Increasingly feeling ill at ease in busy places as I get older?

[Appleski]

Was out yesterday to meet two friends in the nearest city for a catch up, we started with a coffee and chat, then went round the shops and then for dinner. It was really nice to see them, the food was good and I even bought a treat for myself while at the shops. However I don't think I much enjoyed being out in the city much. It was really busy, there were so many people everywhere I turned it was almost hard to see anything or move at times. I honestly felt a bit overwhelmed. Even on my way home, I was on my own as I go in the opposite direction my my friends but walking though the city at about 9pm with all the people headed to their nights or on the busy train home I almost felt kind of exposed and a strong desire just to get home. All was fine as I got off the train and was picked up by my husband from the station.

It was just such a strange feeling actually but I have had it before at shopping malls in recent time for example. It doesn't feel like fear or anxiety as such but I know its newish in the last few years and I've much preferred to go out when it's quieter during the week. I am pushing 50 and perimenopausal so perhaps that it it? I've never been one for partying, pubs and clubs but I think I used to still quite enjoy the buzz of walking though the town on a Saturday night, seeing everyone excited for their nights out but I didn't enjoy it at all yesterday.

Anyone else noticing this? Is it a sign I'm developing agoraphobia or something or is it just normal?

I’m the same and 20 years younger. I get hot, overwhelmed , can’t relax , the lights of the shopping centres mae me feel dizzy! But put me in a field walking with my dog and I’m in my element! X

I feel like this these days. I was in Camden Market yesterday and hated every second of it as so many people. I don’t think I’ll return, I’m done with that! London in general far too busy.

I’ve realised though that I’m just sick of people. Too many of us everywhere!

The anxiety I’ve realised is more annoyance.

I recognise what you are saying, the population increase is to blame I think, people everywhere, the roads are jammed, queues in shops and cafes, crammed trains. It makes me feel sick. On the road, I feel a mix of frightened and enraged at the hold ups and speed. It's horrible,

I feel the same @Appleski

I think that sometimes we don’t enjoy things anymore. I get no pleasure from shopping, not age related, not how busy, more there’s nothing I want to buy, frustrating. Also can’t be bothered with busy restaurants etc where you wait ages when you can go to nicer places near me where they treat you better

As I’ve gotten older I’ve felt the same. I went to a concert a while back, standing only. I was fine in the queue but once the show started I made the mistake of looking behind me. The sheer amount of people really unsettled me. I had to fight my way to the edge to get out of the crowd. I must have looked visibly upset as a security guard lent in and yanked me the rest of the way out! Been to loads of gigs and never reacted like that before. I’m 48 so maybe/probably meno related.

I live in rural Norfolk but went to London yesterday to see a show.

The train was absolutely heaving with standing room only due to the rugby. I couldn't face the underground so walked for an hour to get to the theatre and it was incredibly busy with lots of dodging groups and small children and people walking 3 abreast. I walked back across London much later and there were hen and stag parties, large groups and people queueing to get into places. I once would have enjoyed the people watching and the frivolity and joy of it all. But instead I felt harassed, hemmed in and just wanted to get home.

I swore I wouldn't let this happen to me.

Same here OP - early 50s

Nope. 57. Love visiting London and other cities. It makes me feel more alive.

I'm the same op I hate feeling stuck in slow moving crowds especially at this time of year with coughing and sneezing everywhere.

I used to to bars and clubs regularly when younger! The thought now of an underground bar packed with people jostling and dancing fills me with dread.

I suppose as an adult we think more about the dangers ? What if there was a fire (swtixland ) or terror attack (.bataclan ) and so on

Thanks everyone, interesting that many feel the same. Not sure if I'm just so used to being on my own now (WFH as self employed) all week these days in a relatively peaceful place that being "out" feels a bit intense. I've always been an introvert and a bit of a homebody although I've always enjoyed a bit of travelling, music and art galleries so perhaps its just my natural introversion. There are a lot of people these days though even in a shopping mall recently on an early mid week morning it was impossible to find a seat to have a cup of tea in any of the cafes as they were all full. I'm positive that in the past that time was pretty quite.

I wonder if like me living in a peaceful place overtime sort of lowers your defences or ability to cope with the mayhem of the city?

