Sounds grabby but can't seem to get past it

[LotsOfNothing]

This is long, sorry. And it will sound grabby to many and it sort of is, but I am really struggling to get past it. It is keeping me awake at night and making me feel sick.

I am married with 2 DC (older teens) I have no other living family. I was the only child of an only child (mum) and my dad's few relatives lived on the other side of the world, were not particularly interested and are now also deceased.

My lovely dad worked his whole life (35 years) for a wealthy married childless couple who were my godparents (as a pair) - so the nearest things I had to relatives as a child. They were quite engaged with me as a child but less interested when I got a bit older - 14/15. My dad had many opportunities to leave and earn a lot more money but he was too very loyal, and grateful for the job opportunity they had given him when he first arrived in the UK in the 70s. So he stayed with them and took his very modest weekly wage whilst their business grew into a multi million pound success. The day he retired they gave him nothing. Not a penny, but promised that I would be looked after. I was the centre of his world so he was happy with that.

After my parents died I made an extra effort to keep in touch with my godparents who had no relatives and few friends, and did a lot for them, especially during Covid - but also just popping round for tea, picking up shopping etc. I genuinely did this not with any expectation but because I missed my parents so much and enjoyed being around 'nearly' family who knew them well and could chat and help keep the memories alive.

In the meantime, my marriage started to deteriorate and became quite abusive (verbally not physically) with H often losing his temper and being controlling - hiding my keys/phone for example, breaking my things, getting up in my face and calling me names. Not in front of DC - but several times a week. I started to lose myself and lost my confidence and then lost my job so felt completely trapped. Financially, emotionally and physically.

Even though I didn't consciously think it, a bit of me was waiting for Godparents to step in and help me - either financially or emotionally, but even though Godfather would ask if I needed anything, it was never in a way that you could say actually say "yes" and honestly.... a bit of me kept thinking 'just hold on' - he made a promise, you'll be ok.

Godmother died and I spent more time checking on Godfather, but he died close behind her last year. I was sat with him the day he died and promised to take his cat (which I did).

Six months later, probate was sorted and his estate was worth £17.5 million. He left £1million to his lovely housekeeper who had been with him 25 years and the rest to various animal charities. I got nothing.

I know I shouldn't have expected something, but I did. I thought it was my ticket out of my horrible situation - my escape - and I can't get over how let down I feel. It's like my one chance was taken away. It wasn't really, it just wasn't ever there. I am also so gutted for my dad (who obviously doesn't know that the promise wasn't kept) but he so believed I would be helped and it makes me so angry that they lied to him. I have to drive past some of the beautiful houses that my godparents owned most days - there are at least seven in my area - and I just can't help feel bitter and let down knowing that I am stuck with no financial means to leave in a horrible marriage, when a small fraction of his wealth could have made all the difference.

I should just move on - nobody is entitled to anything, i know that but I feel like my last bit of fight is gone. I really want to be strong, to move on but I feel like it's almost becoming like an intrusive thought - the fact of being disappointed. I think I was counting on it more than I was prepared to admit to myself and just feel utterly crushed that I haven't been 'rescued'.

The house keeper isn’t going to give her money, good grief.

Op, you say you want to leave your marriage and are unemployed since losing your job,

what efforts have you made there, is there anything more you can try to find one, I think if money is the issue, then maybe better to focus on how to become self sufficient,

also if your marriage is abusive, can you speak to women’s aid. And also look at what benefits you’d be entitled to on leaving and the council for housing?

It was 17.5 million- a huge amount of money

a small percentage would be life changing for OP

But it was his money, of course it would be life changing, it would for millions of people, but in the end he elected not to give it to her, so she has to move on and find ways to get out of her situation on her own.

The OP has done exactly what her father did — been passive, not articulated their own needs, and spent lengthy periods vaguely trusting that someone would ‘do something’ for her.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you, of course you feel let down and that a promise to your dad wasn’t kept. Also regardless of that you were their godchild and so you would think they would leave you something , have you checked the will online?

now that has happened though you need a plan on how to leave and build a new life as you cannot stay with someone abusive. Are you able to start working a few hours per day ? Or is he controlling so you are not allowed to?

Thanks all. This thread was always about finding ways to move on and stop feeling so let down. I agree with @IfThen about being passive. i have been stuck in a horrible marriage for many years and am worn down. Factor in no family, few friends and just trying to get by financially, on top of already feeling broken and i think it was easy?tempting? to hope rather than find the energy and resources to act.

It's done. There is nothing I can do about it. I really wish the let down had made me feel more determined and strong instead of crushing me so hard, and that's what I need to deal with. I think my OP was phrased badly and should have been moore about 'how do you turn crushing disappointment into motivation' rather than 'I feel let down, is this fair?'

But honestly, thank you all for the different perspectives. I realise I was naive as my dad.

