Sounds grabby but can't seem to get past it

[LotsOfNothing]

This is long, sorry. And it will sound grabby to many and it sort of is, but I am really struggling to get past it. It is keeping me awake at night and making me feel sick.

I am married with 2 DC (older teens) I have no other living family. I was the only child of an only child (mum) and my dad's few relatives lived on the other side of the world, were not particularly interested and are now also deceased.

My lovely dad worked his whole life (35 years) for a wealthy married childless couple who were my godparents (as a pair) - so the nearest things I had to relatives as a child. They were quite engaged with me as a child but less interested when I got a bit older - 14/15. My dad had many opportunities to leave and earn a lot more money but he was too very loyal, and grateful for the job opportunity they had given him when he first arrived in the UK in the 70s. So he stayed with them and took his very modest weekly wage whilst their business grew into a multi million pound success. The day he retired they gave him nothing. Not a penny, but promised that I would be looked after. I was the centre of his world so he was happy with that.

After my parents died I made an extra effort to keep in touch with my godparents who had no relatives and few friends, and did a lot for them, especially during Covid - but also just popping round for tea, picking up shopping etc. I genuinely did this not with any expectation but because I missed my parents so much and enjoyed being around 'nearly' family who knew them well and could chat and help keep the memories alive.

In the meantime, my marriage started to deteriorate and became quite abusive (verbally not physically) with H often losing his temper and being controlling - hiding my keys/phone for example, breaking my things, getting up in my face and calling me names. Not in front of DC - but several times a week. I started to lose myself and lost my confidence and then lost my job so felt completely trapped. Financially, emotionally and physically.

Even though I didn't consciously think it, a bit of me was waiting for Godparents to step in and help me - either financially or emotionally, but even though Godfather would ask if I needed anything, it was never in a way that you could say actually say "yes" and honestly.... a bit of me kept thinking 'just hold on' - he made a promise, you'll be ok.

Godmother died and I spent more time checking on Godfather, but he died close behind her last year. I was sat with him the day he died and promised to take his cat (which I did).

Six months later, probate was sorted and his estate was worth £17.5 million. He left £1million to his lovely housekeeper who had been with him 25 years and the rest to various animal charities. I got nothing.

I know I shouldn't have expected something, but I did. I thought it was my ticket out of my horrible situation - my escape - and I can't get over how let down I feel. It's like my one chance was taken away. It wasn't really, it just wasn't ever there. I am also so gutted for my dad (who obviously doesn't know that the promise wasn't kept) but he so believed I would be helped and it makes me so angry that they lied to him. I have to drive past some of the beautiful houses that my godparents owned most days - there are at least seven in my area - and I just can't help feel bitter and let down knowing that I am stuck with no financial means to leave in a horrible marriage, when a small fraction of his wealth could have made all the difference.

I should just move on - nobody is entitled to anything, i know that but I feel like my last bit of fight is gone. I really want to be strong, to move on but I feel like it's almost becoming like an intrusive thought - the fact of being disappointed. I think I was counting on it more than I was prepared to admit to myself and just feel utterly crushed that I haven't been 'rescued'.

I don’t think you’re grabby. But were they generous towards you in their last years of life, OP? If not, this shouldn’t have been such a blow.

Exactly this!!

Expecting someone else to save you is expecting another form of control.

It’s not healthy and you will never be free until you change your mind set and do it for yourself.

You need to find your inner strength.
No amount of money will ever do that.

There was basically no relationship past her mid teens till covid times, that could have been two decades for all we know. The relationship clearly dwindled and her father chose to work there and would have known his employment package,

I understand she felt entitled to their money, but I am really not aligned with hurling abuse at them as they didn’t give her any,

I’d have been gutted too.

I am not surprised you feel let down @LotsOfNothing

I wonder if you are suffering from the ocd called 'intrusive thoughts'?
I have had that. I went to the Dr and explained what my day to day life was, being interuppted by the thoughts. How helpless I felt. The future seemed bleak and I felt numb. I thought I was going mad. I was diagnosed with depression and ocd. With a diagnosis came a treatment plan. Very succesful.

