Sounds grabby but can't seem to get past it

[LotsOfNothing]

This is long, sorry. And it will sound grabby to many and it sort of is, but I am really struggling to get past it. It is keeping me awake at night and making me feel sick.

I am married with 2 DC (older teens) I have no other living family. I was the only child of an only child (mum) and my dad's few relatives lived on the other side of the world, were not particularly interested and are now also deceased.

My lovely dad worked his whole life (35 years) for a wealthy married childless couple who were my godparents (as a pair) - so the nearest things I had to relatives as a child. They were quite engaged with me as a child but less interested when I got a bit older - 14/15. My dad had many opportunities to leave and earn a lot more money but he was too very loyal, and grateful for the job opportunity they had given him when he first arrived in the UK in the 70s. So he stayed with them and took his very modest weekly wage whilst their business grew into a multi million pound success. The day he retired they gave him nothing. Not a penny, but promised that I would be looked after. I was the centre of his world so he was happy with that.

After my parents died I made an extra effort to keep in touch with my godparents who had no relatives and few friends, and did a lot for them, especially during Covid - but also just popping round for tea, picking up shopping etc. I genuinely did this not with any expectation but because I missed my parents so much and enjoyed being around 'nearly' family who knew them well and could chat and help keep the memories alive.

In the meantime, my marriage started to deteriorate and became quite abusive (verbally not physically) with H often losing his temper and being controlling - hiding my keys/phone for example, breaking my things, getting up in my face and calling me names. Not in front of DC - but several times a week. I started to lose myself and lost my confidence and then lost my job so felt completely trapped. Financially, emotionally and physically.

Even though I didn't consciously think it, a bit of me was waiting for Godparents to step in and help me - either financially or emotionally, but even though Godfather would ask if I needed anything, it was never in a way that you could say actually say "yes" and honestly.... a bit of me kept thinking 'just hold on' - he made a promise, you'll be ok.

Godmother died and I spent more time checking on Godfather, but he died close behind her last year. I was sat with him the day he died and promised to take his cat (which I did).

Six months later, probate was sorted and his estate was worth £17.5 million. He left £1million to his lovely housekeeper who had been with him 25 years and the rest to various animal charities. I got nothing.

I know I shouldn't have expected something, but I did. I thought it was my ticket out of my horrible situation - my escape - and I can't get over how let down I feel. It's like my one chance was taken away. It wasn't really, it just wasn't ever there. I am also so gutted for my dad (who obviously doesn't know that the promise wasn't kept) but he so believed I would be helped and it makes me so angry that they lied to him. I have to drive past some of the beautiful houses that my godparents owned most days - there are at least seven in my area - and I just can't help feel bitter and let down knowing that I am stuck with no financial means to leave in a horrible marriage, when a small fraction of his wealth could have made all the difference.

I should just move on - nobody is entitled to anything, i know that but I feel like my last bit of fight is gone. I really want to be strong, to move on but I feel like it's almost becoming like an intrusive thought - the fact of being disappointed. I think I was counting on it more than I was prepared to admit to myself and just feel utterly crushed that I haven't been 'rescued'.

@Brightlittlecanary I was always in touch although more loosely from 13-23 say when I was too busy being a selfish teenager, studying and starting my first job. But even then I still saw them and popped into the workplace to say hello to dad and them etc

The promise was made when my dad retired - so yes a good many years before they died - but it was made with a bit of a flourish "We've been thinking about what to do and have decided blah blah blah". It wasn't a flip comment.

And because there was only my dad - no other employees to compare to - it was taken as truth.

To the posters who asked, it never occured to me that racism played a part - they were very posh/educated British, but always very respectful of and around Dad and the fact that he was quite 'international' - travelled and trained all over the world - was something they seemed to admire. The housekeeper was East Asian and they adored her and she them. I don't think it was that (but who knows).

Having read all the comments on here, I just wonder if they were so comfortable and absorbed in their very very small little world that only featured other very wealthy people, that they never really understood the power of what they had promised or the hope it gave. My Godfather was obsessed with animal welfare and I can imagine him watching a couple of documentaries and deciding that he wanted to save all the animals, without much thought for the impact it might have on me. The housekeeper was there until he died. My dad wasn't. I was though and that hurts.

Also sorry - it doesn't matter but it wasn't handyman/menial work. It was a very skilled trade that meant he was actually in demand (hence lots of other offers). He trained at the very best places you can train to do the thing he did (overseas) and was sought after and recognised in that 'world' as being one of the best in the business. He trained many apprentices himself and his skill was one of the things that build their reputation. I am trying to think of an analogy and struggling...

And no, there were no other staff as part of the business. Only an accountant who changed often.

