Increasingly feeling ill at ease in busy places as I get older?

[Appleski]

Was out yesterday to meet two friends in the nearest city for a catch up, we started with a coffee and chat, then went round the shops and then for dinner. It was really nice to see them, the food was good and I even bought a treat for myself while at the shops. However I don't think I much enjoyed being out in the city much. It was really busy, there were so many people everywhere I turned it was almost hard to see anything or move at times. I honestly felt a bit overwhelmed. Even on my way home, I was on my own as I go in the opposite direction my my friends but walking though the city at about 9pm with all the people headed to their nights or on the busy train home I almost felt kind of exposed and a strong desire just to get home. All was fine as I got off the train and was picked up by my husband from the station.

It was just such a strange feeling actually but I have had it before at shopping malls in recent time for example. It doesn't feel like fear or anxiety as such but I know its newish in the last few years and I've much preferred to go out when it's quieter during the week. I am pushing 50 and perimenopausal so perhaps that it it? I've never been one for partying, pubs and clubs but I think I used to still quite enjoy the buzz of walking though the town on a Saturday night, seeing everyone excited for their nights out but I didn't enjoy it at all yesterday.

Anyone else noticing this? Is it a sign I'm developing agoraphobia or something or is it just normal?

My “ill at ease” is based solely on personal safety rather than anxiety.

It amazes me how unaware people are of their surroundings because they are absorbed in their phones.

I travel a lot for work and my standard is based on 3 main questions:

1. where are the emergency exits?
2. What is my route to that exit?
3. who is around me?

On trains I position myself to be able to see the whole of the carriage I’m on, if it’s has few people on it, I sit so I can see them, I’m near an exit and get can see a camera.

If it’s busy, my bag with my lap top in front of me to use as a barrier to attack.

Train stations, I’m away from the tracks, near the exit and observing my surroundings. Similar on the underground.
Getting petrol, the same, I scan my surroundings and have my back to my car.
I don’t know a single other person who does this.
I’m a bit weird I get it, but it’s now habit.

@HauntedBungalow, that's a depressing read 😂

I do think you are right though. I'm 55 next birthday and that age is no longer young. We've been fed so much bullshit by celebrities / influencers / the media about keeping age at bay and you can do as much strength training and botox as you like but eyes and ears are still going to age, and that becomes disorientating. I also think that places are so much louder now than they ever were. A lot more people being more noisy, and less polite and respectful to others.

I'd quite like to go back to the country that had 58 million people living in it. Supermarkets and water companies have long disputed official figures. I think we're over 80 million. Certainly feels that way.

You say you’re “pushing 50”? So you’re in your late 40s?

I do find this bizarre.

@hairbearbunches it's only depressing because like you say we've swallowed this horseshit about age being a number, it's all about attitude etc when actually no amount of mental resilience will restore hearing loss or correct age related eyesight problems. What we can do though with all the resilience and fortitude that we have amassed over our blessed years on earth is recognise the challenges we face with honesty, grace, creativity and good humour. Now that is a genuine benefit of ageing.

@Thesofathatwas
I'm not that extreme but I am trying to be vigilant
Good idea about the bag and laptop

I think it’s to do with Covid.

I can totally relate but when I find myself starting to get a bit panicky I remember its that bitch Anxiety and she can fuck off because she is not going to stop me from doing the things I want to do. And I repeat it like a mantra!

I’m 49 and feel exactly the same. I used to love going shopping, clubbing etc. was regularly out. Now I feel really anxious and I hate it

I’m the same, I’m a bit older than you (pushing 60!) but my tolerance for crowds has pretty much disappeared. I used to love being in busy places but now I just feel hemmed in by humanity and hate having my progress impeded by too many people in the way. It’s not anxiety, just annoyance.

Also, the amount of ditherers seems to have increased, people of all ages walking at less than snail’s pace and 5 abreast, so blocking pavements and just getting in the way. When did people get so slow? I’ve slowed down myself, I notice I cannot reach the walking speeds of 20 years ago, but compared to many I’m positively an athlete.

I doubt it. I've seen lots of friends, colleagues and relatives go through it way before Covid.

Some of it is anxiety, but I also think as you become older, you're just more aware of the world around you. You're not in the bubble with your friends and living minute to minute. You're aware of you're responsibilities, mortality and the sheer dumb luck of terrible events in crowds. I think that awareness has to result in a level of discomfort.

I still go to London and I love elements of it, but I need to feel in control as I've built a life and seen some things and that's inevitable. Stuck underground with a swarming populous and with no escape, I am aware of the risk in a way I would have dismissed once upon a time.

@Thesofathatwas that's quite a list! We could all do with thinking along similar lines.

I'm not quite so comprehensive but I do now make a point of scanning my surroundings, explicitly mentally noting them and explicitly mentally noting people and behaviour in my vicinity, like a clear commentary.