Maybe this thread can be a way of drawing a line under it, and starting to move forward with rescuing yourself from a very difficult situation. Very best wishes for the future, OP. 💐

The issue op is it sounds to strangers like a story romanticised with time.

the world leading expert, working for a modest salary due to the goodness of his heart, loyalty and culture.

this world leading expert, having no clue on his pension, throughout his career, so a speech was required on retirement, where the wealthy employers say no pension , no retirement pay, but we will financially provide for your child.

nothing in writing just a verbal promise, passed down across the generation. The world leading expert, working all his life, and not choosing to go where he can earn more, provide for his child. But relying on the goodwill of the former employer,

the wealthy employer making a limited comment at a wedding, so many years later, but obviously so many years ago, about how this grown up child now won’t be forgotten, a crass comment that means nothing. Who says that.

the grown up child, visiting and caring for these wealthy employers in their old age, out of the goodness of her heart, even promising to keep the cat

said wealthy employer turning out to be cruel and not leaving anything. Bu giving to the housekeeper, who was there to the end, and charity, not often the sign of a cruel person.

so either it just sounds romanticised and it’s grown over the years, or it’s as said, either way, there is no fairy godfather, who was going to rescue you. Using your words, so dust yourself off, go get a job, and take control of your life.

@Brightlittlecanary I see that. I see the rose-tinted reflection I have and I know how it reads. I can't help myself though, I have to reiterate that this bit...

the world leading expert, working for a modest salary due to the goodness of his heart, loyalty and culture.

...is actually pretty accurate. Not the world leading - but close. And the modest salary, goodness of his heart and culture thing are actually true. It's hard to imagine in this landscape but my dad was quite an unusual man - his values were sometimes frustratingly (for my mum) unmovable.

But yes - I can absolutely see how this all sounds romanticised, a bit fanciful and unrealistic. Stripped back from the emotion though, the facts do remain.

No matter, perhaps this thread WILL be the catalyst for me moving past it all and thank you again to everyone who commented.

Similar happened to my son, when my late husband died, his parents always said their will would be split 3 ways, the two daughters and my son (instead of their late son) 20 years passed and yes he did get a cash gift but only the same as the other grandchildren, not a third share as promised, as time goes by people change wills unfortunately but I can't stop thinking about how sad, upset and disappointed you must feel
I am so sorry

My uncle is horrifically rich. Millions and millions. He’s been retired since his 30s - made it massive in tech. He lives extremely privately - his choice - rarely interacts with any of us despite several invites from us throughout the years

He had 2 sons - his ex wife took them when they were divorced. He had no relationship with either son. Both cut him off when their mum immediately remarried. Uncle in turn cut them off when they returned years later to ask for money. They had zero interest in any relationship with him

One son has since died. One has been proven to not be his actual biological son. He had no further children. Non biological one does not carry uncles surname either

Uncle has never changed his will leaving his entire estate to sons. It’s actually just the existing one that has been proven to not be his who will inherit. All of it. Millions plus a large multi million pound property.

I cannot for the life of me get my head around it. My aunt (his wife) also has family who could benefit from the estate but are not mentioned. I only know this as my Dad had a frank conversation with him a number of years ago saying he really should include his wife’s (my aunts) family rather than sons he has cut off. They are so more deserving of it.

Son of the one who died got in contact with me, to ensure uncle knew his name was now xxxx - in an effort to ensure he was named as a benefactor I would imagine.

I mean I know it’s coming as my uncle is now in his 90s, but I still can’t actually believe it’s going to happen. It’s his money, he can do what he wants with it, but it just doesn’t feel right at all.

I don't think you're grabby. It sounds like you were very close to them when you were young and that you had a nice relationship as an adult. It was reasonable to expect that they'd leave you something and only human nature to dream about what you'd do with your prospective inheritance.

Hopefully, as no good can come from stewing on it, your father made the decisions he made, his employers/your godfather made the decision he made, you can either spend your days becoming bitter and twisted about it, stewing on what might have been, and that is a decision you make, or you can make a different decision, take control of your own life, be it a job or council housing and benefits and leave your broken marriage and decide to aim for a happy life.

ifs all decisions, and you can only control your own. There is no fairy godfather, there is no wealthy benefactor. We only have one life, and how you live it is the decision you make.

So he gave it to some donkeys?

he underpaid her father for years on the promise he would look after his daughter.

Even if she didn’t ‘need’ the money, why wouldn’t you reward her father’s loyalty with a lump sum?

OP- I think this couple were not good people. The fact they had no-one else to leave their money to apart from an employee tells you they were probably tight, ungenerous, unpleasant people in life.

This is very good advice, OP. You and your dad were let down by your godparents. That’s in the past. Now to look ahead and build your much better future. Best of luck with it all xx

Wasn’t the op let down by her dad, who chose to earn a modest salary and no pension, rather than earn more and provide more for his family both whilst living and on passing? Instead choosing out of misplaced loyalty to continue to earn less and not have a pension. It was his choice, as it is the godparents.

the only thing we can control is our own decisions. Not thay of other people; they only let us down if we are too reliant.

Have you taken legal advice about your situation re the marriage? You should be able to get a free initial consultation. You don't loose anything by taking advice.