I ran into my ‘ex’ recently after 4 years no contact and can’t work out how I’m feeling about it

[Katelikescake]

Sorry if this gets long there is a lot to unpack. I dated someone and fell for them hard. They lived with their 'ex' and I was told they weren't together and lived together for the kids. Naive me trusted that given that we messaged non stop and saw each other all the time. We really seemed connected on every level, saw each other cry, nights away etc. so to me it was a real relationship the entire time and we were together a reasonable while. He always seemed so emotionally available and sensitive.

I never went to his place when his 'ex' was there but I did when she was out occasionally and the kids asleep upstairs. We also worked together and often drove in and home together etc, so to me I didn't see any obvious red flags that he was hiding anything from me. The closest was once after we were intimate when he broke down in tears about his home situation and not wanting to not live with his children. I didn't glean from that that they were still together though, more that he didn't want to move out?

Anyway at some point it became clear his 'ex' was his girlfriend when she stumbled upon some of our messages and it all kicked off and he had to come clean to me. At this point I had changed jobs. He called me the following day in tears an absolute mess, telling me the truth and that he loved me but obviously couldn't see me anymore.

I was beyond heartbroken and had never felt pain like it. For the breakup but also for how convincing a liar he was, it felt like I didn't know him at all. He told me that day they hadn't slept together in years and it was very 'housemate' like but he couldn't bare to be a part time dad. And they couldn't afford to split. I still don't know where the lies end and truth begins but it didn't matter after that either way.

Anyway, roll on coming up 4 years. Things were tough at first I was so depressed, but eventually I met someone new. Someone very much single! I am in such a good place in my life right now and content in this relationship. He has barely entered my mind at all these past few years.

One day, I'm at the gym when guess who strolls in! I didn't have an emotional reaction but it was a bit awkward and I just avoided him. Turns out we seem to be on a similar gym schedule. I just pretended he wasn't there but he started to say hello to me, I gave a polite hello back and walked away.

A few weeks ago I went to the gym coffee shop after and he also did. We ended up having a very brief conversation while waiting for our drinks to go and that was that. Still no affect on me and i went on with my day.

A few days ago I went to the coffee shop but had the day off so sat with my drink instead of leaving. He came in after me and just sat at the table next to me. It was so bizarre, and then struck up conversation. Again I was polite but not interested in chatting really, next thing I know he joins me at my table.

He starts asking how I am and wanting to know about my life, keeps saying how sorry he is for everything and how he thinks about me all the time. That he is glad I'm happy etc. I shut down any conversation relating back to 'us' and kept to the regular small talk. He stayed chatting to me for like 30 mins until we had both finished our drinks, told me I look great and then we left and went our separate ways.

At first I didn't feel anything beyond surprise that he had just sat chatting to me publicly like that when his girlfriend knows who I am. I am content in my relationship now and in no way hold on to any feelings for him or would consider going back there even if he was single now. (He's not, I didn't ask further).

But in the few days that have followed for some reason I am ruminating on this conversation all the time and I'm not sure why. I don't want to speak to him again or be in his life and am so happy, but I feel quite upset now for some reason and I don't understand why this is? I'm not sure if it's because we had a real conversation this time, and we do still click on a personality level with similar humour etc so it's not like it was overly awkward as such.

I thought I was going to cry today and it took me by surprise as it doesn't make sense? It hasn't brought any feelings back for me but it has brought confusion? Is this normal?

I can't change gyms and I love it there so don't want to have to, but I am now feeling weird about us continuing to run into each other like this. Would probably be easier if he just ignored me, I can't imagine his girlfriend would be pleased to know about it all.

It's such a mess, my boyfriend said I'm quiet tonight and I'm just so in my head and I just don't know why.

Someone please tell me how to shake this!

This guy wants to use and lose you again. What he did the first time is despicable and hurt you. Don't fall for it again, move on with your life.

