When children leave home - what is it like?

[Toosoonforahotcrossbun]

You are going to think I am crazy.

It has literally just popped in to my head that my children will leave home one day.

I know I sound mad. Of course I knew that but it’s just occurred to me they will leave home and it will just be DH and I. It won’t be the 4 of us anymore. I want to pause time and stay like this for longer.

It’s devastating!!

Does it feel natural when the time comes?

Please tell me it does!!

You've probably get another 10-15 years before you have to worry about it then 😂

I think it can be very hard.

I also think the teenage years are challenging for parents and it can be a relief.

It’s important to just let them go. And then they come back often or keep in touch a lot. 🤞

Fabulous

Believe me, by thd time you've been through the teenage years you'll embrace it 😂

I see my parents and sister more now than I did when I lived with them! My husband is the same! You might end up with a set up like us!

OP, when my 2 DC left home within 2 years of each other,it honestly felt like bereavement, I couldn't eat or sleep, it was just the 3 of us for 23 years then suddenly they had left home living their own lives.

What helped me was I decided to downsize, best decision,I now love living alone.

I am amazed by these threads, especially as my DH has a cousin who was murdered in the US,that is grief, bereavement, it Finnished his aunt,not an adult leaving home naturally. Surely these kids are out and about all the time,you hardly seen teenagers anyway. No wonder we have so many young adults with mental health issues and are unable to cope with independent living. Each generation seems to get worse. My late DM left school at 14, left home at 18 (tiny hamlet in Sussex) moved to London when the Blitz was on. Late DF had National Service in Cyprus and Egypt at that age. He absolutely loved it,made some lifelong friends, learnt to drive , mechanics and engineering.

It’s wonderful. My eldest graduated last year and lives in london and the youngest is in his 2nd year at Uni. I love my freedom and that they are both having wonderful experiences in the world. I didn’t have them to keep them with me forever.

ETA DD best friend died last year at 21 THAT was devastating your DC growing up and becoming independent is not!

Both dc were increasing out and about from 16 and once they passed their driving test were completely independent so it was a gradual reduction in doing stuff together. It felt like a milestone when ds went to uni and then when his brother went overseas but it was natural and what they wanted. I felt sad in away but also wanted them grasp my new life without them here. Dh and I realised that we needed to plan things for us, be active in doing things rather than just sit. It is liberating in many ways.

I’ve still got one at home, but compared to when all of them were here(bio and stepkids) it’s glorious! I’ve had a week off work this week and for most of it I’ve sat in silence!

I've got 2 back home post uni and gained a boyfriend! They're all saving to buy and while I can't help them by giving money, I can just about manage to cover their addition to the household bills so they can save. There's a six month plan and then it's new carpets, a guest room and a gym.

I'll miss them, it's lovely having a full home and they do take turns to cook, do their own washing etc.

That said, they're all out tonight and it's bloody lovely.

I agree with the first reply: they may be with you longer than you anticipate. All of mine left home to go to uni and three of them are back, saving up for house deposits. One came back for a year but has now moved for work. When they first left, I cried for a bit and felt sad for a bit longer, but each time they go, the parting becomes easier. I used to comfort myself thinking they would be back in X number of weeks. It is more bearable to think that way. Now, I enjoy their company but also wish they would move out as it will mean they are getting on with their lives.

@Nannyfannybanny no need to be amazed. The wonderful thing about mumsnet is that we can talk about these things freely.

My children are wonderful - now 12 and soon to be 16 they are thriving with lots of skills that will support them to be independent when the time is right. I don’t worry about them in that sense.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t be devastated when they leave!! But it won’t “finish me”

Of course I am raising them to be independent and hope they will have healthy, loving relationships…but it doesn’t mean I can’t be sad that our little bubble will be burst at some point.

It seems I’m not alone though!!

DH and I definitely do have plans for when things change - even now things are easier now that the dc are a bit older. I can definitely see the benefits but I would prefer to hit pause for a while

My daughter is 26 this year and still here lol. They might not leave as quickly as you think!

However, my 20yo did move out just before Xmas and it was a bit strange but by the time they do they are usually doing their own thing a lot anyway and it feels a natural progression.