We didn't live in poverty - I didn't say that. Just no spare money and certainly not enough for me to leave now with anything other than the clothes I stand up in which is the case for many. You don't have to live in poverty to understand that your finances won't stretch to two households.

By ‘look after’, it’s perfectly possible they meant ‘stay in touch with’, ‘keep a friendly eye on’ etc.

Remember the beginning of Austen’s Sense and Sensibility, as rendered very amusingly over the opening credits in the Ang Lee/Emma Thompson adaptation? John Dashwood, who has inherited everything, promises his dying father he will ‘look after’ his stepmother and half-sisters. His grasping wife whittles this non-specific deathbed promise down over time (the space of a carriage ride in the film) from his initial idea of giving them a sizeable lump sum to just an annuity to his stepmother to occasional small gifts of money to just sending them game in season. In the end he does nothing at all.

‘Look after’ covers a lot of ground, simply by being so unspecific.

But OP your Dad decided to stay with them, despite being in demand. That wasn’t them taking advantage. That was his choice

I agree. My dad had many choices and chances. He took the view that they offered him work when he first arrived in the UK and therefore he should be loyal to them. Naive but these were different times and he came from a different culture.

I do not blame him or them for that. I don't blame them for anything actually. Their money, their choice.

This was really about me finding a way to gather myself and not let it eat me up, because right now I need to find some strength. Everything else was backstory/context so people might understand why it felt like such a blow,

I think there's a lot to unpack here. I understand why you're disappointed, and I think there are some moves you can make with your own situation - PP have spoke about that.

From the godparents' POV, I also wonder (like PP said) if there was a point they wanted to make. For example, maybe they (unreasonably) expected you to be available to them multiple times a week with visits, help etc over several years leading up to their death. You never know what's in other people's heads (and I don't know your relationship with them).

I'm childfree. I've mentioned to my own sister that I'll leave my estate to the nieces/nephews (I'm 40). But I can imagine, if in the last 10-15 years of my life I only see them a few times/get a few courtesy phone calls - the money is going to the cat sanctuary (or whatever), and the nieces/nephews will get a token amount.

I’m sorry to say this but you have fundamentally misunderstood the English upper middle class and their attitude to money. Your father was staff not family. They were never going to leave money to your family. Leaving some money to a housekeeper who looked after them in their final years is not that unusual but to leave money to the child of an employee from decades ago ? And the godparent thing? If you were still a child maybe they would have seen an obligation to leave you money but you are a married adult so no they would no longer feel that obligation.

I one hundred percent believe you believe what you write op, that this is your understanding of the story, possibly cemented over your years of hope that these people would make you wealthy one day, rescue you, in your words, thay this was the plan, and you were special to them, as was your father.

I just don’t think that was ever the reality of the situation, and as much as you clearly hesitate to say it, there are clearly multiple decades between this apparent promise, and them passing, and the relationship was clearly not one of family,

I think there has been a misinterpretation in the telling and the decades of time that passed.

as you yourself say they were good people. Then it’s unlikely they’d be so cruel as to know this promise and decide when making their wills to not doing it. So I am sorry but my guess is there was never any such promise to give you money.

I would be annoyed as well. Especially as it was left to charity!

The promise was made no question.

it was reiterated at my wedding.

it doesn’t matter though. This was never about the past, it is about how I move on when I feel so crushed. It’s not even about the money - it’s what it would have represented in terms of me being able to leave. If I was happy and in a normal relationship, I’d still be upset for the broken promise to my dad but not bothered for myself.

I’m so sorry OP, that was harsh. You are in no way unreasonable

I’m really sorry OP. I can understand why you feel the way you do. It’s lots of different things but I think the main one is that you were pinning your hopes on this to rescue you.

If you were happy and not needing to escape your situation, it wouldn’t seem quite so bad.

I think they should have remembered you in their will, and it hurts that you and your father weren’t as important to them as you both thought you were.

Ok that’s a drip feed, so they made the promise to you, at your wedding they would give you money?

It’s not a drip feed. The promise war made to my dad when he retired. Literally a big to-do about how the’d decided to take care of me in the future. The implication was absolutely that they meant financially as they were explaining to my dad why they thought this was better than a retirement reward.

on my wedding day they bought a gift, but also - casually - made a point of mentioning - when I was standing with my dad - that I was like family and would not be ‘forgotten’. Again the context of this conversation made it clear that this was financial.

I am not going to keep explaining how clear the promise was.

Ok then they did you dirty op, I’ve no idea why they kept making these promises with no desire to do so, it’s very odd, and very crass as well,

you need to turn your attention to how to leave, how to build up your own funds these people were not ever going to rescue you.