I am in no way a health care expert but some things you have written feel very familiar to me. Could you go and speak to your Dr about your feelings? A solid support system might be a turning point for you.
Wishing you all the best x

Were they actually your godparents OP, as in, formally? Because - and I do mean this kindly - I think your expectations even if so were a little bit naive and you seem to have put more importance on your relationship than they did. Understandable totally, but rich people don’t get that way by accident. They were stingy with your poor dad, why would they have been otherwise with you? It’s harsh, especially in your current situation, and they should have valued you more, their loss. But they didn’t really owe you anything, I guess.
Probably best to focus now on getting yourself and kids free and safe. Contact Women’s aid to start. Take back your agency because nobody else is going to rescue you. Wish you strength and all the best.

Were they formally god parents, OP?

I get that it stings, however, from their perspective:

They have a long term employee, who chooses to keep working for them for his own reasons.
He has a daughter whom they are close to in early childhood, but loose regular contact with as she grows into her teens.
Two or three decades later, she's dropped around for a cup of tea a few times. She appears to have older teens, married, looks to be doing ok.

Would you definitely leave money to this person?

@Gettingbysomehow has it spot on. Ofcourse money helps in getting away but don't let that be the reason you stay with your abusive H.

Emotional abuse often has a longer lasting impact that physically abuse. Just because he might not behave like that in front of the children, they are aware and know what is happening to you. This is the main issue facing you right now.

You have to put the issue of the inheritance behind you after you have found out if you are not legally entitled to anything. Maybe find a solicitor who is able to advice you on the inheritance as well as how to proceed with leaving your H. Also domestic violence charities will also be a good starting place and consider having some counselling when you are ready.

Yes I would! Especially as they were her god parents! It also sounds like OP did more than go round a few times. They asked her to take their cat and should have made provisions for this if nothing else.

Were they formally god parents? Or is this some romantic idea that her father came up with ( either is possible )?

And yes, provision for the cat would be nice, but hardly life - changing.

I suppose what I'm saying is that for all her dad's ex employers from 20 years ago knew, OP was ok / taken care of, if they thought her marriage was good.

I clearly meant they didnt discuss it with her.
My DP discussed it with me as part of sorting their wishes out.
Its a pretty common thing to do
Tbh having read the entire thread its obvious the DF thought he had a different relationship with them and so did the Op
They may have decided to leave everything to charity many years ago and because they thought of the DF as staff not even considered the Op.

A mismatch in what the relationship was .
All the calling them vile etc is ridiculous

I think you’re putting a lot of store in the role of godparent to an adult. One they had likely lost contact with for a couple of decades. I assume you’re religious. But if so you’d know that when a child reaches adult hood the role of godparent is as a mentor in the religion, and mental support. It is not a financial commitment,

@LameBorzoi t's the lack of thought that probably stings more than anything -for the cat and OP. They should have left something as that would have been the decent thing to do regardless of OPs marriage and living circumstances. They thought of their housekeeper and charities only which seems mean given that OP by the sounds of it was fairly involved with supporting them and even there when the Godfather passed.

I guess I'm also looking at it in the context of OP having no other family around her which the Godparents would have known about. The Godparents themselves also had no children or other family either.

That’s awful OP. I think it was fair for you to expect something.

But the thing is that from dad's ex employers perpective, OP does have family - a happy marriage and two almost grown kids.

Also we have no context about anything with he original relationship between the dad and the employers.

They could have been cheepskates and paid him badly.
They could have genuinely thought that his terms and conditions were good.

Yes he wasn't a kidnapped slave... But we have no idea if he'd ever asked for better terms and they put a lot of emotional pressure on him to stay /to continue working?

