I ran into my ‘ex’ recently after 4 years no contact and can’t work out how I’m feeling about it

[Katelikescake]

Sorry if this gets long there is a lot to unpack. I dated someone and fell for them hard. They lived with their 'ex' and I was told they weren't together and lived together for the kids. Naive me trusted that given that we messaged non stop and saw each other all the time. We really seemed connected on every level, saw each other cry, nights away etc. so to me it was a real relationship the entire time and we were together a reasonable while. He always seemed so emotionally available and sensitive.

I never went to his place when his 'ex' was there but I did when she was out occasionally and the kids asleep upstairs. We also worked together and often drove in and home together etc, so to me I didn't see any obvious red flags that he was hiding anything from me. The closest was once after we were intimate when he broke down in tears about his home situation and not wanting to not live with his children. I didn't glean from that that they were still together though, more that he didn't want to move out?

Anyway at some point it became clear his 'ex' was his girlfriend when she stumbled upon some of our messages and it all kicked off and he had to come clean to me. At this point I had changed jobs. He called me the following day in tears an absolute mess, telling me the truth and that he loved me but obviously couldn't see me anymore.

I was beyond heartbroken and had never felt pain like it. For the breakup but also for how convincing a liar he was, it felt like I didn't know him at all. He told me that day they hadn't slept together in years and it was very 'housemate' like but he couldn't bare to be a part time dad. And they couldn't afford to split. I still don't know where the lies end and truth begins but it didn't matter after that either way.

Anyway, roll on coming up 4 years. Things were tough at first I was so depressed, but eventually I met someone new. Someone very much single! I am in such a good place in my life right now and content in this relationship. He has barely entered my mind at all these past few years.

One day, I'm at the gym when guess who strolls in! I didn't have an emotional reaction but it was a bit awkward and I just avoided him. Turns out we seem to be on a similar gym schedule. I just pretended he wasn't there but he started to say hello to me, I gave a polite hello back and walked away.

A few weeks ago I went to the gym coffee shop after and he also did. We ended up having a very brief conversation while waiting for our drinks to go and that was that. Still no affect on me and i went on with my day.

A few days ago I went to the coffee shop but had the day off so sat with my drink instead of leaving. He came in after me and just sat at the table next to me. It was so bizarre, and then struck up conversation. Again I was polite but not interested in chatting really, next thing I know he joins me at my table.

He starts asking how I am and wanting to know about my life, keeps saying how sorry he is for everything and how he thinks about me all the time. That he is glad I'm happy etc. I shut down any conversation relating back to 'us' and kept to the regular small talk. He stayed chatting to me for like 30 mins until we had both finished our drinks, told me I look great and then we left and went our separate ways.

At first I didn't feel anything beyond surprise that he had just sat chatting to me publicly like that when his girlfriend knows who I am. I am content in my relationship now and in no way hold on to any feelings for him or would consider going back there even if he was single now. (He's not, I didn't ask further).

But in the few days that have followed for some reason I am ruminating on this conversation all the time and I'm not sure why. I don't want to speak to him again or be in his life and am so happy, but I feel quite upset now for some reason and I don't understand why this is? I'm not sure if it's because we had a real conversation this time, and we do still click on a personality level with similar humour etc so it's not like it was overly awkward as such.

I thought I was going to cry today and it took me by surprise as it doesn't make sense? It hasn't brought any feelings back for me but it has brought confusion? Is this normal?

I can't change gyms and I love it there so don't want to have to, but I am now feeling weird about us continuing to run into each other like this. Would probably be easier if he just ignored me, I can't imagine his girlfriend would be pleased to know about it all.

It's such a mess, my boyfriend said I'm quiet tonight and I'm just so in my head and I just don't know why.

Someone please tell me how to shake this!

Someone please tell me how to shake this!

Find your inner fury. This lying fucknugget lied to you and dragged you into an extra marital affair you didn’t know you were involved in. Aside from the potential consequences for you if his girlfriend had decided to blame you and seek revenge, he lied to you, broke your heart and then just fucked off without so much as a by your leave, and now the arrogance of him thinking that he has any business trying to make conversation with you and telling you he thinks about you?! The fucking audacity of this vile little pig.

If he tries to make conversation again, then halt him in his tracks. Ask him exactly what it is he wants from you, because you have zero interest in being friends, or even on nodding terms with someone like him, so you’d really appreciate it if he’d take his guilty conscience and fuck off to bother someone who has any interest in anything he has to say, because that ship has sailed with you.