All you can do now is look forward. It’s not going to change anything by dwelling on the past and what could have been if your godparents left you a legacy payment.

I have been a lone parent for nearly 12 years now (with very limited outside help). It can be done, you just have to believe you can do it and you can!! Your first step is to find a job, it doesn’t matter what it is but it will get you out in the workplace and increase your self confidence.

Make a plan today. Make a list of people who can help you with this. You might think that there isn’t anyone but people will genuinely want to help. Good luck.

Perhaps something happened and they changed their minds
NEVER rely on inheritance
Make decisions based as if you will never inherit, so much can happen

Pointless dwellng on it now
Time to move on and focus on changing your life.

Yeah, with your updated information, them not leaving you anything was pretty awful.

I totally understand how you feel and how it doesn't add up but other posters have indicated that they may have had a particular 'wealthy English Educated Class' based mindset.
They just didn't think you needed it.

I have known a very wealthy old person who considered 'poor people ' to be 'happy with their lot' (!!😱) and claimed they would be 'ruined' with wealth and wouldn't know what to do with it. Patronising in the extreme and totally without empathy and understanding of other people's lives.

Wealthy people especially self made, can be obsessed with things like tax efficiency etc and looking at the IHT rules, if they left everything to UK charities then their entire estate was tax free.

I have a feeling Godfather felt that leaving all his wealth to animal charities was a tax efficient use of his estate, considering he had no heirs.

He didn't consider anyone else except the housekeeper.

Set up a separate thread on how to change your life with no money behind you and the amazing MN posters (who've been where you are now) will be able to show you how.

Did you mean to quote my post or the Op ?

I tend to agree with poster who said, in between making these public declarations and some time passing, they changed their minds about YOU. Nothing strange about that at all.

i asked/ recommend you speak to the housekeeper. If she knew about you, she might on her own give you £50k. Even £5k. At this moment you seem to say any amount would be enough.

i have worked my arse off etc etc I guess it different attitudes to wealth. I am well brought up and know wealth (so maybe why next statement is easier for me to make). 1. I would have absolutely answered with what help I needed and say you can accept anything offered, when you were asked. 2. Equally, I also would have never lived my life ( no matter how tough) thinking I stood to inherit from these much richer folks. Again, I accept it may be because I have knowledge of behaviours of wealthy people: from own family ( very generous), myself ( my will will depend on how I feel 12 months before I die, unfortunately!) and other wealthy people! Life is complicated. Some People, even well meaning, are strange.

The fact they left some to housekeeper clearly shows there was space to think about people who have been in their lives. You were not included.

Ah I should have just quoted the bit you wrote about things changing. Sorry !🙂. It doesn't make sense now I look back

Ah! No worries !

Gah! I'll never understand all this pontificating about "You'll be looked after "some day"......why is that day never TODAY and NOW? Just give the money right now or shut up about it!

My DH's Dad is like this. He is a millionaire. He was given property and a business by his parents, so he had a HUGE leg up, however, he has never given his own children a bean.

DH and I are ok for money, but BIL is struggling massively, we are talking literally counting the pennies every month. He could really do with a leg up in life, but FIL continues to live his ultra lavish lifestyle and not help. We are talking several holidays a year, always business class, several high end cars, several properties, meals out at michelin starred restaurants, designer clothes, not to mention living in a mansion....

A few years ago, when he was selling one of his (many) properties, he took them both aside and said that he was going to give them a lump sum each from the sale. I was so pleased for them both. Then, after the sale went through and he had all the money in his account, he just told them that he'd changed his mind, and they weren't getting anything. It's crushing.

That's a bit like your situation Op. I think the disappointment then, for DH and BIL was huge, and it would have been better if he'd never promised the money. My DH is still eaten up by it now, and this was a few years ago.

If your Dad had never worked for these people, and you'd never been in this situation of expecting anything, then you wouldn't have anything to be eaten up by. It's almost like winning the lottery and shredding your ticket in the washing machine : better to have just not had the ticket in the first place. It feels like a loss.

For DH and BIL, if they do inherit one day, it will be too little too late, as FIL had them when he was very young, so DH and BIL will likely be 70+ by the time he pops his clogs.

Personally, we have adult children, and we have given them money now, whilst they are in their 20's and need it, and we can see the help it gives.

Sorry to shout here, but .....

IT SEEMS VERY WEIRD THAT SOMEONE IN THEIR 80's WOULD UPDATE THEIR WILL

Especially as there doesn't seem to have been any change in circumstances.
Have you considered that it may have been changed under duress? Not sure what you could do to investigate this, but someone with a legal background may be able to advise.