For example: I know two housekeepers who are being paid beneath local market rate as two separate older people are protesting that 13£ pH is 'all they can afford' . The local rates for self employed is 17-20£.

Both housekeepers feel 'sorry for them'. Both people are in their mid 80s and struggling with household stuff.

I know both these households..(people my parents knew)
They're both very well off... One has bought both her kids 4 bed houses and has loads of Investments. The other one told my mum some time ago she'd spent 20k on holidays in one year.
Not badly off at all.

They have both played on the housekeepers ' decency /softheartedness.

May be similar with the father.

I doubt it, as they would not be elderly people when he was in their employ, I understand octogenarians acting like this, not understanding market rates and long term staff feeling sorry for them, but this is clearly not that. They’d have been long dead if it was.

but you’re right we don’t know, but we do know he worked there for years by choice, and they built a business through this time, so likely were relatively young, in addition if low pay with no pension, it is likely menial labour, ie driver, Gardner, handy man or similar. Easily replaced.

we also know the op had effectively no relationship with them since mid teens and only tried to resurrect that during covid. So likely at least 20 years gap.

the op tells a romaticised story, about the poor bard done to worker, working there out the good of his heart, all for the future of his daughter, how she got back in touch, out of the goodness of her heart, doing acts of service,

but this story could easily be told another way, an employee who chose to continue to work there, possibly due to lack of other employment opportunities, or drive, who asked them to be god parents, and they fullfilled that when she was a child. As most godparents do. The relationship then drifted as he retired and the op as a young teen had no desire to spend time with tnem

as an adult she hit on hard times, decades later, so tried to resurrect it, offering to do some things for them, which they politely accepted but clearly didn’t need if they had household staff. The relationship was not one of close family. And they left their money to those who had been there through the years for them.

Expecting anything from anyone is a big mistake.

Tacohill I agree that so many celebrities boast they are not leaving DC anything at all.Why are they working then? I would love to have millions to leave .Alas just my home and some savings and jewellery .(which I realise is more than many people have ) Rumer Willis says she works 4 jobs to care for her DD.Ronnie Woods son Jesse is having to draw benefits! This seems especially unfair to me ,as they have been brought up in luxury by rich parents .Then expected to "get a job" which wont pay anything like they have been used to .I guess maybe to stop Drugs and so forth .I think its a mistake to expect non family to leave a sizeable sum though.

Because they promised to look after the Dads daughter and they haven’t kept their promise

What does look after mean, spiritual? Financial? And how long was the break, was it really they lost interest and the op was trying to see them?

and did they really make that promise or did the dad say it to make his kid feel good. It’s an unusual thing to say, no?

Thank you for all the comments - I don't mind the ones saying I shouldn't expect anything, I know that. Part of my problem is that I ALWAYS knew that, but I hoped. I can't help hoping.

To clear a few things up

My dad was their only permanent employee. Apprentices came and went over the years (always trained by my dad) but nobody else was there for more than a couple of years.

They were not awful people. My godfather especially was gentle, warm and very sweet natured. It makes it harder to understand.

Yes, they were 'formal' godparents. Lots of pictures of the holding me at my Christening. They were my only Godparents and I there only Godchild. No children of their own and not even any nieces or nephews. It was really just them which is why my dad was treated a bit like family (emotionally rather than financially) during his employment. He reciprocated.

The promise to look after me was definitely a financial promise. It was explained as part of why there was no golden handshake.

Yes £17.5 million. They owned several properties, a lot of serious cars and antique furniture and jewellery.

There are two things eating me up:

1. That i dared to hope (and hold on) for 'rescue'
2. The broken promise to my lovely dad. Over the years, he was offered so many opportunities that would have made him significantly more money but he believed he was doing the right thing for me.

Op how long ago was the promise made, and I think you need to accept sometimes things are not as told. I am struggling with we aren’t giving you a pension but hey we will give money to your child. I understand your dad told you that but it may not have been true,

how long ago between this promise and you getting back in touch?