Get angry instead of sad. What a bloody cheek of him to do that to you! This guy led you on and deceived you, and thinks it's ok to just stroll back into your life and have a chat? What a pisstaker. I think you're going to need to be quite blunt and firm with him, as he's pushing boundaries already and clearly has no decency. If he truly regrets what he did to you he'd have left you well alone and not pulled shit like telling you you're looking great. He's a headfuck. Tell him to fuck off and never speak to you again or you'll tell his partner.

I tend to agree, but would add that you went along with the conversation today.

If you had said “Your lies and selfishness dragged other people into an absolute trail of destruction. It can be very pleasant to sit and chit-chat with you, but I have no respect for you as a man at all. Dishonest, selfish, and now still showing epic entitlement after the months of shit you fed me. You said we “couldn’t” be together once you were uncovered, but I would never have gone near you in the first place. It’s only the fake version of you that women will sleep with, as soon as your actual character makes an appearance. Not a chance mate. I sort of pity you, but mostly it’s nothing at all.

Thinks about you all the time and says you look great?! He's emotionally playing with you, making out he's a nice guy.
Because you're a kind person it's stirred up feelings, confusing boundaries.
Next time you see him at the gym and he tries to talk to you I'd say you're too busy to talk, give him a blank look, nothing to see here, you've moved on and hopefully any strange feelings you have that have got you stirred up will pass in time.

What @WilfredsPies said. Why are you being such a wet lettuce?

Oh god tell him this just no,

if you had told me you were in a relationship I wouldn’t have looked at you never mind slept with you. But instead you absolutely morally bankrupt individual you lied and lied and lied to everyone, I slept with you whilst you me god damn children were in the house and your girlfriend wasn’t there. You seek to blame me - how fucking dare you how fucking dare you come and talk to me how dare you -

thank you everyone. I never braced myself for any conversation as I didn’t think he would be so brazen to do it when his girlfriend knows exactly who I am so it seems so stupid on his part to even try. Not sure if he wanted to ease his conscience or what, I’m not sure what he aimed to achieve there.

i appreciate some of you saying I was too soft, I don’t disagree. I’ve never been one for confrontation and can be a bit of a people pleaser. I couldn’t have caused a scene at my gym, I probably should have got up and left but I was a bit frozen to the spot because he came to my table. It was busy and would have been so awkward for me to walk out in front of a bunch of people.

I will definitely not be engaging in any further chat with him. I just wish he would leave me be and act like I’m not there which is what I do. What could he possibly have to gain from striking up a chat with me if someone told his girlfriend. I don’t want to look as though I am playing a part because I’m definitely not.

im mostly upset with myself. my loving, caring boyfriend has noticed im not myself tonight and I feel like a right shit knowing it’s because of a selfish fool from my past. I am embarrassed to talk to him about it as I don’t want him to think I still have feelings for him as I absolutely don’t, I felt zero attraction whatsoever. But it was an almighty headfuck.

Also to add, I did have a lot of anger at the time obviously and hated him with a passion. That’s just evaporated now as I feel nothing at all for him. So I guess that’s why I also couldn’t channel any anger as it’s as though seeing him has no effect on my emotions at all. Which is why the conversation has now thrown me into a spin as it has had an effect and I am confused as to why.

Is there really no way you can change gyms? I know you shouldn’t have you but I bet he won’t change gyms, I think the anxiety of maybe bumping in to him will be a lot.

Maybe next time he approaches you just say, I really feel uncomfortable speaking to you please do not approach or talk to me again, be firm. Do you think he would listen? Would you still feel weird even if he didn’t speak to you but he us just there?

I think seeing an ex can be weird, especially when things end so badly but remember what a bastard he is, he is trouble, don’t let him get in your head and mess up your lovely life!

Next time he even looks in your direction ,Tell him- you might not have ever stopped thinking about me and think I look great but I wonder what I ever saw in you. Now, I just think you're an absolute cunt. Deceitful and I feel sorry for your girlfriend and even more sorry for your kids having a gutless, lying, loser like you as a father. Keep away from me, don't even look or breathe in my direction ever again.

It's had the affect it has on you likely beacuse he cornered you, he probably knew you were too nice to tell him to jog on.

It's hard to reconcile how someone you loved so much could have treated you like he did, it's perfectly normal to then have things go round in your head, he's disturbed you peace.

