Dd having a meltdown every night - help!

[liveforsummer]

Dd16 has recently decided she’s got an aversion to dd12 not wearing socks. Dd prefers to have bare feet after she gets home for the day and this has been going on on and off for a while now but the last week or so it’s been every night, screaming and shouting, crying, telling her little sister she’s disgusting. Im pretty sure she’s heard a friend saying they hate feet as usually these little quirks are copied from someone else and are forgetten about after a few months. It’s just started again and I’ve had to leave the house as am at the end of my tether with it I’m a single parent working 3 jobs to pay for their hobby, am exhausted and want to chill on the rare evenings I am at home. Last night it was just as we sat down to the tea dd16 had requested and I’d spent ages making and I ended up going to my room instead of eating. I’m going to have to go back as dd12 is messaging me begging and saying she’s throwing things at her and screaming but I just can’t cope with the meltdowns anymore and needed away from it as no amount of reasoning was working. I used to just tell dd to put her socks on but don’t feel she should get to dictate something like this so have stopped and this is why it’s escalated. Any advice. I’ve had no problem with her in 16 years apart from some bits of other nasty words towards her sister from time to time so minister of this is just an excuse. I highly doubt she’s truly triggered by her feet. No other issues. I’m stumped!

Tell your older DD to grow up.

And don’t leave your 12 year old to cope with her sister’s violence.

If your elder DD persists then perhaps stop paying for the hobby until she’s a bit more mature.

Older DD is bullying younger...you need to step in swiftly and put a stop to it.

How is your house warm enough not to have blocks of ice for feet, if no socks or slippers are worn?
misses point totally and utterly, as I sit here in thick wool socks and sheepskin slippers

screaming and shouting, crying, telling her little sister she’s disgusting… dd12 is messaging me begging and saying she’s throwing things at her and screaming but I just can’t cope with the meltdowns anymore
Tough. You do not get to opt out. You do not get to walk out. If you ever do that ahain, take dd12 with you. You do not leave a child with a teenager who is being aggressive and violent towards them. Wtf. You parent your children.

no amount of reasoning was working.
Why are you reasoning with her irrational behaviour? You cannot reason with the irrational. You tell her to pipe down immediately and go to her room until she can behave better.

Maybe speak to the gp about a counselling referral.

where is their father?

I went back obviously. She’s never been violent in her life. Didn’t even hit out once as a toddler. She’s in her room. I’ve told her she needs to grow up and get a grip and she’s sobbing and says she can’t help it. Funny thing is no one else’s feet seem to bother her

i did go back immediately. I had no idea she’d throw anything, she’s literally never been violent in her life. Dd asked me to come back and I did. I’m just so exhausted, I had 2 hours sleep on Saturday night as work was extra busy and was so stressed in the moment. Their father isn’t involved

I have 2 pairs of socks and fluffy crocs on. Dd2 is a warm bod and always in way less layers than anyone else

Podophobia is a known phobia fastening to bare feet.

Possibly DD12’s bare feet are a catalyst and displacement for something else going on for DD16 too.

Perhaps take her to see your GP and ask for a referral.

I’ve told her that her competition on Saturday is cancelled, That now leaves me taking only her friend who was only going because dd was. She’s also been told she won’t be coming along to the long weekend stay away competition next month if this ever happens again. I try to avoid using it as punishment as she’s at the age where most drift away in favour of hanging out with friends, boys and parties etc but she’s stuck in and is really dedicated.

You have cancelled her competing in a competition? That was so daft of you.

Something productive and healthy in her life and you have removed it

you could have surely removed her phone for the a few days or grounded her or literally anything else

This is what I’m wondering if it’s something else as she’s never reacted to anyone else feet. We stay at my friends often who has underfloor heating so she and her daughter are often with bare feet (I have raynauds so do always have mine covered, they are always cold) and there has never been a reaction. Her daughter who is 7 climbs all over her with bare feet. Apparently that’s different as they are baby feet! I will call the GP. If nothing else maybe it will embarrass her out of it if she is just making a fuss vs anything deeper going on

She’s not bothered about her phone. She wouldn’t care. This is why I’ve never used the hobby before but it was suggested upthread (or really does all cost about of money) she’s studying for exams. Grounding her would presumably mean not competing? She’s been coming home most days after school. She wouldn’t really miss anything else

Grounding means whatever YOU want it to means

but never in a month of Sundays would I stop my child competing in a hobby at 16. No way.

I would rather have bare feet than sweaty feet

Call the drs you will soon find out how dedicated to her aversion she is

Even for assault on her younger sister?

Yes. I would have stopped all pocket money for a month and grounded for 2 weekends. Plus no phone until the weekend (and she would miss it)

On a wider point, she sounds like she needs some professional al support.

She is practically an adult and seems to have no control at all over what appears to be violent tendencies

Yes I think this is the obvious answer here. Thank you. So tired and just lost it earlier after 2 nights in a row of rare chilled evenings being ruined.

She has form for breaking her phones which I can’t afford to replace, she’s really fine without one. She’s definitely never shown any signs of violence before in her life. As I said previously she never even hit out as a toddler. Not even once! She doesn’t get pocket money for me to stop. She gets the ema grant for staying on at school which is paid by the local council in to her own bank account

I hate feet. Especially bare feet. And adult feet are worse than kids feet for sure. But if someone has bare feet in the house ( which is often) then I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Your elder DD is being really horrible to her younger sister and it’s not acceptable. I don’t blame you for being fed up but I think you shouldn’t leave your younger daughter to try and deal with being bullied by her older sister.

I also wouldn’t book a GP appointment because your daughter doesn’t want her sister to have bare feet. I’m not sure how you expect the GP to help with that.

Of course she socialises. She was at a party last Saturday. Usually goes out with friends after school but exams are in a couple of months so they are all mostly heading home to study if not at sports. Didn’t have plans this coming weekend due to competition

I’m not use the gp can do anything but i wonder like a pp said, if the ‘phobia’ might miraculously be cured when faced with one upcoming to discuss it. If it doesn’t then refer for counselling as the extreme reaction isn’t something any of us can live with

Yes, somehow this does not seem normal. I don’t think punishing her will help in this case.

The GP wouldn’t be able to do anything but they could refer your daughter to someone who could.