If it is a later than usual finish they were probably just checking that their kids hadn't made up the party in irder to sneak off with a boy/ down to the park with a bottle of cider!

YANBU- I think you’re doing a great job supporting your daughter’s growing independence, organising her own party is great for her organisational, social skills and confidence. Brilliant you are allowing her to do this, you both sound great!

At that age no absolutely fine! I always called other parents to check to see if a sleepover arrangement was ok if I had been told about one but not for this! similarly if lifts were needed afterwards for timing purposes and parents needed that info then yes. But in this scenario no.

They have likely been friends since primary school, hence parents having each others numbers.

I just invited my friends at that age and my friends told their own parents what was going on.
My mum didn’t even know many of my friends parents.

At that age you don’t need to be involved any more than you have been. It’s perfectly fine. In the not so distant future many of them will be preparing to leave home & go to uni etc. Making plans and organising things are small steps towards gaining independence. Can you imagine joining the workforce at 18 and your boss asking you to book a meeting room and send out the invitations for a corporate event and not knowing how because your mums always double checked the arrangements for you.

This. I only know the numbers of the parents of DS’s primary school friends, because they’re friends of mine, too, none of the secondary ones.

At that age they should be handling their own social life. I would take parents double checking as a sign of the parents not trusting their own child.

What you did was fine. I stopped organising things for DC when they started high school. Dd's only went to high school with a couple of people from primary so I don't know most or any of the parents.

I did get the number of one parent (I had never met) in year 7/8 as dd1 was going to a sleepover. I try to check it's okay for DC to go to other peoples houses, just in case it's not convenient for the parents and DC have decided between them.

I think you did fine. But it is different for other parents - some kids don’t communicate at all to their parents and don’t let them know they’ll be going out, where they’re going, and parents may be trying to pin them down for info (eg let me know if you’re out because we were all supposed to be going go aunt Sarah’s that day, or because you’ll need a lift, or because that was the day you have a dentist appointment etc etc). So they may just be trying to find out timings because their teen isn’t telling them, and it impacts on the rest of the family one way or another.

Mine were just about arranging parties themselves at that age, but the parties they went to were beset with friends having to drop out because “apparently we were going to the theatre that afternoon and NOBODY TOLD ME” or similar, where the teens hadn’t actually checked if they were free or not.

I nag mine to ask their friends to check if they’re actually free or not. And at that age I’d probably have messaged the parents I knew in a “just in case yours hadn’t passed any of this on, they’re round at ours on sat afternoon”. But mine were very unsocial boys and generally didn’t do much social arranging, so they were both a little inept at it at that age!

I would be very happy that you went hands off and thus allowed me to.
its the other way round that is getting me cross - parents of my 17 year olds friends still texting me to sort stuff for them -‘ go away, I’ve done my time of 16 years of this, they can do it’
so in conclusion, I would have been delighted with your way.

I'm a parent of a 14yr old so know that ds could arrange this himself. But I'm also a form tutor to a year 9 group (13 and 14) and know the wild disparities in ability, parenting and intent. Some are still very young in temperament, some have parents who have commitments or experiences which means they need concrete confirmation and some 14yr olds are up to all sorts and parents are picking up the pieces. So while you'll get a certain perspective from a self-selecting forum of engaged parents, there's a wild spectrum of normal. You do what is right for you and some parents will still need to do what is right for them.