So I just want to clarify for those of you who are essentially telling me to give my head a wobble, in no uncertain terms I will NEVER be open to going anywhere near him again. Just because I froze to the spot and couldn’t react, it doesn’t mean I am being receptive. I appreciate for some of you this would be easy, but I don’t do confrontation, I am not the most outspoken person and I am generally quite quiet so it wouldn’t be in my nature to respond in that way.

i am HAPPY in my relationship and not looking for any validation, attention or flirtation from anyone and least of all him. I am not sure what part of anything I’ve said in this thread would ever have alluded to that.

i ran into him again yesterday, I had to go on a different day due to a schedule conflict. He tried to make a playful comment toward me, I rolled my eyes and put my headphones in for the duration of the workout. I walked off without a glance in his direction. He did a lap of the gym looking for me it was obvious, then kept watching me and trying to be sly. It’s grim. Hardly going to make me feel anything positive toward him with that behaviour.

then the audacity to come right up to me before he left (I arrived a while after him I assume) and say see you later as though we are pals. I am definitely finding the anger due to his absolute entitlement. I will be making myself as unapproachable as possible so hopefully he gives up.

but I will not be changing the gym I have gone to for a decade where I know all the staff as well as some friends/family, and has other facilities that I can’t find elsewhere (that he doesn’t even bloody use)

You've got this. You owe him nothing not even a glance.

Yes.

tell him he has 2 choices.

1. He joins a new gym.
2. He persists and you'll contact his wife /dp / girlfriend / whatever and tell her hes been sniffing around again and she arent interested but thought she should now.

He doesnt need to know you dont have the details.

Well done for finding the strength to make yourself unapproachable. However I do think you’d be better off saying (not unkindly but very plainly): “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be in contact with you. Not in the gym or out of it. Please don’t approach me again.”

If you’re feeling nervous about his reaction, say this where others can overhear and step in. There are lots of men, whether through ignorance or actual ill intent, who will interpret silence or a woman ignoring them as acceptance - or worse, a challenge. You don’t need to be confrontational but you do need to tell this man unequivocally that you don’t want him to approach him again. Don’t rely on him picking up signals. Speak clearly and plainly.

Better to get it out there and have done with it than to have to constantly be watching over your shoulder for his next attempt. This is also a clear and important step to take in case he escalates and you are put in a position of telling the gym that he’s harassing you.

This.

I think that you may find yourself in a situation that you cannot extricate yourself from unless you stop this right now. Try harder.

I am concerned that you are investing a lot of time and energy in trying to gauge his intentions and feelings towards you.

Speak to the staff, OP. Most gyms have policies on harrasment.

I couldn’t give a shit about his feelings, I’m not sure he is even capable of feeling genuine ones. Who treats the mother of their kids that way.. even if things had gone stale, it’s the most disrespectful thing a human can do.

yes I am trying to work out his intentions, I think it’s human nature, I can dislike him and be frustrated at the same time as to what game he is trying to play. And that’s not out of some hopeful angle that he may still be holding a torch for me or something, it’s because I’m genuinely flabbergasted that after almost losing his family he would have the audacity to come back for a second go.

his poor girlfriend is either so besotted by him she forgives his poor behaviour or she just has no backbone, and this is the respect she gets for letting it slide. I am half as wound up by it for her as for myself.

Then tell her and/or get rid of him from your gym

I won’t be contacting anyone. It’s not my place to warn her, she clearly knows what he is like. I won’t be inserting myself into drama by contacting her, I’m sure he will spin that to be that I’m unhinged or the one initiating chats etc

and even less likely to contact him, I don’t have the means to, and no way will I be reaching out even if it is to essentially say fuck off. Wouldn’t surprise me if he just sees that as he got to me and is in my head.

last gym session was fine, as per most of the advice here - put headphones in and don’t engage is my plan. Hopefully he will get bored and back off. I will not be causing a scene in any way, I just want to get on with my life and ignore his existence.

He's clearly sniffing around isn't he? Good on you for shutting that shit down.

Where did the kids suddenly come from in this story?

Surely you would have seen signs of children in a space very large for two adults?

Why won't you tell your boyfriend? I would pointedly drag him along and maybe ask him to have a 'little word' in his ear. He may at least consider moving.

Exactly this.

He's obviously sniffing around and hoping for round 2.

You need to cut him down and make it clear in no uncertain terms you're not interested and never will be. And tell him to leave you alone while you're working out, and that you want to leave the past in the past and have no further contact.

If you have to write it down and hand him a letter as you leave the gym, do it. I'm not very confrontational, so this is probably what I would do.

Suddenly? They were always there? I’m not sure you’ve read my posts properly. He never lied about them?? Perhaps the only truth he told me who knows.

my boyfriend doesn’t go to that gym, and I don’t need him to fight my battles. I’ve had some good advice now that has been very helpful, sorry but this is just unhinged. I am perfectly capable of dealing with this myself.