I also find what has helped enormously is refusing to be rushed especially when dealing with any kind of financial transaction. So at the checkout for example, you want me to pack my own stuff? Find a loyalty card app so I don't pay £50 for a jar of coffee? Fine, but I'm not going to pack, pay and gather up my purchases in a mad disorganised scramble just because there's a queue. I don't dawdle, but I will be sure I am in control of the tasks I do and that they're at a pace where I'm confident I'm not making errors. After all the amount of young folk I see taking their time transferring money between online accounts while at the till, none of us should feel guilty over taking a split second to make sure our eggs are on top of our tins. I used to always be in a tearing hurry in such situations but since consciously deciding not to be so I feel a lot calmer and I haven't noticed any negative interactions at all as a result.

I’m the same age and feel the same. I had to drive in a city I’ve not been to before. I found the speed limits so confusing, one minute 20 then 30 then back down to 20 and then no signage at all. So many traffic lights and roundabouts and no entry signs and bus lanes. Honestly by the time I parked up I was shaking. The journey was incident free but then I started to worry that maybe I’d get a ticket for some violation I had been unaware of committing.

Also never used to be like this.

I’m mid 50s and still commuting to London 3 days a week so I’m not fazed by crowds, my husband who used to commute to London is now uneasy with the crowds there.

I am 45 and moved from South London to South Norfolk about 20 years ago. I used to love going shopping on my own, would get the tubes and buses to work / shops / potter round central London etc. Now I am too used to living rurally and I love being away from so many people. Yesterday we went to see Wicked in London as a treat (dh, me, dd aged 22 and Ds aged 13) and although I enjoyed the show itself being around so many people was horrible. Crammed into the tube, so much noise and everyone being too close to me. Hated it. I think being peri menopausal and hot and sweaty all the time doesn’t help, but it’s like I’ve just lost the capacity to cope with it all.

The 20-30-20 thing is annoying, even young people think it's a pita. Also there's so much shit and clutter over the roads now, bumps and warning poles and weirdly coloured bits of tarmac (what does beige tarmac mean anyway, does anyone know?), most of it poorly maintained, roundabouts with bloody trees all over the signage etc. It's not age related to be irked with it all.

I still love going into London but I agree with the pp who said to take your time with things as it does help with feeling less panicked.
I also am hyper vigilant, but I have the mind of a cop so always have been!
There definitely are just more people everywhere- on the roads, in the streets, so it can feel overwhelming. Plus our council keeps changing the road layouts and adding confusing road signage and random cycle lanes, so driving has become the fucking Krypton Factor!
Im the same age as you OP btw.

39 here and I feel the same! I've been trying to work out how much is down to me being different and how much is down to the fact places generally are more crowded than they used to be.

Oh another strategy is plan and prepare in advance. If I'm going somewhere new, the night before look up Google maps and street view, if I'm driving write down instructions (not to look at in the car, just to have them stick in my mind), check out where to park, how to pay. And have everything I need ready in my bag the night before, no exceptions. A little bit of extra work beforehand makes things go more smoothly and I feel less rattled overall when I leave the house and can concentrate on what's actually happening around me.

Oh no, I'm pushing 60 and love being out in a crowd, love shopping, busy streets (so long as you can keep moving), bustling cafes, theatres, shows. I've never WFH and never want to.

I had this very very strongly after Covid. I really struggled being in places with lots of people.

i have largely got over it although I am still tempted sometimes to affix swords to my wheelchair to cut a path through swarms of people who apparently cannot see a neon yellow wheelchair.

Same. Just love the buzz of a vibrant city and can't wait to go back to Rome in May. I love London and will be there in August.

I think it's less to do with age and more of what you are used to. I'm in my 30s and feel the same, a really busy shopping centre heaving with people is my idea of hell or going to the supermarket on a busy weekend. DH and I will actively go to places as early as possible so if we do need to go to said shopping centre we're there before it opens to park easily and grab a coffee while waiting for the shops to open up and then we're in and out before the hoardes arrive.

When I was in my 20s I was far less bothered by crowds but then I lived in the city so was used to them, I had to get cramped public transport on a daily basis. Now we don't live rurally but on the edge of a small town so we are 5 minutes from the countryside.....when I go into the city it's really noticeable how much busier and more crowded it is.

I do think places feel busier than they used to. There are a lot more cars on the road and town is busy whatever day of the week it is, not just at weekends. Perhaps it's due to more people working from home and popping out and about. DH and I will sometimes go to a café on our lunch break together where as previously we'd have been in our respective office buildings 20 miles apart so we're also contributing to mid-week business.

I don’t think the increase in working from home has helped with this. Makes people less used to coping in public.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I get back to my market town after visiting somewhere busy. I’d love to move somewhere even quieter too. I’m not anti social, I just find things overwhelming.

Intimations of Boudica! I love it!