I’m from a big city but have lived in a small town for 8 years. I feel very uncomfortable in big cities now abd when I went to London for work it was really scary. I think it’s just what you get used to

Agree - There are just too many of us on this relatively small island.

I'm the same although older than you. I live in London and don't enjoy going into the centre any more as it's just teeming with people especially at the weekend.
I am also very hard of hearing and struggle to hear companions talk when we are in cages and restaurants. It leaves me so on edge and I can't wait to get home!

I completely relate to everything you said.
In my younger days i was never home , work aside i loved to shop and had a wild social life.
Now in my 50's i crave peace , i am 'peopled out', my job is public facing in parts with constant interaction with my colleagues then home to my busy family , there are too many cars on the road ,too many roadworks causing delays ,just too much of everything !
I actively avoid places that i know will be too busy for me and i have also had the ill at ease feeling and the feeling of needing to get out, i'm not an anxious person either.
Give me a beach whatever the weather and i'm in my element !

I wonder. I live in a quiet village.
Going to London is my worst nightmare and I'll never go again. But also anywhere where there are people in my personal space. My bubble has got bigger as I've got older.
An invitation to a social event makes my heart sink and yet I feel guilty for that as I feel I should go.

I wfh and the past few years I’ve been exactly the same. When I was younger I was always out, lots of friends and always socialising.
Now I only shop first thing when there’s less people, I hate shopping and being out in general. I feel panicky in a queue and traffic. An invitation to an event is a hindrance now but I show up and pretend I’m fine, while itching to get home.
Ive definitely became more introverted as I’ve got older and I’ve always had anxiety but I like to think I’ve got a handle on it.
Ive found forcing myself to go out is helping but I’d like to get to a point where I enjoy being out like I used to.

I feel similar at times. It's definitely worse when I'm tired. How's your sleep?

I think it's a combination of things.

Firstly, being out of the habit. I went "out out" all the time in my twenties and early thirties. Now, not so much. I'm literally just not used to it. You probably aren't either.

Secondly, sadly, age. I'm far from decrepit but at 50 obviously not as young as I was. As I understand it we are at our mental peak in mid 20s so stands to reason that decline slowly starts after that and by 20+ years later even though very gradual it's been going on so long it's noticeable. So that includes things like processing visual and auditory information and in very fast busy environments we're not keeping up to speed like we were, we can feel the difference and that makes us anxious. In addition most of us will be starting to experience small amounts of hearing loss in particular registers, not enough to need aids but enough to make us have to concentrate more intently to hear information, which is tiring and, again, stressful. Add in age related eyesight changes - again these are subtle but include things like close vision deterioration, less accurate depth perception, delay in adjusting to sudden changes in light conditions. It takes additional mental energy to compensate for all that which is, again, tiring and additional strain.

It actually makes me feel a little better thinking this - there isn't anything "wrong" with me as such, I'm not defective, I just need to give myself a bit of a break, a little kind thought. I can still lucky for me, for now, continue to do things I want to do. They won't feel or look the same as they did 30 years ago and that's okay, because neither do I feel or look the same. It's not a catastrophe and I don't need to avoid things, just understand that they feel different, sit with those feelings and help myself navigate them.

even in a shopping mall recently on an early mid week morning it was impossible to find a seat to have a cup of tea in any of the cafes as they were all full

@Appleski was it half term?

Same. I’m done with people. Last week I was with strangers in an unavoidable situation and I felt so uncomfortable like I no longer had any social skills and was like a fish out of water/ rabbit in the headlights. Post menopause.

Dh is like this.
If a supermarket is busy he’ll go and wait in the car.
He has anxiety generally though.

I think the costs of running a business in this country means that if a cafe or restaurant isn't full a lot of the time then it won't survive. So finding a place that has plenty of empty seating is unlikely.

Years ago I used to travel mid morning and the trains were pretty empty. Now those trains don't run anymore and the remaining trains are much busier.

No it wasn't there were no kids at all. It just seemed to be various adults of all ages meeting up which is fair enough, I suppose if more people are work from home some might be working in a cafe or meeting in a cafe during the week?

@CarlaH Thats a good point I suppose although I think it does make it less likely for me to want to go out and do things.