Just take some time, maybe journal your thoughts on it all then bin or burn them. It's up to you if you share with your boyfriend, I wouldn't personally beacuse it might be misconstrued by him however you word it.

And as for him being brazen and worrying about his girlfriend finding out he's spoken to you, a leopard never changes his spots, she's daft to even still be with him

The reason I don’t want to change gyms is I can walk to it, and have been a member there since it opened so a long time. He knew full well I was a member there as I was the entire duration we were ‘together’, though he says he forgot. I’m dubious whether that is true.

casually seeing him around I’ve made peace with and can handle that but it feels like each time I see him now it’s a push for a chat and I don’t get why. He knows full well I’d never go anywhere near him knowing what I know now, but the risk to his actual relationship on top of it, it totally baffles me.

He really did corner me and I think I was just quite shocked by his audacity! And then him being all charming.. I feel like most people just couldn’t do that. I’d never approach someone if I had done what he has to them.

I think that’s the thing.. just ruminating on what was true, what wasn’t true, how could he betray me, did he ever care for me at all, was his relationship on the rocks or was it all a load of rubbish..

I guess if he blows up his life due to having a wandering eye that’s on him, but I certainly don’t want to be caught in the crossfire when I was quietly drinking a coffee in the corner..!

He’s joined that gym on purpose. You know that

I would text and say
please don’t approach me or speak to me in the gym, or anyone else, I felt uncomfortable today and do not want any kind of relationship with you.

if he approaches you again report him to the managers and show him your message. They should give him a warning or ban him,

Absolutely

I think in his audacity he thinks he might catch you at a lonely point and start things up again.. his most recent affair had probably just ended and there’s an unaware mistress vacancy

I took it at face value at first but now I’ve thought on it I have begun to wonder too.

but even if I was absolutely brain dead and open to a reconciliation knowing full well he is attached… I still can’t see why he would take the risk with someone his partner knows he has history with over some unknown who he could probably dupe and be seen speaking to without alarm bells going off.

i just can’t make heads or tails of it. So weird. He did admit to also looking on my social media to see how I’ve been etc, though they are mostly private. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense. I’d have thought if he wanted to keep playing this shitty game he would have moved on to the next unsuspecting fool by now. Considering he’s such a talented liar.

Talking about this is helping me find some anger again so that’s good at least!

I no longer have his number or any connection to him. Also, I don’t want to upset his wife by reaching out, although maybe that’s what she probably needs.

OP, you’re giving way too much thought to his motivation, and how it might affect his relationship if his girlfriend got wind etc. It’s irrelevant if he still fancies you and hopes to get back into your knickers, or whether he’s sadistically enjoying knowing he can still cause you a jolt, or that even though he took you for a fool, you’re too soft to tell him to go fuck himself.

These things don’t matter. Find your anger. Focus on yourself.

Tell him to keep his distance if you see him again at the gym. If he ignores that, tell management he’s harassing you.

Sorry I didn’t mean to write wife in my last message. They aren’t married not that it makes what he did any less shitty.

and yes I agree I am quite floored what his motivations are I guess because I’m so shocked by it all. I told him I’m happy now so hopefully that’s shut down any thoughts I would have lost my marbles and be open to sleeping with him again..

Fucker. I had similar except he wasn’t with anyone. He didn’t want a serious relationship and I did. I fell hard for him but when he told me he didn’t want more I ended it.
saw him two years later when I’d met someone else and he told me I was the love of his life and his soulmate! Bit bloody late now mate.

You don't have to cause a scene at the gym. Just report his harassment (and this is what it is - you've been politely shutting him down and he's pushed further and further) to the gym folk. Tell them he's an ex you really don't want to talk to but feel pushed into being polite and could they please tell him that he should not be approaching women at the gym.

You seem confused about your emotions - I think it's maybe that deep down you realise he has no concept of you having any rights. He lied to you when he was dating you, meaning you slept with him when you never would normally, and now he's pushing himself into your time at the gym even though you don't want him to. He doesn't care what you do not want what he has to offer. He likes you and wants you so he's taking what he can regardless of your feelings, needs, etc. Keep reminding yourself that he doesn't respect you at all and that you don't have to smooth his life for him.

@Katelikescake I'd be blunt next time he speaks to you - there will be a next time. Tell him you have no interest in speaking with him and can he just leave you alone now. You have no interest in being friends and what he did was the shittiest thing a person can do. He's gutless, spineless and a liar - there is nothing positive in any of those qualities.

I think it will be good if she does see it! Email?