My youngest is 16 and when she moves out I’m going to downsize and move into town as I’ll be alone then so will want easier access to activities and meeting people plus I’ll be less reliant on a car if I’m in town.

When the youngest leaves, it feels very strange. Saying goodbye to them in their uni halls, I had phantom umbilical pain. But after a few weeks, you adjust. You get used to having a quieter, tidier house and food still in the fridge. Then they come back from uni, and it's a whole readjustment again!

Was in bits but it is great for them to fly the nest. If you have a good relationship it stays solid and you get to enjoy quality time. Enjoy them when they’re wee OP. When they ready to leave it starts a whole new adventure and empty nest, you do get used to it. Bit like when they go to school. Also amazing to see them being good people in the big world. Coming home also becomes a special event. Nothing beats that and they only get one Mum and Dad. They say all we can give them is roots and wings. Chances are they’ll appreciate you and DH more than ever, and from what I hear DGC are amazing too and another thing to look forward to in long run. Just keep doing best job you can meantime and make lots of memories they’ll cherish forever.

I would have preferred not to be amazed, frankly. I have a good friend of over 40 years,her ds joined army. He was in Hellmand, she was worried stuff, never let him know that. I was in a fire as a child, late DM burned all the skin on her hands saving me! Late DF born 1923,lied about his age to join up.i was nursing over 40 years, when you have seen very sick small kids,worked on burns, plastics, seen the worst and saddest parts of human suffering, your child leaving home doesn't even leave a dent.

I think you’ve maybe misunderstood the tone of the thread.

Of course there is suffering in the world. Everything is subjective isn’t it. But because something bad is happening somewhere else, this won’t harden my heart to this and probably many other events that are emotional.

I could have filled my OP with bad things that have happened to us as a family - including very sick small kids. Because we have been through that doesn’t make me think that everything else will be easy and without emotion.

The thought of not living with your small children is hard … the reason the teens are often such a challenge is so you’re ready for them to move on 🤣

I found it incredibly hard. Sorry! When I dropped dd at University I cried on and off all the way home-and it was a 400 mile drive! I still love it when they pop back.

Too quiet. I was sad when my youngest left.He lived here with his girlfriend for a couple of years while they saved for a house deposit. I missed them at first. But you adjust.

Well there's lots of worse things in the world than kids growing up and leaving home. Doesn't mean we can't be sad about it still. If I thought of the worse thing that's happened to a kid in the UK this year and compared my stress and upset that and used that as a emotional benchmark, I'd be dead inside.

So often on MN it becomes a "what about...." and we could all do that couldn't we?

" I found my dh in bed with my twin sister" Well, what about all the sisters who have died? What about the husbands who gave died?

How dies this help anyone? Yes it could always be worse. Inc every possible situation you could think of. Someone has it worse. Always.

I dread it! Hopefully we have a good few years before that happens. We’ve already chatted about it with him as he’s 14 and he knows he’s welcome to live with us as long as he likes but he will be paying rent when he has a full time job. I’ve set that expectation now as he knows it’s expected but doesn’t need to be paid to us but put in a savings account. Told him we want to see 1/3 to general savings, 1/3 to house savings and 1/3 for him to spend whilst he is living at home (post uni/college/higher education).

It’s devastating!!

It really isn't. It's a natural progression. When your children are ready to fly the nest it means that you have done a good job.
As the parent of a student doing post grad I frequent higher education forums and feel sad when parents post that their children will need supported living for the rest of their lives for one reason or another.

Does it feel natural when the time comes?

Yes, definitely.

Please tell me it does!!

Yes, definitely.

The house is cleaner and tidied and we get to watch what we want on TV.

Yes. This is so true. I had DD at 41 and was ready to get my old adult life back.

Everyone says you get your life back but the life I had before children was completely different and I was much younger so it's actually a case of having to start building a new life.

@Bigearringsbigsmile I certainly got my life back and upped my working hours. I also joined a few groups and go out more now. I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you say you were young when you had your DC though. DH and I were much older and the fact that DD is an only child and we have no family nearby meant that it was essential that she became independent because we won't always be around for her.