That’s actually not a bad idea. I don’t want to interact but that would get the point across without him being able to respond.

im feeling a lot better about things now. Honestly a bit of rage about how shitty of a human he is. I would never ever so much as initiate small talk with him let alone consider rekindling. Are men really this deluded if he thinks there is a chance in hell. It’s actually funny. But pondering on that has just made me so mad that he actually thinks that would be possible. Like even if for some unhinged reason I was somehow into him after all he has done, I’d just merrily go there with the full knowledge of his family? The mind really does boggle.

i truly hope he is a very rare breed and that the majority of men aren’t like this.

I’ve already stopped thinking around it so much to be honest, im just angry. I am going to avoid the gym for a week just so I am not showing up like clockwork when he thinks I will be. Then I will go back to my regular schedule and treat him like the ghost he is.

He obviously wants to start another affair. I would speak to the gym management and explain that he is bordering on harassment while you're just trying to use the facilities.

I think you need to listen to tha podcast which explains the difference between Hinters and Askers. You are a hinter and are hoping that “polite” “showing” and “headphones” will carry out a function even your anger won’t allow you to do.

He won’t take the hint, why would you expect him to? Really, in relation to him specifically, why do you think hinting will work, when it suits his agenda for it not to?

You have already conceded the “Oh yes, we’re still friendly” ground to him. I mean that chat was friendly, so you are “still friendly” with him.
He (conveniently) assumes, that if you wanted nothing to do with him, you would say so, and by not saying (as opposed to hinting) you are in effect demonstrating through your actions that he is acceptable company to you.

In the simplest terms OP, your not liking confrontation is leading to the exact thing you are trying to avoid. You need to grow a backbone and put him completely back in his box. No pathetic little notes, clear direct unambiguous spoken language.

Why did you sit and chat with him? I'd have got up and just walked away?

Feel a bit for your new fella.

I think if he approaches you again, even after you have been giving him the cold shoulder, you will need to be explicit. It doesn’t have to be a massive speech. Just something along the lines of ‘I spoke to you last time to be polite, but I’m not interested in engaging in small talk with you, please leave me alone.’ And then walk off.

Honestly, sounds like you couldn't paint a red neck on that guy with a blowtorch.

OP, he's a horrible, lying shit and you'd be reasonable (and wise) to tell him in no uncertain terms to stay the fuck away from you.

He’s a player and he loves the thrill of misleading you and his gf at the same time. You keep saying you worry that he will blow up his life “again” or trigger his gf in some way. But that’s not a problem for him at all—and its certainly not a problem for you to worry about. He LOVES cheating snd also enjoys being found out and seeing how much he matters to his gf who will never throw him out. This is actually his cycle. You just don’t understand your place in it. You were just one of a number of women that he seduces and keeps on his string for validation. Possibly he is between mistresses at the moment and hecwants to see if he can plow an old field again.

Look up “”covert narcissist “ and look at Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do that.” Im pretty sure you will find him there under category like “seemingly feminist/pleasant” bf who is serially unfaithful. Its a special kind of abusive relationship because its so stealthy. You end up feeling complicit and your trust in yourself is destroyed while they play the hopeless romantic.

If a snake bites you, you don’t sit around worrying about the snake’s motivation.

You either run away, or chop its head off with a shovel.

In your place I would:

Tell the snake to never speak to me again.

Tell my BF I was upset as an ex was harassing me at the gym.

Tell the gym staff I’m upset by an ex harassing me at the gym.

Boundaries. This man was a shit but you chatted politely with him. This tells him you have weak boundaries that he can manipulate. It makes you feel crap because you have not enforced boundaries. You displace this by worrying about your partner or his. If you enforce boundaries this will all go away for you. If you struggle with setting and sticking to boundaries you should consider counselling.

No confrontation required, take a deep breath and say "Go away." Nothing more. Turn away. Do not speak to him again unless it is to repeat the 2 words above.

If he were stupid enough to continue trying to talk to you raise your voice and say loudly "GO AWAY!" Hard stare.

I can promise you, this will work.

I don't do confrontation but I will stick up for myself rather than let someone labour under the misaprehension.

Come on, put a stop to this nonsense of his. He's a CF.